Do you need some assistance in parenting your Aspergers or HFA child? Click here to use Mark Hutten, M.A. as your personal parent coach.
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My daughter was adopted at birth and diagnosed with Aspergers in 4th grade. Fast forward to this year. She hates us and we have had a horrible year as a junior in highschool. Chloe has progressed to the point where she runs away and has stayed with her birth mother, acquaintences, and so called “friends”. We have tried all these years with psychologists and psychiatrists. She has been been on medications and she believes it is all my husband’s and my fault she is messed up because we made her take these drugs! Her doctor’s said she needs to be in treatment at a facility twice this past summer. That was the worst decision in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I could take back this whole year I would and I would never listen to these so called professionals!! That time in these places destroyed any relationship that could have been. I am positive things were not handled correctly considering her adoption and aspergers together. Between these 2 parts of her personality her life has fallen apart and I’ve lost my daughter. Nobody would listen and the schools and doctors made everything worse. My world has fallen apart!
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My marriage has failed. I had posted my thoughts on the subject on facebook because I wanted to share with people about the changes in my life. A friend of mine that has known me for years reaches out to me whose child has recently been diagnosed with ASD. She used to live with me for at least a year or two and asked me if I had looked into Aspergers before because she began to think specifically of me while she was learning about her child. About three years ago a pediatrician had met me for the first time and then asked my wife if I had Aspergers. I did not follow up on this because it seemed ridiculous. A year later my third child, my second son, was diagnosed with ASD. He is moderate to severe. Now that my friend has reached out to me I began to take her thoughts seriously. Since I was on the edge of divorce which is now inevitable, I was much more open. I began to read about Aspergers and watch videos on youtube and I almost cried because of just how much it made sense to me... the isolation, the depth of intense emotion, and the great difficulties in social interaction, etc, etc. While I may not have a strong case which we might seen as portrayed in Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, which I believe is just an acted portrayal to extenuate the obvious, I do believe that I may suffer from some form of Aspergers, ever if just a mild case. My wife has insisted that I am narcissistic but I don't feel that on the inside at all. I have difficulty understanding most people and am often misunderstood. I have many friends who have experienced social awkwardness. I have not found an affordable method of obtaining a formal diagnosis, and even then I am afraid that I will not receive it. It would be very confusing to me if it were not so given the cogency of this perspective. I know that not all psychologists are the same, with varying degrees of knowledge concerning ASD, and so I fear that I could receive a wrong conclusion depending upon who does the evaluation. Please share your thoughts with me in this regard. I would greatly appreciate it.
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My son is high functioning but he still struggles with alot as far as school, he has autism and a central auditory processing disorder and adhd....im fighting back amd fourth with his school to have him placed in a smaller setting and its been a year and im still fighting to get my son the best education he deserves im uneducated when it comes to his disorder i try to understand it a little more each day i want to know if you have any referral sources for me to help me be a better advocate for my 8 year old son.
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Hello
I have a 17 year old who just found out he has HFA and is devastated. Even when his father and I heard the news, it didn't make sense. We thought he just had been suffering from depression all his life but the more we learn about HFA, the more we realize that you're describing our son. However, he doesn't seem so typical...he plays baseball but that's his only other interest besides video games, he doesn't seem not to get along with friends but when he's tired of them, he pushes them to the curb with no empathy, he never invites friends over, and he says he has no feelings for us, his parents,.. he's adopted.
But if anyone met him on the surface, they would never suspect anything. They describe him as funny, a nice kid and everyone loves him. Hes never been picked on in school. But it's an act.
Anyway, my question to you is, how do we get him used to the idea that he has this. It was suggested to him by his therapist and ever since then, he doesn't want to talk about it, or deal with it. He wants to bury it. He always thought of a kid with autism as a "nerd" and he says he's not that kid. And I understand, I never would have guessed on the surface, but the more I learn about it, I think his therapist is right.
Any suggestions?
I would do anything to help out this kid. He has been dealing with this for a long time and we need help before he graduates.
