Chapter 10 Part 2
Smearing my fingers under my watery eyes, I sucked in a sharp jagged breath, letting it sting my lungs before dramatically puffing it out. I dropped my hands by my sides and stepped over to the bathroom door, easing it open just enough to barely peek my eyes out through the crack.
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Smearing my fingers under my watery eyes, I sucked in a sharp jagged breath, letting it sting my lungs before dramatically puffing it out. I dropped my hands by my sides and stepped over to the bathroom door, easing it open just enough to barely peek my eyes out through the crack. Pushing out a shallow sigh, I swung the door all the way open and slowly shuffled back out towards the lounge. I was expecting to be met with two boys and a heap of unanswerable questions.
Instead I was met by one.
“You alright? What happened?” Liam asked me, hurriedly stepping over to where I had paused in the middle of the room.
Flicking my stare down, I bit lightly at my lip as I shook my head. “Nothing, I…I just wasn’t feeling well.”
“Where’s Niall?” I asked him, my voice cracking slightly as I slowly looked back up at him. His brows pulled in a bit as he tipped his head.
“He, uh, he said he had to go home. Something about some girl doing his head in,” he told me, ending it with a flippant chuckle. I rolled my eyes, tucking my face down into the round of my shoulder as I crossed my arms over my chest.
“But you’re feeling better now, yeah?” He continued, changing the subject.
I mumbled out a yes as he leaned in to press a tiny kiss to my forehead. “Alright then, c’mon, it’s late, why don’t we get to bed. Rest should do ya some good.”
Not even acknowledging him as he turned and began to walk away, I calmly followed him towards our bedroom, pausing as he switched off the telly and turned off the light. I remained quiet, the silence digging into my skin like a rusty knife as I climbed mindlessly into bed with Liam, not even bothering to change my clothes, and tightly curled up under the covers. My eyes fluttered as Liam’s warm lips pressed to my temple, a sweet goodnight being whispered in my ear as the thoughts of Niall’s words continued to crash over me, the sound of his deep voice drowning me like I was being held under frigid cold water and struggling to gasp for air.
I couldn’t leave it like this. I couldn’t leave Niall like this. I couldn’t leave Niall.
I waited until I knew Liam was sound asleep, the routine of the exact situation making this easier for me every time. Maybe not a good thing, but at this point I didn’t care, I needed to see Niall. I needed him to know.
I made it to his flat in record time, still dressed in my joggers and t-shirt, my heart racing in my chest and practically meeting the pounding of my fist on his door. It swung open, a puzzled look spreading over his face as my stare shakily drifted down his body, almost completely naked as he stood in front of me in just a tight pair of black boxers.
Pinching my eyes shut, I let out a groan and stormed past him without a word, trudging down the hall towards his bedroom as I heard the front door slam shut in the distance.
“Des?” He called out, his rough voice echoing against the walls of his flat as I hastily pushed into his room and dropped my keys to the floor. Cupping my face in my hands, I started to pace back and forth by the side of his bed, all my thoughts muddled and swirling around in my fucked up head. I heard the floor creak as he stepped into the room, his blue eyes wide and thoroughly fixated on me as I struggled to pull in much needed breaths, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say to him.
“Des,” he mumbled out again, taking a few steps closer to me, stopping right between me and the side of his bed, “What are you-”
“I know I have no right to be mad!” I shouted, whipping around to face him and letting my hands hang down by my sides, “I know that, Ni…” I felt my voice begin to shake slightly in my throat and I quickly shifted my eyes from his, staring at the dark hair that spread out over his chest. “But I can’t think about you with-”
He stood silent, his pink mouth parted slightly as he listened. His eyes darted over my face, watching as I swallowed hard and slowly peered back up at him. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else,” I stated to him, my words firm on my tongue as he lightly knitted his brows.
“I know I have no right to tell you that and you have every right not to listen, but I don’t care,” I spit out to him, my brown eyes locked on his, watching the black of his pupils spread in the dimmed light of his bedroom. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I don’t want you to fuck anyone else.”
