If you’re like me, the idea of a bunch of legendary screen action heroes converging in one film is an exciting prospect. But, if you’re like me, you also never got around to seeing anything but the first third of that film’s sequel. I’m not going to lie: I know The Expendables films are probably not very good — neither the first nor the second — but there’s something inside me that makes me feel I’ve turned my back on the action stars of my youth by not seeing them. So with the upcoming Expendables 3 (which I probably also won’t see) opening this summer, and all its stars yukking it up everywhere from late night television to the Cannes Film Festival, let’s rank the action importance of the film’s cast based on past exploits, shall we?
13. Ronda Rousey/Randy Couture
The MMA contingent of the Expendables cast will share thirteenth billing in this exercise, not because they’re both not terribly frightening real-life fighters (they are), but because between them the biggest non-Expendables endeavor on the list so far has been Couture as “Priority Plus Driver” on an episode of King of Queens. It’s also Rousey’s first movie — but don’t worry, she’s also currently in post-production on Fast & the Furious 7 and the Entourage movie, so she’s Oscar bound soon enough.
Action Factor: (Real Life) 8, (Film) 2
12. Kelsey Grammer
Look out, bad guys! It’s Frasier Crane! The only reason Kelsey Grammer has a leg up on mixed martial arts fighters on this list is because he’s actually made movies, and once even shared billing with Robert De Niro. On the downside, he made Down Periscope, but on the upside he was Beast in a couple of X-Men movies, and that’s credible action. I haven’t seen the movie, but my guess is that Grammer’s finishing move is divorcing someone to death.
Action Factor: 3.5
11. Kellan Lutz
It’s a constant source of annoyance to me that Twilight saga heartthrob Kellan Lutz and I share such similar-looking head shots, but Lutz appears on the list fresh off of his own action flop The Legend of Hercules which, while critically panned, is an honest-to-god action movie with Lutz as Hercules, so he at least knows how to run and jump and stab things. Probably.
Action Factor: 5
10. Terry Crews
Terry Crews like a cartoon parody of a human being: a gigantic muscleman best known for the absurdist Old Spice ads, a legitimate feature role in Fox’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine and a scene or two in Terminator: Salvation. I’m putting him above Kellan Lutz, incidentally, because I personally like him better. Also, this is my list. Put whoever you want on yours. Dude is ripped. If this were the 80′s and a lot of hardcore Predator and Commando-style movies were still being churned out, there’s absolutely no doubt Crews would have had a gigantic career. He was born in the wrong time, but he’s having fun with the genre now.
Action Factor: 4
9. Dolph Lundgren
All you need to know about Dolph Lundgren is that he was Ivan Drago, one of the greatest villains in the history of 1980′s cinema, in Rocky IV. He also starred in Universal Soldier and a ton of action movies you’ve never heard of. Movies with titles like Agent Red and Direct Contact and Silent Trigger as characters with names like “Sgt. Frank Gannon” and “Major Jack Hollaway” and “Max Gatling.” He absolutely belongs in an exercise like The Expendables.
Action Factor: 6
8. Antonio Banderas
When his name is brought up, Antonio Banderas is likely not thought of immediately as a dyed-in-the-cloth action star because he’s far less remembered for his action movies like Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever and Once Upon a Time in Mexico and generally more known for Puss in Boots and Spy Kids. But don’t forget he made Zorro stomachable and I’ll fight anyone who wants to argue me about the merits of Desperado. Seriously. Don’t even.
Action Factor: 6.9
7. Wesley Snipes
Wesley Snipes is excited to be a part of the Expendables primarily because it means he’s not in prison any more, but he has the pedigree to be included in a cast like this. I mean, c’mon; Blade, Demolition Man, Rising Passenger 57. Even Nino Brown’s worst movies were minor action successes: Murder at 1600, The Art of War. Snipes is pretty tough; I just hope that Lionsgate made sure he turned in his W-9 form.
Action Factor: 7.1
6. Jason Statham
If we’re being totally honest, Jason Statham is the one person on this list still actively making movies in the the exact genre for which the rest of the Expendables cast is famous. The Crank and Transporter movies are direct descendants of the explosion-heavy cinema of the 80′s and Statham has made a name for himself via these movies in the same way Schwarzenegger and Stallone did with their own. Plus, if you want to know how many action movies Jason Statham has actually made, take a guess and then multiply it by nine. He’s made a lot of movies in a few years. So he’s earned this.
Action Factor: 7.5
5. Jet Li
Jet Li is this high up on the list because he’s made a lot of tremendously exciting movies for US studios (Romeo Must Die, The One, Black Mask) but he’s made some seriously wicked movies for Asian studios. You’ve probably seen Hero, which is fantastic, but his resume also boasts bad-ass titles like Fist of Legend and Legend of the Red Dragon and Dragon Fight. Always fun to watch and a real deal from the Far East.
Action Factor: 7.8
4. Harrison Ford
Harrison Ford has made some decent action movies like Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger and Blade Runner, (so sue me, I found Blade Runner to be just okay), but he’s made some of the best action movies ever as Indiana Jones and Han Solo. Rarely has an actor been the name behind two such gigantic characters, but Harrison Ford — as crotchety and stoned as he seems these days — has turned out some of the most exciting movies of the last forty years. Fact. Action hero. Fact.
Action Factor: 8
3. Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone has made some great action films (First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III, Cliffhanger) and some not-so-great ones too (Lock Up, Judge Dredd, Cobra and the silly though beloved Tango & Cash); but what Sly has going for him is that for a very, very long time his image — or more specifically the image of John Rambo – was the archetypical image of the action hero in every single parody made: red headband, bare chest, massive gun. In many ways First Blood helped to establish the rules of the entire genre itself, so give Stallone that credit.
Action Factor: 8.8
2. Mel Gibson
Is it controversial to give Mel the slot above Stallone? Maybe, but hear me out: Mel Gibson’s action movies are traditionally far, far better than Sly’s. In fact, the case could really be made that Mel could be number one on this list. Look at his filmography: Mad Max, Braveheart, the phenomenal Lethal Weapon franchise. He balanced humor with action (see: Maverick) better than anyone on this list; even his Hamlet was an ass-kicker. He’s fallen from grace of late but let’s call a spade a spade: Mel Gibson made some damn fine action movies. Damn fine.
Action Factor: 9.7
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
You knew it was going to come to this. You always knew. Of course the Austrian Oak was Conan the Barbarian and The Terminator but even his terrible movies — Red Heat, Raw Deal, Commando, Eraser — were fun to watch. Predator is still a classic, Total Recall remains a cult favorite and, honestly, Kindergarten Cop still holds up as an action comedy. There really wasn’t anyone better than Arnie, chomping a cigar as he laid waste to a camp of jungle revolutionaries, for the job. Though his current comeback attempt isn’t quite working, you can’t begrudge his CV. For his time and place, he was the king of the hill.
Action Factor: 10