Dear Mark
I came across your site by accidental. But it is god send. I have a teenager with asperger and it is indeed a trying period. i find solace when I read your articles. It gives me a ray of hope.
Kind Regards
Mariah
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Dear Mr. Hutton, I am writing to you from Yamaguchi, Japan. I am an 32 year old American woman living and working here in Japan. My husband (37) and I have been married for almost nine years but separated for the last two. We have two children together. For the last few years I have intently been trying to figure out a solution to my marriage. I bought your ebook several weeks ago and it has been quite helpful. Thank you so much. I do have some questions, however, that seem to be unique to our case. I apologize that this might me a long email, but I don't know what will and will not be relevant to you, so I am including everything. Sorry for any grammatical and spelling errors!
My husband and I have always had a "difficult" relationship. It has never been easy. I very much relate to the experiences that you described in your book of what NT wives married to AS men can go through. The resentment, anger and loneliness on my part. The seemingly unresponsive and "selfish" behavior on his part. He fits a lot of the descriptions of someone with AS. Lots of quirks and unusual ways of dealing with thing and social difficulties. I always felt there was something "different" in our dynamic, there were certain things we just didn't seem to get about each other. I just thought it was the stress of our life. Now that I am familiar with AS, it is clear as day why he acts in these ways, and why I responded in such easy. Unfortunately, in those days, because I was unaware of any of this, over time I became less kind or understanding, thinking he was completely self-centered. I gave him hell, so to speak. I felt him drawing further and further away, burying himself in his work. I felt more and more overwhelmed with my small children, alone with a husband who just did not seem even remotely interested in acknowledging my needs. I did feel crazy a lot of the time. My self-esteem fell. Yet, he said he still loved me, and we were trying to keep it together. Then a little over three years ago, something happened that ultimately led to our current separation. We have been trying to resolve it ever since, That is why I am writing you, hoping you may be able to shed some insight on our situation.
Our journey started about three years ago. But first let me give you a little history.
My husband and I, as I mentioned, had always struggled in our marriage. Every year, we knew things were going down hill, but we still loved each other and kept trying for the sake of kids. When the US economy crashed, my husband was out of work. Our children where still very young and I needed to be home with them. Thinking that it had been his work that was taking him away from family life , I encouraged him to go back to school, hoping he would have more time for us. He did go to school, quite happily. However, he encountered all kids of difficulties. He sought out academic counseling through his college. It was from there that he was told he might have ADD among other learning disabilities. Okay, but there seemed to be more to it than that. Things were unraveling. He couldn't keep up with what was the expected pace in the class. My husband is brilliant. He is one of the smartest people I know. He built a career for himself, without a degree, in computers. Yet he couldn't seem to handle some of the simplest tasks his teachers were assigning. It was during this time that he also started seeking out psychological counseling for some unresolved issues he thought he was having around a tragic event that had occurred in his family the year before we were married. My husbands uncle, a long sufferer of depression, strapped his two young sons to himself and jumped off a bridge, killing all three of them. My husband had never really dealt properly with the grief over this. We were married the following year and got busy raising our family. Six years later, he felt that his issues around his Uncle and young cousins death were manifesting in ways that were beyond his control. He became very difficult to connect to. He was absent, both physically and emotionally and quite obsessed with school. It was a stressful situation anyway. We moved in with his parents to save money and there was very little privacy. Our financial situation continued to deteriorate because we were not getting the financial help we were expecting due to his grades getting lower and lower every semester. I was starting to loose it. I knew something was wrong, but I could not put my finger on it. My own unhappiness and stress caused me to lash out. Then one night, during a intimate moment, I pushed him off of me and started raging. Telling him how he was never there for me and I didn't seem important to him and he was just using me. He wasn't really responding ( I know now why he couldn't respond, but back then I just thought he didn't care) so I went around to the other side of the bed and brought my hand down hard where he was laying. I had meant to hit his leg to get his attention but in the dark I couldn't see well and I struck his arm. He flinched violently. Almost like a two second seizure. He was silent for while and then said something like it was time that we both went to bed. I cried myself to sleep as he lay motionless beside me.
