And their children become their husbands, bed mates
It is something that is alien to our culture. But it is one of those stories that raise the hairs on your body. When mothers for whatever reasons chose to sleep with their sons or when fathers for some of the same unknown reasons or unimaginable cultures decide to sleep with their daughters, the society becomes worried at such developments. But as unreal as the stories may sound, they drop like a nickel once in a while- on our laps and we are shocked in surprise as our jaws drop in confusion. Could it be true? OLUWATOSIN OMONIYI, here explores the strange scenario that plays out when such events occur.
Abusrdity is when mothers marry their sons in the name of avoiding tradition. It is also weird when fathers sleep with their daughters in the name of tradition. Which is the better of the two evils? None, some would say! And some could take the latter. Indeed, none is good to the ear or to the eyes. But what will parents say of Florence Agbo (not real name), a single mother of five. She is six weeks pregnant for her son. On discovering who the father of her unborn child is, she said she just can’t quit.
“The deed has been done. I can’t abort this much wanted and cherished pregnancy and I won’t commit suicide because I’m pregnant for my son. I also do not wish my son/husband dead!” she said. In fairness to Agbo, fate has not been fair to her since she was a teenager. In fact, fate has been playing a cruel joke on her since her childhood. At 17, she was raped. She got pregnant from that encounter. She bore the shame and gave birth to a child she neither planned for nor wanted. Her parents came to her rescue and took away the child- a boy. She went her way, without knowing the son she bore. She left her parents and proceeded to fend for herself and make a living in the town. Just when she thought life has decided to be kind to her, when she travelled to another West African country, got married and bore four kids, evil luck resurfaced on her.
The man, she married and stayed with for 19 years, died in a car crash on a major high way along with the four children. That was two years ago. Florence was back to single life. She needed a man again, after leaving the country for another neighbouring one. She yearned for a man to hold. Her instinct was to date a young man, who would not marry her. She needed just a man to be with. She found Joseph, a young man in his late 20s. Joe, as she called him, was everything she desired in a fling. Tall, muscular and “strong”, Florence was in cloud nine again. She hit it off with the young man with abandon. Yet, fate lurked in the corner. She discovered that she was pregnant for Joseph, after about eight months into therelationship. That was when she asked questions she has not bothered to ask all along. What she discovered is better imagined. Indeed, the sweet Joe was her son- the one her parents took from her two decades ago. Her world came crashing again.
“It was as if the ground should open up for me to enter”, she said but remained stoic. “After all the things I have passed through in life. After losing my husband and four children in one day. How else can this world be cruel to me? And you want me to abort? My sister, even if it is death penalty, let me face this shame. I can’t abort this
child”, she said, looking far into the void, as tears streamed down her eyes.
For Florence, life has roughened her in a way that she wants to challenge her god. But she refuses to care. Rather she asked rhetorically- “Did I commit a heinous crime in my past life? Did I kill anybody then?How come anywhere I put my feet becomes trouble?”
While fate could be blamed for swaying Florence in different directions, it is not same for Mrs Anthonia Kachukwu, a mother of three boys. Her husband of about 34 years suddenly died. He was a rich man. In his lifetime, he was a successful businessman, who provided for her family and relatives. But soon afterhis death, the family made a wish, which Anthonia found difficult to fulfill. She was required by customto marry the younger brother of her husband.
Already, Ejike, the younger brother in question is married with two children. But he is not financially successful like her late husband. Meaning: Ejike will inherit her and the wealth left by her husband. Anthonia found the option difficult to accept. “Leave me; I will marry my first son, Tobenna”, she blurted out to the astonishment of all the kinsmen of her late husband. After much efforts at persuading her failed, she was left in the hope that her 32 year old son Tobenna was to take care of her and his siblings. But nobody could have predicted what Anthonia meant by marrying her son. One cold night, when she needed a man by her side, she dragged the boy to her bed. That was the beginning of her marriage to Tobe. It became a regular affair between mother and son. “I can’t imagine opening my legs to another man, not even my husband’s brother, whose only motivation is our money. I prefer having it with my son. The money is still in our house”, she said to the chagrin of the elders. The result of that affair is a six months pregnancy she was bearing when the scandal took a life of its own. A hush fell on the village as the reality of the abomination dawned on all.
