This is not a post, its more like a NOVEL! Its very very long and the things I talk about are way more common than you might think!!! And don’t hesitate to comment, your feedback is wanted, welcomed and appreciated!
I’m going to share some very personal stuff that I do not like people to know.
I’ve done this in the past and I was horrified after I did it. Believe it or not I’m actually a very private person. Aside from my wife, our son, and my dad, not too many people get see behind the curtain.
I have written a lot of personal things and I have made them public and that’s a very scary thing to do. Why? Because some people say, wow thank you! Others say nothing and just quietly judge and criticize.
Because to so many people there is an expectation of what kind of info you share publicly and what kind you do not.
And a lot of information I share is extremely personal, and I do that for me more than anything. I’m horrified to be vulnerable, and there’s very good reasoning behind why I’m horrified to be vulnerable but that’s not what I’m going to write about.
I was 12 years old when I first thought of killing myself. I didn’t know how I would do it, I just knew I probably would one day. I never expected to live past 18, and I lived my life that way. If not for the love my father had for me I would not be here.
I can talk about this stuff now!! Once upon a time I was a timid kid with an extremely low self esteem that walked around with his head down all the time. I was afraid to talk to other people and I certainly couldn’t talk about this stuff.
Then I fell in love with alcohol, it set me free and allowed me to talk to people. I opened up and people actually liked me. And I liked the way I felt when I drank. So I had a long love affair with alcohol that I ended over a year and a half ago.
But that’s not what I want to write about.
When I was 17 years old all my pain was at the surface and I was ready. I’m not going to go into detail about the events that lead me to this point because they involve another person who I have dragged through the mud enough.
But this particular night I was going to kill myself. I didn’t really have a solid plan but I did have razors and knives and I absolutely would have cut myself all up!! Without hesitation, if I had a gun or access to a gun I would be dead.
So I have purposely kept myself away from guns. I’m extremely impulsive and it only takes a split second to pull a trigger.
But my dad intercepted me this particular night on my way to my room, he could sense something bad. And he just grabbed me and would not let go. I would be dead if not for that moment. I had nothing to live for I thought, I felt worthless, at that time I had only lived with my dad for a short period, I grew up living with my mom and step dad and brother. My dad wasn’t around a lot when I was younger. I did see him, but not on a scheduled basis, birthdays and holidays got missed and that stuff did hurt.
There is a little store in Knob Lick, and back then it had a pay phone. On this particular night I was ready to end my life, before I did I had a phone call to make, needless to say that phone call gave me a huge boost of motivation to die. So I was headed home, my house was just 200 feet or so from that store. We had a crappy white picket fence so I had to walk around the front of the house, because it was all blocked off and full of my dads junk, and I had to enter through the side door. So I guess my dad was waiting for me out side, when I walked through the gate. I was going straight to the house to my room, I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to die. And like I said he just grabbed me and did not let go. That moment is actually a very huge blur for me. I was so filled with rage and negative self destructive energy, I would have cut my wrists, I would have cut my throat, I would have stabbed myself in the heart, my adrenaline was so elevated I could not feel physical pain. I was about to turn all my rage onto myself. But he intercepted me. He literally physically saved my life in that moment.
Now I have struggled my whole life as far as I can remember. I was defiant, rebellious, violent, and very disruptive in any environment.
I dated this girl for a short period in 1999-2000 and I got stuck in this crazy depression, and I mean I was stuck in it. I still worked, but I was like a zombie for months. One night I took a whole bottle of aspirin. It wasn’t a real suicide attempt, more of an experiment. I woke up the next day very noticeably out of it. My dad and I shared an apartment at this time, he knew something was wrong cause my balance and coordination was off and I couldn’t speak right. I was fine really and I would have been fine but he was worried about it so I let him take me to the ER.
It was nothing, the Dr. was cool, and I played it off. I never really showed people how depressed I really was. I could fake it pretty good, I knew how I was supposed to act so that’s what I did. I just pretended I was fine.
I then got a different job and shortly after, I met my future wife and mother of my child. And at that point I was ok. I wasn’t good, but I wasn’t a zombie anymore. So we start dating, and my battle with myself became very apparent to her very early on.
One night I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. She was obviously freaked out and wanted to take me to the ER, but I begged her not to and not to tell my dad, because he would worry and would want to take me to the ER. So, I convinced her I would be fine and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was ok.