The next night he wanted me to go out with him for coffee. This was unusual. I thought it was a effort to make-up. But, much to my dismay, after we got our coffee, he told me that he needed me to promise that I would never hit him again, even if it had been somewhat of an accident. He said that when I hit him the night before, he strained his shoulder trying to keep himself from hitting me back . My husband had taken martial arts when he was younger, and he knew that if he ever hit me with his full force, he could quite easily inflict a blow that would kill me. Yet, I couldn't promise that I would never hit him again, because it had just been an attempt on my part to get his attention. It could happen again. I knew I could never really hurt him so I didn't think it was so important. I said I would try. But that didn't seem good enough of an answer for him. (I now see that this conversation was his attempt to try to tell me my actions made him feel out of control and he didn't know what to do about it) Either that night, or a few nights later, I don't remember, I had a dream that my husband had become "unreachable". In the dream he was like a shell. It was his body, but the eyes staring at me did not have a soul inside. He sat there with a snarl on his face. His eyes dead. No matter how much I begged him to "come back" he wouldn't…...or couldn't. I woke up from this dream screaming. Sick to my stomach. The feeling stayed with me for days. That very same week, it was like a switch had been flipped in my husband. He flinched and pulled away when I touched him, started sleeping on the couch most of the time, and over the next year, become so cold and distant that it shook me to the core. Until that point, he had been quite affectionate and when around, sweet. I kept thinking he would eventually work through it, but we have not been intimate since that night. That was over three years ago. Although we have finally arrived at a point where he accepts hugs from me, he still doesn't want to touch me voluntarily.
Over the course of that year he asked for a trial separation three times. I consented the third time. He moved out immediately, and we have been separated ever since. It was during this year that we started marriage counseling as well. And it was also during this year that a therapist suggested he might have Aspergers. It explained a lot, for both of us. He was in the process of getting a proper diagnosis when I took a job here in Japan. We knew it would interrupt the counseling we had begun, but we had both been struggling to find jobs and desperately needed an income. He said that we might need to do something drastic anyway, like move to Japan, for our marriage to survive. I had spend many years in Japan as a child and felt comfortable moving back here so I took the job with his blessing. We agreed that he would stay in California and finish school as well as stay in therapy. He would visit in the summer and we would see how things went. I hoped for the best.
It turned out, he missed the kids so much he joined us eight months later. The government subsidized program he was receiving counseling through, cut it for budget reasons. He was in the process of getting a diagnosis for AS when this happened (He did take the online test for AS and scored 155 out of 200) His last therapist diagnosed him with OCD as well. School was not going any better for him, so he decided to stay in Japan. He has been here consistently for a year.
We have tried to do the best we can here in Japan. We found an American therapist and we worked with him for some time. We mentioned in the first few sessions, that we thought AS was a factor in some of the issues of our marriage, but it more or less got left at that. I found the therapy sessions quite helpful but my husband did not ( after reading your book and learning that traditional marriage therapy doesn't really work for people with AS, it makes sense that I benefited but my husband did not) We saw this therapist for over a year, but we recently decided to give it a break as it did not seem to be having a big impact on moving us any closer to a resolution.
I have tried to continue to love my husband and tried to understand him. I have to admit, I was hoping the move, change in environment and time would have healed a lot. There has been some improvement. But not drastic. Especially for him. As far as he is concerned, we are just as close to divorce as we were three years ago. He is also having trouble finding work here and it is taking him time to adjust. We have both tried very hard to work things out for the sake of our children and families, but there is something deeper that is not getting resolved.
About a month ago, a friend of mine sent me the link to your ebook and site. It made me realize that what I have been doing is not enough. I do believe my husband has AS and I do believe that the strategies outlined in your book can and are helping us. However, I also think there is something else. Some deeper psychological issue. In addition to having OCD about usual stuff, I think he has suffered some sort of trauma in our relationship that was brought on by neither of us understanding what his needs had been. Could my husband be dealing with PT-OCD (post traumatic-obsessive compulsive disorder)? In my talks with him, when he seems to be able to get in touch with his feelings, I get the sense that if we could resolve this block that he has about being intimate with me ( both sexually and simple hugging, kissing) then there could be some hope for us. I suggest PT-OCD because if he was already under emotional stress with the trauma of his Uncle's death coupled with the poison in our marriage that climaxed into, what for him was a nightmare scene that almost caused him to hit me ( something that he would never, ever be able to forgive himself for) then the OCD could have manifested itself as this: in HIS mind, he may think as long as he doesn't touch me, there will never be the risk of sex or intimacy, and therefore no chance of recreating a scene similar to the one that happened more than three years ago , which creates less to no chance of him ever be in danger of feeling again like hitting me. Unfortunately, this obsession means he lives with a marriage devoid of sex, affection or intimacy. Even he cannot live with that. That's why, to him, divorce seems inevitable.
