While eBay has taken a chunk of the swap meet action, it’s still one of my favorite parts of the car show. If you go to a swap meet, here’s some of the people you can expect to meet.
1. The Cheap Tools Guy
We’ve all seen his tent festooned with bright banners, and he’s got a boxcar full of tools straight outta Bejing. Lately he has branched out into air compressors, and power tools too. His prices are about 40 percent of what you’d pay at most stores. Sure, he’s cheap, but if you’ve ever bought from him, you know his stuff breaks and you’ll probably never see him again, making that lifetime warranty about as good as a campaign promise.
2. The Coin-Op Guy
He’s got Coke machines, a couple of jukeboxes, a slot machine, an old dial-a-pressure air pump, an old red Lance yank-knob snack machine. You’re tempted, but the Coke machines are big and heavy and kind of expensive, and you’ve already got a spare refrigerator in your man cave, so you move on, hoping someday to return.
3. The Junk Parts Guy
Finally somebody with car parts, but it’s all junk: a cracked speedo for a 19’52 Ford, a pitted Cal Custom shifter handle, the world’s ugliest fiberglass dune buggy body, some old Delco distributor that’s missing parts. He’s got boxes of stuff, but it’s all similarly useless. This guy did really good selling a few parts back when he was a teenager, and he has never forgot it. He has accumulated way too much stuff over the years, ever hopeful to repeat that one good week he had in 1963. But he never will.
4. The Guy With Eclectic Stuff
This guy’s got very interesting stuff: an old style racing helmet with an old Yenko sticker, a vintage dealership merchandising stand showing old radios, a Honda Trail 70, a box of Kodak flash cubes, a toy plastic 1969 Mach 1 molded in hot pink and never out of the box, unused pocket protectors from a long-gone Ford dealership in Ames, Iowa, some race posters promoting the upcoming 1967 season at Stardust Raceway. Cool, yeah, but what are you really going to do with it? You move on and meet . . .
5. The Hustler
His name is probably Dave and he’s got a double space loaded with good stuff: Shakers, spoilers, 1971’Cuda cheese-grater grilles, factory eight-track players, N.O.S. taillights, Posi differentials, rare wheels, complete four-speed conversions, optional steering wheels and valve covers. Dave is irritating just to look at, with his trendy haircut, creased shorts, flashy jewelry, and manicure. You know that behind his name-brand wraparound shades he is looking past you. And the guy is wearing cologne. Cologne, at a swap meet! You look at a Shaker hoodscoop he’s got, but it’s too pricey and he won’t dicker. Naturally. Everything you ask about he describes as rare and valuable. Everything of yours you offer in trade he says isn’t worth much. Every deal he suggests tilts heavily in his favor. You bid him have a nice day. Silence.
6. The What’s-This-Guy-Doing-Here Guy
He’s got old carved-leg chairs like your grandmother might have inherited, paintings of sailing ships, a wall-sized mirror in a big, tacky gold frame, buckle galoshes, a fireplace toolset, old hand-pump mosquito sprayers, cast iron skillets, a pogo stick, a toboggan, rowboat oars with a sticker from some sporting goods store in a Minnesota town you’ve never heard of. What’s this guy doing here?
7. The Old Bicycle Guy
This stops you in your tracks. Along with lesser bikes, he’s got a 1969 Schwinn Lemon Peeler with original yellow grips and accessory streamers, a silver Mattel Stallion, a Murray Eliminator, a Raleigh Chopper, and two V-RROOM bicycle engines in the box. He’s got a 20-inch Stingray with a tall sissy bar, and much more, and this is just his for-sale stuff. The really good stuff is back at home. Wow.
8. The Scammer
This guy’s got lots of good N.O.S. parts displayed atop their boxes, but you notice that when he makes a sale, it’s only the parts, not the boxes. The boxes stay on his table, and as soon as he sells one part, he reaches under the table and pulls out another and sets it on the old box. The box is N.O.S. but the parts aren’t. For shame.
9. The Joker
You inquire about a nice vintage tach he claims is OE Pontiac. You’re skeptical; it has no Pontiac logo or GM numbers. He responds with absurd explanations like, “Pontiac made these unmarked tachs for just a few months that year when their numbering machine broke,” or, “Pontiac knew that they made the best tachs in the business, and if you couldn’t tell their quality without the logo, then you didn’t need to buy it anyway.” Oh brother. At least you know it’s futile to argue with a knucklehead.
10. The Guy Cleaning Out His Garage
You’ve endured the above, now you’re ready for this guy. He’s got a lot: an aluminum dual-quad 409 intake, Pontiac eight-lug wheels, several Shelby parts catalogs, a heavy, 1950s Snap-on tool chest, a console for a 1966 7-Litre Galaxie, a GTO Tri-power setup with A/C breathers, several Hurst shifters, a stack of showroom brochures he used to stare longingly at in study hall. His display is humble, but so are his prices. His stuff has been riding the rafters in his garage for years, and he decided that five decades is long enough. Time to move it along. You hoped you’d find this guy. He’s easy to work with and he’s here to sell. You each go home happy. Good thing you got that extra cash at the ATM.