On Snapchat lately, Spencer Pratt’s decided to share all of the tabloids he gets with us, and how he feels about some of our favorite and least-favorite celebrities (including his seething hatred for Jaime King) - here’s some of this thoughts!
#1
On The Bachelor: “Is Ben really a catch? I’m not sure. He doesn’t even have a vineyard or a ranch.”
On Kylie’s Lips: “Wow, the lip kit’s really popping - congrats Kylie. Does the lip kit come with injections though?”
On Jaime King: “Did I mention that I can’t stand Jaime King? I see right through your ‘trying to be in Taylor Swift’s clique’ girl. I see it.”
On The Pope “I’m so over the Pope, yo. We don’t want him in our magazine Us Weekly. Go somewhere else famewhore!”
On Gwen And Blake: “Part of me is starting to think maybe this is a business move. I don’t know, you’re coming a little hard - a little hot - I don’t know…”
On Conan: “Shoutout Conan O'Brien who I saw at my coffee shop and he actually acknowledged me as a human being and talked to me.”
On Kate Hudson: “Shoutout to Kate Hudson who’s made a career out of Instagram posts and tabloid pics post-being a movie star.”
On JLo “Shoutout to JLo for winning life, you know it girl.”
Juice Diets: “If you juice, you’re weird.”
On Red Dresses: “I personally think red should only be on the red carpet - but I’m no stylist.”
#2
On Makeovers: “I should be a stylist, if these stylists just get to cut all your hair off and then call that a makeover? Come on now.”
On God: “I’m not a Lindsay Lohan fan.”
On Barbara Walters Calling Bradley Cooper Screwable: “Barbara, nobody wants to be hearing who you think is screwable.”
On Throwing Your Baby: “One day, God willing, Speidi does have a baby - I promise you nobody is throwing the Speidi baby in the air. I’m not throwing the baby, Heidi’s not throwing the baby. What if there was an earthquake right when you were lifting your baby up in the air and your baby fell to the ground?”
On This Picture Of Demi Lovato: “See this is what’s unfair about the game, right here, this is why people hated Speidi. One of the reasons people hated Heidi and Spencer is 'cause that was famewhorey, but now - it’s a 'funny photo-op’ not 'cheesing it up for the cameras’ or 'trying to get attention’.”
On This Picture Of Olivia Wilde: “Here is a paparazzi shot done in class. 'Oh, I don’t know there’s photographers on the beach, I’m just meditating!’ Let’s all take a moment and applaud the fact she used the magic hour. Notice the lighting, she doesn’t even need her sunglasses!”
On Jaime King (Again): “Here’s my least favorite famewhore, little Taylor Swift stalker. Writing Taylor Swift 14-page letters like 'It’s your birthday, I’m 20 years older than you!’ Like, yo, you’re too old for Taylor Swift’s clique lady. I know you think you’re like her godmother because you’re like 'so’ sweet.”
On The Hemsworth’s “These brothers, they’re like a mob, you can’t compete with them.”
On Katie Holmes: “Come on Katie, show us your teeth when you smile - you’re free from Scientology!”
On Selena Gomez: “Selena’s sexy concert face is the face I have after I finish 2 burritos.”
On Lilo In Training: “Get ready ladies and gentlemen, this is the year Bella Thorne takes the whole motherfucking game from all these bitches.”
On Justin Bieber’s Dating Life: “Any Belieber, like myself, knows JB is not going for this lady with 3 kids who’s grumpy all the time. Not to mention, JB seems like the kind of superstar that wants a girlfriend to shower - and Kourtney always says on the show she doesn’t shower.”
On Cameron And Benji: “This couple is beyond… beyond.”
On Amber And Johnny: “I’m sure Amber is in this for the right reasons, totally, totally the right reasons.”
On Mila And Ashton “I knew these two would end up married ever since I saw That '70s Show once for a second, but I am sad for the Home Alone guy.”
On Taylor Swift: “I’m not sure anyone will ever bring more girls with them as guests to an event as Taylor Swift did this last year. Pretty legendary.”
On Nicole Kidman And Keith Urban “Now this is wild, I had no idea Nicole… Kidman? was married post-Tom Cruise.”
On Real Housewives: “Well, let me tell you something Real Housewives of Orange County. If you fire OG Vicki, you might as well cancel the whole show.”
On Ceiling Eyes’ Baby: “Audrina and Cory are having a baby, it wasn’t just a pregnancy ad, it’s real! It’s real!”
On Cynthia From RHOA: “Cynthia, you need to get rid of Peter, he’s dead weight.”
On Daisy Ridley: “Daisy, I hope your career works out better than… what was the guy you used to have a crush on Heidi?” “Hayden!” “Hayden Christensen’s career.”
On Rachel Zoe: “Rachel has a passion for fringe… yep… and not eating, clearly.”
On Beyonce’s Christmas Outfit: “I promise you ladies and gentlemen, next Christmas I will have a better Christmas outfit than Beyonce. I didn’t know we were going at this level. Get ready Bey.”
#3
On TV: “Yo, MTV. I think you need to do an all-stars The Hills, Jersey Shore, and Party Down South. Boom!”
On Lauren Conrad: “Yo, ready for a real fact. In LC’s prime, she could easily have outdrank Snooki. That’s a fact, right there - boom!”
On Preferred Smells: “Some people like the new car smell, I like the smell of Mexican food - specifically burritos.”
#4
On Miley And Liam “This is great news, I really hope Miam is for real. I hope he gets her kinda under control.”
On Kendall Jenner And Harry Styles: “I don’t care what anyone says. I believe this is real. I’m not believing any of you haters - they’re real, they love each other.”
On Amber And Johnny (Again): “Amber Heard wins no matter what 'cause she pulled Johnny Depp and now is probably gonna get a couple of hundred plus million dollars when he dies.”