I am not a psychiatrist and I could be WAY OFF but I am just throwing things out there. Based on stuff we have talked about, things he has said in therapy and facts that I know about him. Interestingly enough, when I shared this theory with him, he agreed that it could be a possibility. He does not usually agree with me!! I am including a link to an article on PT-OCD that we have both read and resonated with. Just for information sake.
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I am also including certain things he has said to me frequently over that last few years regarding our marriage, that tie in to what I have said above. They are not in any particular order.
1.He often says justice has not been served for the past year ( he feels I treated him unjustly, although I have apologized, changed my ways and even communicate differently with him than I used to)
2.Says he doesn't know what he needs for there to be reconciliation
3,Has said on several occasions that he needs to "start over" ( like a re-boot) for him to feel differently about our marriage and for his feeling towards me to change. For our marriage to reconcile he says he needs to literally start again as if we don't know each other.
4,Seems to have a dual internal thing going on. Says very unemotionally that he feels we are very close to divorce and not much has changed despite our attempts. Yet his actions will often show otherwise. Like his coming to Japan to be with his family ( he could have easily used the move as a way out, filed for divorce and sent me the papers to sign). His willingness to go to therapy. He doesn't want to be intimate or want to feel like we are married, but when I tell him I want to keep trying, that I love him and don't want a divorce, he seems happy. I am quite confused by this as it don't seem consistent with what he say, unless my theory about PT-OCD could be true.
5,He says he is happier when he is not with me. Yet, he does certain things for me when I ask, and he still seems to care about what I think and what I like. Although we live separately, we still operate very much as a family. He picks the kids up from school and brings them to my house while I am at work and we eat meals together regularly.
6,He has said that so many of the failures in his life are connected to me and our marriage yet he seems to want to try….despite his belief we might be doomed.
7.he has said that the 'bad" stuff in our marriage plays over and over again in his head, like a tape.
8.He has said it might be better for us to divorce simply because if I got re-married, at leas our children will see what a normal relationships looks like. But, on other occasions he says he hopes we don't get divorced.
9.He has said that being with me is sometimes like torture because there are things I unknowingly do that trigger his anxiety and he doesn't know how to reverse it. For example: A month or so ago, we were at a gathering together. It was lunch and it was buffet style food. My husband had to take a phone call when the food was being served. Knowing he was hungry, I told him the food was ready and should I make him a plate. He said no, thank you. I thought he was just being polite. After 10 min or so, when I saw how fast the food was going, I decided to make him a plate ( I thought I was being considerate) When he was finished with his call, I told him I made him a plate and it was on the table whenever he was ready. But the food just sat and sat and sat. He never touched it. I tried not to be offended. I thought maybe he was feeling ill.
In a later conversation, he was able to share with me that he had not wanted me to make him a plate because he knew the food would sit out for a few minutes and he was afraid germs would contaminate it. Furthermore, he could not bring himself to make a fresh plate without eating the first plate of food, because he wasn't sure if he would offend anyone. He was starving and wanted to eat but was in this silent dilemma. He could not understand why I didn't just listen to him. He said this kind of thing has gone on in our marriage for as long as he can remember. It felt like torture.
It was a true Aha! moment for me. This conversation. I knew he had some serious OCD about germs, and I knew he often questioned how to act in social situations, but I did not realize how far it went for him. Ever since, I have tried to be more mindful of taking his word for what he says he wants.
10. he has said that the week after he almost hit me three years ago, he noticed his tastes changed for a few things. Like, he has always loved Reese's peanut butter cups, but after that night, he doesn't like them anymore.
