Nothing can stop me. As a young girl I struggled with Attention Deficit Disorder. I remember kids constantly calling me stupid. Because reading, taking tests, doing homework, and understanding directions were extremely difficult for me. I struggled to pass all my classes staying up till midnight doing homework. Going to tutoring for hours. Redoing homework six times just to get it right. Rereading materials over and over again just to understand what I had read. At a young age I developed a very hard work ethic. Even as a young girl I knew that I had to work hard or I would fall behind. So I fought. As a teen I struggled to prove my classmates wrong. They created a fake Facebook profile on me to humiliate me. I decided I was going to be the best student ever and to be kinder than necessary. So I fought. I graduated with a great grade point average and I was awarded Winter Formal Queen after being anonymously nominated. As an athlete I struggled to compete and perform due to a sports injury that affected the bones and ligaments in my ankle. I limped through races, performances, games, and practices for two years before I knew what was wrong. I was consistently told by my coach I needed to get over it, it was just another sprain, that there’s nothing wrong with my ankle, and to not wear my brace. I was more than determined to succeed despite my disposition. So I fought. Later I went to my doctor and had an MRI and bone scan done on my ankle. It turned out that every time I pointed my toes my bones were cracking due to a bone that broke off in my heel. I needed surgery. After my surgery I worked tirelessly to gain mobility. Soon enough I found myself training again. Then performing and competing. With every challenge in my life I have worked, learned, and fought. And everyday of my life I have known and proven that nothing can stop me.
In high school I was on both of my schools cheer teams where we took second at state my senior year. I was awarded by UCA for two years in a row for my leadership and spirit. I was a long distance runner and was a shot put and discus thrower in track and field. I was a highly active member of multiple clubs. I was the Public Relations Officer for DECA a club for emerging leaders and entrepreneurs. A member of Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) where we went to state my senior year and I was awarded FBLA student of the year. In yearbook as a photographer. I took part in my schools spring musical production, “Seussical”. I was in Lion Crew which was my schools version of student ambassadors/mentors. And I was a student worker for the freshman office for three years. In my senior year of high school I was awarded Queen at the Winter Formal Dance. Took college level accounting classes and audited Advanced Placement History classes. I devoted my time to volunteering as a tutor for the developmentally disabled students at my school, and had the pleasure of training them for the Special Olympics. I participated in cancer walks every year with my cheer team in support and later memory of our coach Amy Simos. I had a great GPA, only a couple points shy of being considered an honors student. I worked a part time job at a fast food restaurant where I was promoted in less than a year as a Crew Trainer. I was awarded by the Student Council a Citizenship award. I was truly a model student but when I turned nineteen my whole life changed. I was a freshman in college and I had just gotten a new job to say the least it was a transitional period for me.
For the most part I seemed to be doing alright. However, I was constantly coming and going, spending large amounts of money, and making rather impulsive decisions. What my friends, family, and I did not know was my impulsivity was the beginning of a psychotic and a manic depressive episode. By November, I seemed to be a totally different person. I cut off all of my friends. I damaged many of those friendships through my outbursts some beyond repair. I became fixated on certain people believing that they could read my mind and feel what I felt. I would hold certain people up on pedestals believing they were grand people with powers. I became reckless as a driver, speeding regularly. One time I sped into oncoming traffic to get around a driver and was nearly inches away from crashing. I started stealing small things and as time went on the larger the items got. I became paranoid thinking my family was stealing from me or that I was being followed. Driving down the road I would think a vehicle behind me was following me. When I walked towards a group of people laughing I assumed it was about me.
I began to believe that my coworkers had it out for me. I would look at a full parking lot and believe I was being watched. No matter how much others would try to convince me that these delusions were not real I did not believe them. I would not sleep for three or four days at a time pacing my room and rearranging everything in sight. At other times it seemed I could not stop sleeping and could hardly get myself to do the most basic things. I had racing thoughts that made it difficult for me to carry conversations with others. And at other times I could not put a single thought together it was like trying to squeeze liquid out of a rock. I experienced moments of panic over small problems. One time writing the same exact essay over and over again each time thinking it wasn’t finished and completely redoing it. I experienced visual, tactile, and audible hallucinations. One time I had a hallucination that I was being attacked in my living room. At night I felt bugs crawling on my skin. I would hear voices telling me that I was worthless and that I needed to die.
