This is my first post and I'm writing this morning with lumps in my throat, heart and stomach. This story will be very lengthy and I apologize, up front, for needing to share so much and in such depth and detail.
I honestly don't know, and realize now that I may never be entirely sure, whether I was involved with a potentially dangerous madman with Narcissistic and Borderline characteristics or a terribly troubled, pain-filled individual who was looking for someone to help him fill a void in his life. At the outset, please let me make it very clear that, either way, I absolutely recognize my own responsibility for allowing myself to become involved with this man and that there was some measure vulnerability and culpability on my part that allowed me to be open to his influence that I knew was unhealthy and could be damaging to myself and to those who love me. This could easily have become a fatal attraction had I not been FINALLY, able to extricate myself from this tortured relationship. Being free of it and of feelings for and questions about him may something else entirely. There is no closure when there are unanswered questions and this does leave a person on shaky ground when trying to learn to trust our intuition and perceptions about others is concerned. I won't say I approach others with suspicion and mistrust, but I do doubt my own ability to read people correctly so do I mistrust myself. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for having fallen so far from the kind of person I believed I was or want very much to be, and I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with those feelings.
Beginning at the beginning-
I met this man online, in a politics discussion forum. Though he and I disagree on all things political, I was impressed that he was able to have civil discussions with people of opposing opinions and we became online friends there for some time before our relationship became a friendship and then something more outside the forum.
He shared that he was in his fifties, married, as am I, and 61, and that this was a second marriage for him to a woman who had been a childhood sweetheart and had been victimized in an abusive marriage, herself. They had reconnected and married after many years , he having two grown children from whom was somewhat estranged and she having four grown children, three of whom are still living at home or using their home as a home base at present. Their home allows for one to live in separate but connected rental property within the house. I'm going into this detail to describe his living conditions as I've had thoughts that escaping these complicated living circumstances might have been one of his motives for involvement with me.
His first marriage ended in divorce due, he said, to his inability to cope with overwhelming, ongoing effects of PTSD like nightmares about his experiences as a Marine sniper in a special forces kind of unit that operated during the late stages of the Vietnam era. He lost a very dear friend at that time and said he suffered with tremendous survivor guilt as a result of his friend's loss. His first wife did not want the marriage to end, but he claimed she finally accepted that he would never allow her to become as close as a husband and wife should be and consented to a divorce.
He said she was a wonderful woman and in return, he gave her everything so that she and his two children (boy and girl) would not have to suffer too much of a financial loss.
He has a history of alcoholism (resulting in debilitating alcohol related heart disease) and drug use that he says he believes were self help attempts to manage the terrible nightmares and overwhelming feelings of loss in his life. Loss is a recurring theme in his life... I can't tell you how many times he begged me not to leave him. Told me how much he needed me... The alcoholism has been controlled and I know he spent some time in a rehabilitation facility, but he was in possession of drugs (something requiring a syringe) up until he says I was able to convince him that any kind of impairment would prevent him from being a grandfather to his young grandchild who is a member of their household. I believe he loves this little boy very dearly and is the sole caretaker for this child one day each week. In being a good grandfather, I believe he also tries to 'make up' in some way for having left his first wife and children and disrupted their lives.
*In addition to ALL of this, I need to say that this man has served time in prison on charges that are unknown to me. OH Dear God, I do understand that this is a bright red flag, of MAJOR proportions, but I allowed myself to set this aside and attribute the alcohol and drug abuse, family abandonment, involvement in criminal activities with a major crime organization in the N.East, repeated episodes of explosive rage, physical violence over many years and more to his terrible, mind and life altering experiences in the service.
