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wheeloffortune-design:
It’s a guy (dhu)
He’s athletic (because Bitty likes them that way, refer to Ransom’s Excel sheet on dudes Bitty has dated, made out with, hooked with)
He’s tall and bigger than Bitty (that’s not hard, but Bitty has been seen wearing bigger shirts lately)
He’s an old Samwell student (Dex hard heard Bitty say “Oh honey, remember the Quad? They added new trees, they’re lovely-” over the phone)
He’s handsome and was featured in The Swallow’s most beautiful people (Overheard by Nursey- ”Well, is that award more important than your face on The Swallow’s list of most beautiful people? Because I KNOW your mom has it framed on your trophy shelf.”)
He’s an OLD MEMBER OF THE SMH TEAM OMG (BECAUSE ONE OF THE OVERSIZED SHIRTS BITTY WEARS TO SLEEP IS A RATTY SMH ONE OMG OMG OMG)
HE ACTUALLY LIVED IN THE HAUS WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T BREATHE (Overheard by Chowder- “Ransom and Holster are making the frogs work for dibs- not like you, love, you gave your dibs in a very noble way-” Chowder would not stop !!!! while handing that information)
HIS NAME STARTS WITH A J (AS SEEN ON BITTY’S PHONE NEXT TO AT LEAST THREE HEART EMOJIS OMG OMG OMG)
Ergo: Bitty’s secret Boyfriend is John Johnson the Goalie.
Further substantiating proof:
Not only did Johnson use to live in the Haus, he gave Bitty his dibs. Seemingly out of nowhere.
Someone in the Haus figures out that Bitty’s anniversary with his mystery boyfriend is May 18th. AKA the day Jack and Shitty graduation. And who showed up out of nowhere for Jack & Shitty’s graduation? JOHNSON.
(After that the evidence seems fairly indisputable. In fact, they’re kicking themselves for not figuring it out sooner? Because honestly? Romantic gestures up the wazoo!)
Its 3AM in the Haus Attic when Adam Birkholtz has the epiphany of a lifetime.
“Hey Justin?” he says, quietly.
“Mmmm?” Ransom replies, sleepily, from the bed above him.
“I think Bits is dating Johnson,” Holster says.
There’s a quiet pause in the conversation, before a loud thump emits from the floor beside him. Turning in his bed, Holster realises that Ransom has fallen from the bunk and is now on the floor, staring at him with wide eyes.
“Holy shit,” Ransom whispers.
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