Bullingdon Club president Cornelius Michaels has told fellow club members that a dare placed by some of its former members to destroy the UK within 12 months of wining the general election has been too close to call and has declared the contest an honourable draw.
Speaking to the all-male dining club at a champagne breakfast held in honour of the contestants, the ‘Bullingdon General’ said all three former alumni had covered themselves in glory over the past few months, each successfully completing the dare allocated to them both on time and within Club rules and it had been jolly well impossible to declare an outright winner.
David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson had drawn straws to see who would get which task. Cameron won the dare of taking the UK out of Europe and destroying our standing in the world, Osborne was tasked with asset stripping the nation and enriching the elites and Johnson was asked to destroy the Conservative Party and render the UK ungovernable.
‘The speed at which the contestants had completed the wheeze was a credit to not only them but to all Bullingdon Club members – past and present,’ said Michaels. ‘I had no doubt these three spiffing chaps would be able to complete the various dares but I must admit I was a little surprised at how easily the jape had been achieved. Personally I blaming the weak and spineless underclasses for being so pitifully compliant.’
Dressed in the customary navy tailcoat and sky blue silk bow-tie, Michaels added: ‘Quite possibly this even surpasses a dare placed in 1916 on the battlefields of France when a group of Old Etonians had bragged about how many men they could send to their slaughter in one day. ‘I’m sure we will still be marking this occasion in 100 years’ time, just like our fathers and their fathers have done before us.’
Gerontius