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Hi Mark,
My husband and I realized he had aspergers about 3 years ago. We have two small kids. I am working on letting go of the resentment but its hard. Especially because no one really knows except me that he has it so I can't really talk about it openly. I have been reading your ebook and listening to the audio clips from your seminar. They are extremely helpful. Its really hard to find the right resources. Your book and audio clips are spot on our challenges.
I have been struggling to find the right therapist for my husband and I that has experience in this area. I have seen psychologists and find them helpful for me. My husband has gone too which is a good step but I think we need someone with more knowledge of Aspergers. Is there a website of therapists you would recommend? We live in Northern Virginia.
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Hi Mark,
We have HFA 14yr old teenager( Ethan). He under treatment for anxiety. He is taking cymbalta and adderal for Adhd. We have many issues : failing grades , poor hygiene., little or no social connection with anyone in 9th grade. He has not friends in the neighborhood. Based on our knowledge , this is normal for HFA kids.
We try to provide support and guidance on his difficulties. He does have consequence for non-compliance. Currently , he has lost all phone and video game privileges. He can be defiant to discipline at times.
When we offer advice and or get him professional help , he is resistant to needing help. He doesn't think he has anxiety or depression.
He tells every psychiatrist that he does not have anxiety and doesn't need medicine. He does it only for his parents.
WE remind him to shower and brush teeth every day. He often lies about it or makes an excuse not to do either. When he does clean himself , he does a poor job.
As parent we knows something is wrong, but HE WONT ADMIT ANY difficulty or the fact that is autistic in even a minor way.. He will argues this to the end. As far as he is concerned he is normal teen and does not see much difference between himself and other teens. Any issues he is having he thinks he can handle it himself. He has the maturity of a 5-6th grader in a 14yr old body.
. He is smart enough to come up with lots of excuses ( tired, lazy, sleepy, etc)
He is too big and too old to hold his hand on hygiene and he is self aware enough to know that he is too old for parents to see him naked or help do basic hygiene like teeth brushing.
When he was younger I could forcibly clean him but now he just shuts bathroom door and comes out. I cannot verify if he uses soap at all.. many times his hair is not washed at all.
when he is confronted with his failures, he makes simple excuse that he is tired.
But it seems he is tired all the time. i know he is frustrated but getting him to admit that he is having struggles is nearly impossible.
What advice can you offer? We need help. I keep thinking if we could get him recognize that he needs help, he would follow our guidance more.
Even for schoolwork, we he thinks his strategy is working and he is failing.
Where should we start?
One final note, his mother and I are divorced but have good communication and co-parenting. He lives primarily with his mother. I have him every other weekd and every Wednesday.
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Dear Mark Hutten,
my wife and I have read you article "Parents with Asperger Syndrome"on
http://theneurotypical.com/parents-with-aspergers.html
Being parents of five wonderful now adult children my wife Elisabeth and I initially felt that you were a little too sombre in your approach, but we have come to realise that my ASD has been more devastating to our children than hitherto perceived.
Elisabeth is working on a book in Danish to deal with the burden that ASD pose on the neurotypicals in their family. Most books have until recently dealt more with how to cater for the autistic persons. Such books are certainly needed. But we have (at least on the rather small Danish market ) lacked books and information aimed at helping the many neurotypical "innocent bystanders" who become victims of the urgent demands from siblings or parents with ASD.
We have translated the article mentioned above into Danish, and want to ask your permission to quote it in full in the Danish book , which hopefully will be the result of our endeavours. I am an experienced translator and interpretor (my main special interest is in the field of Linguistics) But your article did not get much help from Google translate, so I had to translate most of it "by hand",
A Canadian friend of ours offered to help, but we think that we have already a functional translation and only need your approval (you are welcome to receive a copy - though it might not make much sense to you).
While responding my Canadian friend, the real meaning of the third part of the triad finally dawned on me - and I have to agree with your description and metaphor. Also mind-blindness is a more precise description.
Thank you very much for the enlightenment that you article has yielded for us. I hope that you will take the time to read the mail quoted below since it contains the reason for me realising the meaning of mind-blindness.
