And so it goes, all good things must come to an end. After documenting nearly 40 weeks of pregnancy, here’s a summary of my final weeks and a timeline of my baby’s big day:
Week 34: Day 6
Bye, bye mucous plug. It’s been pretty gross.
No dilation. No effacement.
Excited anyway, only one more week I bet.
Week 35: Day 5
Three centimeters dilated. 50 percent effaced.
Doctor says she bets I don’t make it another week.
Pack my bag.
Week 36: Day 5
Three to four centimeters dilated. 50 percent effaced.
Doctor says she’s surprised I made it.
Optimistically says she doesn’t expect to see me again for my next appointment.
Week 37: Day 3
Three to four centimeters dilated. 80 percent effaced.
Doctor and I have a brief conversation about how she was wrong because, still pregnant.
Week 38: Day 3
Four centimeters dilated. 80 percent effaced. Still.
Membrane sweep is done.
Natural induction exploration begins.
Bye, bye mucous plug, again. Still gross.
Membrane sweep proves pointless.
Natural induction methods all fail with the same ease as I did in college chemistry. Note: refused to try castor oil for fear of both diarrhea and labor. Not a life experience I care to become familiar with.
Pelvic Pressure increases. I turn to Google to see if any humans have ever given birth to elephants.
Regret turning to Google. Vow to never turn to Google again.
Week 39: Day 3
Four to Five centimeters dilated 80 percent effaced.
Doctor says she could stretch me to a five if she wanted.
Doctor Does not stretch to me to a five.
Doctor says bag of waters is so low and just sitting there and it’s tempting to just break it.
Doctor does not break the bag of waters despite me saying that I wouldn’t tell anyone if she did.
Doctor does membrane sweep instead.
Bye, bye mucous plug, again. Still gross.
Give up hope on all natural induction methods and membrane sweep. Sulk in chocolate and eggnog Note: I don’t make the rules on pregnancy cravings and flavor matching.
Pelvic pressure is so intense I waddle with record breaking lengths.
Can’t feel my bladder.
Week 40: Day 1 : Baby’s Official Due Date
5:45 a.m. – Husband and I get up and get ready to go to the hospital for scheduled induction.
6:00 a.m. – We leave for the hospital, I complain about how uncomfortable his truck is to ride in at this point in pregnancy.
6:15 a.m. – Husband and I arrive at hospital.
7:00 a.m. – I tell Husband to get a snack while I get ready. Joke about hospital gown styles.
7:15 a.m. – Husband comes back with S’mores flavored hot cocoa, he’s excited.
8:00 a.m. – Discover I dilated to six centimeters somewhere between my house, Walmart, and the hospital. Praise uncomfortable truck for a job well done.
8:00 a.m. – Doctor decides no Pitocen is needed as I am evidently in labor. With no pain. Joke about no pain.
9:15 a.m. – Doctor breaks water.
9:30 a.m. – First painful contraction hits.
9:35 a.m. – Second one hits.
9:40 a.m. – You get the general idea here.
9:45 a.m. – Everything stops being funny.
10:00 a.m. – Still not funny.
10:15 a.m. – Get fentanyl because why not? Joke around about how Starbucks should add this to their flavor list.
10:17 a.m. – Sure, it all still hurts but I just don’t care.
10:20 a.m. – Fentanyl wears off.
10:21 a.m. – I start to care again.
10:22 a.m. – Everything stops being funny.
10:30 a.m. – Decide to get a spinal. Hasn’t it been a painful enough few weeks?
10:45 a.m. – Spinal administered. I joke about spinals.
10:47 a.m. – I excuse husband downstairs to get himself some breakfast.
11:00 a.m. – I nap because it feels soooooo warm and cooozy and I haven’t felt this good since I was 25.
11:45 a.m. – Dilated to 10 and start to push. Freak out over seeing my legs, but not being able to feel them.
11:45 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Pushing.
12:00 p.m. – Doctor comes back in.
12:05 a.m. – Push. Hold for 10 seconds. Do this three times. Get oxygen after each set, puke, repeat.
12:10 p.m. – Baby’s shoulder gets stuck on the way out.
12:11 P.m. – Things get a little crazy and a little scary.
12:15 p.m. – Still pushing. Holding for 10 seconds. Getting oxygen after each set, puking, repeat.
12:20 p.m. – Baby is out.
Weighing in at 9 pounds 7 ounces and 22 inches long is this “little” guy. The biggest baby blessing of our family. Figuratively and literally.
And yes, I did get my chocolate cake.
This post originally appeared on Christina’s personal blog The Mediocre Housewife.