Team GB's Car Alter-Egos
It struck me the other day (ouch) that the tea-fuelled brainstorming behind my articles normally settles on something rather dry, or rather serious, or rather angry (particularly in my track design rant just recently). So this time, I've decided to do something a little different, and with any luck a little more light-hearted. It does involving talking about the Olympics a bit more, but hey, I don't suppose anyone minds that too much, do they? Except for the cynics who decried it as a capitalist monster; if you're one of them, either put aside such prejudices or hit the back button on your browser right now. Today, I'm not in the mood for cynicism. Rich coming from me, I know, but hey.
Anyway, this piece was inspired by two things - the Pixar movie 'Cars', which every petrolhead of any age should see at least once in their life, and the excellent Savage Steel Custom Minifigs site, which specialises in making custom-made Lego minifigures of pretty much any sportsman or woman of any sporting discipline you so choose, and for the Olympics made a miniature Lego minifigure version of every single Team GB gold medallist. Both of them are immature and not for the stern of face and the cold of heart, but as I said before, such bastions of grumpiness aren't welcome round these here parts. Fired by Lego athletes and talking cars, my imagination is in the mood to have some fun, by asking the simple question: if our Olympians were to take on car form, what cars would they be?
This is by no means a definitive list, and the criteria for each selection I'll admit varies from athlete to athlete. With any luck, though, this'll stir some of the big kids among you and prompt you to think of your own ideas for this theme. As I said, a bit of car-based fun.
Jessica Ennis - Mini Cooper S
Let's start with the anointed poster girl of the Games, the athlete under perhaps the most pressure and who responded to all this hefty weight upon her shoulders by annihilating the heptathlon and romping to gold; the pride of Sheffield, Jessica Ennis. She came to represent the entire feel-good mood of a nation, the plucky British spirit, and extraordinary versatility by winning 6 of the 7 events, destroying her fierce (and much taller) Eastern European rivals in the process. Just like the much-beloved Mini Cooper, which could look cute for the cameras, sum up the era where Britain was the coolest place to be, go onto a racetrack and defeat touring cars with five times it's horsepower and take to a rally stage and beat all comers on any surface at any time in any place. Oh, and it could jump long distances, as it proved in the Italian Job. In fact, I think the only thing the little Mini couldn't do was throw a javelin, but hey, they all said Jess couldn't throw a javelin that well didn't they?
Mo Farah - Ford GT40 Mk2
Bear with me on this one. I can already hear you saying 'Ford isn't British!' But the GT40 was a beating American heart of raw muscle which came to Britain and in a joint effort with the very British Lola racecar company evolved into one of the greatest endurance/long-distance race cars in history, winning the Le Mans 24hrs four years straight from 1966-69. In the same way that Mo Farah arrived from Somalia when he was very young, already with the raw talent and genes to become a distance running legend, and proudly adopted the British flag on his rise to the very top of distance running, rinsing the field in both the 5,000m and 10,000m - Athletics' own answer to the Sebring 12hrs and Le Mans 24hrs. And he trained in America, so there's a tenuous American connection for you. Is it possible that those gullwing doors could be adapted to pull a Mobot?
Bradley Wiggins - Ford Escort Mk1
We can get away with Wiggo being a Ford for a similar reason; one of the biggest characters of the whole Games was actually born in Belgium, before being raised nearly his whole life in London. Everyone loved Wiggo, the everyman people's champion of the time trial, having already destroyed the epic Tour De France merely a week before. Casually. As you do. The Escort Mk1, the working class hero which also transpired to take the rally world by storm, is the ideal manifestation for Mr Wiggins. It even had sideburns! Well, mudflaps in this case. And extra lights on the front. Do they count as motorised sideburns?
Ed McKeever - Ascari KZ1-R
0-60 in 3 seconds flat? Outrageously fast acceleration? Sounds like the ideal manifestation of the man described as the 'Usain Bolt of the canoeing lake'.
Katherine Copeland & Sophie Hosking - Vauxhall VXR8
Unlike some of the other heroes of the Games, this dynamic duo weren't the most sophisticated or suave; the lasting memory of them is of Copeland staring at Hosking, mouth hanging open in shock, before screaming 'WE'RE GONNA BE ON A STAMP!' So no, not the classy figureheads of the Olympiad, but perhaps more likeable for it. Just like the simple and brutally powerful VXR8. Crude, not as elegant and refined as a Jaguar saloon, but awesome all the same. And it has brutal acceleration. Much like Messrs Copeland and Hosking, whom rinsed their lightweight double skulls final with astonishing efficiency.
Jade Jones - Ariel Atom
A car that hits the apex every time for the woman who hit the target (i.e. her opponent's face) every time. The Headhunter meets the Kerbhunter...or something. Dainty, petite and utterly lethal in combat, the Ariel Atom is just like Jones was described by the BBC commentators; a little beauty.
Alistair and Johnny Brownlee - MG Metro 6R4
Here the limitations of this theme are exposed - well obviously the MG can't swim, but if I was sticking that strictly to the criteria, my only option would be a car that didn't exist outside of a film - James Bond's swimming Lotus Esprit. The fact that the Metro 6R4 tackled water, mud, gravel and tarmac all at lightning speed over gruelling rally stages makes it the closest motoring connection to the awesome Brownlee brothers, who were fast in the water, even faster on bicycles and faster still on foot; elder brother Alistair taking gold, and younger brother Johnny still managing bronze despite a stop-go penalty.