My repeated, gentle suggestions that he investigate some therapeutic resources, at this very late date, to help him cope with ongoing PTSD and guilt/loss feelings always resulted in complete refusal, saying that doctors know nothing of what he struggles with if they haven't experienced it themselves. He said that when he was discharged from the Marines, a service psychologist made suggestions to him for treatment that resulted in this man physically attacking the doctor. He received a general rather than an honorable discharge due to several angry, violent outbursts after his friend's death. My friend was in charge of the mission. He told me that this kind of discharge from the service prevented him from receiving medical help of any kind through the VA, but I don't know if this is actually a fact. I wanted very much to help a man that I thought was suffering so terribly, very lonely and isolated due to medical disabilities, and unable/unwilling to get help from others. Of course I knew I was unqualified to help him in any professional capacity, but I thought that by being a good friend and a 'sounding board' I could help to alleviate some of his anxieties, and he told me, many times, that I was extremely helpful to him in this way. Of course I doubt this now as I doubt so much about him. What I don't doubt is that it was unrealistic of me to think that I could meet the needs that this man's considerable problems represented, and that a part of my vulnerability was self serving and wanting to feel like a rescuer or heroic in some way. I'm entirely responsible for my own obvious hubris and needing to feel as though I was saving.....
So, to sum it up, I began a friendship with a man that I slowly came to know had a criminal past, a history of violence, alcoholism and drug abuse, who was married and had been married once before. I read what I've just written and can only imagine what a complete naive idiot I must have been and must appear to be now.
But, and as I said, I am married too. I've been married for 35 years to a man who is a very good husband and provider. Nothing exciting and earthshaking about our relationship but a kind, usually very supportive one that could be described as comfortable. None of the issues present in my husband that exist in my friend. My husband and I have our own issues, as all long married couples do, and one of them came to a head at the time my friendship with this man turned to something much more last year.
I felt very angry at my husband and deeply hurt and, frankly, betrayed by my husband as he sided against me in a very serious argument, and I believe that was enough of an emotional wedge between us to allow me to feel wrongly justified in opening the door to someone who told me he loved me, truly needed me, flattered me in every conceivable way, became my accepting, understanding confidant (though I never once criticized my husband to this man), and gave me the kind of overwhelming attention that every woman craves but rarely receives after so many years in marriage.
I know that's not an acceptable excuse for my lapse in fidelity or my behavior from that point forward. Problems in a marriage are never solved by looking for outside sources of relief and I knew that at the time. I chose to ignore it. I was so terribly hurt at the time and had my circumstances been different, I might have been convinced to leave my husband, and this man actually suggested that I meet him for a weekend in a major city in the State in which he lives. I said no. I told him that if I ever made a decision to leave my marriage and it was to come to a new beginning with him, it would be forever. No clandestine coming and going between him and my husband and no weekends here and there. If I came to him it would be to come to stay. He had no plan for that arrangement. I realize that I could have fallen right into the arms, or clutches, of this man who was, thankfully, many, many miles away from me. We had talked at length about my dream of a retirement in a small S. Carolina community where we could spend our days reading, relaxing, enjoying one another's company, long walks on the beach and peace.... All of this in a hope and dream, if only kind of way and if ever our circumstances were to change and we were free to have an open and honest relationship. I repeatedly and sincerely told him that I'm not cut out to be a mistress or secret online relationship, but he would have been very satisfied to have carried on an online extra-marital relationship, indefinitely.
This man lives in a home that was his wife's family property, on an almost depleted annuity and his wife works as a nurse for an orthopedic surgeon. He's led me to believe that he pays his own way there and that they supplement their incomes with the proceeds of the onsite rental property. Money is tight, he says. His past employment was in the construction industry, after incarceration that left him unable to work in other fields. Prior to that he claimed to have worked in adult clubs as a manager (AGAIN, DEAR GOD!!!! Where was my head???) and has also worked as a bartender. All of this said and as horrific as it all sounds, he is a very well spoken, extremely intelligent man and what could be described as a scholarly interest and body of knowledge of history. He reads voraciously. He's a great conversationalist and has a great sense of humor. Claims to be somewhat reclusive at home in disabled retirement, but has two very close friends, one who is a successful business owner in my friend's hometown, who has openly and frequently been unfaithful to his wife, for years. The other being a successful attorney who has the same relationship history with his own wife. Birds of a feather...