I want my marriage to work. I love my husband. He is a good man. In many ways he is kind, gentle, and considerate. He is a good father. I want my children to grow up in an intact home. The strategies outlined in your book are definitely helping. But there is something deeper. I do not think for one second that I am innocent in all of this. I know I have done my share to do the damage that happened in the past. Everyday for the last three years I have made efforts to repair that damage. And in his own way, my husband has too. We have both tried, hard. But we have been separated for two years and worked with four marriage therapist. How long is too long? I want to know. What is keeping us from healing? I can live with Aspergers. I already am… but that does not seem to be the only issuer. Am I on to something with the PT-OCD? Can we live together, relatively happily again as husband and wife? Can you share any insights?
Thank you so much for the time you took to read this email. I know it was a staggering amount of information. I almost have to laugh at myself for how much came out. I am sort of freaked out about sending it, but here it goes.
I hope to hear back from you soon.
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QUESTION:
My 18 year old Aspergers son is having a very difficult time with the transition, responsibilities, and structural difference in college. He failed all but one of his classes last semester, and is not doing too well this semester. Due to the pressure to perform and fear of losing his scholarship, he has fallen into a difficult state of mind (e.g., doesn’t care, doesn’t do work, constantly lies, etc.), which has further complicated our ability to communicate with him. Do you think that college might be too much for him to handle at this time? Should we consider a technical career? He is a brilliant young man with a complex diagnosis, and a lifetime dream of becoming an engineer.
ANSWER:
Given the circumstances that you have outlined, clearly college life is not working for him at this time. This is quite obvious, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that college will NEVER work for him – just not now.
College life is tough on young adults with Aspergers, mostly because the level of structure is greatly reduced. In other words, students can (for the most part) come and go whenever, wherever they want to… very little resemblance to the more structured atmosphere in high school. The social aspects of college life are also more complex. Even among “typical” students, freshmen students' self-ratings of their emotional health drop significantly in their first year.
Your son was micromanaged as he went through the high school years. As a result, he was often protected from a lot of disappointments. But, once young adults with Aspergers get to college and they’re on their own, life’s disappointments happen, and they are often lacking that resiliency to deal effectively with those events (e.g., getting a poor grade, girlfriend breaking up with them, not fitting in with the crowd, etc.).
Having said this, I agree that technical school (preferably one close to home) would be a good option at this point. 50% of recent college graduates are unemployed or underemployed; many, in fact, are resorting to the kinds of entry-level jobs that they went to college to avoid. But things are looking up for skilled workers. As a recent survey reported, 40% of employers complained that they were unable to find sufficient skilled workers to fill their available positions. For students who can get into the programs that prepare them for such jobs, the employment future could be promising.
The value of a vocational program varies greatly. Many private companies have jumped into the market, hoping to tap into the rich river of federal student aid money flowing into the trade school market. Unfortunately, many of their programs are overpriced, unaccredited, or lack strong placement programs, which means that students who enroll in these for-profit schools' programs can easily find themselves graduating with a lot of debt and few job prospects.
Luckily, there are several ways vocational students can protect themselves from choosing a bad program. The first step is ensuring that the program they're considering is accredited: The Department of Education has an easy-to-use accreditation database.
Having checked to see that the program carries a U.S. government seal of approval, the next step is ensuring that its benefits are worth its cost. Companies like Glassdoor and Salary.com can give a good idea of the likely salaries that graduates of a particular program will garner. Depending on this, students can calculate the amount of money that they can reasonably expect to borrow. A general rule of thumb is that your loans shouldn't exceed one year's post-graduation salary.
Another great resource is Department of Education's default rate database, which reports on the percentage of students who default on their loans. Schools with high default rates may be charging too much for a particular certification.