I could see his chest rising high as he pulled in deep breaths and I curled my fingers into my fists, my tongue darting out to lap across my bottom lip as I took a step closer to him. Sucking in the intoxicating smell of his skin that was right under my nose, I let my eyes flutter as I choked out my repeated words. “I don’t want you to fuck anyone else,” my voice sliding out in a silken whisper, “Just…me.”
;)
Grabbing around his face, his skin seared into the pads of my fingers as I rose to my tip toes and smashed my mouth to his. His big greedy hands came up to grip tight around the small of my waist and roughly tugged my body against his own. My tongue swept hungrily across his, needy and desperate, pulling in that sweet undeniable taste of him that I craved as I tilted my head slightly and scraped my nails up through the back of his hair. He moaned brokenly into my mouth, the sound making my body soften into his touch as his hands raked up under my shirt to feel at my heated skin.
Popping my lips from his, I pushed my hands flat to his chest, giving him a healthy shove and causing him to topple back onto his bed. He let out a intrigued chuckle as I climbed over him, straddling my legs over his hips and once again cradling the sides of his face in my hands. Bending down over him, I pressed my wet mouth to his, our tongues sliding past parted lips as his hands gripped firmly around my head, fingers tangling into my dark hair. “I’m sorry,” I muttered against his tongue,” I’m…so sorry.” I had no idea why I was apologizing to him, my thoughts skewed and cloudy as my heart swelled, rattling against my chest as the tiny waves of heat began to steadily float around in my tummy. He chuckled, pushing his mouth harder into mine, his hands untwisting from my hair and dragging down the curves of my sides. Pushing my body up, my eyes flew open to stare down at him as I raised my arms in the air.
Watching a knowing smirk tug at the corner of his pretty mouth, he reached out to grip at the bottom of my t-shirt and quickly yanked it up over my head. Tossing it to the side, I slowly lowered my arms, my brown eyes darting with his as he finally laid his hands on me, gently spreading them wide across the front of my tummy.
My lips parted slightly and I swallowed hard as he slowly let his fingertips massage into my clammy skin, prickles of goosebumps rising across my exposed flesh with every brush of his calloused touch. I suddenly became overwhelmed, like I couldn’t catch my breath, my chest heaving in unsteady swells as his eyes locked cold on mine and his hands slipped over my trembling body.
“I’ve missed bein’ with you so much, petal,” he breathed out, his voice low in his throat, “So fuckin’ much.”
Gasping in a breath, I gently swirled my hips down into him, smirking as I could feel his growing arousal pressing up between my legs. Tipping my head to my shoulder, I slid my hands from his stomach to his chest, leaning over on my palms to rock my hips against him a bit harder. “I can tell,” I teased in a whisper, my dark hair cascading over my arm as I peered down at him. Breathing out a short chuckle, he gripped his hands around my hip bones, holding me still as he thrust up into me, pressing himself even firmer against my center.
I giggled lightly under my breath and bent down to roughly push my mouth to his again, eager to kiss him as much as I could. Nipping at his lips as I slipped my tongue in his mouth, I felt his thumbs tuck into the waistband of my joggers, fumbling to catch the hem of my panties as I shifted my legs and let him clumsily tug them off. Lifting his hips to pull off his boxers before straddling him again, my mouth slid off his for a moment, my fingers knotting roughly into the sides of his hair. Sucking over his stubbled chin, I attached my puffy lips to his sticky neck.
“You’re not…allowed to fuck…anyone else,” I mumbled out against the side of his overly warm throat, my lips stuck to his damp flesh as I pulled it in between my teeth. He let out a hiss, his hips pushing up hard against me as he tipped his head back into the mattress.
“Jesus Christ,” he breathed out, my body rolling on top of his. The swollen head of his fully hardened cock slipped along my drenched slit, bumping right against my clit. My body jolted, a shiver rippling down my spine as my heated skin stuck to his, my breath hitching solid in my chest. I was completely dripping for him, my body weak; yearning and craving him as if I he was the only thing I would ever need again in my entire life. He was my weakness. His touch, his kiss, his body and heart and soul; everything. An uncontrollable weakness that could literally change it all.
Niall was my absolute, one and only weakness. And I had just now realized it.
