This guest post by Susan Gadd is part of our “Marriage on The Rock” Front Porch Friday series.
Unfaithfulness. Nothing will put a marriage on the rocks any faster. And more than any of the other previous marriage termites that I’ve taught you about in this series (unresolved anger and disrespect), unfaithfulness is the one that will do the most permanent damage to a marriage.
Chances are, you’ve been hurt by unfaithfulness.
Statistics prove that sixty percent of all men and forty percent of all women will commit adultery in their lifetime. There may not be a person alive who hasn’t been touched in one way or another by the pain and devastation caused by the unfaithfulness of a family member or friend. And most of those people never dreamed they would end up a statistic.
So here’s the cold, hard truth: if you think you or your husband could never be at risk for an affair, you are playing the fool. As sinful as it is, given the right set of circumstances, anyone is capable of falling into such a relationship.
Preventative Pest Control: Establishing Biblical Boundaries
To win in sports, you must learn to respect the boundaries on the field or court. And to win in life and do things God’s way, you must create and honor personal boundaries.
Nowhere are boundaries more important than in marriage. Very simply, boundaries are “self-imposed safeguards” that help protect you and your marriage from the temptations you encounter every day. A boundary is like an invisible fence you place around all the different areas of your life. It is a way of saying, “Here are the lines I have chosen to draw, and I will not cross them for any reason.”
So, how do you determine what the boundaries in your life will be? How can you know if a boundary is right or wrong? Answering questions like these in today’s world – where the line between good and bad and right and wrong is very blurred – can be very difficult. And that’s why the Bible must be the foundation and final authority for setting boundaries in your life and marriage.
Does God do Boundaries?
You are God’s personal concern, so He cares about your sexual conduct. He didn’t make rules just to spoil your fun. The prohibitions/boundaries in His Word aren’t meant to confine and make you miserable. On the contrary, they are meant to protect you and bring you the deepest joy you can ever experience in this life.
Purity is not a place, it is an attitude. Sexual purity includes your mind and your spirit, not just your body. That’s why Jesus said, “You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).
God is more concerned about the attitude of your heart because He knows that your actions are always born from your attitudes. That’s why you must draw boundaries not just around your eyes and hands, but around your heart and mind as well if you are ever going to protect your marriage.
Drawing these kinds of boundaries will mean that instead of asking, “How close can I get to the line without crossing it,” you will ask, “How far away from the line can I stay?” To keep your marriage off the rocks, you must decide and determine where your moral boundary lines will be NOW.
Examples of Boundaries
Unsure about where to begin building moral boundaries in your life? Then take a look at the following examples. These may give you a place to start, and they will definitely give you some food for thought and prayer:
No Flirting
Flirting usually begins in innocence. It’s fun because the rushes, emotions, and pleasures are all sexual. It’s foreplay with no payoff. It makes the heart race, the face flush, and a feeling of well-being wash over the body. Flirting may seem harmless, but it’s not.
I Thessalonians 4:3-7 says, “It is God’s will that you should avoid sexual immorality: that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God, and in this matter no one should wrong (defraud) his brother (or sister) or take advantage of him (or her). The Lord will punish such sins…for God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”
The only person you should ever flirt with is your husband. Most married couples have forgotten how to flirt with each other, but it can and should be relearned because this kind of flirting is legal, safe, fun, exciting AND it will benefit and protect your marriage.
Never meet, travel, or dine alone with an unrelated member of the opposite sex.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 says that we are to “abstain from sexual immorality, for this is the will of God.”
So what’s sexually immoral about meeting, dining, or traveling with an unrelated person of the opposite sex? Maybe nothing. But when you think about it, unless you are alone with another person, you will not engage in immorality.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 instructs us to, “abstain from even the appearance of evil.” Logic says that if you abstain from the appearance of evil, you will abstain from evil itself. The important principle is this: If you take care of how things look, you’ll take care of how they are.
Be careful about touching.
Hugging or embracing is only for close friends and relatives, and only in the presence of others. The Bible says that it is wrong for a man to touch a woman in such a way as to arouse sexual passions in either one of them (1 Cor. 7:1). You will never be tempted to make an embrace longer or more passionate than it should be if you make this a boundary in your life.
Pay compliments on external things and not on personal things.
Example: “That’s a pretty dress,” vs. “You look pretty in that dress.”
All of us have emotional needs in our lives. Words that help met those needs can be very tempting, especially if your husband isn’t giving you what you need. Compliments help meet romantic needs for a woman and ego needs for a man. If the person you compliment is in a marriage where pleasure, romance, attention, sex, and ego strokes are missing, a simple compliment can light a fire.
The Bible says that the tongue is a little member of the body that can cause big problems. “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark,” (James 3:5). God tells us to beware of the power of the tongue for good reason.
Dress modestly.
I Timothy 2:9 says, “I want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.” This is very important because men are aroused by what they see. Women must realize the problems they create for men when they wear tight blouses or pants, shorts and skirts that are too short, no bras, and skimpy bathing suits.
1 Corinthians 8:12 teaches that if one Christian causes a weaker Christian to sin, then that person has sinned as well. This is a very serious matter to God, and women need to realize that they can tempt a man to sin by the way they dress.
The man, however, is the one who is ultimately responsible if he chooses to give into temptation. But the Bible is very clear that Christians are not to tempt others to sin. A woman who wants her own husband to stay faithful and pure should not tempt another woman’s husband to stumble because she has no personal boundary in this area.
Guard your eyes and your minds.
Psalm 101:3 says, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing.” Men are turned on by what they see, but this is a problem for some women as well, so everyone should be careful about what they allow their eyes to see. If you are a person who struggles with lust, you need to stay away from things, places, and circumstances that stir it up.
1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” This means turn off the television, shut the magazine, leave the theater, turn off the computer, walk – no, RUN – in the other direction. This is a choice you can make, and a personal boundary you can set for yourself.
These are only a few examples of boundary lines you can establish in your life to protect your marriage. It is imperative that you sit down and establish your own list of boundaries now. They need to be in written, signed and dated. And most importantly, they need to be practiced daily in order to keep your marriage off of the rocks of sin.
A Boundary DO – Not a Don’t
Most importantly, you need to understand that sexual purity isn’t just about saying “no,” it’s also about saying “yes.” 2 Timothy 2:22 says to, “flee youthful lusts,” but it goes on to say, “pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
It’s not enough to run away from what is wrong unless you also are running toward what is right. The very best way to termite-proof your marriage is to aggressively pursue the things of the Lord together.
To avoid the pain of adultery and/or divorce, you must be willing to acknowledge your weaknesses and draw some boundaries. Others may laugh and call you “Victorian” or “prudish,” but remember: doing things God’s way is the key to building your marriage on The Rock.
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Susan Gadd is a wife, mom, grandmother, and Bible teacher. She and her opposites-attract husband Emory have been married 47 years, and they have enjoyed teaching and mentoring hundreds of couples for over 25 years at Sagemont Church in Houston, Texas.
Copyright © 2013. Susan Gadd.
All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
Watch Session 5 of Marriage on The Rock — “Unfaithfulness: 6 Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage” – with Susan and Laurie now!
Any other marriage boundaries you’d add to Susan’s list? Or do you have a marriage question for Susan and Laurie? Please post your comments and questions below. If we receive enough questions, we may do a Marriage on The Rock Q&A episode . . . or two or three. Thanks!
For more wisdom and information about boundaries in marriage, check out Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.