Gather ’round, children, for it’s time again to read the cards, seek answers in your palm, and let the things which we do not know be known. Nothing is more frightening than the unknown; otherwise, why continually ask the universe just for a glimpse into what lies ahead? We wander and wish for answers, we gather around blazing fires to tell each other stories that offer trinkets of wisdom and the interesting mistakes we then label “experience.” In the end, it might be knowledge that we are after, but it’s comfort in the chaotic universe that we seek. Count your dice and lay down the bones. Let’s come together to seek out the potential in what comes next.
Scorpio
October 23 to November 21
Ever heard the very real, very true tale of the The Illustrated Lady? Born as Julia Gnuse, the famed tattooed queen was born with a rare skin condition known as porphyria, a genetic condition that causes skin to blister from the sunlight. This condition leads to permanent, dark scarring, as well as vomiting, headaches, and abdominal pain. Gnuse sought help, only to be told over and over that perhaps she would be best to stay inside. But then something happened that seemed to flip her fate forever. A doctor casually recommended that she get tattoos to not only cover up the already vulnerable scar tissue, but to further protect the skin that wasn’t damaged. Besides, how funny was it that the word porphyria itself is derived from the Greek word πορφύρα, porphyra, aka, ”purple pigment”? By 55, Gnuse was covered from head to toe in tattoos, a brand new skin that would no longer bring about such pain from the slightest exposure to the sun. She even won the Guinness Record for being the most tattooed woman in the world, a title she still holds to this day. Scorpio, what is it you can take away from Gnuse regarding your own source of pain, that piercing, awful feeling that has yet to go away (and probably never will)? How are you going to turn that which breaks your heart into a million pieces into that which will save your life? I can’t tell you the how, only that like Gnuse, you have to subvert your own pain if you want a life exposed to the light.
Sagittarius
Death from touching a stationary object seems a bit dramatic, no? Certainly not to the folks of Augusta, Georgia, who have fiercely warned the tourist masses against touching The Haunted Pillar that resides within their city, though, if you care to go against such things, they will certainly smile silently as if to say, “I can’t tell you I told you so when you’re dead.” The ten foot tall concrete pillar is all that remains of a market that existed in the center of the city back in the 1800s, a piece of blatant history that is certainly out of place against the flat roads and modern structures that surround it. “According to local legend” says Atlas Obscura, “a street preacher was not allowed to spread the good word in front of the market and he swore that the building would be destroyed by great winds leaving only a single pillar which should not be touched under threat of death. The market was then, in fact, destroyed by a freak winter tornado which left nothing but the single column standing.” Locals swear that if you touch the pillar, you will most certainly perish shortly after, and they mean very shortly after, because honey, spoiler alert, everybody dies. How is it that a simple structure can hold an entire city captive? It may seem silly to you, dear Sagittarius, but before we go waxing on about the superstitions of the Bible Belt, have you considered the very own things in your life you hold at bay, so deeply afraid of what happens if you touch upon them? While the folks of Augusta might have a concrete pillar that represents all their fears, you have buried your own deep within your chest. I’m not saying go forth and wrestle them, no, I honestly fear you might die if you make immediate impact. But little by little, perhaps you should creep up onto those forbidden places that scream “immediate death.” Maybe you should tame them, take the fear out of them, bury them in the ground, finally, where they won’t be such a cause for fright. I can’t promise you won’t die, but honey, again, aren’t we all going to die anyway?
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Capricorn, have you ever heard the Law of Fuck Yes? Created by Mark Manson, it simply goes as following: “The Law of ‘Fuck Yes or No’ states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say ‘Fuck Yes’ in order for you to proceed with them. The Law of ‘Fuck Yes or No’ also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a ‘Fuck Yes’ in order for you to proceed with them.” A brilliant concept, no? These might be some of the realest words of wisdom ever to enter the space of language. Fuck Yes. Fuck No. Can you apply this to your own life, my sweet capricious hooved-one? I ask, because I know you have been walking around in what Manson terms, and what many seem to unfortunately know, as “the grey space,” that area in which nothing seems good enough, nor bad enough, simply a space of neutrality and middle-ground. Dare I say, really a space that is really not a space at all, but a forcefield built around one’s self to keep out the very real pain that comes with being vulnerable? No more grey space, Capricorn. This week, hell, all weeks, I want you only to live by Fuck Yes and Fuck No. You deserve the fullest, but the only one who will give it to you, is you. Say it with me now: Fuck Yes. Fuck yes.