Lazily slipping my center along his throbbing shaft, my wetness coated every part of him as we roughly rocked our hips back and forth against one another. His greedy fingers dug deep into the hot flesh at my sides, practically clawing at my skin as his nails dragged down over my hips. My eyes screwed shut and my nose pushed into the dip below his ear as my chest rose high, pulling in a deep shaky breath. That sweet smell of him once again filled my senses. He smells so fucking good.
With my knees pressing into the mattress at either side of his body, my thighs shook as I lifted my hips up slightly, my lips pausing at the slick skin of his neck. His fingers dragged down over my hipbone, my breath catching in my throat as I felt them barely brush over my clit and slide down in between our bodies, firmly wrapping his hand around the base of his cock. Grabbing at the side of his jaw, I moved my head up to rest against his, my eyes still closed tight as the heat of our mixed breaths slowly began to fill each others parted mouths.
Tapping the sensitive head of his cock against my clit, I shuddered in a tiny giggle before he slipped his free hand over my bum to roughly grope at the round of my ass as he slowly pushed his leaking tip against my opening. Entirely too eager and desperate for him, I frantically whined into his hot mouth, rolling my hips down as I begged to have him inside me. Yanking his hand out from between my legs, my entire body was vibrating, the pulse of his achingly hard cock teasing me as he gripped tight to my hip and let me ease myself down onto him. I gasped in an erratic breath as I sunk down onto his length, his comfortable thickness stretching my swollen inner walls. With my kiss bitten lips grazing his, his strong arms hooked around my lower back to let my body form perfectly around him.
I curled my hands around his head and rested up on my elbows, my fingers flitting into his thick bleached hair. He nudged his nose to mine, the tender movement making me slowly open my eyes to lock my half lidded stare to his. I watched his red tinged cheeks puff up as he smiled, the genuinely sweet look on his face making the heat ruffle in my tummy. Slipping my jittery fingertips across his damp hairline to lightly brush it away, I breathed out a hushed shallow giggle.
“You feel so good inside me, Ni,” I softly cooed out, his eyes fluttering briefly as I began to pull my hips back to grind down on him. Sweet mother of God.
My eyes rolled back in my head, his one hand running up the arched slope of my back as he messily tangled his thick fingers into the back of my hair. Pushing his mouth to mine, he kissed me, harder this time, to match the uneven rocks of my hips as I began to ride him, pulling him almost all the way out of me to bounce right at his tip.
“Fuck…oh-…fuck,” he groaned out into my parted mouth, the reaction making me smirk against his lips. His hand cupped around the back of my head, his nose pushing into the side of my cheek as he deepened the kiss. “God, I fuckin’…l-love…how good you taste,” he murmured as he licked along the inside of my mouth, “Missed you…so much, baby.”
Me. He missed me. Not just being with me, not just fucking me, but missed me. And that single thought made the raptures of my heart pound out against his own, the beats matching solid with our heavy breaths.
Moving faster against him, I whimpered weakly as I slid my sticky lips from his, dropping my face down into the warm tuck of his neck. He held onto me, letting me move against him, my hips rolling as I fucked him. Pushing my face into his skin, my hot breath panted out as my fingers clawed into his hair, my mouth blindly searching for that perfect little spot right up under his stubbled jaw. He groaned loudly as I got faster, his hands uncurling from my hair and running down the curves of my sides to grip around my hips. My ass bounced high, my flesh bulging between the spread of his fingers as they dug into my skin, desperate to keep a handle on me.
I could feel his pulse quicken against the press of my lips, his clammy chest sticking to mine as my body worked on top of him, eager to bring him right over the edge. I just wanted to feel him; feel his body tense and quiver against mine, feel him swell up inside me as he slowly filled my center with his warmth. Feel him come for me, his heated body uncontrollable and at my mercy, feel his breathing ease as he came down again. I missed feeling him. I missed being with him.
And I didn’t even realize how much until the sweat began to bead up across my forehead, my body becoming damp, heaving and overworked as I rocked my hips as fast as I could, sloppily fucking him with everything I had.
“Des..” he whispered out, voice rocky in his throat. I felt his large hands loosen from around my hips and slide up to sit at the small of my waist, “Des…”
I choked out a breath, my throat dry and my broken whines crackling past my lips as he turned his face towards me, his mouth pushing into the mess of my dark hair that was bunching up between our faces, “Honey…slow…slow d-down,” he breathed into my ear.
