“Through It All"
by Brian D. Boone © 2010
Introduction
The following story is a true portrayal of my life since 1996. It is being written to give you a sense of the actual experiences, job changes, relational challenges, etc. that a person diagnosed with Bipolar might go through, at least share some of the experiences I had. The more reflection that I give to the years of my life since 1996, it is clear that the most important revelations and changes that have begun and continue to develop in me relate to my character, which can be a struggle, the changing of my thoughts and deepening of my relationships with people. The impact of numerous relationships, which include my wife, mother, doctor, friends, counselors, employers, co-workers,etc., continue to help me survive and grow during this challenging time. So, this is written to each one who has impacted my life along the way. It’s also being written in an attempt to help anyone who might experience Bipolar or any challenge, for that matter, in life. This is my attempt at explaining the journey traveled to get to the point where I am today…and hopefully you will learn through my experience the value and potential in your life…you can push through…develop into a stronger and better person than you are today, and God will see you through! Now it may take you through many peaks and valleys before you see the benefit of the journey, and just when you think you have “arrived” there may be a “set-back” but believe me, from my experience, I can tell you first hand that you can get past all the negative thoughts, and leave the junk behind. There is hope. There is help. There is a God who cares. And He will see you through…please don’t give up…He never will give up on you!
Moving On
Sometimes for us to see that it’s time to move on, circumstances propel us forward…or get our attention when we least expect it or aren’t even looking for “change” to occur. For me that “move on” experience began in May 1996 at a time when I thought I was at my “peak” in a career in the field of utility locating. The company provided me with a company car, cell phone, and salary…but I started feeling there must be more…and my thoughts were, I wanted to be more of an influence in the company, my current position was getting monotonous and I thought that I had the answer. It was basically overnight (a very “manic moment” if anyone out there understands what that is like, lots of rapid thought) that the decision was made to write out a four page proposal and offer it to management of the company…which I did…only to find resentment and objection by my immediate manager to such a strong initiative as to offer myself as a partial solution to improve the company culture. At the time it was my feeling that employees (a company’s most valuable asset) were not being given proper recognition and that I could help change that, as well as morale, production, and company culture. It was considered a “gutsy” proposal by the owner of the company and “arrogant” by my immediate manager. I was rocking the boat and those in authority over me wanted my head pushed down under the water and drowned! I was acting very “out of character” from the mild mannered, easy going, soft spoken man I normally was typically. I was being decisive!
Little by little it was made clear to me by the actions taken by management that they wanted me out. After the feeling of abandonment over took me and loss of trust, obligingly my resignation was turned in. What had seemed like a “logical” decision and bold offer when it was made, led to the beginning of a journey that has had many “ups and downs” over the past several years, but little by little, with God’s help, I believe that it is leading me to a more stable and positive place of growth and strength and realizing who I am. There have been and continue to be trials, tests, and frustrations to face, although the degree and how I handle them has changed immensely. I am learning that I can choose how I will react to any given situation, thought, or emotion…sometimes I’m successful and other times I have to be thankful that God pours out His grace when we mess up. November 1996 was the beginning of some of the more depressing things happening in my life and not knowing exactly how to bear it, like the passing of my father, then being in an accident and being rear-ended…the roller coaster journey was starting and I had no clue what I would be in for.
As my career changed from a “known” field of six years in utility locating to an unknown field of “sales”…something happened…new ideas were introduced to me.
Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) was introduced to me as a way to advance myself…whether or not I stayed with this new company…we were encouraged to make PMA a permanent part of our life. The foundation was being laid through the books, tapes, and classroom instruction regarding the impact a positive mental attitude would begin to make, but I was overcoming 35 years of “less-than-positive” thinking. It would take a few more years to realize that my wife or my work situation or whatever circumstance I was facing wasn’t the problem…I was…or at least I had the ability to choose my reaction to the circumstance. (There are a few times that I look back now, I wish I had remembered this lesson a little quicker) So, after leaving PMA training I ventured into “commission sales” with my new company selling accident insurance door to door across the state of North Carolina. As anyone knows that is in sales, it can be “boom” or “bust” depending on your abilities, confidence, and persistence. I struggled for six months doing what I knew to do until realizing that I didn’t believe in door to door insurance sales, at least, not for me. It was time to “move on” again. (Again, part of the mania, but I really didn’t get diagnosed “Bipolar” until 1998…so I didn’t really know all of these changes had to do with chemical imbalance in my brain…I was just being my indecisive self !?) So, the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays would be celebrated in the midst of learning a new career.