Aquarius
January 20 to February 18
You more than likely do not know her, but if you know what’s best for you, you will soon enough. The Kikimora is a Slavic house spirit who often lives with the stones of the home, sometimes behind the stove, sometimes in the cellar. She is not to be feared, and often does quite the amount of helpful housework, tending to the chickens or sweeping dirty floors. Most people know her as the wife to The Domovoi, the male house spirit, but it’s best to respect her on her own individual terms, rather than just “the wife” of somebody. One can always tell when you have been visited by The Kikimora, as she leaves behind wet footprints, a sign of forever protecting, or forever staying. I don’t mean to speak ill of The Kikimora, rather, just to emphasize how important it is to keep her in good spirits as part of her efforts of helping out around the house. Now, those who are not so concerned with this? Well… what really makes The Kikimora a witch you don’t want to cross, is a lack of respect. If disrespected, she will go from helping you with the day-to-day chores, to breaking your favorite dishes and throwing all your things around, plucking your chickens and causing general disruptions in your sacred home space. Do not disrespect the Kikimora. You are smart beyond your years, Aquarius, but sometimes you tend to disrespect the more mundane aspects of what keeping a life means. It certainly isn’t intentional, but it doesn’t always cross your mind to be a little more aware of what it means to pay dues towards keeping things nice in your home. I’d advise you to pay a little more attention to The Kikimora that lives in your own cellar, the one who perhaps cleans up your spills you don’t see and does the dishes without you ever even realizing. She loves you deeply, and you certainly love her. But a little more respect never hurt anyone.
Pisces
February 19 to March 20
Oh, the words of Billy Collins always seem quite perfect, don’t they, Pisces? Take one of his poems from his quintessential book, The Trouble With Poetry:
I could feel the day offering itself to me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in the moment—but which moment? Not that one, or that one, or that one.
The trouble with us simple little human creatures, Pisces? We want so deeply to live in the moment — we beg for it. And yet… no moment ever seems like the one we intend to live in. It’s not about that “perfect moment.” It’s about choosing one and living the hell out of it. The perfect moment does not have to be swaddled in all things wonderful, nor all things amazing. No, it just has to be lived fully; sadness, anger, befuddlement, and all. Don’t wait for the next moment, my fishy friend. I implore you to take this moment right now, yes, this very one right here. Take it, like you would take the stars or the roast chicken on your dinner plate and exclaim, “This is mine, this is mine.” Eat it all up, let it envelop you completely. Make it yours.
Aries
March 21 to April 19
Stagnation can be a horrible fate, feeling much like cold dirt covered by the brittle, dead leaves. Nothing will grow in this, will it? But what is perceived as seasonal stagnation, is actually a gestation period, dear Aries. While the earth does seem dead and cold in the wintertime, it actually is making way for what is to come, a fate that can’t ever really be seen. It reminds me of the The Empress, the third Major Arcana card in traditional tarot deck. The Empress can often be found sitting on a throne, wearing her crown, and her scepter in one hand, always fully present. According to According to Arthur Edward Waite’s The Pictorial Key to the Tarot,
The Scepter is representative of her power over life, her crown has twelve stars representing her dominance over the year, and her throne is in the midst of a field of grain, representative of her dominion over growing things… a fruitful mother of thousands; she is above all things universal fecundity and the outer sense of the Word, the repository of all things nurturing and sustaining, and of feeding others.
I know the dirt seems still right now, dear Aries, but like The Empress, you are growing. The gestation never seems like an active moment, but I can see the ground underneath you preparing for the events to come, even as it is covered by the stillness of a dying season. Wait patiently while the cold ground and dead leaves do their thing, my dear one. You are about to grow faster and more quickly than you ever imagined possible.