She had convinced me to see a Dr. for my depression. I started taking anti depressants and I absolutely hated that, I honestly believed I could get better on my own without medication, without seeing a Dr.
So I didn’t take meds for long, I was embarrassed to be taking them. I felt weak, and I didn’t want to think of myself as weak so I stopped taking the meds.
That was in 2001, I was 20-21.
It wasn’t until 2007 that I would see a Dr. again, and I only went cause I was struggling at work. I couldn’t concentrate at my new position which involved a lot of paperwork and multi tasking and many times I found myself staring at my desk having no idea what I was doing. My attention span and concentration was so poor I could not effectively do my job, I was struggling bad with it.
So I made a Dr. Apt.
I told the doctor that I thought I had ADD because I could not concentrate and she gave me a little test and told me I have bipolar disorder. She prescribed me an anti psychotic medication. And I hated that. Cause now I was officially crazy. I must be psychotic if I have to take an anti psychotic medication. But I did it, I took it.
Now a side note here which is important to mention, and I could write so much about this too, but again its not my point of this post. All this time, from 2000-2007, I was full of violent mood swings, very extreme emotions, depression, suicidal thoughts and behaviors, rage, breaking things and punching holes in walls and doors was common. I would lose all control of myself. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I knew it was me doing these horrible things but I felt like I was outside of my body just watching it happen and many times I could not even remember anything I did or said. That too was common. I was also drinking heavily which just made things so much worse.
In all this time my wife stayed with me. The better part of me wanted her to leave, because I could not control my behavior.
Really I always felt like Bruce Banner and the Hulk. And as crazy as it sounds that’s how she saw it too. She stayed for Bruce Banner despite what damage the Hulk would inflict on her. She would say I literally physically looked different when it happened. When that part took over, to her my physical appearance changed, my eyes changed, she did not see her husband, she saw something else completely.
So I carried a lot of shame and guilt. For those that don’t know the difference, guilt is feeling bad for something you have done. Shame is feeling bad for who you are!! Shame is incredibly powerful, so I might go 3 weeks without blowing up or losing control and I would almost start to feel ok about myself. Then it would happen. Then the guilt and shame again. Always guilty and ashamed.
I wanted someone to put a bullet in my head because I couldn’t do it myself. I wanted to die, but I did not have it in me at this point to do it myself.
So back to my point, I stopped seeing that Dr. And I started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and I also started seeing a therapist. And again, I cannot stress enough how difficult this was for me. I was admitting I was a failure, I was admitting I was weak. I am a man, I mean a manly man, I have a beard, I’m a tough guy, I lift weights, I like to fight, I’m not a wimp that needs help. That was my mentality back then.
So it was so hard for me to see a psychiatrist and take medication, I was always embarrassed to go, I always hoped no one I knew would see me going in to or leaving this building. I went back and forth with it. I would stop going and stop taking meds.
Between that time and 2013 I had been to the hospital 3 times for being suicidal, and a very pivotal moment for me was in august 2011. I had just lost another job because I had to leave! If I didn’t, I would have physically assaulted this dude. At this point, this was common for me. I HAD to leave.If I didn’t, bad things would happen. That never did happen in my adult life but it certainly did in my childhood, I had become so familiar with my moods and behaviors that I knew what would happen, so i would always just leave before I lost control and hurt someone.
Well in August of 2011 I had to leave this job because I was seconds away from exploding on this dude, and over nothing, just the slightest little thing.
I came home to my wife and I broke down in a way I never had before. I literally was crying and begging for help! I told her i cant do this anymore, I cant carry this burden anymore, I am emotionally drained from always having to hold back the monster inside me. I cant hold it back anymore, and I am going to hurt someone. I had carried this for so long, I could not do it anymore.
I reached out for help this time. And it was wholehearted and honest. I finally faced the fact that i really needed help and I wanted to go to the hospital. So she took me, and this was the first time I was actually honest. I always knew how to act and what to say and thats what I always did. Because I was always afraid if I told them how I really felt they would keep me in a mental facility forever. So I faked it, I told dr’s just enough but i really downplayed the severity of it.