This time I decided it made sense to sell something where the customer comes to me, so it was that my new career was begun in selling cars at. I reasoned that it would be easier since the customer was coming to me?! Fortunately for me this move was a good one for at least one reason…a support team of friends was already in place at this dealership, that I personally knew, both my immediate manager and the general manager. They encouraged and helped me to begin to have confidence in myself little by little as the assistance received almost daily spurred me on. (Thanks, Lance, you had no idea how much I needed someone with your integrity, people skills, and personality…especially as I was learning the car business…wow, what a place for someone with a ‘mood disorder’ to be working…what a challenge…but I did it) I did start to do better at the dealership than I had in my previous sales job, but by now the six months of the door to door insurance sales had allowed me to beat myself up emotionally, so it took time to reestablish my confidence, lots of time and each day was a new challenge.
For another half a year, car sales was my career choice and I devoted myself to it, with everything that I had…and usually I had to mentally struggle to get myself to work, but once there I did fairly well selling an average of three to four cars per week. So, somewhere inside of me I realized that I had a natural ability with people (I’m definitely a “people person”) but also in time I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do on an ongoing basis (or so I thought at the time). Some days I could barely pull myself out of bed because I was so depressed at the thought of facing another negative customer and then would get to work, have a sale and be on top of the world for the remainder of “that” day…but the next day it would start all over again. By the time I got to the car dealership my emotions were so “roller coaster” that my wife and I thought it would be best for me to get some counseling to get a better handle on it, which I did. For a short period I would go once a week for about 30 minutes and it helped to “talk out” my feelings and “get a grip” on reality. But this particular therapist thought that any mania or depression type of activity in me was actually “learned behavior” because of having a father and brother with the Bipolar diagnosis, and being around them. Perhaps some of that was true, but later we would find out that…nope…I got it…like it or not…it was there to be dealt with (but it can be…there are many positive things that can be done including prayer, meds, group therapy, individual therapy, plus it helped me to work and read books, listen to music, you get the idea.)
It was during this phase of my life that I decided it would be beneficial to me to make another career move back into the known field of utility locating. (Yes, the yo-yo was moving again…) I remember the day the “Yellow Pages” were opened to Underground Utility Locating and I called EVERY company in the listing to inquire if they were hiring or not. Of the five or six companies that I called in June 1997, one of them needed a manager since they had just lost one in May. It would take a couple more weeks of waiting before a one on one interview would be scheduled and would be flown to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to meet the Owner and Vice President of Operations.
Unknown to me at the time of the interview, but later revealed was that one of the attractive qualities the owner was looking for in addition to my knowledge and experience in the field of utility locating, was my one year experience in sales!!! He wanted someone to promote the business and get more work coming in. The very thing that I had dreaded and wouldn’t have experienced if not booted out of my old utility locating job (due to the manic experience there)…led to a new, exciting, and meaningful job with better benefits, insurance, and salary.
What stands out the most in my mind, from meeting the owner of the company is his eye to eye discussions and “gentleman’s handshake” agreements. It was a reminder of earlier training (both in insurance and car sales) the importance of looking someone in the eye and shaking their hand. I knew that Ed and I would work well together. I liked him. I trusted him. And he was more than fair to me. He also had a top notch “right hand man” helping him to run the company who would be my immediate contact, along with quality people like the current Director of Operations.
I flew back to Charlotte, North Carolina a new man that day…a burden had been lifted. It wasn’t over night, but day by day and week by week my confidence grew even stronger than it had been before. My wife was very instrumental in helping me realize that I could do this and helped encourage me forward. “Sales” would continue to be somewhat of a “challenge” to me as I went through the next seven years, but I was truly enjoying the work as manager and being in a position of leadership and responsibility.