My eyes eased open, my wild panting breaths across his sweat coated neck the only thing I could hear past the rapid beat of my heart as my hips slowly came to a stop. I laid still, my lungs expanding as I tried to catch my breath, my chest sticking to his. I felt the brush of his lips at my shoulder as he leaned his head forward, gathering his own jumbled breaths and pushing a kiss to my skin. Feeling my center pulse around him, my body coiled up as he thrust his hips up just a bit, enough to let me feel the pull of his cock against my inner walls and cause a whimper to push from my throat. Slipping my fingers from his hair, I flattened my hands to the duvet on either side of his head and shakily raised myself up, locking my elbows as I lazily peered down at him. His head crashed back down to the mattress, half lidded lust filled stare glued to mine as I eased my hands, one by one, over his shoulders to lay right at his pecs. Slowly pushing my body to sit straight up on him, his thumbs dug into the front of my lower tummy, guiding me as my back arched and his entire length slowly filled my swollen heat. I let out a low hiss, my eyes pinching shut and my mouth falling open as he buried himself deep inside me, deeper than I had ever felt him before.
“Oh my God,” I breathed out, the flutters of my orgasm just barely trickling in my lower tummy. Gently swirling my hips, I tried to resist, tried to hold back from wanting to feel him fucking up into me, but I couldn’t. I fucking needed him. My fingers curled up into the heated skin of his sweaty chest as my I rolled my head forward, my dark hair falling across my face. I felt the brush of his fingers sweep across my forehead, his heart pounding against the palm of my hand as I slowly opened my eyes to catch his stare again.
His blond hair was a wild fucking mess, cheeks mottled red and dotted with his dark freckles while his lips were bright pink and puffy from my assault on them. His eyes were glazed over and dilated black, boring straight into mine. “Why me?” he whispered, his turned down mouth barely parted.
Knitting my brows, I swirled my hips against him again, even slower this time just to feel the tip of his cock press deep inside me. “Huh?”
“Why me?” He repeated in a similar tone.
“ ‘Cause…’cause you’re Niall,” I said to him, my voice weak as I slowly rocked back and forth on him, “You know m-me.”
I watched a smirk tug at his pink lips and felt the slide of his rough hands moving up over the front of my tummy and slip to my back, his fingers fumbling with the hook of my bra. With my stare still fixated on his, he gently pulled the straps off my shoulders and tugged my bra down my arms, letting it drop off the end of the bed. My arms slung down by my sides as I sat straight up on him again, my head tipping to rest on the hunch of my shoulder.
Pressing his splayed hands at the tops of my bare thighs, my hips swirled down against him, his eyes fluttering from the feeling as he dragged his warm hands over my soft skin. “You,” I mumbled as I felt the pressure of his thumbs press into my pubic bone, one slipping down to caress at my sensitive clit, “ ‘Cause when you t-touch…me,” I strained to continue, his hands now pushing deep into my quivering skin, tracing up the curves of my body to grope at my breasts, “I…I can’t stop sh-shaking…”
My words barely edged from my throat as my eyes rolled back in my head, his hands pulling at my breasts and thumbing across my pert nipples. “You’re so fuckin’ sexy,” he breathed out, his one hand traveling up to curl around my neck as I let my head lag back, my hips grinding deeper against him. “Gorgeous fuckin’ body…”
“You’re killing me right now,” I managed to squeak out under my breath. His other hand slid back down to grasp at my hip, holding onto me as he loosened his grip on my throat and dragged his palm straight down the valley of my breasts all the way to my cup around my heat. My eyes squeezed shut as a loud whine slipped past my lips, “Oh God,” I whimpered, my chest heaving as I struggled to pull in a breath, his thumb rubbing gentle circles over my sensitive clit, “Please don’t ever s-stop touching…me…”
I heard a short chuckle break through the otherwise stark quiet of the room. “I won’t,” he whispered back to me, accent thick on his tongue as his hand slipped back up the plane of my body. My hips moved faster, my walls clenching around his throbbing shaft as I began to grind harder on him. Feeling the tips of his two fingers inch up over the jut of my chin, he tugged at my bottom lip, my mouth instinctively falling open for him. Enticing his fingers into my mouth, my tongue lagged out to lick across the tips of them, his other hand gripping tighter to my hip with each little tease, his short fingernails practically breaking through my tender skin as they dug into my bone.
