The choice to stay at home with your children or work outside of the home is becoming less and less of an option. Financial obligations can either force moms to save money on childcare by caring for children at home or turn to work outside of the home to support the family. The animosity between the two camps, though, has gained popularity and bitterness, with guilt and blame rearing their ugly heads and launching what is effectively known as the mommy wars.
The reality, though, is that moms in our culture do not have a great deal of support for the job of parenting, says Gina Hassan, San Francisco-based psychologist. “We all want to be the best parent we can be and are often unsure of what we are doing – there is no clear road map regarding which turn to take and how to get to the destination we all hope to arrive at, fostering happy, well-adjusted, successful adults.”
As they embark on the quest to successful parenting, many moms are realizing that investing time in fighting the Mommy Wars is a losing cause.
Mommy vs. Mommy
The animosity that exists between mothers who work inside the home and those who work outside is in part born from a sense of guilt, says Dayna Kurtz, New York-based postpartum specialist and licensed social worker. “In either case, most women are forced into a compromise, either having to, or wanting to, devote more time to a child or a career,” she says. “The inevitable result requires a sacrifice in one area – a woman who is home with a child serves as a constant reminder of that sacrifice to the woman in the workplace and vice versa.”
Unfortunately, where it may be more productive for mothers to support one another, the result is often resentment and antagonism, says Kurtz.
The Mommy Wars may also stem from a sense of guilt, says Dr. Jennifer Howard, New York-based psychotherapist and author of “Your Ultimate Life Plan.”
“This animosity can stem from both stay-at-home moms and working moms thinking that they’re choice is right, yet feeling incredibly guilty about that choice at the same time,” says Howard. “Although there are valid arguments in support of both choices, working mothers feel guilty about not being at home with their kids during the day and leaving babysitters or daycare workers to take their place, while full-time stay-at-home moms feel judged by the world and can lack a sense of expressing themselves in the world.”
Misconceptions can also further fuel animosity on both sides of the mommy wars. One of the most prominent misconceptions is the idea that the opposing side has made the wrong decision, says Kurtz. “It’s the belief that the career mother is depriving her child of her attention and that the at-home mother is not forwarding the advancement of women in the workplace,” says Kurtz. “The myth is that there is a right decision. The choices are deeply personal and need to be considered on a case-by-case basis.”
Stop the Cycle
According to Alyssa Johnson, Indiana-based licensed social worker and creator of The Vibrantly Live System, the mommy wars only tend to happen with moms who didn’t make an intentional decision. “If you don’t have a choice and have to work, then it’s easy to be resentful of the ‘pampered’ stay-at-home mom,” she says. “If you chose to stay at home out of guilt or pressure rather than a conscious choice, it’s easy to condemn the working mom for not being the martyr you feel you are being.”
In order to break the vicious cycle that fuels the mommy wars, Johnson suggests empowering moms to freely decide what is going to be best for them and making a choice that will serve them in being the best mom they can be.
There is no harder role in the world than being a parent, and we make motherhood so hard in our culture by setting the bar too high, says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Los Angeles-based psychologist.
Instead of drawing the battle lines, Durvasula suggests forming allies to diffuse the mommy wars. “Mothers who are at home with kids are not the ‘enemy’ of working mothers and should not be assumed to be judgmental; in fact, they may be wonderful allies,” she says. “Access the empathy – mom to mom, and they may be able to help you out in a tough spot during the week and you could return that favor on a weekend.”
Avoid taking sides, too, because you never know when your role may reverse. “Anyone doing a good job with their kids is a hero – whether they work or not,” says Durvasula. “Keep in mind that life takes twists and turns – you never know when you will end up on the other side of the debate.”