Well not this time, i was 100% honest, come what may. I was in that hospital for 2 weeks. I was seeing a therapist in there, actually she was a psychologist, and this woman got so frustrated with me. She had to hand me off to someone else, because I had a very strong argument that I could not be fixed, I could not improve, I told her the only cure for me was a gun and a bullet, and she couldn’t prove me wrong. She had done this job over 30 years and I frustrated HER!! It’s typically the other way around. So in my last few days I saw a different psychologist who introduced me to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. And that really struck a chord with me. It made sense to me and it gave me hope. I actually began to believe I can change this. I can stop being a prisoner to it.
So I left the hospital with a lot of hope.
But I did not stop drinking and I did not have insurance to be able to take meds.
In January 2012 I ended up getting a great job, with great insurance and great pay. But I didn’t see a psychiatrist, I thought I could get by without it, but I still had a lot of problems that came to a head in January 2013. I was hospitalized again this time not by choice. My wife called the police cause I was in a drunken rage and I was suicidal. So she let them in as I was screaming at them. They both grabbed me and threw me around my kitchen slamming my head into the cabinets even though I wasn’t resisting. I was just big and drunk and belligerent so they assumed I would resist, but I didn’t. They cuffed me and threw me in a kitchen chair breaking the back of it. One cop went and talked to my wife and one talked to me. He was asking if I was suicidal and I told him to f***off. He kept asking me and asked me if I had a plan and I said yeah I did have a plan. It’s called suicide by cop. I get my bb gun and make you think its real and that I will shoot you forcing you to shoot me.
So with that said, they took me to the ER. They put me in a room there was 2 security guards outside the room. And I would not let them give me any medicine to calm down. I ripped their gown off of me, their bracelet, I said, “you get me at full effect, I’m not taking any medicine, it’s gonna be a long night for you.” I’m a stocky muscular 250lbs and I can be very intense and very intimidating.
So they left me alone quite a bit except for this one security guard. He was late forties probably and he had to check on me every so often. And he was so respectful to me even though I was so uncooperative. I finally calmed down and cooperated.
Then they told me they were sending me to kansas city, I said, “I’ll go jail before I let you take me to kansas city.” So I spent a good 4 hours debating on bolting for the door and fighting the guards, and the one guard approached me, again very calmly and respectfully and tried to reason with me. He said yeah, you can assault us which would definitely get you arrested and taken to jail, but that’s only going to cause you more problems, if you just let them take you to kansas city, you will be free in a few days. He just reasoned with me that I didn’t really want to commit a crime and really just cause myself more problems. So, out of the respect I had gained for this man, I let them give me medicine to calm me down. Then I agreed to go to kansas city. But I didn’t really have a choice except for committing a crime and going to jail.
So I rode the 3 hour ride to kansas city in an ambulance strapped to a gurney. The hospital stay was absolute shit and did not help at all.
I already had a psychiatrist appt. lined up in Springfield before all this took place. And unbeknownst to me my wife had moved out while I was in the hospital. I had no way to get back home except for her and she was not going to come get me, then ride with me for 3 hours in a car.
So I begged her, then she told me she moved out, so I begged her to come back.
And it was to help me, I wasn’t begging her to be my wife I was begging her to help me. I could not afford to pay all our bills and pay for dr visits and medication. Psychiatric medication is not cheap even if you have insurance. So I begged her to move back in to help me so I could actually pay for the help I need. She agreed and she came and picked me up and brought me back to Springfield. I ended up getting into an argument with the receptionist at this Dr’s office on my follow up visit because my appointment got cancelled because of an ice storm. So they rescheduled for a month later, and I was really needing to see him sooner because I wasn’t doing good on the medication.
So I didn’t go back to see that Dr. I made an appointment to see another one. I got put on medications that were actually working, and for the first time In my life I actually felt like I had control of my behavior instead of it controlling me.
And I ended up not continuing to see this Dr because I really didn’t like him, and he said some things that really pissed me off. I had gotten jumped and beat up pretty good on a Saturday night. I saw this Dr. on Monday and he basically told me how stupid I was for putting myself in that position. Not really something I wanted to hear fresh after it happened. So I quit seeing him. But I was still committed to staying on medication so i made another dr apt. And this lady was the sharpest most insightful psychiatrist I have ever seen. I saw her for over 2 years the longest I ever consistently saw a Dr and stayed on medication. And in that time my shame and guilt that was always in the front of my mind had now diminished considerably. I actually started feeling good about myself. I had consistently stayed calm, and stable, and I was amazed that I could feel that way. And it was because of the medication.
