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Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing an Alannah Hill outfit. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in Sass & Bide. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving Ryton and graduating from Melbourne Uni Arts, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has two beautiful daughters.
Timothy is a partner at Mallesons. They live in a large house in Toorak, where Charlotte and Emma, their daughters also have their tennis lessons.
They have a holiday house in Portsea and regularly ski in Canada ..
Clare relates that she graduated from Monash Medicine and became an orthopaedic surgeon, and her husband, Edward, is a high profile Macquarie investment banker.
They live in a Brighton beachfront mansion and have a holiday flat in Little Cove, Noosa.
Samantha explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend Ben. They run a tropical bird park in the Byron Bay hinterland and grow their own vegetables.
Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his love organ.
Several hours later, and half way through the fifth bottle of wine, Rachel blurts out her husband is actually a bank teller at Commonwealth Bank. They live in a small house in Mitcham and have a caravan for their holidays at Tootgarook. Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Edward are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Rosanna and take holiday camping trips to Torquay.
Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
*********************************
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Dang, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
*********************************
The Frog
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1.. Take a shower.
2.. Splash on some nice perfume.
3.. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4.. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise .. . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .... Please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and says STERNLY:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...
*********************************
Wife - "Can I drive?"
Husband - "No. I'm fine"
Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Husband - "No"
Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blow job"
Husband - "Really?"
Wife - "Promise"
Husband - "Oh go on then"...
"And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".
*********************************
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not ma'am; it's only 2130 now."
Cheers
Billy 8-{) :)