On Mark Salling’s Child Porn Bust: “Yeah, I’m not gonna get into this, 'cause it’s just so gnarly, but I will say I never trusted Glee, I still don’t trust Glee.”
On Madonna’s Custody Battle: “Yo Madonna, let Rocco chill with Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie’s the man, that’s why you married him. Let him have a little fun with dad!”
On Katy Perry And Russell Brand: “I miss this couple so much.”
On Kim K’s Style Evolution: “Honestly, I get that all these outfits Kim wears cost so much money, but I will say the Kim K from 2006 had way doper clothes.”
On Hilary Duff Denying 'Debuting’ Her Post-Baby Body: “Oh Haylie, you’re so full of shit: 'I was like that’s not a debut, that’s an errand’, like oh yeah, you didn’t get ready for your first pap shots post-baby. I meant to say Hilary, Haylie’s your sister - the YouTube chef.”
On Ryan Phillippe’s Physique: “Shoutout to Ryan, bro, we know you’re on that HGH growth hormone shit, but it’s working player - you do you!”
On Daisy Ridley (Again): “Shoutout to this British girl that ruined Star Wars. I thought you were terrible, but that’s just my opinion - and Heidi’s!”
On Zac Efron’s Girlfriend: “Yo, Zac Efron definitely found a girl that looks as close to Vanessa Hudgens, but I will say a little skinnier!”
On Spooky Waterhouse: “She’s like 'I don’t need Bradley Cooper to do paparazzi shots, I’ll just call up Cara! Cara, will you come ride a wave with me so we can get a little tabloid action?’”
On Mandy Moore: “Woah, did Mandy Moore get a new boyfriend? Who’s this guy? I thought she just got a divorce. You go Mandy! And… I’m not sure who he is.”
On An American Citizen: “No matter what Reese Witherspoon’s doing, all I think of is her drunk yelling at that cop.”
On Brit Brit: “Go Brit! You’re gonna take the game back one day. Woo! Go Brit!”
On Leonardo DiCaprio: “Shoutout Leo for straight laughing in Gaga’s face, bro, you’re my new favorite Hollywood actor ever.”
On Kit Harrington: “With all due respect Us Weekly, that is not 'ripped.’ That’s about as soft as you can get without just being fat. Technically, that’s skinny fat. Yo, Kit Harrington, I know you got the Game of Thrones role - oh wait, they killed you? Spoiler alert! Is that why you’re all depressed and have no muscle bruh? Step it up.”
On This Picture Of Kobe Bryant: “Kobe’s like: 'Yo, don’t take my photo fool. I don’t wanna be on your Snapchat. Get fucking out of here.’”
On Jerry O'Connell: “Some stars need to get off Instagram and get some fucking roles.”
On Naomi Watts And Liev Schreiber: “What a power couple, you two are great, I like you.”
On Bethenny Frankel: “I definitely didn’t think you were coming back to Real Housewives of New York, but that’s what happens when they can’t see your talk show, damn haters. I loved your talk show!”
On Sofia And Joe: “Photos of these two never get old, I’m so glad you got a good guy Sofia. That investment banker you dated was a piece of shit.”
On Ryan Phillippe’s New Fiancee: “I am actually really surprised this 24-year old Stanford University law student wants to marry a 41-year old out-of-work actor.”
On Steve-O And Kat Von D: “This is such an interesting couple, they should do a Newlyweds reality show. I would watch that! Do it!”
On Rob K’s Weight: “I know this is a conspiracy, but I think Rob Kardashian gained all this weight 'cause Rita Ora cheated on him with Jonah Hill who was that fat.”
On Kate Bosworth: “Yo, Kate Bosworth, it’s been all downhill since Blue Crush girl - I’m sorry.”
On Lauren Conrad’s New Hair: “'LC ditched her signature light locks for a festive red’ - Girl, you better leave the red hair to Bella Thorne, you trippin’.”
On Jennifer Lawrence: “I will say JLaw, this is the beginning of your downfall. I hate to say it.”
On Dating: “Yo, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, find yourself a billionaire - especially if he’s from another country. Shoutout Salma Hayek!”
On Kim’s Surgery Rumors: “Woah, woah, In Touch - I don’t know about your sources but Kim’s said she’s NEVER had plastic surgery.”
On January Jones And Jon Hamm: “Aww January, not Jon, he’s the worst - you can do better, nobody likes him.”
On Selena Gomez (Again): “Yo shoutout Selena, I wanna know what your diet plan is, 'cause you definitely lost - not to exaggerate - at least 30lbs.”
On Lady Gaga: “Boooooooo….. BOOOOOOOO!”
#5
On Hollywood’s Massage Parlor Trend: “Yo, maybe Ashton’s just getting cheap massages. I’ve got plenty of friends that go to shady massage parlors for the bootleg massage.”
On The Gift Zac Efron Got From His Mom: “Real talk, if my mom got me penis-shaped pasta I would be like, 'What the fuck?’ No bro, your mom is not on-point if she put that in your stocking, your mom’s suspect as shit.”
On Robsten: “I miss Robsen, Robsten, I don’t know what their name is.”
On The Jonas Brothers: “The only Jonas brother we care about is Kevin and his wife and their reality show that was amazing that should come back and you two should go into hiding.”
On Anne Hathaway: “Shoutout Olivia Munn for making me not dislike you the most in Hollywood, Anne [Hathaway], you’re clear.”
On Sheree from RHOA: “Yo, shoutout Sheree, Chateau Sheree, you’re the one.”
On Miranda Kerr: “Yo Miranda Kerr needs to write a dating book ASAP, she gets a baby daddy Orlando Bloom and now a billion-dollar Snapchat boyfriend.”
Thanks for reading!