Humming out as I bared my throat to him, I felt the warmth of his thick fingers press across the flat of my tongue, my lips curling around his knuckles as he slipped his fingers all the way into my mouth. Sucking at them, I slowly rolled my head forward again, my eyes easing open to stare down at him. I could see his chest heaving as he watched me take his two fingers, gagging slightly as he slid them a bit too far down my throat. His tongue ran out across his lips, my hips pushing down on him as I rocked them forward, tiny swirls matching the pumps of his fingers on my hot tongue. “Holy shit,” he breathed out, his upper body lifting as he wrapped his free arm around my middle and sat himself up.
Slipping his wet fingers from my mouth, he curled them around the back of my neck, roughly pulling me into a kiss. Letting out a garbled moan, I raked my fingers down his sides, clawing at his pale heated skin as he thrust up into me, determined to meet the uneven rocks of my hips. I could feel my center begin to clench, the heat swirling in my lower tummy as my body slowly began to edge up on its release. “Please…” I muttered out against his tongue, my fingernails digging into the skin of his waist.
His mouth slipped from mine, my head falling back again to rest on my shoulders as I let a loud moan slide out past my dry lips. His tongue ghosted across the jut of my throat, dipping down into the hollow of my neck. My skin melted like ice under the hot press of his mouth, whimpers breaking off my tongue as his lips skimmed down over my collarbones to suck at the swells of my breasts. Rocking my hips into him, feeling that enticing pull of his cock inside me, I began to feel a thick haze drift around me, my eyes pinching shut as the warmth of my orgasm started to swarm through the entirety of my trembling body.
“Oh my God,” I whined out, my hands fumbling to slip over his ribs and press to the front of his clammy chest, “Oh my-”
His body rocked harder against me; his own attempt to fuck into me and teeter me right over that edge that we both knew I was so damn close to. My heart was thumping in my chest, positive he could feel it against his tongue as he licked over my skin, pausing briefly to breathe out a few curse words against my quivering breast.
Putting my hands flat on his chest, I gently pushed him back, my head lagging forward to lazily lock my dark eyes on his as he tipped his face back to look at me. Giggling wildly as we both crashed back on the bed, my mouth smashed to his in a frantic kiss, my fingers gripping around his neck as he grabbed ahold of my rolling hips.
I rode him harder, my breaths pelting out into his hot open mouth, matching the bouncing of my ass as I pulled back and fucked right at his tip again. With my stomach tensing and the tingles of my orgasm making my skin go numb, I knew I couldn’t hold off much longer. I knew if I kept kissing him, letting him sweep his hot tongue in my mouth, feeling that thick tip of his cock hit right at my g-spot, I was not going to last much longer at all. He felt fucking perfect inside me. All that I could ever want.
With his sticky palm curiously sliding over the round of my ass, I gasped for breaths, scraping my nails into his blotchy skin as I worked him as hard as I could. His body rolled against mine and I choked back a moan as I felt the pad of his finger slip down to feel at my back entrance.
My body froze for a moment, the tiny twirl and dip of his finger making me gulp in a breath as I desperately swallowed back the broken whimpers, pushing my face down against the curve of his shoulder. Biting at my lip, I began moving against him again, his thick ridged cock sliding in and out of me as I grinded down on the slightly curved length. Filling me to the brim and stretching me like I could only dream of, my eyes rolled back as he leaned his head up to watch his fingers tenderly play at my backside.
“Holy fuck,” I muttered with a held breath, a chuckle rumbling from his throat as he eased his hand away, sliding it back to sit at my hip and nudging my cheek with his nose to find my mouth in a kiss.