The first two years 1997 through 1999 went fairly smoothly. Toward the end of 1999 I was on a mission trip out of the country to Israel and the leader of the group let me know, in a gentle way, that I seemed to be “overly emotional”. Upon my return home I saw a doctor and for the first time in my life a prescription was given to me to take one tablet every day to keep my emotions from going “over the edge”. In spite of what seemed to me to be a negative situation (no one ever wants to feel “out of control” emotionally or in any way) the job was helping me to maintain myself…and it flourished during this time. It must be said that my wife spent a lot of time praying for me during this period in my life which also played a huge part in my stability and she has always prayed for me, even in times when I wasn’t acting exactly perfect. The combination of God, wife, familiar job, family, church, and prayer (not necessarily in that order) certainly led to my life beginning to “level out”. Things went very well for me personally for the next few years, and the company continued on a steady upward slope until 2001…that was the beginning of an economic slow down for the company. This was also the first time the company ever considered a downsizing due to lack of sales growth for that year.
When a person is faced with the possibility of losing a job, deep contemplation begins. I started feeling the rumblings for change, but felt that I needed NOT to panic or be upset or frustrated…I needed to know that God was in control of my future, but that I may need to make a choice and take some action, but perhaps not yet.
Our final year passed when the company, SoftDig, finally pulled out of the Carolinas in May 2004 and I felt drawn to join CARMAX in June 2004, where I was employed for 1 ½ years. I had some “up and down” moments at this dealership, because even though they had a formula, a routine, a way of selling cars, it still was “selling cars” and “people are people”…some are fickle and some are great. During the CarMax years my wife went out of town on a trip to Spain with our church choir, I remember that being a very manic week…she wasn’t there to influence me in any way and I did some stupid things that week. It’s hard to explain the BP unless you’ve been through the cycle yourself, but basically it can give you such a feeling of euphoria, that you have such confidence to do just about anything you want to do…spending money…traveling…being more decisive when you’re normally quiet…just a change of your “normal” thoughts and routine. (But I would like to emphasize that it can be controlled with medication and therapy and prayer.)
Toward the end of my year and a half with the dealership I began feeling the urge to “make more money” which led me to leave…one more time…and ironically I applied and joined American Republic Insurance Company…that’s right….back into insurance once again! I never thought when I left after the first time in the industry that I would return, but I did…eight months I worked with this company but didn’t feel like I received the support, encouragement, or money which led me to my “move on” decision to join ASSURECOR, which seemed like the best move I had made since leaving SoftDig of North Carolina.
The time that I spent working with the insurance brokers was one of what seemed to be a better atmosphere with some encouragement…such as the “little things” the owner did like buying lunch on Mondays for several weeks after I started with the company or paying for car washes on Fridays, which seemed to show me a little more care and consideration than my previous employer had shown. I continued to struggle some with sales and yet I had sales EVERY week! God is faithful. The strength of my life during this whole ordeal has been my continued belief that God will “never leave me nor forsake me” and that He has a plan for my life. (Unfortunately, I’m finding that there have been times in my life that I stepped away from HIM, it’s not that He left me…what was I thinking?????) I have believed for most of my life that I’m in the center of His will, it’s just that sometimes I would like Him to move faster or perhaps do things “for me” that He intends for me to do for myself. Some of the sales meetings would touch on some of the important things to keep in mind such as a positive ATTITUDE, BELIEF in yourself and your product, and CONFIDENCE. Now fast forward to 2011 and I’m beginning to realize what I knew in my 20’s…the ONLY thing that is important is my relationship to God. Without Him I have no strength, no reason to go on, but with Him there is life, joy, peace, and I’m not just “preaching” here…this is a reality that I personally have found to be true. I don’t think I’ll ever “arrive” to be 100% perfect on this earth but as long as I’m continually learning of God’s ways that’s “good enough” for me!
I need to insert that in addition to my PMA training in 1996, later in 1999 my wife and I started consuming positive self help books, tapes, and seminars through the Corporation which gave us additional training in dealing with people…which also helped us to deal with one another. (Well, I thought it did…but we did revert to some old learned behaviors at times, which defeated the training…but then…we too are human). To this day we continue to work on the area of communicating effectively with each other, but it has definitely helped us grow as people. (You can never get tooooo much positive reinforcement whether from books, tapes, seminars, therapists, counselors, friends, or whatever the source).