That is the point of this long drawn out story. To get from where I was to where I am now was a long road filled with many obstacles, with the biggest obstacle being myself and what I originally thought about taking medication.
I did lose my job in May of 2015 because I just could not function properly. There’s a whole other long story about all that which many people already know.
But I was off medication for a while, and then I was able to get back on it, and I am currently taking it.
And I’ve been sober since June of 2015.
My point of all this is how important and effective medication has been in my life. Without it, Its just a matter of time before my deep dark struggles return. And once again I will be at war with myself. I haven’t lost my temper or been violent or destructive since 2014. And even then it was just a few times. So from January of 2013 til now, 4 years later, I have been very consistent with my behavior, with a few exceptions.
And I’m not looking for a pat on the back. I just wanted to paint an accurate picture of how medication changed my life and gave me better quality of life, especially with my family. Knowing what I now know I will never stop taking medication. And if I ever turn back in to that violent destructive person that constantly feels guilty and shameful I wont stick around long!!
So this story is not about how great I am, or how I turned my life around, its about swallowing my ignorant pride, and changing my attitude about taking medication. It started in the year 2001. The battle lasted until 2013!!! And I am now 100% ok saying that I am mentally ill and I need medication to be stable! Its that simple. 12 years of absolute hell for all involved. I never thought or believed that I could know what it felt like to live without shame and guilt but I now know that feeling. That is my new normal!!
Here is the absolute truth: I have been diagnosed by 13 different psychiatrists and I have seen about the same number of therapists.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I have been told I have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Disorder. And a therapist said she thought I had Disassociative Identity Disorder which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder.
Those are facts!! I have been told these things by mental health professionals, a few of them say the same thing, but many of them say otherwise. And I mean one would diagnose me with one thing, a different one would diagnose me with something else. It really can be very confusing, frustrating, and aggravating!! Difficult to say the least!
And I don’t care what I actually have or don’t have!! I don’t need to put a label on it and I really don’t like talking about it, and if I didn’t say anything about it a lot of people just don’t know. Everyone I worked with and socialized with in my adult life would probably be very shocked by this. Because I’m a hard worker, I can crack jokes, and I can pretend very well that I am just fine, mostly anyway. I did come to a point in 2015 that it was quite obvious I was falling apart, but I had lost my family, more truthfully I drove them away, my wife had all she could take, but her leaving in a round about way saved me!! It broke me and i have rebuilt myself in to a better person.
Anyway its embarrassing, its uncomfortable, its not easy to open up publicly about this stuff!! Why? Because of the stigma surrounding it!!
Oh he’s just looking for attention, or he’s just making excuses for bad behavior, or wow he is messed up and I don’t want to be around him. He’s crazy, and many other thoughts that people may have. Running into somebody at Wal-Mart that I know and seeing them look at me I instantly get embarrassed and think they are judging or criticizing me in their head, or they just have this look on their face like oh shit, its him, I need to avoid him. And that could just be complete paranoia on my part, but the thoughts are there, and there are times where I am afraid to even go out in public because of my own inaccurate thoughts and perception.
So yeah its hard to make this stuff public and open myself up so wide.
In reality some people will be understanding and think wow, that makes a lot of sense, and some people will think wow that dude’s nuts!! And they are both right!!
Normal people who don’t struggle with this stuff, really have a hard time understanding or even trying to understand it.
Until it hits their life on a personal level!!
So many people don’t know and didn’t know how bad I struggled, how depressed and suicidal I was all the time, how I was consistently in turmoil, battling myself in my head. I’m very good at knowing how I’m supposed to act. So I can flash a smile and say I’m great when I know I am not. I can hide it very well, and I do hide it because I don’t want people to think of me as weak or flawed, or a little crybaby just looking for attention.
I should not be praised or complimented just for achieving normal, acceptable, and appropriate behavior. I say this because many people have complimented me on turning my life around. And I really do appreciate those compliments especially when they come from people that i thought hated me. It really does mean a lot to me. I’m not used to getting compliments, I’m used to being hated and despised. But still i don’t think I deserve praise just for being normal! Yeah it took a lot for me to get to this point, but still its hard for me to accept the compliments. To be honest I’ve really only ever wanted them from one person! I’m 36, it ain’t gonna happen and I accept that.
Many times being alone with my thoughts is more painful and agonizing than getting physically beat up. Ive been doing this 25 years now. I will take the physical beating every time if I had a choice!
