How most people visualize the idea of persuasion
The word “persuasion” makes people feel uneasy. It conjures up images of mind control or the dark arts. But in reality, persuasion is a part of our daily lives and comes in different forms.
Have you watched a show or listened to a new band based on the recommendation of a friend?
Have you ever returned a favor or assisted someone who’s helped you before?
How you ever taken the advice of someone you respected as a mentor?
These are all examples where you’re under the influence of persuasion. You can choose to deny it or you can learn how it works and use it to your advantage.
Dr. Robert Cialdini spent years researching persuasion and in 1984 released his groundbreaking book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. While the book has a focus towards marketing, the principles apply to social psychology — including our romantic relationships.
Now before I get a dozen hate mails, I’m not condoning trickery or manipulation. Persuasion can’t control someone to do something against their will. But it is a powerful tool that can be used for good or evil.
Since I’m not into doing bad things (only naughty stuff), I’m going to focus on healthy, honest ways to implement persuasion. To help women naturally see you as a romantic interest and want to move things towards an intimate connection.
1. Reciprocity
“As humans, we generally aim to return favors, pay back debts, and treat others as they treat us.”
Some guys are aware of this. They know if they do something for a woman, she will feel indebted to them. So they try to buy her a drink before talking to her at a bar, do over-the-top favors, or buy her gifts on a date.
And it works, but not usually how they hoped.
All these actions treat a woman like you’re only a friend or a provider. Guess what? That’s exactly the type of interest she’s going to reciprocate.
What you want to do is treat her like a potential lover first and foremost. This is the only way she’s going to build and return sexual attraction towards you.
Smile when you approach. This is the simplest advice I give and yet I will repeat it until the day I die. Walking up to a girl without a smile greatly diminishes your chances of a positive response. She’s taking cues from you and if you’re not smiling, she subconsciously doesn’t feel like she can, either.
Be the first to flirt. Stop waiting for her green light. Women know within minutes whether or not you’re a potential romantic interest. But the majority of the time they will not initiate until you do. You begin to flirt and then adjust based on how she receives it.
You want her to start touching you? Touch her. You want her to look at you with sexy eyes? Make strong, seductive eye contact with her. You want to have fun, flirty, and sexual conversations? Tease her, ask her intimate questions, show more intention, or segue into a sexual topic.
2. Commitment (and Consistency)
People have a general desire to appear consistent in their behavior. People generally also value consistency in others.
For this reason, once we’ve committed to something, we’re then more inclined to go through with it.
The more you can get a woman to invest in you, the better. Every time she does her feelings and connection with you will grow.
Get her to agree that she wants to hang out again when getting her number. Don’t just say, “can I get your number?” Instead say, “This was fun, we should do this again.” Or “Let’s grab coffee sometime.” If she accepts that she would like to see you again, she’s more likely to follow through. But you should try to…
Make specific plans in the moment to have the highest chance of seeing a woman again. Use a commonality as the foundation – whether that’s a food interest, an outdoor activity, an exhibit or show you’re excited to see, or a venue or restaurant you both love.
This can also work if you want to introduce her to something she showed interest in. That could be a location she’s unfamiliar with or your favorite food place. You can say, “I’ll have to take you my favorite Thai restaurant. Are you free Thursday?” or “We’re totally going to have a Brooklyn tour day. How about this weekend?”
Use the foot-in-the-door (FITD) technique to move a woman from a venue to the bedroom.
“This a compliance tactic that involves getting a person to agree to a large request by first setting them up by having that person agree to a modest request. The foot-in-the-door technique succeeds owing to a basic human reality that social scientists call “successive approximations”.
Essentially, the more a subject goes along with small requests or commitments, the more likely that subject is to continue in a desired direction of attitude or behavioral change and feel obligated to go along with larger requests. FITD works by first getting a small ‘yes’ and then getting an even bigger ‘yes.’” [Source]
When talking to a girl at a bar, invite her to get a drink or take a seat with you. If she agrees, then later you can invite her to go with you to another bar or continue back at your place.
When on a date, try to setup an adventure through multiple locations. For example, you could start with coffee, then take a walk through the downtown, and end up sitting close at the park. Each time she commits to a more personal, intimate setting, the more romantically invested she becomes. Then it’s a natural progression to go back to your place – either then or on a following date.
