The past year has been this whirlwind for me. Well, after this last straw that broke the camel's back, I realized what low quality of relationships I had with other people. After reading the PsychopathFree book, I found myself disturbingly resonant with what's written there.
I had dealt with lots of psycho people, unknowingly, but when I almost fell for a psychopath in my love life, I got my ultimate lesson. One I am sort of grateful to have now, since I know how to defend myself like never before.
For a while, the story was playing out almost as I hoped my life at this period in my life would be. Better in fact. I found myself in love at a time I was still conceptualizing what it was, as in what does a romantic relationship look like? That should have been the thing to set me off, I believe in getting to know someone for a LOOOOONG time before ever committing myself to them. For so many obvious reasons. Now, all of a sudden, I was made to believe that I somehow found a soulmate in front of me, by someone who even tried telling me that she's psychopathic. How on Earth I could make the jump from "it was nice having lunch with you" to almost completely dependent on her opinion of me was ridiculous. I expect to know the person that I'll spend the rest of my life with for at least 4-8 years before committing to them, now she somehow made me think it was my idea for it to be 4-8 months. I don't believe that I would have giving up so much of my autonomy that quickly and easily, but just as described in the book, I did. I was so deep in it, that I was arguing with her that she was not psychopathic while she was trying to point out my vulnerabilities, like the fact that I was shaking in front of her, and how she had this predatory stare. She wanted to be recognized as a psychopath, and I was too naive to let her have that, and that made her very angry. She realized how useless it was to convince me she was psychopathic and continued to torment me for several more months. That's pretty bad.
At one point, even the self-defense part of myself turned off because it couldn't believe I would give myself away this easily to a predator. I was reasoning that she wasn't a psychopath not because she wasn't, but because I fell so far into the trap that I didn't want to concede the last morsel of control I had which was my belief that all humans contain some good in them or the little dignity I had left which was a false belief that I could protect myself. Looking back, I can see how complete and comprehensively I was drained. I am sure she knows this, and hope she doesn't just so she can't get her perverse pleasure from this. I'm in awe, but believe me, I am done giving control over to the psychopaths in my life. Oddly, I think I had such little idea how to defend myself, that by being so utterly clueless I had actually compelled her to teach me what a psychopath looked like because I was denying her the "pride" of being a psychopath. I paid a huge price though, and I wish I had a more compassionate person teach me how to protect myself. What's worse she was also moderately intelligent and knew how to subtly influence sexually, even trying to plant romantic suggestions in my head and giving me more and more until the dim chance came by that I took the bait and pulling harshly on the hook once I did. But once I realized that she was pitting me against myself, I found it so much easier to break off. Everything seemed so calculated, not always because she was a mastermind, but because I was trained into masterminding myself against my favor.
For the romantics like me out there, the seduction of a psychopath isn't like the seduction of two mutually consenting and respecting people. It is the psychopath's entire conception of reality. I like flirting. I like games, yes even mind games. (On a lighter note, I can play a mean game of monopoly.) For however shy I am, I can also be pretty saucy. But those traits would never constitute my entire life. War is the best game and the worst life. There is a very special place in the world for happiness, corniness, and a place where everything isn't a power struggle. Where compassion is given freely and without expectation of return. I know when to be kind, respectful, and giving, and I can tell when being teasing and flirty would also be respectful. When two mutual, consenting, respectful adults flirt and tease with each other, they do it sharing power with each other. But when something goes wrong, when a storm passes over, they will be there for each other in the kindest, softest way possible, putting all games aside to be there for serious solidarity. That's true love. That's cute and adorable. But that trust given to the wrong people is a formula for disaster. Life is never a game.
Thank goodness she dumped me, totally, giving me a cold shoulder and virtually no contact (sans a few well timed, well placed opportunities for me to grovel for her) long enough for me to regain enough of myself to resist her after a psycho roommate exploded the night before I was supposed to have lunch with her and so couldn't make it. Then she refused to ever see or talk with me again. Those well placed opportunities for me to grovel to her were thankfully miscalculated on her part because it was too late to prevent the development of my self-respect. If there was going to be any relationship, she was making it clear to me that it would be literally at her heels and at the very ends of my patience and sanity by withholding anytime I wanted to talk with her during the devaluation phase. But she was waiting in a public place that she knew I'd pass by for the last time, and so as to fabricate some sort of romantic fantasy (kiss and make up at the last chance) was sitting there, waiting for me to break out of stride and beg at her feet and watch cooly as I made a fool out of myself for no reason other than her self gratification and worship at her timing. And she even waited there for a whole hour, when before that she would not respond to any form of communication whatsoever. That's when I realized she was not at all genuine. If she had any legitimate feelings for me, she wouldn't artfully walk around them or pretend like any of the previous attempts to contact her didn't exist. The lengths to which she went to gain power over me had become so blatant at that point that I could finally walk right past. Even then, she knew what she had set me up for. Before, she would wait in places she knew I would frequent. It was stalking but made to look like the reverse. She got to those places before she knew I would, and since this was a new environment, I quickly forgot that I had mentioned those places to her. Then, when she started devaluing me as I dealt with a psycho roommate, she disappeared from those locations entirely, as though growing bored and frustrated with me. Her fun was done.
That last time I saw her, she wasted a whole hour of her time for no reason but in an attempt to torment me. I couldn't believe it. The most I can think angrily is a few minutes. I would never have or want to have the patience to wait silently for an hour waiting for my prey because I am otherwise an emotionally healthy human being. I have better things to do with my time. If I want something from someone, I can get it via a legitimate mean, and if I can't get it, I probably don't want it either or should try another way, but not by twisting someone's hand. I would never disembowel someone of so much power to punish them. It was unbridled, multiplicative anger. I thought it was also absurd. Even if I was a psychopath, I wouldn't nearly have that much patience. A whole hour? For what? She already made me feel worthless and valueless. I didn't garner any of her respect...what on Earth could she get out of me? So, by waiting for me for an hour, she either admitted that I had some value, which is a total contradiction to her no contact regime, or that she wasn't the person who I thought she was and had nothing better to do for a whole hour, carefully timing one appearance in a 3 month period. Did she have a calendar? Is this how she spent her life? In that scene, I could see the insanity for what it was. Even if her intention was to continue to toy with me, this one move had just a little flaw in it gave me just enough confidence to walk right past and break the chains. Oddly the confidence that I got then was just what I needed to believe that I could protect myself, and I did.
But in the three month period before that, she found out which room I lived in, convinced someone to let her in and discretely leave romantic quotes over my room, which she then later denied, but obviously romantic slips of paper don't fall out of the sky. She was a master at teasing me, giving me a little bait at my very ends, the very ends I might have given up on her, to keep me strung along. I was fortunate that the last time she tried that she was too late.
Sort of how drug lords in third world countries withhold drugs from poor, destitute people whom they addicted in the first place until their impossible demands are somehow met. Power play. I had heard of people who threw any ethics to the wind, researched them, but I could never expect one to be found in the social situation I did.
What caught me is how well designed the ploys were for me to relinquish power and how, almost willingly, I did so. When I said to myself that power isn't a good or bad thing by itself, I kept more for myself. Why should I have to beg to get love? If power, handled reasonably, could be a good thing, shouldn't it be something that loved ones would love to share with each other in both ways? I don't know why it took so long for it to dawn on me, but it did.