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Hi Mark, My 13 year old son just had the worst meltdown ever in his life & mine! I had to stop myself from having the local childrens hospital come & take him away today. 1st off I like the idea of your product but my son has 3 so called labeled disabilities at work fighting each other at all times. When he was 18 months old I knew he had autism or aspergers but he was not diagnosed until age 8 with aspergers. Right before that diagnosis at age 8 he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Absolutely no family history of diabetes at all. At age 6 I was told he had dyslexia but not the kind that affects reading. His is comprehension & expression based. He reads way higher levels than his age group states. I do agree with the dyslexia diagnosis & we have worked thru a lot of those issues when he was 6 & 7. Then he got sick & the diagnosis for diabetes popped up. He never got to finish the full dyslexia training, the school filled his spot while he was in the hospital. At the same time he was just starting ABA therapy & it was working. Then the diabetes & aspergers seemed to be fighting each other all the time. My personal belief is that the aspergers & the diabetes are linked in some way. I have not found any parent yet that has said their child has diabetes & aspergers. Possibly a gut connection but I've already changed his diet to gluten free for many years & pulled dairy , soy, yeast, too. He is 13 & hormones play a huge part in this too. He has a huge amount of stress from being bullied by teachers & staff in school(he was pulled from school & homeschooled & now does online public school), insulin introduced into an already compromised immune system, & therapists & doctors & family who all want him on medications. I am the only help he's got( HIS BEHAVIORS HAVE PRETTY MUCH SHOT THE AMOUNT OF HELP WE GET) & I'm told there is NO HELP FOR KIDS HIS AGE!!! I've heard this now in 3 different states. My thoughts are...I just haven't found it yet! My question for you is: I am dealing with type 1 diabetes & aspergers, both which have frustrated, irritable, angry & up to violent potentials. Plus many more! Will this program honestly help? I'm not at a point where I can keep buying things that repeat what I've already learned, I'm actually losing my business due to my son's actions & behaviors. He is very violent towards me, defiant, refuses to help with what we need to do for his health, is refusing to eat & sleep & the normally out going kid he is won't go outside, won't make eye contact anymore & is not happy at all. Also is this geared for just younger kids? I would appreciate any help or direction you could send me.
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I really like your articles I follow on LinkedIn. I have a son who in now 15 going on 16 in May and has been diagnosed and tested since he was in preschool, everyone knew something was off but nothing exact stuck out as being what the problem was. They ruled out ADD ADHD and eventually came up with PDD Nos in his second grade year. In Middle school he has the most severe emotional anger and OCD type of behavior and was counseled by a neuropsychologist that works with ADD, Addiction and does testing and he did sessions with him and diagnosed him as ASD. There were times that year my son wouldn't come out of his room and barricaded himself in, he seemed emotionally unavailable and defiant. He has never had luck with having friends or mostly he will get a friend and then it doesn't last.
We are moving from Colorado back to Texas this summer for my husbands job and he seems just fine with it but we noticed he had a few friends for the first part of the year and over the summer that he is now not even texting or calling at all. He told me he is choosing to spend time alone and likes it that way but there is nothing wrong.
I am concerned of course and we have tried some social skills groups and he has hated them and said he wouldn't go back, the other kids seem more extreme and out of sorts to him. He is like a normal kids, doesn't do badly at school and with us he communicated and interacts well.
My husband is shy and keeps to himself except for work and family and thinks we should leave him be but I worry that he is isolating himself and not building social skills and wish i knew what really happened with the friends he no longer talks to.
Do you have any suggestions? Would we be able to do skype sessions and what is the cost? I really feel I need help and someone my son can listen to who will help him understand what is going on with him, what can help him and motivate him to want to try and get help.
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We had a major blowout tonight and I was hoping to relay the events and find out whether you can critique me a bit please
Tonight around 8:30pm I asked the kids to all come out and help in the kitchen. My son Kyle dragged the chain a bit but he eventually came out and started putting things away. He started getting frustrated that he couldn't close a cupboard door (he has been on edge a bit tonight) and started banging it and kicking the contents. He also started swearing.which he knows is not acceptable
At this point my wife told him to him that he needed to stop swearing at which time he stated the words he said were not swearing. I supported my wife that it was swearing and that if he didn't stop he would need to go to bed. He kept on that it wasn't swearing and I then told him that he must be tired and that he can go to bed once the kitchen is cleaned.
It was at this point that he said that if he couldn't stay up any longer then he wouldn't clean the kitchen I then told him that he should just go to bed then. He wouldn't go and kept wandering around the kitchen and house in defiance.
