It's a result beloved of stattos and pub quizzers all around the country: on the 12th of September 1885, Arbroath took on the hapless cricket team Bon Accord - who'd been invited to participate in the Scottish Cup by mistake - and hammered 43 goals past them, seven of which were disallowed by the referee, resulting in a final score of 36-0. Although it was surpassed in 2002 by a match in Madagascar which finished 149-0, all of them own goals (in retrospect, the visitors really shouldn't have chosen that game to hand a professional debut to Roger Johnson), Arbroath have remained the British champions of punishing comedy defending for 129 years.
But their ghosts may well decide to hover over the Hawthorns this Sunday and see how well Pepe Mel's much-vaunted "high line" copes against Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suarez. Tip: if smoke starts pouring out the back of the scoreboard, all is not well on the good ship Albion.
"Saido, I want you on the bench again this weekend. I know it's frustrating, but Keith and Dean have informed me all about your medical condition. I must say, I had no idea it was even possible for a person who plays more than twenty minutes of football a week to turn into a pumpkin."
I'm not going to dwell too much on the Villa disaster - which we shall hereafter refer to merely as That Night - or on the transfer window, save to say that I'm happy to see us bring in a pacy player, even if his hairstyle is worryingly reminiscent of Jay Simpson. I'd be amazed if there's a single Albion fan out there who, after That Night, wants to see Lugano and Reid remain in the side at the expense of McAuley and Jones, unless the latter pair are genuinely not in a condition to play. I'm also concerned that after a tentatively positive start against Everton and the brief burst of hope that accompanied it, spirits have plummeted to rock bottom among fans again. I won't lie; the last few days have shaken my confidence too, and at the moment I'd snap your hand off for 17th place come May, but now is exactly the time we need to be supporting the team, not just in the must-win games but also - perhaps most importantly - in the ones where a hammering might be on the cards.
Of course, the players need to reciprocate with maximum effort of their own, and Pepe Mel has to scramble up that Premier League learning curve as quickly as he can. Whether he has the correct tools at his disposal or not is, I suspect, a discussion that'll crop up a lot in the weeks and months to come. But we need to make the best of what we've got and fight for every point. If the thought depresses you, just remember: for better or worse, it's the Albion way.
Of his many academic failings, Daniel's teachers always felt most disappointed by his consistent inability to master the basics of "I'm A Little Teapot".
Ah, Liverpool. One of those clubs, up there, sort of near the top of the league but not actually anywhere near winning it unless the teams above them fall foul of a mass outbreak of leprosy. They'll most likely make Champion's League qualification this season, and that'll be hailed as some kind of glorious success unparalleled in, ooh, a whole five years of Liverpool history. And with it will come the money to further shore up the status quo in the Premier League, and to poach more youth players from clubs in the same division as them purely for the sake of it.
What would Bill Shankly say if he could see the Premier League? Nothing good, I'd bet, and not just because Liverpool have never won the bloody thing. I think he'd have had some strong words to say about how intrinsic inequality not only limits opportunities for those stuck at the bottom of the heap, but also damn near eliminates the spirit of fair competition which sport (and dare I say, life?) is all about. He'd probably wonder why ordinary Kopites weren't out on the streets or shouting from the terraces, demanding big changes in English football. More to the point, he'd probably wonder why Albion fans weren't either.
Sorry about the soapbox, folks. But if anyone feels any differently about the state of English club football in the year 2014, I'd be very interested to hear why.
Classic Match
West Bromwich Albion 2-0 Liverpool
Football League First Division: 7th February 1981
If you find the present depressing beyond the remedial capabilities of modern medicine, there is, of course, always the past. February 1981, and the champions of England and European champions-to-be are in for a harsh wake-up call in B71. No £35m strike partnerships. No silly goal celebrations. No attempts to cannibalise opposition defenders. Just two great sides of the era going head to head, and the best team winning.
Paradise.