I said FOOT in the door technique man…
3. Social Proof
We are influenced by others around us; we want to be doing what everyone else is doing. People often base their actions and beliefs on what others around them are doing, how others act or what others believe.
I’ve had dozens of guys tell me, “Why is it when I’m single I struggle to find girls who are interested but the second I have a girlfriend, women check me out and throw themselves at me?”
That’s no coincidence, it’s the driving force behind social proof. Women want men that other women (and society) want. They’re also more inclined to desire a man who has a thriving social circle or who their friends approve of.
Become legitimate friends with girls that have boyfriends. Those women will introduce you to their other, single friends and build you up. If their friend thinks you’re a cool guy, they’re going to see you through that lens. Or…
Go out to socialize with those girl friends. When a woman sees other women enjoying your company, they immediately find you intriguing and desirable. They assume that if those women like you then you can’t be a weird or “creepy” guy.
You can even go out with a single female friend. Tell her you want to have a night of fun, drinking, and you’ll help her meet guys, too. Then you both motivate and support each other in conversation to connect with new people. It’s a win-win for both parties.
At a party, introduce yourself to different people and groups for a few minutes at a time. There’s no ulterior motive except to meet new faces and see who interests you. Then after 15-30 minutes, return to one of the previous people you talked to or approach someone else.
What happens is that people will notice others laughing and socializing with you. They see you as the guy everyone wants to be around. Women want to be a part of that and will either approach you themselves or be much more engaged when you approach them.
You can do this at a bar or club as well. Talk to a couple of women for a few moments and be the first one to walk away. You will often notice other women checking you out or positioning themselves close to you. Immediately start a direct conversation with them and watch how well they respond.
Host a party. Being the man of the hour demonstrates immense social value. Everyone there knows you or showed up to your awesome party. This is a layup.
Make friends with the staff of venues you frequent. I’ve had bouncers rush me through long lines. Then I’ve turned to girls behind me and said, “they’re with me, too” and we went in together. It shows social status, delivers real value to them, and has them excited to get to know you.
I’ve also had fun conversations with bartenders in front of women. This works well with female bartenders. It becomes so easy to lean over to a woman and say, “Hey, what’s your name?” Their guard is down because again another woman is positive and friendly towards you.
Get her friends to approve of you. If you meet a group of girls and want to get one of their numbers or have some alone time, gain her friends’ permission. “Can I borrow your friend for a minute to get a drink?” It shows consideration for their input, which almost guarantees that they will approve. And once she sees her friend’s approval, she’s going to say yes, too.
4. Liking
People say “yes” to and are influenced by people they like.
There are several factors that contribute to this including physical attractiveness, people who we feel are similar to us, people who give us compliments, and people who make us laugh.
Don’t let the above get you down, especially about physical attractiveness. It’s not as much about your genetic traits as how you make the best of however you look.
Groom yourself. Pluck and trim your eyebrows – especially the middle if you have a unibrow. Keep your facial hair in check. If you have a full beard, trim it evenly so it looks neat and not like a serial rapist. Shave all neckbeard, too.
Go to a professional salon for once. Have them cut and style your hair. Take pictures of how it looks and bring that to your normal place for future reference.
Dress well. Fashion makes an immediate first impression and conveys a lot about you. My friend Howie said it perfectly on the forum:
“People trust people who look good. Watch any Disney movie. The heroes you’re supposed to like are beautiful and well dressed. The evil people are ugly and dressed poorly. Disney didn’t invent this, it’s how people are, for better or for worse. You can fight against this or you can use it to your advantage. I suggest the latter.
Wear clothes that fit you well. Look into fashion. Wear more color. Invest in your wardrobe, at least a little bit, for when you go out.”
I highly recommend you check out the Kinowear Fashion Bible – it’s by far the best book I’ve read on being attractive through fashion.
Be positive. This isn’t some new-age bullshit, this is real advice. We’re attracted to people who are happy, enthusiastic, laugh often, and lift our spirits. Complaining, cynicism, and excessive self-deprecation turn most people off. Rid yourself of negativity.