Rebecca Adlington - Jaguar XJR-9
When the sleek Jag first burst onto the world racing scene, it romped to victory in the prestigious Le Mans 24hrs and took back-to-back World Endurance Championships. But so quick was progress back then that by the time it came to defend it's Le Mans title, it was already superseded by faster opposition from overseas, namely the monstrous Sauber C9, and came up short. This will sound familiar to those who have followed Rebecca Adlington's steller career, and her destruction of the 800m freestyle field four years ago was an awesome sight to behold. This time round, however, it was her turn to be blown away by a young prodigy from overseas. It's worth noting however that when the XJR-9 became outmoded, it morphed into the beastly XJR-11, which went back, gave the Saubers a right royal kicking, and reclaimed it's Le Mans crown. So, shelve that talk of retirement and get back in the pool Becky; there's hope for you yet.
Greg Rutherford - (Classic) Aston Martin V8 Vantage
Not the new V8 Vantage, but the classic, fastback one. Why? Well, do you remember how FAR James Bond managed to jump his one in The Living Daylights? It was if it had a rocket up it's...oh wait. Just like Rutherford and his high-flying heroics. And from a personal viewpoint, the old V8 Vantage isn't the first thing most people think of when you mention the name Aston Martin - just like Rutherford's name isn't the first one people remember when they think back to the monstrous 'Super Saturday', where Team GB picked up SIX gold medals in one glorious day. But Rutherford's underdog victory earned a special place in my affections - just like the awesome Aston, one of my personal favourite sports cars.
Victoria Pendleton - Aston Martin DBR9
A true heroine of the track who experienced near misses, bumps and barges, and a scorching rivalry, but still hung tough and gritted her teeth to sign off a stunning career in style. Oh, and most definitely easy on the eye as well. Mrs P was to the cycling velodrome what Ms Ennis was to the athletics track; the crowd favourite and a triumph in the face of adversity, going head-to-head with her fierce rival, Australian Anna Meares, time after time and never backing down. Just like the gorgeous DBR9, who also had a rival wearing bright yellow - the Chevrolet Corvette C6R. Between them they engaged in hard, fast combat over the years, and whilst the Corvette races on, the DBR9 has headed off into the sunset with two Le Mans 24hr victories and countless other race wins in it's back pocket. Happy retirement, Vicky; we're all proud of you. And you do look good in British Racing Green, it appears. Not that I have a mild crush on you or anything...nope. Not at all. Nuh-uh. Well okay, maybe a little one. Anyway, moving right along, to the heirs to Mrs P's throne...
Laura Trott, Dani King & Joanna Rowsell - Aston Martin V8 Vantage GT2
If anyone was worried about the next generation of female cyclists to take over from Vicky Pendleton, this terrific trio allied everyone's fears by storming to team sprint gold. That on it's own would've been impressive, before Laura Trott went on to snatch a stunning omnium gold in the final time trial round. So it makes sense for the heirs apparent to be represented by the heir apparent to the DBR9, which looks set to resume Aston Martin's rivalry with the Corvette boys from across the pond. Oh, and the little Vantage isn't bad on the eyes either. Much like Mrs Trott. Not that I have a...never mind.
Phillip Hindes & Jason Kenny - McLaren MP4-12C
Ruthlessly efficient at supreme speeds, Hindes and Kenny combined in the team sprint with a certain very decorated Olympian to blow away the French, before Kenny took on the Gaelic talisman Gregory Bauge; and trounced him again. The super-quick, super-sleek MP4-12C is an ideal choice. Also, it makes a good GT car; would explain why Laura V8 Vantage Trott is dating Mr Kenny, after all. Anyway, speaking of that very decorated Olympian...
Chris Hoy - McLaren F1 GTR
For a man at the top of his game for so long, a car at the top of the world for so long makes perfect sense. Hoy is the ultimate cycling machine, a terminator who once again refused to be defeated and conquered all-comers to proudly retire having defeated Sir Steve Redgrave's monstrous medal tally. The McLaren reigned supreme as the fastest production car in the world for over a decade, and dominated GT1 racing in the bargain in the late '90s. For the great man comes a truly great car. Happy retirement, Sir Chris. Oh come on, it's going to happen sooner or later.
And finally, an honourable mention for a man not British, but beloved by the British crowds all the same...
Usain Bolt - Chevrolet Corvette ZR1
And I'm also prepared to break my own rules for the fastest man in the world. But hey, he's the fastest man in the world - who cares? And to be fair, the Corvette does look good in Bolt's bright yellow paintscheme. I mean attire. You know what I mean. Anyway, everyone has a soft spot for the brutally fast 'Vette; even Jeremy Clarkson likes it, and that's saying something for a man who hates America almost as much Lewis Glynn hates chavs. It's also officially the fastest production car in the world across 1 mile at the Bonneville Salt Flats; automotive's sort-of equivalent of 100/200m. Ish. Basically, everyone loves Usain Bolt, and he's the fastest man in the world ever. Him as a laid back, rumbling sportscar that accelerates with the kind of torque that makes the planet spin faster makes perfect sense.
As I said earlier, this is up for provoking debate, so I want to hear your suggestions. When I discussed this with Mr Glynn, for example, we could only agree on one; that being injury-blighted Philips Idowu as a Jaguar XJ220. Made perfect sense to us. Anyway, as you can see, it's not even a complete list, so I want to hear your suggestions. Comment away, and/or tweet me at @AJBombersports. Until then, my eight-year-old self is going to enjoy the thought of athletes driving around in car form for a bit longer.