Unfortunately it all escalated out of control at that point and I don't think it is really relevant to go into details
We have been advised at another time that if he loses his cool to the point there is so sense of reason and we can't get him to withdraw, that we should leave the house. At this time of night with two children asleep it is very difficult to do this so I then spent the next 20 minutes trying to keep him at the end of the house that had no sleeping people. He has now escaped out of the house and has now gone out of the house (not really sure where)
Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated
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I have a question about our 5yr old. His meltdowns have decreased in frequency from 1 to 9 a day (his peak of meltdowns last year at the age of 4) with length of 3min to 40min. This year we are in kindergarten and his meltdowns at home have decreased to maybe 1 a week if that and they are super brief (1-2min). At school he didn't have a meltdown until oct. then it increased to 2 a week. Now he is still at 2 a week but he is no longer just screaming, he will start to throw things, hit, kick etc and the length is increasing from 5-10min to 30min. They are now trying to avoid triggers like cleaning up center times by having him go to a sensory room to play with an EA. He has great relationships with the EA and the school teacher.
Why is he escalating now? is he more comfortable in the environment? Is he just finally getting to feel done at school? What can we do to help him more at school. I am a gr.1 teacher myself and understand a lot about ASD and have worked a lot with inner city students etc. I understand the language, I understand the importance of Self Regulation etc. I am just at a loss as to where to go with my own son at this point.
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Mr. Hutton,
I just recently stumbled cross your website trying to find information on dealing with children who have Aspergers. My husband and I have a 12 year old daughter and a 6 year old son named Wyatt. We live in Ramsey, Indiana and attend Lincoln Hills Christian Church. I understand from your site that you and your wife live in Indiana as well. Wyatt has always been a handful to say the least. Always going a hundred miles an hour! We are having a very difficult time dealing with Wyatt and his frequent meltdowns. They seemed to start becoming a very common problem a year ago, with anger being a concern since he was very small. He is becoming more violent and hard to control and I'm becoming increasingly concerned. Our money is very tight and I just want to make sure before we spend this there's a chance it will help. Our family life is suffering from the chaos of it all and it feels like we are all walking on eggshells waiting for an explosion all the time. Every morning he gets on the school bus its a huge relief, because it can be such an exhausting struggle. Our youth minister, who is a nurse mentioned Aspergers to us two years ago but we didn't see it, now we do. He is a very intelligent, sweet little guy, but he can turn so unexpectedly and be out of control. He hasn't had any fits once he is in the school building and is actually very quiet and well behaved at school. Getting him in the building at least once a week, more or less, has proven to be a very difficult task at times, requiring assistance from school staff. He recently told me school was boring, and he doesn't understand why nobody will be his friend, and the lights in school are too bright. I am very concerned about him and how to help him cope with his emotions. Also how to have a calmer family life. I don't know how to help his sister deal with him in appropriate calm manners which can be very difficult. She doesn't understand what's wrong or how to deal with it, and quite frankly we don't know how to deal with him. Any help or advice would be amazing! Thank you and God bless you.
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Dear Mark,
I jumped right in when I thought that there might be some help out there with my 26 and a half year old son, Brandon. I may have jumped too soon, however, as I read that you had a book on how to launch your Aspergers child. While getting him launched is the problem, the other problem and question is: should he first be diagnosed? I have tried in the past but after reading your website, Im even more convinced the diagnosis of Aspergers has been missed. Is there a definitive test?
At the age of 17, the summary of his neuropsychological assessment says that he needs an evaluation to determine if he still has breathing problems when he was born. He had two episodes of not breathing as an infant. I recently had him tested for Sleep Apnea while he still had insurance and he fell well into the normal range. His overall IQ at 17 was in the 120s. The summary went on to say that he had slower processing speed than compared with aged mates. It also states that he has superior verbal abilities.
While that may be true in testing, he rarely speaks to us unless its a sports-oriented conversation. He cannot think of what to say quickly or sometimes at all. He is void of any social skills unless he is online. The summary concludes that he has an executive functioning disorder and/or anxiety disorder, potentially impacted by a sleep disorder. My thoughts were always that they missed the actual problem, whatever it is. This testing was done in 2005.
