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Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven, however, St. Peter has been told that Heaven will only admit a quota of 33% of applicants today. The standard for admission was to be: Who died the worst death?
So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. and I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he screamed in agony, let go and fell twenty-five floors. But the fall didn't kill the damned fornicator, he landed safely in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it felt like it weighed a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and pushed it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell one floor before grabbing another balcony and II held on for dear life.
I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding in a refrigerator, stark naked, and then......"
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. However, when I was young, I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....So how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
"Well", said the 87 year-old. "It's quite simple really, I eat Italian bread every day, it keeps your energy level high and gives you great stamina with the ladies as well."
The 80 year-old was mightily impressed by this, so on the way home he stopped off at the bakery. As he was looking around, the counter lady asked if he needed any help, so he asked, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
"Yes", she replied, "there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"Yes", he said, "I want 5 loaves."
"My goodness, 5 loaves?" said the shop lady, "don't you realise that by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it will have gone hard?"
"I can't believe this!", the 80 year-old exclaimed. "Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."
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The Farmer's Mouse Trap
One day a mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered, then he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathised, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured, you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house like the sound of mousetrap catching its prey, and the farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, but there was little that they could do and she returned home with a bad fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with the farmer around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, .... the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember: --
We are all involved in this journey called life, and when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
Stand by your friends, our lives are woven together for a reason.
Cheers
Billy 8-{) :)