And I am finally at a place where I genuinely feel good about myself. I put the effort in and I’m very proud of myself for the person I have become and no one can take that from me!!
If not for medication I would not be able to honestly say any of this.
That’s my point of this, to try to accurately describe my path to taking medication. More importantly my attitude about it and how my attitude changed. I once saw it as a weakness, now I see it as my saving grace!!
Not every person who has mental illness needs or will benefit from medication, but I am not one of those people. I do need medication. I am no fun to be around when I am not on it, many people kind of know that.
My hope for doing this is that someone who may be able to relate to me, can see how I struggled with this and how much it has helped me. 90% of the struggle was in my head. Its not the world or people around me that I’m at war with it is myself!!
Normal people do not understand that, and I say normal, what I mean is people who don’t have depression, or other mental health issues.
I want this just as bad as you want aids or cancer!!! I hate this!!! This is my life and has been for the majority of it! A constant struggle, a constant battle, and most of it is all in my head!!
Yeah normal people have no idea what that’s like!!
Seriously, “get over it” “ man up”
“grow up” “ quit being a little baby”
and so many more, I have heard so many things directed toward me, but also just spoken generally from other people. To so many people “mental illness” is a joke, its an excuse, its a choice!!!
I’ve often considered myself a lame horse, well what do you do with a lame horse? You take them out back and put them out of their misery!! Yeah I chose this like a dude that chose to have cancer!!
But I have a responsibility, I have a family, if I did not I would not be here, to a whole lot of people I’m nothing, I’m nobody, I’m more trouble than I’m worth, but to these 2 people I’m everything! And I know that, so I’m here for them and yeah it was for them that I started back on medication back in 2013. And when I had actually improved because of it and I knew what it felt like to be proud of myself instead of hating myself all the time, I would never stop taking medicine. I came to a realization that I am not a bad person. I have spent the majority of my life thinking and believing that. And I have done bad things, I’ve put countless lives in danger every time I drove drunk!! Mental illness didn’t make me drink and drive. But I don’t have normal fear of consequences that people have. If you read anything about bipolar disorder, one aspect of it is mania. Now I have heard so many different things about mania, I have read different things about it. I literally went from a hospital where the Dr I was seeing told me about mania, I looked it up and read it once I got out of the hospital, and when I saw my new Dr for the first time I described to him some of my behaviors that I had just recently learned fell into the category of mania, and he says to me, that’s not mania that is depression!
Really?? That’s how aggravating and frustrating this can be. Not all Dr’s are the same, I’ve seen 13 or 14 a this point and they rarely say the same thing!! I just wish I could video tape myself for a month and just give it to them and say, here!! I go through so many moods in the course of a month its crazy and hard to keep up with and I’m on medication. You should see what I’m like without it. The emotional ups and downs that a person experiences over the course of their life, I will experience in the course of a month, or a week, even in the same day!!
Anyway I got sidetracked there, my point if you read about mania, risky behavior is a very common symptom. And I don’t fit every aspect of that, but I do fit many aspects of it. Things like driving drunk, doing over 100 miles an hour passing people on the shoulder, all kinds of reckless behaviors. I am very lucky that I have never killed anyone in a car accident.
I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know why I’m not dead, I don’t know why I didn’t get sent to prison!! I ask this a lot, I want to know why!! There are far better people than me who are not here, they did die, or get sent to prison for lesser crimes.
So I am grateful to be here, I don’t deserve any praise or compliments. Yes I have turned my life around and yes I have dramatically improved in a positive way and I’m sure people do have good things to say about that!
So anyway mania is a confusing subject for me, but risky dangerous behavior is a symptom of having bipolar disorder. Now that I don’t drink, and I am on medication that guy isn’t even here!! I’m glad I don’t have a driver’s license, I’m glad I don’t have money, because when I have those 2 things eventually I will drink again, (that is my fear, not my plan or expectation) and maybe I don’t live to tell about it or worse, some innocent person dies because of my careless destructive behavior.
So yeah needless to say I can really frustrate some mental health professionals because I have some really good arguments!
So that was clearly a good example of my lack of concentration and how easily I can get side tracked.
My entire point of writing this is to talk about my journey to taking medication.
If you think I’m weak, or flawed, or crazy, or whatever I am completely ok with that!! Do you think I could write this and make it public if I wasn’t ok with that??