Taurus
April 20 to May 20
Women all over the country hold a recipe for a chocolate cake that is not to be trifled with. This cake, unlike your standard chocolate cake, is softer, weightier, and much more chocolatey than any normal chocolate cake that comes in a box or even slaved over for hours in the finest Parisian kitchen. Is this cake made with flour that has been painstakingly sifted, sugar from the best reserves, chocolate that is rare and impossible to find? No, it is only set apart by one ingredient: Mayonnaise. Yes, ¾ of a cup of that thick, creamy, and certainly polarizing condiment is what makes the best of the best even better. I tell this recipe to folks looking to up their cooking game, often receiving looks of disgust afterwards, but Taurus, why not? Why is it that our most valued of treats cannot be complete without a substance that is less than delicious and seemingly out of place? Why is it that so many are skeptical of keeping the less than savory out of the final masterpiece? I hope you can see the barreling lesson I’m trying to communicate here. Perhaps you don’t need to be everything sweet and wonderful to be your full self. Perhaps you need to include the less than savory. It’s that part that tends to highlight everything else. Instead of leaving it out and making faces at its disgusting nature, why not include it in the end product? Why not let it be a part of what you are creating? Trust me, Taurus. Even the sweetest and best of delights include parts that make you shudder. It’s those parts that make it whole in the end.
Gemini
May 21 to June 20
Gemini, have you ever read Shelley Jackson’s Half Life? It is a story of an alternative history, the cosmic effect of a world in which an atomic bomb’s explosion has resulted in the predominant births of conjoined twins, so much so that the twins become a minority subculture known as “twofers.” Nora and Blanche are a pair of these twofers: Nora alive, thirsting for both love and independence, a fate she might be able to experience if it were not for her conjoined twin, Blanche. Now, Blanche, while conjoined, has not been active for twenty years, and hangs off Nora like a dead bird, in need of drool clean up every now and then. Nora is tired of carrying her sister’s dead weight. Who could blame her? She wants Blanche gone—or at least the thing that is named Blanche to be gone. She finally finds an organization that promises to make Nora Nora, and Blanche, well, whatever she needs to be. But Nora begins to notice strange occurrences, disturbing rattles inside her, but not of her. Blanche, it seems, is more a part of her than she ever imagined. Are you attempting a similar excommunication of your self this week, Gemini? It may feel as if that dead albatross of yourself is in fact, very dead, and in need of immediate removal, but you are forever a dual self, intended to exist as a pair. Perhaps that side is quiet for a reason, maybe even waiting its turn. This week, I need you to not be so quick to get rid of what feels stagnant, even unalive. Reach deep into your chest to see what it is that is quietly stirring, often too quiet to hear aloud. Do not chop off your nose to spite your face, or rather, do not chop off the quiet twin, to save the other. You need each other, rather you need Blanche to live on.
Cancer
June 21 to July 22
In the last few months of 1989, the Berlin Wall was slowly coming down, and that symbol of fascism and brutal regime was finally disappearing before the world’s eyes. West Germans and East Germans were reunited with their loved ones, good beer, and Western music that became available to desperate teens who had sourced it from the black market for years. With each drop of that concrete clunking onto the ground, it made a sound that seemed like the human spirit’s will to overcome. As happy as this time was, there was one woman who in fact, was not happy at all. In fact, she was appalled that the Germans could be so selfish. A sympathizer to East Germany? A woman who had benefitted from years of oppression? No, that would unfortunately be too easy. This woman, Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, had married the Berlin Wall, and was angry that Germans were destroying her husband. Berliner-Mauer said she had fallen in love with the wall after she saw it on TV at the age of seven, eventually visiting her wall multiple times, leading to a long-term courtship. In 1979, they officially tied the knot, and she continually testified that she and the Berlin Wall had a real relationship. It was later said that Berliner-Mauer identified as Objectum-Sexual, a facet of objectophilia, but it didn’t matter, since after the Wall’s death, she moved on to a garden post in her hometown. Cancer, it may seem easy to dismiss Berliner-Mauer as silly or even obtuse, but perhaps you can take a lesson from her. Perhaps you can see the outer limits of what “love” really means, even if it does not fit easily into what you tend to prescribe it as. I certainly don’t advocate for marrying the couch (though, if it is your wish, please, by all means), only to emphasize that world is often a more complicated place than we think it is. Instead of viewing things in the camps of good or bad, why not view it in “this love is between those who wish to love this way” and “this love is not.” Perhaps it will make love seem less constraining, or potentially so threatening if it happens outside the corridors of what you are comfortable seeing. Perhaps, it will make your own ways of loving grow.
