We're all winners tonight. Except for the LOSERS. Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Fellow subjects of the Entertainment Industrial Complex, it's on. Tonight is the 87th Annual Academy Awards ceremony, and we intend to endure the entire thing, FOR YOU! Ensconced in the regal comfort of Seattle's own Bait Shop, my colleagues and I will thrill to the red carpet, the glamour, the wit, the Neil Patrick Harris, the conspicuous wealth, the political engagement, the robust self-love, the occasionally-difficult-to-conceal contempt, but above all, the dignity... always dignity. Below you will find an ongoing chronicle of the Oscars in real time. Enjoy!
7:18
The richest performers alive clapping for freedom of expression. That's what I call brave.
7:15
American Crime commercial. I'm pretty sick of things that use the word "American" in the title as if it connotes some kind of poetic or otherwise meaningful distinction. As opposed to crime itself? Belgian Crime? Operation Mindcrime? Pick a new word, world.
7:10
Best Animated Feature: Big Hero 6. The first five films were but a prelude. Kind of an upset. Per the director's speech, it is not hard to imagine that John Lasseter actually is the best boss in the world.
This show is boring and wrong, but it's nice to see how many ordinary dedicated film workers they still inexplicably feature. I'd obviously never hear of any of the short subjects in any of the three shorts categories. I also hadn't heard of most of the animated features, to say nothing of all the ingenious technicians up for the more glamorous prizes. But there they are, all up on the TV. They deserve it. Film is hard. Film is good.
7:09:
TV: And now, Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson.
Woman at Bait Shop: WHOOO! DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON!
7:08
Best Animated Short: Feast. I haven't seen it but it looks like a cartoon in which a dog eats a lot of human food that doggie digestion probably isn't meant to process. Where are the protestors? Where's my ticker tape parade. I would watch a short cartoon about dogs, though.
7:06
Kevin Hart and Anna Kendrick. A) That guy seems totally charmlesss. B) (daaaamn.)
7:04
Best Visual Effects: Interstellar. Um, DUH.
7:03
Chloe Grace Moretz presenting the Best Visual Effects Oscar. I was in a movie with her one time, too. Now: blogging, sweatshirt, bar, etc. I just ordered my fourth painkiller.
7:00
Rita Ora singing "Grateful," from Beyond the Lights. If only I hadn't ever heard of her, I'd have the trifecta on this one.
In the producer's favor, they are really doing merciful edits on these songs.
6:59
Robert Duvall: Still not amused.
6:53
Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette. Huge applause. This is basically a 100% classic Oscar acceptance speech across the board. Except kind of actually convincingly righteous. "Equal Rights for Women brings them to their feet.
6:51
Jared Leto, Superstar. God, I can't stand that fucker. Nokes says they're exenstions. He's presenting Best Supporting Actress.
6:49
Best Sound Editing: American Sniper. Forget what I just said. Forget everything. Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. I'm never coming back.
6:46
Best Sound Mixing: Whiplash. Perhaps the American Sniper power grab is not shaping up as I'd guessed. Sound Mixing is the ultimate sweep indicator. PS My dad was nominated for that Oscar twice. NBD. (He lost to The Last Emperor and Platoon.)
6:45
Who's this chump standing next to Sienna Miller, now? Oh, Captain America. FINE.
6:44
"Science is an integral part of filmmaking." -Miles Teller solves the "in-TEG-ruhl" vs. "IN-tuh-gruhl" debate, coming down squarely on the side of the former.
6:43
NPH re-enacts the underwear scene from Birdman, with a Whiplash twist.
WHAT IS IN HIS UNDERPANTS? REAL? STUFFED?
6:38
The history of unworthy people performing and being nominated for Best Original Song Oscars is long, but let's not forget the time the world completely reversed on its axis and this happened:
The inestimably beautiful and great Elliott Smith sings "Miss Misery" at the 1998 Oscars.
6:36
Sorry, but Tim McGraw isn't fit to be Glen Campbell's guitar pick tech, although, as Emily points out, his lip gloss game is strong.
6:33
David Oyelowo's red tux, once again, ladies and gentlemen.
And there's Dwayne The Rock Johnson!
Gwyneth Paltrow, I have tried to stem the hate tide, but even in this bar, it sounds like French peasants calling for Marie Antoinette's head when you're on screen.
6:31
Viola Davis is unbelievably excellent in every particular.
6:28
Best Documentary Short: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1.
Director got extra real when talking about her son: "We should talk about suicide, out loud." I love it when humanity escapes from the awards centrifuge.
