Funmi Akingbade
The primary reason for this column is to make the sex lives of married couples blissful. So today, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of men and women’s sex drives that researchers and sex therapists have found out. However, couples should bear in mind that individuals may vary from these norms. According to the National Opinion Research Centre, the average couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.
Experts say men and women’s sex drives differ. They say women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s are. While men may be rigid and specific about what they become aroused by, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be more influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.
Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do. Most men crave more foreplay, they just view the role of sex differently. Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. It is their language of intimacy. Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s are, but also much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.
Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it, but they are forced to masturbate because they are constantly being refused by their wives. 80 something per cent of married men confessed having cheated on their wives though they say they feel guilty about it but also gave the reason for this – their wives’ deliberate insensitivities to their sexual fantasies, need and lack of innovation and tastelessness.
Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates much more between their ears than between their legs. For most married women, there is a need for a plan hence the romance, affection and the foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire. Women’s desire “is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion.” Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.
Most married women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones. Married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices, education made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities.
Most married women under age 60 think about sex less than once a day.
While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasise less, but married men still fantasise about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies.
Older married women are more likely to experience orgasm when sex is within the context of a faithful and loving relationship.
Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that many coming together of long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.
Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouse who becomes too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.
Women experience orgasms differently than men, while researchers find it tricky to try to quantify issues like the differing quality of male vs. female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men, on average, take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation; [ideal time should be at least 10 minutes] anything lower than this is considered to be premature ejaculation. If you suffer premature ejaculation, please contact me. Women usually take around 15 to 18 minutes to reach orgasm. That is another difference between the sexes on how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among married men, 75 per cent of them report that they always have an orgasm with their wives while 29 per cent of married women report that they always have an orgasm with their husbands.
Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris, so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary. The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior vaginal wall.
The G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.
A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between eight and 10 inches when erect and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis, kindly contact me.
Only 10 per cent of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while six per cent of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts that include vaginal intercourse or real foreplay sex.
Questions and answers
Are we on the right path?
I am blood ‘O’ negative and my husband is also blood ‘O’ positive but I noticed that the two occasions when I had needed blood transfusion during pregnancy and he has been the one to donate the blood, I had miscarriage. My question is this, is this a spell on us or does it have to do with my husband’s blood? I am confused.
Mrs. Adijatu Friday
Actually blood type ‘O’ negative is the only blood type that can be used by anyone if your husband has been blood ‘O’ negative. I am certain there would have been high percentage of assurance that the pregnancy may have been saved. But maybe there are other reasons for this but I need you to know that ideally, you should get your own blood type if you need a transfusion. But in an emergency, O negative can be used by anyone with any blood type. That’s because it doesn’t have any of the antigens — A, B, or Rh — that can lead your immune system to attack it. About 27 per cent of people around the world have O negative blood. Although people with AB positive can use blood from anyone, they’re known as “universal recipients” because their blood has all the antigens — A, B, and Rh. If you have this type, your body will recognise any other blood type as its own. If not, blood Rh negative is a factor that can cause problems during pregnancy. A woman’s blood can attack her baby’s blood cells if she’s Rh negative and the baby is Rh positive. This is called rhesus disease, and medication can prevent it. If you’re pregnant, you should have a blood test to find out your Rh factor. If you’re Rh negative, your doctor will recommend that you take the medication to be safe.
I may be forced to seek sexual pleasure outside
I am a regular reader of your column Sex & sexuality in Saturday Punch. I got married about seven years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids; of six and two years old respectively. I fall in the category of men who did not have the “best of time’’, sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.
The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled. She did not initiate sex anymore and I became more of burden anytime I demanded sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex, but nothing changes.
It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek for pleasure outside my marriage, even though the temptations are always there.
I am confused.
Hi, well thanks a lot for sharing with me. l want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also want to add that you should try to create time out that you will actually pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I am so sure, when she sees the importance, she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage destroyed. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free, quiet and private place together, keep the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.
You should also remember that affection and foreplay mean a lot to many ladies. If you skip foreplay, most of them feel as if they are being legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.
Why do I freeze up?
Just this morning, my husband told me I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic. This got me thinking hard and just like a God-sent, I read your column in the papers today.
I just got married this year and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I am the problem. When he is away, I long for his touches and get wet all over just thinking about him, but when he is around, I just do not enjoy sex. I am losing him. Recently I found out he is having an affair and I cannot complain because I know I am not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.
Worried
Hi, I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. However, there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try to explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments.
When it comes to frigidity, l always tell women that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body, so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal. What the mind can conceive the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more. If you put your attention to these thoughts, your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise.
Why do I have erection with other women and not my wife?
For some time now, I have been having erectile dysfunction and my wife no longer appeals sexually to me. It looks like I’ll have to take pills for the rest of my life. My friends said it is more common among older men and that I just have to live with it. Recently, I tried having sex with another woman and I immediately got an instant hard on erection. Why do I have to get an erection with someone else and not my wife?
Addicted follower
It’s not unusual for older men to need more stimulation to help get them aroused than they did when they were younger. But there’s no reason you should have to accept a lack of sexual function as one of the inevitable consequences of getting older, because there is cure. Many men are able to get erections and enjoy sex well into their senior years, and there’s very likely no reason that you can’t be one of them. There are many reasons why a man might experience erection problems, although lack of sexual attraction towards one’s wife might be one of them but definitely not the major reason. Having one night stand with some other women apart from your wife would not actually solve the problem, reason being that the same thing will occur again with the other woman after you must have gotten used to having sex with her. This will still lead to the status quo. What you need to do is to get some cure and bring your wife’s sexual performance to match your sexual fantasy level. This will increase your attraction towards her and revive sexual passion in you.
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