Give genuine compliments. Everyone wants to be attractive, funny, and personable. We like our ego stroked. When someone feels you gave them a real compliment, it makes them feel good. In turn, those positive emotions you created makes them like you more.
Learn how to tell funny or relatable stories. Storytelling is one of the oldest crafts. Sharing a story is an incredible way to engage someone and make them feel closer to you. Public speakers start with personal anecdotes because they know the audience will then feel connected and involved.
Sorry but you can’t hypnotize her into liking you, she has to actually like you.
5. Authority
We feel a sense of duty or obligation to people in positions of authority. People often act in an automated fashion to commands from authority, even if their instincts suggest the commands should not be followed.
You can demonstrate your authority without being in a higher position of power.
A man who is in control of his destiny, desires, and emotions is extremely attractive. The best way for women to see you as an authority is to be an authority over yourself.
Use a dominant rather than submissive vocal tone when speaking. How many prominent public figures speak with a timid, weak voice? Almost none and it’s because they’ve trained their voices to project with confidence and conviction.
Practice powerful body language. Stand tall and hold your head high. Move slower and with purpose. Look comfortable in your own skin. Take up more space, not less.
Make a leading statement rather than asking for permission. This makes you sound confident in what you desire. Simply put, “Come grab a drink with me.” is much more impactful than “Do you want to grab a drink with me?”
Be more assertive. Understand your wants and needs. Go after them unashamedly. Have an opinion and speak it proudly. Know your boundaries and convey them when someone begins to cross them.
Lead consistently. That could mean going for her number, making the date plans, or going for a first kiss. Most women do not want to be the dominant partner in a relationship and they’re usually turned off when a man is too shy to take the reigns.
6. Scarcity
This principle says that things are more attractive when their availability is limited, or when we stand to lose the opportunity to acquire them on favorable terms.
It has also been shown that when information is restricted, people want the information more and will hold that information in higher regard. Items are also given a higher value when they were once in high supply but have now become scarce.
This is another principle men somewhat understand but often misuse. They try too hard to “play it cool”, follow the “three-day rule”, or artificially wait to text a girl back.
While all these are forms of scarcity, they conflict with the principle of reciprocation. If you show disinterest in a woman, especially one who’s interested, she’s going to protect herself and do the same to you.
Instead, focus on being a valuable catch that women won’t want to lose an opportunity with.
Create a fulfilling lifestyle. Rather than faking like you’re too busy, actually have other things to do.
You will see women as one part of your world and won’t be desperate for their approval. You will be willing to walk away if necessary. You’ll convey a mindset of abundance in your messages, actions, and interactions with women.
When she asks about your passions and hobbies and sees you have an awesome lifestyle, she’ll want to earn a part of your time.
Wait before buying a girl a drink or giving her a compliment. There’s too much advice against buying drinks and complimenting early — rightfully so. Women get free drinks from guys all the time.
But you can show you’re different by waiting until you feel she deserves it. Don’t just do these things to “win a girl over”, do it when she’s won you over with her personality and investment in you.
Approach more people while traveling abroad. We’re all attracted to what we rarely see or experience. We think it’s exotic. If you’re in a foreign country as an American, you are that exotic entity.
This is especially true in cultures that are most different from us or encounter less Americans in general. In many Asian countries, just showing up is enough to have women swarming and throwing themselves at you.
Don’t be so agreeable. Again, you shouldn’t pretend to disagree. But you shouldn’t agree with things you genuinely don’t agree with. You think you’re playing it safe when in reality you’re being a “yes” man. No one respects someone who sucks up to others for approval. Women instantly pick up on that dishonesty.
Screen women for qualities you want. Think about the values you desire in a woman and ask them about it. Get out of the headspace that you’re trying to impress her. Consider why you would like her as a part of your life.
Is she an intellectual? Is she a nice person? Is she motivated or passionate about a career? Is she genuine? Does she do anything exciting besides drink and party?
Don’t be afraid to ask hard or personal questions. This doesn’t happen often to women and makes them start qualifying themselves to you. They see you as a man with options who is choosing them. And they won’t want to miss out on a guy with high standards who values himself.
Quote sources: 1, 2, 3, 4
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