While the aforementioned cases are stroke of fates and abnormal, culture seems to also have a hand in some of the weird practices. It is the customary practice of certain parts of Ondo State. The practice is that fathers sleep with their first daughters before marrying them off. So, it wasn’t strange when OkikiolaAdegoke(not real name) asked his first daughter,26, to bring his meal into his room one evening. The unsuspecting young lady hurriedly carried the meal to her father’s room. While inside the room, the father engaged her in a discussion and from there, one thing led to the other. He slept with Ikeoluwa. To Ikeoluwa, it was sacrilegious. She reported the issue to her mother, who warned her not to tell any other person. “My mom told me that it is part of our culture. It enables us to get firmly established in our matrimonial homes,” she said. The practice became a visa for both father and daughter. Almost every evening, her father would summon her to his room. But her father’s other wives were not comfortable with it. They felt it should be a one-off thing and then their husband would concentrate on them.Gradually, they saw her as a threat to their relationship with their husband.
Especially, as at 31, she was yet to be married or even get involved in a serious relationship. She wasn’t the only one her father slept with. He had it with four of his daughters from the other wives but it wasn’t as patronizing as Ikeoluwa’s.According to the wives, he had with it the other four girls and five months after; they got reasonable suitors and got married. But Ikeoluwa’s status is what they could not understand. “Is it deliberate that she didn’t want to get married or the father enjoys her so much that he prefers her on bed to us? Could there be something between them both that is not known to others?” Whatever it was, the five wives couldn’t bear it any longer. The act frustrated Ikeoluwa’s mother out of the matrimonial home and the remaining wives went to report to the elders of the village. At the forum, Adegoke said he expected his wives to have come to term with him and his daughter’s relationship! He said he discovered that they both(father and daughter) love themselves. Hence, he decided to go with it. Little wonder, Ikeoluwa became overly pampered with wealth and material things. Four times a year, she travels overseas. She had a fleet of cars; she has 16, and a three bedroom bungalow built for her by father. He also built a large shopping complex for her. In her father’s house, she lives in opulence. What else does she want?! The verdict of the forum however was that whoever cannot stand it should leave. He promised to pay attention to the wives but that is if they stayed. Weird, it sound but that is life for some people.
Adegoke is not alone in that peculiar culture. A popular musician in that town was speculated to be sleeping with his daughters before marrying them off. It was emphasised that he deflowered them. For those who run off without sleeping with him, they come back with a strange ailment or have a turbulent marriage. But the moment he has with them, everything becomes alright.
According to Grace Essen, founder of mom-to- mom Support Initiative,the reason some mothers engage in such perversion with their sons are multi-faceted. She said it could be as a result of some deep rooted problems for which she has not found solutions to. She said that when a mother marries her own son, it is considered a taboo in our society, any way you look at it. ” It is unheard of, and to a large extent, disgusting. But we must look at possible root causes of such acts. Why would a mother marry her own son? Some cases have been found to be by mistake, which when discovered, brought about an end to such marriages. But others are intentionally carried out in most cases by the women involved. Some have said that is their way of fighting back or defending themselves from cultures and traditions that are very harsh or considered not to be in their best interests.
“For instance, when a widow is being forced to marry one of her husband’s brothers and she is not sure what the fate of her children will be since her new husband will take over her late husband’s estate; remember she might be prohibited from marrying anyone outside the family. So, she is forced to take the next convenient way out of the situation, which to her is to marry her son. She is aware she will be ridiculed for marrying her son, but she has made up her mind to live with it than marry any of her brothers-in-law. She may have been a victim of very abusive relationships whereby men treated her very badly which might also include the father of the son in question. In such situations, the son is likely to become the shoulder for her to cry on, and he might is some cases, stand up to defend her. So she begins to see him as different from other men who haven’t treated her well. She has that trust that he will never hurt her, and so she holds firmly unto him because her fears and insecurities prevent her from seeking such relationship outside.”
She added, “While we might conclude in a hurry that some cases may be out of selfishness of the women involved, such as the case of the 40 year old woman in Zimbabwe who married her son, and at the time of the wedding was said to be six months pregnant for him. She was quoted to have said that she raised him alone after the death of her husband and so she had the right to his money and no other woman was entitled to it. But beneath the ‘selfishness’ lie insecurity and fear of being left on her own”
According to pastor Timothy Egwuowu, it is abomination and satanic. He said both the fathers and mothers who commit the sacrilegious practice have gone against the instituted order of God. He referred to the Biblical injunction on marriage and incest. As far as he is concerned, those children’s lives and homes have been compromised. His advice is that they should all seek the face of God, ask for forgiveness and turn a new leaf.