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Mark,
I 'used' his gullibility to tell him that I called non-emergency police and they confirmed that it is about the assaulted one, once one pays hands on another, that the one who was grabbed and frightened could press charges, he'd be arrested. He seemed to shrug it off, but then a few mins ago, I intercommed to see what he needed for school tomorrow, and said I wished he would be sorry, and he said, "Goodnight Mom and i AM sorry I knocked you on the sofa and pressed your lungs that you felt bad."
We talked a little more about it, I thanked him for the acknowledgement. We even said our prayers together on the intercom--he led. He is staying out in the tent bc I am sure it is just too much to have said that and he needs some time with his ego and feelings.
I would still welcome any feedback you may have, as you likely have much experience with this. Overall, I feel it is a good outcome and I will sleep well tonight.
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Hi there,
My daughter has many of the challenging behaviors you speak of on your website. However, I am wondering what you think since the situation is with a teen who is 19 years and 4 months of age. Wants out of the house for many reasons and would go if affordable. Attends college, works, etc. Therapy and meds have been used but are now refused. Should I work on this with your techniques or is this more of an "I want out of the house" situation? We are all pretty miserable. Of course when a teen is now an "adult", legally, things change.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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Hi, Mark.
I am part of your parents of those on the spectrum. My son is 21, "high-functioning" and attends college classes independently. He reliably comes and goes, etc but occasionally has, as is the case this time, misperception about how HARD or roughly he handles or touches me, his mother.
There is no-body else in the home, and mostly no-body else in his life that "knows" him in this way, although he would deny the validity of this statement.
The issue I ask your advise on is this: Friday evening, when I was vocally upset that he wouldn't come along to the tire store (because I have laryngitis this week and it has been tough to talk or I would have handled the tire issue) and stated so, he came into the other room where I was sitting on the sofa and knocked me down to a laying position and held my shoulders. With the laryngitis I already have a feeling of it being a little hard to breathe in my upper chest--when he held me down saying I was 'out of control" I was gasping and I was really frightened, struggling with NO HOPE of getting UP and out of his grasp--I had to say "I can't breathe!" as loudly as I could until he finally let me up about the 5th request--I was terrified that my lungs were going to burst.
He had to leave to go to self defense on the bus, and I told him that under the rules of housing, he had to stay out in the tent on our premises--I locked the house and made it inaccessible and that is how it has been until now--2 nights. I originally wrote in the note I placed outside that he was "grounded outside" until Sunday at 5 pm--and then at 230 PM today, I requested an apology via note outside on door. He denies that 'he held me down THAT hard" and refuses to apologize.
My position, although I prefer of course not to have to remain in it, is that I refuse re-admittance until he makes apology, having told him on the phone extension (which is how we talk--a few times now since he has been outside) that ASSAULT is not about how the person inflicting IT perceives it, but rather how the INJURED party perceives it, and if it were another person he did this to, they could have him arrested. (Of course, a smaller or older person could have been seriously hurt or caused death and he would still contend that "he didn't hold them down THAT hard"???). He is 210 pounds and 6'2". I am under 150 pounds and 56 years old.
I feel you will support my position as the parent and owner of this home, and advise me that I must hold my ground, even though I DID in fact change the original statement (that he would be grounded only until Sunday 5pm) and that I now require an apology/acknowledgement. I ask what additionally you will advise so that I can "get through to him" about this being a serious matter. (He stated after refusing the apology that (he graduates with an AS Business degree next month) that he is going to get a job at the DQ down the street and 'have his own money'. To me, that is evading the responsibility of this matter, and separate and unreal in light of the fact that he now lives in a tent.)
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I need so much help I am on the verge of divorce that my husband doesnt know. We have three kids and everything in this video describes me. My husband mother never told him he was HFA and left it to me to do so. I am not sure why his fsmily wont tell him and he hates me for telling him he is and needs help. I feel like I cant do anything for him and the best thing to do is leave. Please send me the e-book or direct me to sute to download please. It is by God I came across you again the first time I just skipped by it thinking there wasnl no hope now I am here and need to give this another shot. If he is in denial about being autistic how do i get him diagnose and my young daughter has autistic child like characteristic but because she is smart people blow me off but I know she thinks differently I feel so alone as a wife and mom.
Thank you for all that you do to help us women.