6:27
Dude, the director of The Phone Call, you're not fooling anyone with that fake-ass accent.
Wait! Sally Hawkins is in it!? I'm listening...
6:25
Best Live Action Short: The Phone Call. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
6:21
Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne in Savage Grace. Wham bam thank you, mom.
I'm sorry, but seeing Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne in the same room can only make me think about the scene in Savage Grace when she gives him a hand job and then climbs on top of him for full sex even though she's his MOM. I know that's coarse but I'm speaking my truth.
6:17
Marion Cotillard introducing Tegan and Sara and The Lonely Island to sing "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego Movie. This is a lot to take in. Nice bit with Oprah getting a Lego Oscar. I don't normally condone dance numbers, but this is strong. &uestove and Mark Mothersbaugh cameos are very good news in any context.
6:16
Neil Patrick Harris is doing some crowd work with the seat fillers that pays off sweetly with Steve Carrell.
6:13
Shirley MacLaine's sequined pantsuit. Pantssuit? Pants Sweet Charity? She's there to introduce Boyhood, The Theory of Everything, and Birdman. Boyhood was a powerhouse if your parents are divorced. Birdman was a powerhouse if you were ever a movie star who struggled with issues about how the public didn't take him seriously enough.
6:10
Best Foreign Language Film: Ida. Poland. Nice job, Academy.
6:09
No offense, but I would still totally give Nicole Kidman one.
6:09
CHEW-uh-tel EDGE-ee-oh-for.
6:06
The AT&T commercial with the funny, lovely Milana Vayntrub. She's very good. I was in a movie with her one time. One of us is LiveSlogging the Oscars. Life is a pretty sweet fruit.
6:05
So far in the bumper music, I have heard orchestral treatments of "The Power of Love" and "Let's Hear It For the Boy."
6:03
Channing Tatum Boner City, USA. He's introducing something called Team Oscar, USA. The Hollywood dipshits of tomorrow. I hate to think what those kids have gone through.
6:02
The thing is, The Grand Budapest Hotel is an immaculate work of imagination, empathy, intellect, and emotion. Admit it.
6:01
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: The Grand Budapest Hotel. It's almost SWEEP!
5:58
Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel. I mean, obviously. Her speech was lovely and all about Wes Anderson, who is wearing yellow-green checks.
5:57
Jennifer Lopez has arrived on the stage, next to Chris Pine.
Emily Nokes: I wish I could figure out what her boobs look like.
We all do, Emily.
5:56
My guess is that the "Dependent Spirit Awards" joke was the subject of a fair amount of debate backstage. Gift bag joke ($160,000 in each one) was chuckling past the graveyard.
5:54
Levine is gone. Here at Bait Shop, Aimee Hossler has won the Guess the Best Supporting Actor contest. Good job, Aimee.
I feel reasonably strongly that the way the show will go is: American Sniper for Best Picture, Richard Linklater for Best Director, or possibly vice versa. One for old Hollywood, one for the frontier spirit.
5:50
Sorry, I have to go. Adam Levine is singing. It's policy. Back in a jiffy.
5:47
A joy to hear Liam Neeson speaking in his native brogue. And not threatening to kill or rescue anyone. He's introducing The Grand Budapest Hotel. I do not understand how people keep pretending they don't love Wes Anderson movies when they obviously do. He then introduced American Sniper. Which I believe will win Best Picture, because Hollywood rewards movies that are massively successful, and to pretend that they oughtn't is weirdly provincial.
5:42
JK SImmons, Best Supporting Actor. Nice job. Thanks his wife, effusively, his children (via wife), also effusively. This is a good speech. "Call your mom, call your dad. If you're lucky enough to have them alive on this planet, call them. Don't text. Don't email."
5:39
OK, first award. Best Supporting Actor. I'm predicting JK Simmons, because everyone is. Though Duvall's pooling himself in the shower scene in The Judge was no slouch. I'd sort of like to see Ethan Hawke win. For healing. No one was BETTER than Ruffalo in Foxcatcher, though.
5:37
It's over! Big O.
(David Oyelowo's red tux is VERY strong.)
Bigger applause for American Sniper's $300 million gross. Key word.
"To fall in love with moving pictures all over again." Indeed.
5:36
Like all musical numbers, this one is already too long. Two choruses = plenty.
5:35
Robert Duvall: unamused.
5:34
JACK BLACK HAS ARRIVED IN THE MUSICAL NUMBER! He is great.
5:33
Anna Kendrick has joined the number, complicating the hipness quotient.