Leo
July 23 to August 22
Leo, don’t you love words which offer no English translation? As the world has expanded and globalized, we often shed the languages that give us our meaning and significance to the wayside in the name of “better communication.” However, this homogenization tends to keep us from ever exploring what it means to speak in different tongues, to feel the emotions that come off a word, licking up the satisfaction that it entails. Even if English is the current best way to communicate, it doesn’t offer the complexity of moods and states of minds that can’t be defined down to one or two words. Take the Brazilian word “cafuné” The Brazilian Portuguese word means not one thing, but rather the act of ”tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.” I love how you can feel the affection in this word, as if when it escapes from your mouth, the touch of fingers to hair offers a little bit more of love into the world than before. This week, I want you to look not to English for what it is you feel, but to the words in which English wants to leave behind. We in the Western world want easy answers, straightforward communication, and that which describes whatever it is we want to one or two adjectives. But what good does that do to our souls? I beg of you, seek out a language that adds more love into the world. With all the English we have, it still fails to be as direct as it likes to think it is. Speak in tongues, dear Leo. Speak out of love.
Virgo
August 23 to September 22
“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love,” says poet Warsan Shire. I tend to completely agree, my dear, sweet Virgo. Sometimes we forget that not everyone can fully understand us, something I’ve personally found to be quite the painful lesson. But just because someone does not want to lay their lips down on you, or not quite love you the way your heart needs to be loved, I beg of you, do not ever stop being that terrifying, perplexing, and wondrous creature that you are. Frankly, I think it is better that not everyone can be granted the price of admission. I think it keeps you from wasting your time on those who may not understand the sweetness of your strangeness, a quality that I swear on my life, is very appreciated. I know it may sting when a potential love looks at you bewildered, or an acquaintance says something that makes you feel as if you will always and forever be alone. But have faith, dear Virgo. Your strangeness is the light that keeps you alive and makes you whole. It is not your fault so many have been taught not to love it.
Libra
September 23 to October 22
We all know the tall tales of Elizabeth Báthory, but do we know where the line of fact and fable breaks? Born in Nyírbátor, Hungary around 1560 or 1561 (a date which, like her life, many cannot confirm or deny), Báthory was a countess from the renowned Báthory family who were nobility in the latter-day Kingdom of Hungary. Báthory had been given every privilege, and was a beautiful, powerful, and educated woman who could read and write in multiple languages, pivoting her above most women, and even men, for her time. However, rumors begin spreading of Báthory’s practices, though they certainly couldn’t be true. Countess Báthory was, it seemed… a vampire. Historians like to make this seem as if this label was added to her growing legend after her death, a tactic of entertaining storytelling, but those who lived during her reign might have disagreed. Báthory might not have roamed the countryside, seeking out necks to feast upon, but for all her “good,” she was actually a sociopathic torturer, whose practices included drinking and bathing in the blood of young woman, a practice she believed would keep her youth. Yes, all the torture, all the pain, all the suffering and fear, and legend upon legend of woman done wrong all came from the simple quest of wanting to stay young. I don’t blame vanity, but I do blame a culture that insists women stay supple forever. However, it goes without saying, Libra, that you might want to settle your feelings with aging sooner than earlier. I certainly don’t think you will be slaying maidens, but the pressure to be forever young does do strange things to our heads. Make peace with that dying feeling inside you, letting it light the way, instead of draining you like a vampire.
ADVISEMENT FOR ALL THE SIGNS THIS WEEK: The moon is making her magic today, as Scorpio brings a new moon solar eclipse. Now is the time to awake your sleepy self and try again on those pursuits you may have left behind. You don’t need to turn over a new leaf, only to realize that the moon, in all her never-ending glory, is on your side, a trait she rarely shows (I mean, she is the moon, she has got better things to do, right?). Show your appreciation for this gift of a fresh start for the week to come. Howl at her, give her praise, show her the tips of your fingers as you stretch higher and higher, offering her all your thanks.