Tipping his head back into the mattress, I could feel his body start to coil up, his fingers digging into the flesh at the sides of my hips as his wet lips briefly slipped from mine. “Fuck…Oh, God,” he breathed out, my eyes shooting open to stare down at him. My hands pinched around his throat, fingers resting right at the sides of his jaw as he screwed his pretty blue eyes closed, his face becoming a patchy bright red. Pressing his large hands into my body, he thrust his hips up, pushing himself all the way inside me. I let out a whine against the edge of his stubbled jaw, my heaving breaths blowing out against our sweat coated skin as I continued to rock my hips against him. “Fuck, Des…I’m gonna…co-”
Slipping my hand up from his neck, I grabbed around his chin, yanking his face flush with mine. Popping his eyes open, his pink lips parted slightly and I could feel his warm breath filling my open mouth as we locked stares. My dark hair fell over the sides of our faces, our hearts pounding against our chests.
“I wanna come with you,” I breathed out to him, my broken words sweetly filling his mouth. His eyes fluttered as they darted with mine and I felt the slight drag of his large hands as he ran them up my back; one wrapping around my body and the other slipping off my trembling skin. The heat of the room fell stagnant around us, the only air I could breathe was that which was coming from him. It was sticky and dense, heavy in my lungs and the combination was making me feel lightheaded. My entire body was starting to fall into mindless movements, trying to hold off on succumbing to the intense feelings he was providing me.
His hips pushed up against me some more, fucking up into me as he sensed my body beginning to tire above him. Pushing his free hand between us, my breath caught in my throat as I felt his two fingers slip down to rub at my clit. My body careened against him, coiling up as my eyes rolled back in my head and a low moan slipped past my lips. Holy shit.
I began to shake uncontrollably, my hips stopping all their movements on top of him as he pushed himself up into me, swirling his hips as he rubbed at my clit. My breathing halted, my eyes squeezing shut so tight, the pitch black bled through with uncontrollable force. Nails scraping at his skin, my mouth hung open, my body quivering as the tip of his cock pressed right at my sweet spot, over and over, coaxing me right to that edge that I had been craving all fucking night.
My lungs pleaded with me to take a breath, burning as I held it tight and my face grew blistering red. Tingles shot through my entire body and I finally gasped in a jagged breath, falling into a shaking heap overtop of him as his cock thrust into my pulsing center and his rough fingers continued to ease me through my orgasm.
“Oh God, oh god, oh god…” I mumbled against his open mouth, his lips swallowing my tiny cries as he pulled his hand out from between us and cupped it around the back of my head. My overworked body continued to tremble, my orgasm long and hard as I gulped in shaky breaths and felt his cock bury deep inside me, his hips stalling for a moment.
Twisting his fingers in the thick of my hair, my eyes eased open to lock on his as he pressed his sticky forehead to mine, both of us silent as we swallowed our panting breaths. His fingers dug into my skin, his body tensing and burning underneath me as I felt his cock going ridged against my inner walls.
Darting his heavy lidded eyes with mine, he came inside me, tiny whines slipping out of his mouth and pushing into mine as he tightened his grip on me, holding me as close to his body as he could. I struggled to breathe, letting his white warmth fill me up as he rocked his hips just a bit with each perfect spurt. My eyes fluttered at the feeling, our mixed orgasms inside me coating the both of us as he lazily let himself slip in and out of me. Tiny thrusts made me shudder against him, giggling from the oversensitivity, the soreness already setting in as he tipped his chin to finally press a tender kiss to my mouth.
“Fuck,” I muttered between jumbled breaths, our bodies now falling lax as I skimmed my lips off of his and let my face tuck down into the side of his. He let out a chuckle, husky in his dry throat as he softly pet his hand down my hair, using the pads of his fingers to brush the slightly damp hair away from my face.
Nuzzling my nose against the side of his neck, my eyes fell closed, fully satisfied and content as I lightly breathed him in. I could feel his fingers trace over my still quivering skin, ghosting along the curves of my back as he held onto me, his face turning to push his mouth to my ear. “I don’t wanna fuck anyone else,” he whispered to me, the words causing a tiny smile to tug at my lips. “You are all I ever want.”
I could literally feel my heart swelling in my chest, the happiness soaring through me and for the first time I could understand why. I felt perfect with Niall. A perfectness that I didn’t even think was possible up until this point, a perfectness that I didn’t even know was missing. However wrong it might be, however fucked up this was, it didn’t matter. With Niall, I felt everything. Everything that was intended to be felt when you were with someone. And I felt that with him.