5:32a
Damon-Affleck gay tension allusion. Combined with the joke about whiteness, it seems not impossible to imagine this might be a moderately hip show.
5:32
Speaking strictly as a layman, that's a nice looking set.
5:31
"Best and whitest." Big laugh.
Of course, he has already launched into song.
5:30
The show has begun. Neil Patrick Harris. Gentlemen, start your boners.
5:27
OSCAR HISTORY MOMENT
As we await the beginning of the show proper, I'd like to reflect that, though we hear A LOT about the Rob Lowe/Snow White fiasco, no one ever seems to remember the 1987 Oscars opening number that featured Telly Savalas, Dom DeLuise, and Noriyuki "Pat" Morita singing "Fugue For Tin Horns" from Guys and Dolls. BUT I SAW IT HAPPEN:
5:26
JK Simmons has doffed his hat and embraced his greatness.
5:24
Patricia Arquette, my love for you has never dimmed.
5:20
They've moved inside. First Meryl Streep sighting. "The greatest actress we have." -Stranger Editor Christopher Frizzelle. I just made it to halfway through my second Painkiller (a frozen rum drink). This is getting deluxe.
5:18
Kerry Washington to ABC person: "You're SO sweet." As close to sincerity as I currently am to Hollywood Blvd.
5:16
I guess not seeing the side of Lady Gaga's breast would have been a bigger surprise.
5:15
Faith Hill and Tim McGraw have gone through the "we no longer look even remotely like we looked when you first saw us" machine.
5:13
Bradley Cooper, one of America's finest snipers.
Nice to see the classic tux + bowtie is back this year. I think a black necktie with a tuxedo makes you look like a creep.
5:11
Divergent 2: Insurgent.
PLEASE let the next one be called Detergent.
5:07
Taya Kyle, widow of American sniper Chris Kyle. I'm guessing the fashion wags of the world all just deleted a ton of very bitchy observations about her green dress when they found out who she was.
Asked how Chris would've felt about the $300million worldwide box-office success of American Sniper, she says, "he would be blown away."
Words no longer have meaning and the show hasn't even started yet.
5:06
Naomi Watts in a sequined sports bra. I vote yes, Academy.
5:04
Ethan Hawke at the Oscars is the ultimate evidence that the cultural influence of the '90s has been completely forgotten. Although, he did just say "cinema is always evolving," soooooooooo.....
5:03
Emma Stone and her psyched mom.
4:57
Lupita Nyong'o in a white dress that appears to be largely made of pearls. An excellent choice, at least according to THIS dumpy middle-aged wag sitting in a bar, typing on a laptop, wearing a sweatshirt he's had on all weekend. Take it to the fashion bank.
4:56
HD broadcasting and face make-up. A civil war is brewing.
4:55
Jennifer Lopez is showing her tasteful, understated sideboob tonight.
4:53
Reese Witherspoon looks super hot. AND ALSO TALENTED. Jesus. The ABC person asked her why the character in Wild "resonated with" her. You may find this hard to believe, but Witherspoon said it was the challenge.
4:49
Reese Witherspoon is in the "on-deck circle." Can we just have one night without sports metaphors, ABC? Not everyone has to knock everything out of every park.
4:37
Marion Cotillard: I always want to go deep
Stranger Music Editor Emily Nokes: That's literally what she said.
4:36
Interviewer to Marion Cotillard: "You're the only actress nominated for a foreign film. That must feel AMAZING."
4:34
Fifty Shades of Grey star Dakota Johnson and her hydraulic mother Melanie Griffith in the early contender for awkwardest red carpet interview. One refreshing thing is that D.J. has clearly not been coached.
4:33
Julianne Moore freckle solidarity.
4:32
The great JK Simmons (Best Supporting Actor favorite) is wearing a hat. Dude. The secret is out.
4:27
Kevin Hart, asked which star would be his choice if he could only take one selfie: "Wow, that's a really tough question. You know, I'm a really big Meryl Streep fan..." Gentlemen, start your Google Image Search engines.
4:23
The red carpet rolls on and the ABC hosts are doing their best not to look dumpy alongside the nominees they're interviewing—thus far: Michael Keaton (black tux), Rosamund Pike (red dress), Eddie Redmayne (blue tux), and Felicity Jones (silver dress). I would like to tell you more specifics about the garments, but the simple fact is they are very nice looking garments, and the actors are beautiful, because that is every actor's job.
4:21
A Yoplait commercial featuring the Kinks' "All Day and All of the Night" is not an auspicious way to start things off.
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