That’s my point of writing this, once upon a time I thought if you had to take meds to regulate your behavior you were weak!! Or you just want to take pills, you don’t need that shit!!
Yeah well psych meds are not narcotics, you don’t get a “buzz” taking them with the exception of benzodiazepines or stimulants. But those drugs don’t do for me what they do for other people. I took stimulants back in 2008-2009 because the Dr I was seeing at that time leaned more toward ADHD than bipolar disorder, so I just took what he gave me. But yeah those drugs do get abused by people, but not me, not sure if you’ve seen me in person but I clearly don’t have a problem with stimulants. People who do are typically very noticeably underweight and just not healthy looking, and yeah that’s not from psychiatric stimulants its from meth, but the point I’m making is most psych medications do absolutely nothing as far as catching a buzz from it.
So I’m trying to be an advocate for taking medication. It took me over 12 years to finally admit to myself that I need it! And guess what? Myself, Melanie and Isaiah are the only ones who really know that. My dad as loving and understanding as he has been with me has the stigma that if you’re taking medications there is something “wrong” with you. And he isn’t mean or ignorant about it, or judgemental, he just does not understand it.
And that’s ok, he doesn’t need to understand it, because I understand it! That’s all that matters!!
But yeah it took me such a long time to get to where I am mentally!!
I went from being embarrassed to seeing a Dr, to now very publicly sharing my struggles and the fact I take medication and see mental health professionals! I used to think that meant I was weak! I now know it is just the opposite!! Its hard to ask for help, its even harder to admit you need it!! Especially someone like myself! And it has taken tremendous strength to do what I have done and continue to do!!
Drinking beer and ignoring it was easy!! Being sober and facing it is not easy at all and to make it even more difficult I am sharing it with you!!
Why??
Because someone may benefit from it and that’s the least I can do with the grace and mercy that has been shown to me.
There is this saying I have heard in the past: to whom much has been given, much is required!
And I have been given a lot, in my head about 18 years to be exact! A wife and son who love me and bring great joy into my life!! I didn’t earn it and I don’t deserve it, yet it was given to me, so in my head much is required of me!!
Another saying I like to say to myself often: Evil prevails when good people do nothing!!
A little embarrassment and discomfort is a small price to pay if it can actually help someone!!
I really don’t know what I can do but I have to do something, I think we all do!! I’d bet my life that anyone reading this has been affected by suicide in some way, either a family member or friend, and you also probably know somebody struggling with addiction that needs help!!
And I don’t have answers, but I have a big mouth!! And just talking about it and being aware of it will lead to answers!!
If I said to you, hey? If all you had to do was tell someone in your life that you love them and care about them to save their life, would you do it? If you knew ahead of time that calling that person, or going to see them, or just hugging them out of the blue and telling them how important they are to you, if you knew that would save their life would you do it??
I seriously doubt anyone is going to answer no to that question. But we don’t get to know that. These people may really need these things from you in order to save them or stop them from making a bad decision!!
I used to say this often, and it may be very harsh for some people, but you can say it to their face or you can say it to their coffin!! And I know a lot of people who can back that statement up. And that’s not said to make them feel bad, or try to point blame or open a wound, because truthfully even if you do say something it still may not be enough. You never really know what is going on in someones life or in their head.
Those “what if’s” and “if only’s” torture a lot of people!! What if I said or did this, or if only I had done this or that!! Its extremely rare for there to be no warning signs, typically there are bells and whistles going off like crazy but it goes unnoticed because people just don’t know. Or they do sense something is wrong but they just feel too weird to address it, its awkward, you may not know what to say or how to say it. That’s very common. I know for me in my deep dark moments just knowing that someone cares. And it needs to be expressed and verbalized! You cant say “well of course they know I love them” because maybe they really don’t know and they think otherwise, so you need to show it, say it, let them know, they may need it more than you realize and it just may save their life!!
You think I’m wrong?? Go talk to somebody who has lost their loved one!!
It is so heartbreaking and in so many cases it is so preventable!!
You just have to be aware, and be proactive!!
So that’s why I write this stuff, why I open myself up, its scary, it’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing, but if it can help its worth it, and I gotta do something!!
I think we all do!! So do something!! You don’t have to do what I’m doing but there is SOMETHING that you CAN do!! So do that, whatever it may be!!