Once again, my friend has waved many red flags in front of my face that I've ignored. He told me that he had hoped that, after many years of being single and having had many, many relationships with different women, to settle down to a peaceful married relationship with his present wife who has been a longtime friend and childhood sweetheart, as I said earlier. That was not to be. She left him each day, with a 'mother's kiss' goodbye and refused to have a physical relationship with him after only a few years of marriage. Five years in total if I'm correct. His proposed solution to the frustration and rejection of no physical relationship with his wife was to contact some of his old girlfriends to arrange for secret weekends in the Berkshires together. While in the friendship stage, I told him this sounded like a big mistake for a variety of obvious reasons. He said his successful hometown friend had called, several times, to tell him that some of his old girlfriends might be interested in seeing him on the side, so to speak.
And that became the beginning of his telling me many tales of old girlfriends from his past, some as early as HS, where he met the love of his life (before me, of course) and left her after he knew that his state of mind due to war experiences could have damaged any future they might have together. He said he believed she was somewhat relieved. He also said his mother had warned his first wife that he might have some serious problems that could affect their relationship prior to their marriage, but his first wife married him in spite of this warning....
So, we come to the point when friendship became more. I felt loved, needed, and desirable as I had never felt before in my entire life. I allowed myself to feel more, say more and do more in an online way than I had ever felt comfortable and made allowances for in my offline life before. It was euphoric. It was also anxiety and guilt producing in ways I couldn't begin to cope with. I knew this couldn't continue but I couldn't break free. I wanted to end this, but couldn't let this go and every time I would try to end it he would be crushed and angry. He seemed to have no guilt at all about his own infidelity and no care about the anguish mine was causing me. Back and forth, Pulling me back with needs for my advice and help and knowing my vulnerability to that kind of plea.
Hooks like what he knew were my concerns and my growing attachment to his grandson, and my repeated encouragements to build that special relationship and repair his relationships with his children to begin to put a painful past behind him.
I was idealized and I was also devalued in this relationship. I never, not once, devalued and degraded him in the ways that he did to me. I'll describe the worst of too many instances. They mostly came after I had tried to end the relationship on good terms and for the reason that I knew an extramarital relationship was wrong for me in every way.Concern for his wife and their future together was always in my mind as well.
I have a small business that is satisfying but can also become very time consuming. I had a nightmare of a weekend that required that I work virtually nonstop for almost 72 hours in order to accommodate a deadline. This required me to be unavailable to adequately respond to my friend when he sent a very long, intensely loving and very sexually explicit text to me. He had just lost a very dear, longtime friend and was mourning his death. Unfortunately, the death was service related and my friend claimed it brought back the terrible memories tenfold... The friend's wake was held the weekend of my work marathon.
I explained that I could not stop to reply in kind to his text and that I would return to him the following day, but when I did and asked how his evening had gone, he replied 'fine, I got laid!" I was in shock and felt physically ill. I asked what he had done and why and he explained that he'd gone to the wake with his successful businessman friend and without his wife.
While there, he'd felt so alone and the loss of his longtime friend was almost unbearable. He met an old friend with whom there had always been an attraction and one thing led to another. He had a terrible headache (from some physical malady in his brain) and wanted to leave to find a quiet place and a cup of coffee. The old girl friend quietly consulted the successful businessman about the health of my friend's marriage and when told that it was struggling, invited my friend to come to her home and things proceeded from there.
The story changed...Yes, he had fully intended to sleep with her. No, it hadn't gotten that far or as far as he said. He claimed to have kissed her and said my name, upsetting her and causing her to pull away. I have no idea what actually happened or didn't happen but I told him it was immaterial to me.
I asked how he could reconcile sending a text to me, expressing SO much love and then, in less than six hours, make the decision to sleep with someone. He had no answer for that but that he'd wanted me and needed me and I was unavailable to him that night. He was hurt, angry and felt so alone and empty with the loss of his friend. She represented someone with whom he could escape the pain and was a very nice woman.