I stopped taking care of myself denying myself of basic hygiene. I would find myself doing things that I had no idea of what I was doing. Sometimes driving to six or even ten fast food restaurants buying food and binging on all of it at once. Sometimes afterwards I would feel so bad that I would purge. One day during winter break I felt as if I could not go on. So I decided to kill myself but right when I was at the brink of doing this I heard a buzzing sound. A friend messaged me asking if I could help them move. So I said yes left the house and never looking back. I continued to struggle trying to work with my situation and I fought to function as much as I could. I knew something was wrong but believed that it was because of things taking place in my life. Unfortunately due to my symptoms I struggled in school tremendously, had difficulty maintaining healthy relationships, and started failing at work. It got to a point where everyone was starting to notice but no one knew what was causing all of this change. No one knew what to do. Some might believe that my suicide attempt was the worst moment in my mental break. But they would be wrong. It was on a spring day in May when I hit the worst point of my mental break. And when I say hit I mean crash.
It was the end of my spring semester, I was driving from the college campus to work like usual, when things took a turn for the worse. It started raining and I was speeding. I thought I had control of my car I felt the wheel, saw the road, and heard the rain. What I did not feel, see, or hear was my car going airborne, hydro piloting, and going off the road completely. After several moments I had finally realized my car was no longer mobile I called my parents laughing and saying, “I’m on the side of the road and have a flat tire can you come get me?“ Hearing this my family thought everything was fine. But when they arrived at the scene of the accident they were shocked. The car was demolished, an ambulance was present, and a state trooper had arrived. Clearly this was not just a simple flat tire. It became clear that I needed help. What help I needed we did not know. After the accident my family took me to a therapist. After speaking to her about what was going on she recommended that I go to a facility to be evaluated. It was then after I was evaluated that we figured out it was some form of a mental illness. So they put me into the Intensive Outpatient Program since I was no longer driving and not a threat to myself or others. Days after being evaluate I went to school and took my finals. Nothing was going to stop me. But after three days in the program my symptoms were worsening, I had few answers, and not enough money. I had no other choice but to leave the program and seek private care. Many people think working to get diagnosed is a walk in the park but for me it was hard work. But like any other time in my life instead of giving in I fought.
After months of doing MRI’s, EEG’s, blood tests, drug tests, and seeing countless doctors no one had answers for me. While everyone I saw characterized my case as severe I received no help. Instead, I received 6,000 dollars in medical bills. And since I could only work one day a week I was left with 100 dollar paychecks. So I spread out my money to make payments on these bills and relied upon the mercy of others. It seemed like no one would be able to help me and all I would receive was overwhelming debt. Until one day a family member of mine spoke to their psychiatrist and he said he would see me.
After one appointment with him I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and put on medications immediately. After months building up the dosages of my medications, tweaking them depending on my symptoms, fighting with my insurance company, and lots of work on managing my symptoms. I have become a happier and healthier person. Thanks to my doctor, proper treatment, medication and my support system I have been able to achieve this. But like anyone with a mental illness I will always have to be vigilant of my symptoms and constantly working on my mental health. Now I am being promoted at work, working towards getting a vehicle, able to have healthy relationships, and able to return to school in the spring.
At one point in my life I did not understand how mental illness could change everything or how much it can affect an individual. I had no idea that Schizoaffective Disorder existed. But now I have seen first hand through my own experiences what it can do. I am no longer a victim of circumstance. My life is no longer controlled by my illness. I have reclaimed my power. I am very fortunate that I have the support that I have and that I had an early intervention. Knowing that not everyone has been so lucky, I am truly grateful. I intend to use my future and current success to break down stigma. To prove that people with mental illness can and do live successful and fulfilling lives. I know the road before me is full of many challenges and hard work. But it’s all worth it. This is my life and I have to protect it. So I will work, learn, and fight to get through this new challenge. And I know no matter what comes my way nothing can stop me.