all great Love Actually quotes
[after walking into 10 Downing Street for the first time and falling in love with a member of the domestic staff]
Prime Minister: Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.
[to the Prime Minister, after a fruitless day of failed negotiations between Britain and America]
The President: I'll give you anything you ask for – as long as it's not something I don't want to give.
Daniel: I'm afraid that there's somethin' really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen: At the age of eleven?
Daniel: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
Prime Minister: I'd like to go to Wandsworth; the dodgy end.
PM's chauffeur, Terry: Very good, sir.
[they drive to Wandsworth]
PM's chauffeur, Terry: Harris Street. What number, sir?
Prime Minister: Oh, God. It's the longest street in the world, and I have absolutely no idea.
[the Prime Minister is knocking on doors to find Natalie]
Harris Street old lady: Aren't you the Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: Yes, in fact, I am. Merry Christmas.
Harris Street old lady: Oh…!
Prime Minister: Part of the service, now. Trying to get round to everyone by New Year's Eve.
[to a portrait of Margaret Thatcher]
Prime Minister: *You* have this kind of problem? Yeah… of course you did, you saucy minx!
Prime Minister: I'm not sure that politics and dating really go together.
The President: Really? I never found that.
Prime Minister: Yeah, well, the difference is you're still sickeningly handsome, whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.
John: So, what do you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then?
Judy: Oh, I like him. I can't understand why he's not married, though.
John: Well, you know the type. He's, uh, married to his job. Either that, or gay as a picnic basket.
[Rufus places the necklace box in a cellophane bag, opening one drawer and another, scooping amounts of small roses and lavender in the bag. He then pulls out a four-inch cinnamon stick]
Harry: What's that?
Rufus: It's a cinnamon stick, sir.
Harry: Actually, I really, uh, can't wait.
Rufus: Oh, you won't regret it, sir.
Harry: Wanna bet?
[he ties it around the bag with a piece of string]
Rufus: 'Tis but the work of a moment. There we go. Almost finished.
Harry: [sarcastically] Almost finished? What else can there be? Are you gonna dip it in yogurt? Cover it with Chocolate Buttons?
[the new Prime Minister has just arrived in Number Ten Downing Street]
Annie: Would you like to meet your household staff?
Prime Minister: Yes, I would like that very much, indeed. Anything to put off actually running the country.
Billy Mack: I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.
Joe: Well, Bill…
Billy Mack: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.
[in the record studio, Billy breaks off singing "Christmas Is All Around"]
Billy Mack: This is shit, isn't it?
Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
Billy Mack: Let's get pissed and watch porn.
Colin: [after insulting the food] And what do you do Nancy?
Nancy the caterer: I'm a cook.
Colin: Ever do weddings?
Nancy the caterer: Yes I do.
Colin: They should have asked you to do this one.
Nancy the caterer: They did.
Colin: God I wish you hadn't turned it down.
Nancy the caterer: I didn't.
[having just sung the words "Love is all around me" instead of "Christmas is all around me" yet again]
Billy Mack: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
[at his wife's funeral]
Daniel: When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine… "
Colin: Exciting news!
Tony: What?
Colin: I've bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks.
Tony: No!
Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
Tony: No!
Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo hoo!
Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're already going out with rich, attractive guys.
Colin: Nah, Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.
Tony: That is total bollocks. You've actually gone mad, now.
Colin: No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.
Tony: No, Colin, no!
Colin: Yes!
Tony: Nyet!
Colin: Da!
Tony: Nein!
Colin: Ja, darling!
Karen: Mia's very pretty.
Harry: [nonchalantly but unconvincingly] Is she?
Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
Karen: The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is, it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier maché lobster head.
Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!
Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?
Daniel: Uh-huh.
Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!
Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.
Daniel: [knocks on Sam's door] Sam, time for dinner.
Sam: I'm not hungry.
Daniel: Sam… I've done chicken kebabs!
Sam: Look at the sign on the door.
[he starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and looks at the sign, which says, "I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY"]
Daniel: Right.
Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but… the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam: There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.
[holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.
Mia: I don't want something I need. I want something I want – something pretty.
[In the airport, Daniel, Carol, Sam, and Carol's son are waiting. Joanna appears at the gate]
Sam: There she is!
[he runs to her]
Joanna Anderson: Hi!
[Sam wants to kiss her, but holds back]
Sam: Hello.
Daniel: [watching] Agh! He should have kissed her…
Carol: No, that's cool.
Daniel: And her name's Joanna?
Sam: Yeah, I know, just like Mum. Spooky.
Daniel: Well, in one way then, we're in luck. At least we still have the god-like genius of Scott Walker.
[he puts Scott Walker's "Joanna" on the stereo, and they lip-sync to it]
Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think the new record compares to your old classic stuff?
Billy Mack: Oh come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap.
[laughs]
Billy Mack: But wouldn't it be great if Number One this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters, come Christmas Day… they'll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls, and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you're referring to 'If you really love Christmas… '
Billy Mack: 'Come on and let it snow…?' Ouch!
Mikey, DJ interviewer: So, uh, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas Number One, 'Christmas Is All Around.' Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?
Rufus: [gift wrapping a gold necklace] Let me just pop it in the box. There.
Harry: Look, can we be quite quick?
Rufus: Certainly sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes!
[he ties a ribbon around it]
Rufus: There.
Harry: That's great.
Rufus: Not quite finished…
Harry: [Rufus pulls out a plastic bag] Actually, I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.
Rufus: Oh this isn't a bag, sir.
Harry: Really?
Rufus: This is SO much more than a bag…
Mia: [the Prime Minister has knocked on Mia's door looking for Natalie] You're not who I think you are, are you?
Prime Minister: Yes, I'm afraid I am. And I'm sorry for all the cock-ups, my cabinet are absolute crap. We'll have to do better next year.
Jamie: I'm so late.
Jamie's Girlfriend: It's just 'round the corner, you'll make it.
Jamie: Are you sure you don't mind me going without you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: No, really, I'm just feeling so rotten.
Jamie: I love you.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know.
Jamie: I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.
Jamie's Girlfriend: I know. Now go or you will actually miss it.
Jamie: Right. Did I mention that I love you?
Jamie's Girlfriend: Yes you did. Get out, loser!
Jamie: "Grandi," uh… grande familio. Grande traditsione- The Christmas presents. Stupido.
Jamie: Er… Would you like the last, uh…?
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Thank you very much, but no.
Jamie: No?
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] If you saw my sister, you'd understand why.
Jamie: That's all right, more for me.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] Just don't go eating it all yourself, you're getting chubbier every day.
Jamie: I'm very lucky, I've got one of those constitutions where I never put on weight.
Sophia Barros: [in Portuguese] Oh God – Say 'yes' you skinny moron!