Adult ADHD
Symptom, signs and relationships . . .
Forget your keys again? Was it your turn to pick the kids up? Did you find yourself spacing out while the boss was talking to you and you’re way behind on that project? You are not alone . . .
How do you know you have ADHD?
“Many times it is normal to forget your keys but when you never can find your keys, that’s the problem, says Patricia Quinn, M.D., a developmental pediatrician and co-founder and director of the National Center for Girls and Women with ADHD in Washington D.C..
How else do you know if you have ADHD?
The basic adult ADHD symptoms are the same for men and women: inattentiveness, impulsivity and hyperactivity. You have to have them for at least six months. They’re usually pervasive and affect you throughout the day. We also look for family history.
For men, it tends to be external motor activity; for girls, it’s more fidgeting and twirling their hair. With females, [you see more] hyper-talkativeness.“[1]
Being Married to ADHD
“A study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders (August 2004 vol. 8 no. 1 1-10) analyzed marital adjustment and family relationships of adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). In the study, the marital adjustment and family functioning of 33 married adults with ADHD and their spouses was compared to 26 non-ADHD control participants and their spouses. Results revealed that married adults with ADHD reported poorer overall marital adjustment on the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS; Spanier, 1989) and more family dysfunction on the Family Assessment Device (FAD; Eptein, Baldwin, & Bishop, 1983) than control adults. (These scales/devices (DAS and FAD), are commonly used in the diagnosis of ADHD). The spouses of adults with ADHD did not differ from control spouses in reports of overall marital adjustment and family dysfunction. A greater proportion of their marital adjustment scores, however, fell within the maladjusted range. The ADHD adults’ perceptions of the health of their marriages and families were more negative than their spouses’ perceptions.”[2]
“Indeed, the divorce rate is nearly twice as high for people with ADHD, which affects roughly 4 percent of adults, as it is for other couples, says marriage consultant Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. Symptoms include trouble staying focused and paying attention, difficulty understanding or following instructions, and hyperactivity, or fidgeting frequently and talking excessively. In adults, ADHD usually isn’t diagnosed until symptoms persist and spread into multiple aspects of daily life, from success at work to the ability to form romantic relationships.”
“ADHD is typically missed or overlooked when couples are dating. The partner with ADHD is often hyper-focused, sending flowers, checking in with frequent phone calls, and showering the significant other with loving attention. The excitement is stimulating—a feel-good self-medication of sorts, Orlov says. The transition to marriage can be jarring. Once the relationship becomes familiar, the frenzy of attention is likely to ebb. The partner without ADHD, bewildered by the abrupt change, may start to feel unloved or unattractive—interpreting a distracted spouse as an uninterested spouse.”
“As time passes, tensions can build if the condition isn’t recognized or its symptoms and motives are misunderstood. The trademark impulsivity could translate into rash financial decisions. Or a husband might habitually interrupt his wife because he “doesn’t have the brakes to stop” and is afraid of losing his skittery thoughts if he waits, says Orlov. To the non-ADHD partner, the interruptions are disrespectful.”
“When all these ADHD behaviors collide, the non-ADHD spouse usually experiences a sense of loneliness, exhaustion, feeling ignored, anger and a sense of hopelessness.” [3]
“What’s the secret to a healthy ADHD marriage? It may be in the way couples communicate when they fight — and how quickly they forgive and move on afterward”.
The following are strategies to help maintain a healthy relationship with your ADHD partner:
“1. Start with a complaint, not a criticism. “I’m concerned that the garbage isn’t getting taken out regularly” is a complaint. “You never take out the garbage like you promise” is a criticism. Complaints work better; they are more respectful and don’t put the listener on the defensive so quickly.
Use a soft start — or ease into a topic. Soft starts show respect for the other person by not making assumptions. They usually include an observation, and they focus on feelings. Here’s an example of a soft start: “I really miss you. We aren’t spending enough time together these days.” The hard-start version of this is “You never pay attention to me!”
Be respectful. No matter how difficult the topic, or how upset you are, your partner always deserves respect. Don’t justify screaming or belittling. Treat your partner as you would like to be treated.
Use non-threatening words and don’t bully your partner. If you become flooded with emotions and feel you can’t help yourself, try to let your partner walk away from the argument.
Use clarifying phrases, such as, “If I understand correctly, we both think….”
Talk calmly. This is hard when things are emotional. Mindfulness training and deep breathing help.
Use verbal cues to de-escalate your interactions. In the Orlov household, if one of us gets too emotional — it happens to both of us — we may use the pre-agreed-on verbal cue “aardvark” to suggest we both need to take a break. We will return to the conversation later.
Look your partner in the eye. This serves the dual purpose of communicating effectively how you feel and ensuring that you have your partner’s attention.
Look for common ground. You are more likely to stay constructively engaged if you focus on similarities and shared concerns. Redirect an argument over bedtimes with “I know we are both trying to figure out the best balance between enough sleep and time with the kids…,” putting you both on the same problem-solving team.
Ask open-ended questions. The best fights are conversations in which you happen to disagree. Don’t lecture your partner. Instead, invite him or her in. “Do you see it that way?” or “What do you think?” can help. Listen to your partner’s response.
Use affirming statements. Even if you disagree with your partner, you can still make sure your partner’s opinion gets heard. “I understand that you feel I should be doing more chores, but I’m not sure I have enough time. We need to talk further” is more constructive than “I’m busy.” You may still not take on more chores, but you have shown that you hear your partner’s concern.
Accept the legitimacy of negative emotions. Rather than fighting against negative emotions, commiserate with your partner. This is important if your partner is feeling grief. You may be ready to “move on” but you will help your partner heal if you respond with “I’m so sorry we’ve been through all of this. It’s been hard.”
If these strategies seem obvious, ask yourself if you are using them consistently. Probably not. It takes thought and practice to use affirming statements and ask open-ended questions when you are angry. It’s not just the words, it is the emotions behind them that count.”[4]
There is Hope . . .
“With understanding and knowledge, one can transcend these feelings and find a new way of being in the relationship. Learning all you can about ADHD and how it affects your partner is vital. It is important to remember that even though your partner may no longer be hyper-focused on you and your relationship, it does not mean he/she does not still love you.
When both partners understand the way ADHD symptoms are impacting the marriage, you can avoid patterns of frustration and anger. You must learn different behaviors to heal these kinds of wounds through education, communication and counseling.”[5]
Learn how you and your loved one can better deal with the difficulties ADHD presents by attending one of Play Attention’s free Speed Webinars: http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/[6] Play Attention integrates feedback technology with cognitive skill training and behavior shaping: http://www.playattention.com/[7]. Complete our short survey and help us customize a Play Attention program that will address your specific needs. To learn more: http://www.playattention.com/learn-more/.[8]
[1] http://www.lifescript.com/health/centers/adhd/tips/doctor-recommended_tips_for_women_with_adhd.aspx
[2] http://jad.sagepub.com/content/8/1/1.short
[3] http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2010/09/28/can-your-relationship-survive-adhd
[4] http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10830-2.html
[5] http://www.yourtango.com/experts/leslie-rouder/add-marriage-how-be-happily-married-your-add-spouse
[6] http://www.playattention.com/speed-webinar/
[7] http://www.playattention.com/
[8] http://www.playattention.com/learn-more/