Breathing out a sigh, I pushed my mouth to the warm dewy skin of his neck before shakily lifting my body off of him. Catching his stare as he turned his head to look at me, I gave him a smile and gently let him fall from me, both of us hissing in a small breath as I unhooked my legs from around his hips. Plopping down on the bed beside him, he ran a hand through his messy hair before slapping it to his chest, my naked body rolling to my side to curl around him. He tightened his arm around my body, tugging me close against him and letting his fingers curl up to just brush at the dip of my side.
Nudging at the side of his chest with my nose, I slung my arm over his upper body, feeling the wild thumping beat of his heart against the inside of my arm. We stayed quiet for a moment, watching the lights from the street below dance across his ceiling every time a car went by as we calmly settled our breaths. I never thought just laying with someone, having their body heat molding to yours, feeling their heartbeat and listening to their breaths; I never thought that I could be so at peace in a moment like this. That I could feel so whole and alive. So perfect.
Niall did that for me and, at that moment, I had no idea if I even did that for him. And that thought was truly so scary.
“So, um,” I spoke up, finally breaking the serene silence with my creaky voice, “How many girls have been in your bed?”
My eyes went wide at my own question, my usually nonexistent filter with Niall causing the words to spit from my mouth before I even knew what the hell I was saying. Pinching my eyes shut, I turned my embarrassed face further into him and buried it against the warmth of his chest. I felt the bed shake as he rumbled out an amused chuckle.
“Huh?”
Not being able to save myself from this terribly awkward moment, I kept my face pushed into his skin, shaking my head lightly as I blew out a heavy breath. “How, uh…how many girls have been in your…bed,” I stammered out.
He let out another loud laugh and I could feel his arm raise up to rouch through his messy hair once more. “I don’t know, Des, I…don’t really count ‘em…”
“You’ve shagged a lot of girls then?” I mumbled, biting at my lip as my genuine curiosity was now getting the best of me. I knew Niall slept around, I knew he had been with girls over the years that I’d known him, but I really had no idea how many or if any of them…actually meant anything to him.
Feeling the bed shift as he turned his face to look down at me, I gently raised my head up from the safety of his chest, finally catching his stare. “Have ya shagged a lot of guys?” He asked me, his blue eyes darting with mine.
“I asked you first,” I snipped, resting my chin against the side of his pec, “And…no.” Raising his brows, his lips turned down slightly as he nodded his head and flicked his eyes back up to the ceiling.
“Fair enough,” he mumbled, staring straight ahead, “Well, I guess it all comes down to what you consider a lot.” My eyes filtered down over his sharp profile before he turned his face and looked back down at me, “It doesn’t matter though, that’s all in the past, petal.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded gently as I kept my eyes on him. “Did they mean anything to you?”
Narrowing his eyes slightly, he softly traced them over my features. “Some of ‘em, yeah. Why…why are’ya so interested?”
Dropping my stare, I lightly shrugged up my shoulder, dragging my hand across his chest to sit right at the middle to let my fingers gently twirl into the dark hairs. “I don’t know, I guess…I guess I was just wondering if, like…if you ever made them feel the way you make me feel.”
“How do I make ya feel, Des?”
Licking at my lip, I tucked my bottom one in between my teeth and glanced back up at him. “Happy. Alive. Really good.” The last words came out as a whisper, followed by a tiny smile.
I watched a smirk tug at the corner of his mouth, his arm tightening around my back to pull me in closer. “Doesn’t even compare to what I have with you, Des,” he mumbled, tipping his head to rest his cheek on my forehead, “None of them meant that much to me, not like with you.”
I breathed out a chuckle as I looked back down at my hand, “Yeah, you say that to all the girls don’t you..” I joked, playfully pulling at his chest hairs.
“Yup.”
Gasping lightly, I knitted my brows and rolled my lips in my mouth. “Niall!”
He grumbled out a laugh, his fingers dragging over the skin of my back as he reached up to brush my hair from the side of my face. “Look at me,” he whispered, his soft words causing the flutters to swarm in my tummy as I tipped my face up to look at him. “You know me,” he said, his voice low as he darted his eyes with mine, “I don’t say shit just to say it. I mean every single word I tell you.”
