When I blinked awake at the first light of dawn on this first day of 2014, I glanced at my phone and saw a ping from a friend. She had a question – Did you make any New Year resolutions?
Of course I didn’t. I think New Year resolutions are a cliché, a waste of breath, governed by some regret from the ending year and a hope for the new year. And then I was going through some old write-ups and I dug up a piece I’d like to share with you. A satirical piece about resolutions that I wrote some years back (I think I was doing my NYSC then), and I hope you will now enjoy.
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When New Year started, most of us started putting into practice the resolutions that we will probably break by the time Easter swings by. We are only humans, after all. However, I have made five resolutions which I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to keep.
My first resolution is to quit being a Facebook junkie. When I think about all the money that I’ve flushed down the drain for the sake of purchasing laptop internet connections, MTN Data Plan, cybercafé browsing and Blackberry connections, I get the jitters. Then I ask myself: If I’d saved all that money, isn’t there a chance I could have been well on the way to being one of Forbes’ richest young entrepreneurs? That is, an entrepreneur from doing the business of…of…er…um…Well, that’s not the point! The point is, with the amount of time I’ve put into facebooking, I might as well be awarded a membership of its Board of Directors. <eyes suddenly gleaming with excitement> Uuuh, director! Imagine me chairing the affairs of…of…er…uh… [Hello? Walter] Yes, not the point either! The point is I’ve got to quit. And I’ll get started as soon as I’m done posting this note. Oh, and uh…after updating my status; and answering the notifications that’ll follow; and wrapping up my messages; and ogling Jane’s latest pics; and dissing Chrome, Kaynna, Nnamso and…well, Enobong? And…<breaking into sobs> I quit, goddamnit!
My second resolution is to be more honest to people. In Facebook [there’s that word again], I really must stop saying Kaynna looks dashing in his pics when in reality, he actually looks like a gutted stockfish. Oh wait, I did that already. I must stop pretending I’m all about being BFFs with a certain hottie in my life, when all I wanna do when I look into those bottomless brown eyes is grab a-hold. [Paparazzi and gossipy fellows, stay away from this comment!] And I have to stop telling some friends and relatives how much I miss them when I’m helping rear a huge Bull-Mastiff that is trained to rip their throats out should they come within 500 ft of my residence.
My third resolution is to be kinder to both humans and animals. When I’m in my place, starving, I really must stop thinking about the different ways to slaughter that chicken that keeps haughtily matching into my compound. When those begrimed, dusty-fingered beggarly children on the streets come towards me, imperiously snatching at my clothes, I should just ignore the dusty handprints on my neatly-pressed Versace T-shirt, smile warmly and hand them each 50-naira notes.
My fourth resolution is to be decent. I shall stop downloading sexy pictures of celebrities from the internet, and concentrate on downloading instead inspirational books authored by the likes of…em…er…Oh, what the hell! I’ll get someone to give me the names.
My fifth resolution is to be happy. When I’m broke and I get to the bank a few minutes after four on a Friday, and security won’t let me in, I will be cheerful. Who cares if my ATM card isn’t functioning? When PHCN zaps off the electricity right when Angelina Jolie is about to pull a stunt in a movie I’m avidly watching, I won’t curse. When the well and boreholes get locked up and I have to rub-and-shine my ass off to work, I will grin. When my boss chews that ass off in front of the sexy secretary, I will wipe my mind blank of any murderous thoughts. When a harried politician decides he doesn’t need my magu-magu services anymore and takes his money-riven business to another corper, I will smile and congratulate the lucky bastard. [Sorry, that slipped out] When I find my Blackberry has been stolen and 30 grand has just gone down the drain, I will be grateful for small mercies. At least, I’m still alive. Happiness must not be wasted on trivial setbacks.
Yes, folks, that’s it for the year. Don’t laugh at my pledges, because with a bit of patience and alcohol [God knows I’ll be needing them], I just might excel in them all.
I hope you all manage to stick to your resolutions [for those of you who managed to make any]. And if you cannot, there is always next year.
I am @Walt_Shakes on twitter