I said I understood the pain of grief, a terrible headache, but not walking out of a wake with a slut for relief. There was no excuse for that. I was devastated.
He didn't appreciate my calling this woman a slut, and I realize I really should and could have called HIM something much worse. I didn't. He defended her character and one nights stands like that and I told him that a woman who takes the temperature of a man's marriage and then takes him home to sleep with him is pretty much the dictionary definition of a slut. I wasn't budging from that opinion. No pity from me about his pain and impaired judgement and he never had a moment of remorse about this event. He said he did regret the way in which he told me about it....and to this day I don't really know what happened or that I'd believe him if he swore to tell me the truth of it. No remorse, whatsoever, and defense of it, of himself and of this woman like he had balls of brass.
Later, when we discussed this he reminded me that I had known he was married when I fell in love with him and he asked if that made me a slut as well. I told him it made me ashamed of myself, as he well knew, and that I lived with tremendous guilt and regret for the pain I had helped to create as a result of falling so deeply in love with him, but that I didn't believe I was slut. I had loved him, genuinely loved him, and that though this didn't excuse my wrongdoing, it was something very different from checking with a friend to see if it was ok to take him home to sleep with for a night. He had no reply and I imagine he made no distinction... That didn't stop me from trying very hard to explain them, my feelings, the pain and betrayal I felt and I never received a complete account, any show of remorse or an apology of any kind. Throughout our relationship, he managed to insert references to his past relationships into our conversations, both before and after this, despite my telling him that those details were none of my business. I believe he wanted me to know other women had always found him desirable and make me uncomfortable. He claimed it was only his attempt to let me know that in spite of his many past relationships, I was the one that meant more to him than any ever had. I must have been so deluded, and so damaged in my own way to have allowed this abuse to continue.
As I said, I tried many times and many ways to extricate myself from the relationship, making things worse each time. I loved him but knew I had to find the strength to let go. I was trying to get things between us on good terms with a mutual parting of the ways and the promise of a someday together if our respective circumstances changed in the future....but attempts to pull away brought rage, verbal abuse, claims that I was 'kicking him to the curb'.
I finally invented what I thought was a good way to exit that left the impression that it was necessary but not my choice. That I didn't want to leave, but was forced to because of these outside, extreme circumstances, and again, would hope to find him one day if/when these issues were resolved and our respective circumstances had changed and we were both free to have an open honest, committed relationship. I almost made it.
It seemed to be going fairly well with the goodbyes and well wishes between us, but then that turned to rage and verbal abuse again. He made the mistake of blocking me on Facebook and then quickly tried to re-friend so that, as he claimed, despite his feelings being so angry and hurt, I could still view pictures of him with his grandson (and he, in turn, view my own...). I didn't respond to the friend request.
In my heart, I believe he knew things were coming to closure and was already grooming someone else to take my place. I'm grateful that he seems to be respecting NC. My fear of angering him (former Marine sniper) and never getting free of this relationship was enormous. I'm still in terrible pain, shock, grieving and so fragile. I want to resume my life, repair and rebuild my marriage and try to find ways to forgive what I know I will always regret.
I fear that I fell so deeply, irrationally in love with a man who only existed in my hopes and dreams. He filled some need in me that must be explored and filled in a better, healthier way. I don't know if he is a monster in sometimes very charming disguise or a deeply disturbed, heart-breaking, spiritually and emotionally damaged individual who desperately wants to love and be loved in return. I don't believe I'll ever really know who or what he was and is today, and I know my own recovery can't be dependent upon finding the answers to these questions.
Again, please excuse the extraordinary length I've gone to to explain where I am today and thank you for reading and responding if you wish to. Your insights would be of great value and comfort to me. Godsend doesn't begin to describe my feelings about finding the book and this community of support and understanding. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.