“I know,” I breathed out, faintly shaking my head as I flicked my stare from his, “I just…I get kinda jealous when I think about you with other girls…which is so…stupid.”
Letting out a breath, he pressed his lips in a line. “It’s not stupid, Des, but to be fair….now you know how I feel every fuckin’ day.”
Tucking my face back down, I gently let my eyes fall closed, slipping the palm of my hand over the warmth of his chest. “I’m sorry, Ni,” I muttered, swallowing hard, “I guess I never thought about what it was like for you. Watching Liam and I. Being around us all the time. And now….” I let out a sigh as I peered back up at him, “When I heard you went on that date..I-I felt hurt and angry and jealous and, God, I know I don’t have the right to feel that way-”
“Des, you can have feelings for me, okay? I have feelings for you and neither of us can change that,” he stated, his voice soft, “But really, ya gotta understand that if you’re gonna be with Liam…you can’t ever really fully be with me.”
The words stung like a thousand wasps attacking me, my face wincing back and burying against the side of him again for fear that he could tell. But he was right. If I was going to remain with Liam, who I was in love with, then I couldn’t be with Niall completely and it was selfish of me to expect that of him.
“I know,” I choked out, the hesitation in my voice clearly evident by Niall as he pushed his lips to my forehead, giving me a sweet kiss.
“It’s your decision, Des,” he whispered, his mouth just hovering at my skin as his soft words filled the small space between us, “It’s always your decision, but ya keep doin’ this back and forth shit…and to be honest, it’s really fuckin’ me up.”
My eyes squeezed shut and I leaned my body closer against him, wrapping my arm all the way over his torso to pull myself as close into him as I could get. I never wanted to let him go. Ever. “If you wanna keep doin’ what we’re doin’,” he continued, “I’m okay with that…fuck, I want that! But you can’t keep changin’ your mind on me, Des….it’s too much for me hear-…” He paused, his words cutting short as he cleared his throat, “I need to know-…I just…I need to know.”
Rolling my lips into my mouth, I pulled in a deep breath, tickling the tips of my fingers down over the bumps of his ribs. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” I confessed softly, my face still tucked down against him. “I can’t stop wanting to be with you. Like…like every second of every day, Ni, I’m thinking about us being together,” I let out a sigh, my hot breath blowing out and causing slight goosebumps to pop up over his skin, “I’m a terrible person.”
“You’re not a terrible person,” he shot back, his voice a bit stern, “You’re just…stuck.”
I shook my head. “At this point, I don’t think I could stop even if I wanted to.”
His fingers dragged down the slope of my back as he tucked his other arm up behind his head. “You’re addicted to me,” he commented, the smugness evident in his voice. Shooting my stare up to his face, I watched as he smirked and peered down at me through the corners of his eyes.
“Yeah, well, you’re a shitty drug,” I quipped with a hearty laugh.
“I’m a cheap high.”
I gave him a smile, reaching up with my hand to cradle around his jaw as he tipped his face towards me, letting my fingers gently caress at his pale skin. “You’re a fucking fantastic high,” I whispered.
Tipping my chin, I shifted to push my mouth to his, feeling him lift his head slightly to meet me in the kiss. He brought his hand over to cup around the back of my head, holding me as his lips moved sweetly with mine, tongue barely sweeping into my mouth before he slipped away from the kiss. “I didn’t seal the deal, ya know,” he breathed out, my head plopping back down on his shoulder to peer up at him. His fingers combed through my tangly hair, his eyes following as he brushed it behind my ear. “I didn’t even bring her home. All I thought about was you…the entire time.”
My stare fell over his face as he glanced back at me, the warmth between us changing with each solid beat of our hearts. I breathed out a smirk, my tongue jutting out to lap across my lips. “Now who’s addicted?” I teased him, watching his jaw cock to the side as his tongue flipped in his mouth.
Rolling his eyes, I let out a giggle and nuzzled my nose into the side of his neck. “Shut up, petal,” he grumbled, wrapping both his arms around my naked body.