It’s night two of this dramatic two-part Bachelorette event, and we pick up where we last left off. After a stern talking to and a bro handshake from Chris Harrison, Chad returns to the mansion to make things right with the guys. He does this by offering Evan $20 for his ruined shirt and promising not to kick anyone’s ass as long as they never speak to him again.
Seems like a deal I’d be happy to take.
Jojo arrives and takes off her top, to cut the tension. What follows is a pool party where the guys act like they’re in a Bugsby Berkeley movie until Evan ruins all the fun with a bloody nose and this is why we can’t have nice things.
One by one, Jojo talks to each of the guys but when Chad overhears Derek filling her in on the house gossip, he goes into damage control mode. “Dude,” he begins, “I’m not the guy who stole your girlfriend,” which is an unusual way to start an apology, but okay. It ends with Derek accusing Chad of playing into the camera. Chad responds by saying that he doesn’t even watch the show because he has a life, which is what every idiot troll on the Internet says.
Looking at you @gherif
Everyone tidies up, and she sends home Christian, Ali and Santa Claus, so I hope Jojo isn’t expecting anything great for Christmas this year.
The next day, Jojo boards the worlds shittiest excuse for an airplane and takes off for Namacolin Pennsylvania, which I am not even sure is a real place. The guys jump on the beds and slide down the bannisters until the date card arrives and I hope ABC isn’t hoping to get their security deposit back.
Luke gets the first date, a dogsled ride and a dip in a hot tub. He reveals his military past and they bond over their love of Nashville and Austin, his two favorite places.
And now I want to date Luke.
Their date ends at a concert where the audience videotapes them making out while two guys who must use Jordan’s hairdresser sing a song about their grandparents.
The group date card comes with everyone’s names but Alex and Chad, leaving the rocket scientists in the house to conclude that the last date will be a two-on-one. As a seasoned Bachelor viewer, it seems pretty early in the season for the dreaded double date, but I guess they really, really wanted to send Chad home.
In case you were wondering if the producers are rooting for Jordan, the group date is a football game with some famous guys whose names I don’t care enough about to even google for correct spelling. Jojo says that it’s not every day that her guys get to spend time with a pro football player. Except Jordan, Jojo. His brother is Aaron Rodgers. Didn’t you get the memo? The guys hot dog around until they learn that they’ll be playing a game – and only the winners will get a date with Jojo. Jordan, the former pro-quarterback will be playing for both teams.
And I just really, really wanted to write that last line.
If I’m being honest, I have no idea what happened, because just like when real football is on, I left the room to get a snack.
When I got back, Jordan was being given the rose and
Chase
Robby was disappointed.
It’s finally time for the two-on-one, and Alex is dressed in military garb. His mission: send Chad home. Not just for the guys in the house but for America. He’s even wearing star spangled socks. As the guys get ready for the date, Chad takes a vote of who is part of the “we hate Chad club” which has more members than I think he anticipated. He instructs them that none of them is ever allowed to speak to him again. When Jordan starts laughing, Chad accuses Jordan of thinking this is a show.
Which it is, by the way.
He then threatens to find out where Jordan lives and come find him. No word on whether he is also going to buy his domain name and redirect it to his Instagram page.
The guys arrive by helicopter to learn that they’ll be hiking. There are many totally disturbing moments like when Chad picks up a hatchet or when Alex describes his nemesis as “disingenuine.” Seriously, all things being equal, Jojo should leave them both in the woods.
After an awkward pause between the three, Jojo steals Alex away, to get to the root of the Chad issue. Meanwhile, Chad is not concerned because no one ever buys the first house they look at, which shows that Chad is also a really shitty realtor or he’d be able to gage what his clients are looking for more efficiently.
When Jojo returns, she confronts Chad about what she’s been told. She’s confused. The Chad she knows is sweet and sensitive. (I mean, except for the time that he called you naggy. Or refused to participate in the challenge. Or threw a microphone.) She asks him if he’s been violent or made threats. He smiles like the sociopath that I’m pretty sure he is, and then assures her that it’s only to get people to shut up.
Oh, in that case…
When Chad returns, he assures Alex he’s not mad; just disappointed. Disappointed he can’t hurt him without getting in trouble. After some “me-time” Jojo rejoins the guys and lets Chad know that violence is never the answer. She hands Alex the rose, leaving Chad in the woods where he belongs and immediately takes Alex to a plastic surgeon to see what they can do to alter his face so Chad never finds him agin.
Back at Casa de Axe Body Spray, a bearded woodsman removes Chad’s luggage to the cheers of his former adversaries. But, just when you think it’s over, Chad returns with a creepy whistle to scrape his fingers down the window of the front door like a spirit from Salem’s Lot hopped up on creatine.
See you in two weeks.