When you add my biblical beliefs with positive thinking it eventually led me to believe I COULD do more, be more, was worth more…than what I had thought previously. Additionally I experienced a “Dale Carnegie Course” in 2003 which helped to propel me further in my belief that one day I would have my own company and be able to motivate and encourage people. You see, it is my hearts desire to effectively touch people’s lives in a positive way and help them see their worth and potential. The struggle of my life has been having the confidence to do the things I know I’m meant to do. I have had to work in times of depression, and mania, as my diagnosis of “bipolar” a few years back has tried to hold me back…but I’m not giving up…and I’m not stopping…I’m moving on. I have found that I am as “normal” as the next guy (as long as I take my ‘pill’ every day) and function as well, today, as I ever have in my life, it’s just that I happen to have this thing, this ailment, that must be medicated…no different than if someone has a physical issue of some sort…heart, lung, cancer, whatever…that they must get treatment for.
For a long, long time I did NOT know what my heart’s desire was…I was clueless…but the more I learned and the more I read and mixed it with positive action…the closer I got to realizing what it was that was driving me. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to be a leader, an encourager, a motivator, someone that people come to when they need inspiration…a friend.
Interwoven throughout each of these experiences over the past 12 plus years is mania and depression, but with proper diagnosis, medication, good friends, good therapists, peer groups, prayer, a good church, a loving spouse and the variety of things that I personally believe it takes to make one balanced, especially when diagnosed with bipolar , you can live a healthy and “normal” life.
It may not happen over-night, but positive change is absolutely possible.
You are every bit as valuable a human being as me, God created each of us.
And He can use anyone who is available and puts His principles to practice.
I strive each day to live a life that is positive and centered on others…it’s an ongoing challenge…I
encourage you to do the same, it can have an awesome impact on your life!
Brian D. Boone
Fort Mill, SC 29707
NOTE: On May 3, 2007 (notice how many times things happen for me in May/June/July!!!) a door opened at a new opportunity giving me the chance to be an “Income Property Specialist” with Convergent Acquisitions and Development. The experience of working there was awesome as I worked with intelligent, positive, personality plus people that worked with a “can do” attitude and get the job done performance! Although I planned for this to be my final move, there was to be a twist in my journey.
After being laid off November 2007 (due to the mortgage industry mess) from the above organization and surviving four months of unemployment, I began work at “National Write Your Congressman, Inc.” where I felt God was teaching me total dependence on him (yes, it’s a commission job) and each day is a new beginning!!! I met the minimum sales goal that would permit me to fly to Dallas, Texas (headquarters) but on the very week that I was to leave I had a VERY MANIC episode…it was a day I will never forget (May 11, 2008) for many reasons. I woke up in the middle of the night and was “out of it” (we later learned my medication had become toxic to me, I had taken too much of it over an extended period of time). I was aggressive toward my wife (which I am normally not that way). I’m thankful to say I got the help I needed (if we hadn’t been so tight on money I would have gone to the doctor regularly and had my blood drawn to know I had tooooo much medicine in my system, but we didn’t know). God continues to heal those memories, and finally I have permanent employment as I ended my work with National Write Your Congressman after this “incident” to get away from “commission only” sales type of work. I am learning that whatsoever state I find myself in, to be content…I now enjoy my position as a Security Manager for a Retirement Community, …there IS hope…there is HELP…and if you ever need someone to talk to about YOUR situation…let me know. The latest chapter in my life is God teaching me about forgiveness, love, and what it takes to really appreciate my wife. She has been there for me time and time again. I just can’t tell you what she’s been through in the past 25 years with me (to date)(Anniversary 6-6-1987). It takes a lot to describe some of these experiences, but I’ve had them. I’ve lived them. I know what BP can be like. And my wife can attest to how it affects family! Yet, THROUGH IT ALL, we have learned to trust in Jesus, we have drawn closer to each other. Our relationship could have ended in divorce, but is growing stronger through Christ. I recommend getting to know Him and have Him as foundation for your LIFE, oh, what a difference He makes!
P.S. Please feel free to contact me anytime with any comments, questions, or responses. I really would like to hear from you, even if all you want is a listening ear.
Thank you for your time in reading this story about my life, hopefully it has had a positive impact on you.
In the midst of any and every storm in my life there has always been an assurance that God IS keeping me and helping me to make it one more day…He is my source of strength no matter what the circumstance I face.
“With the right beliefs, the right mind set, the right choices, and the right actions…yes, you can…positively change!” ———Brian D. Boone
“There is no education like adversity” —Benjamin Disareli
“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant” - Robert Louis Stevenson