He has a history of dropping out of school, including high school. He completed his junior year of college, at which point he dropped out again. I was broke trying to get him through a technical school (computers) which I think he would have liked it to go on forever so that he never had to grow up. He is obsessed with computer gaming and is up late at night.
His father, my first husband, died at age 53,from pancreatic cancer. My husband struggled with addiction and depression. Brandon had already dropped out of high school just before learning of his dads illness.
My new husband, and Brandon and I live in Florida, in a retirement community; Brandon moved here a year ago. Under the influence of my new husband, he learned that he now had to get his first job. He was 25 at that time. Prior to that, he was living in Rhode island with a family friend but was neither working or going to school.
After several months of applying for jobs down here, he was hired by Walmart to stock shelves. He was let go after 6 months; we dont know why.
Because of his age, he is uninsured. He spends all his time in his room and always has. He has problems with his ears. He had one friend up north but I;m not sure he still does. He has no interest in socializing. He cant hold a knife and fork the correct way yet he was great at Legos. Foreign languages came easily for him. He speaks in a monotone with a flat affect. Eye contact is difficult for him.
My first question is where to go from here? He has seen several doctors in the past and has had two hospitalizations, due to school refusal. They all lead to him being prescribed generic Prozac, which I found he rarely took.
I realize Ive given you a lot to absorb, but my husband and I are concerned that if something doesnt change, we will be supporting him the rest of his life, something we cannot afford.
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QUESTION:
How do I help my grandchild through such a difficult time in our life? Part II. My husband has lung cancer that is progressing and it makes my grandson very, very sad. He envisions that he is Dr. Who and will get in the tartis and go back and get papas sickness and take with him in the tartis and regenerate. He will come back but with a different face and hair but the voice will be the same. I am doing as you first suggested by validating and being honest but I dont quite know how to handle the sadness he feels and I am worried that he goes into these make believe worlds, that seem very real to him, to cope so often. He acts out a lot. I try to explain why papa has to die but cant get past Adam and Eve because he wants to blow everything up, regenerate and fix things and then he begins the regeneration on him all over again. How do I get to the real fears and feelings inside him?
ANSWER:
The ways “special needs” kids express grief are usually different from the way grown-ups express it. Kids are not always able to use words to express their feelings. Instead, they often express them through behavior. Even kids who are able to express themselves verbally may not always be able to express the many, sometimes conflicting, emotions they have. Kids may:
• Become very quiet or very talkative. They may become overactive.
• Cling to grown-ups and want extra time and attention.
• Have difficulty completing school work. Their grades may drop.
• Have difficulty getting along with other kids.
• Have temper tantrums, angry outbursts, or refuse to obey grown-ups.
• Return to younger behaviors, such as wetting the bed after they have been dry for months or years.
How kids express grief usually depends on how they perceive the loss (including death). Each youngster's perception of loss varies according to age and emotional development. In general:
• Kids between the ages of 10 and 12 start to understand loss (including death) the way grown-ups do. They see death as permanent and irreversible. They are curious about what and how things happen. For example, if they have been affected by a hurricane, they may want to learn how hurricanes develop. If a person close to them dies, they may want to know how bodies are prepared after death, what the rites and rituals of burial mean, and what happens to a person after he or she dies.
• Kids between the ages of 6 and 10 do not always fully understand events that occur in their lives. They may understand only part of what is going on around them and they may invent conclusions or draw the wrong conclusions about things they do not understand, resulting in misconceptions about what is happening. They may develop fears, such as fear of death.
• Kids between the ages of 3 and 6 often think that any major change in their lives is a result of their actions or wishes. This is called magical thinking. These kids often feel responsible for any loss that occurs. If they see a loss as a threat, they may think that they are being punished for something. If people leave them (such as in divorce), they may feel abandoned and scared. These kids may react to loss by being afraid to be alone or to leave the people they love. They may not want to sleep alone at night and may refuse to go to day care or school. Other ways that kids this age may express feelings of grief are by developing eating, sleeping, or toileting problems.
The way moms and dads and other caregivers help a youngster who is grieving often lays the foundation for how the youngster will react to losses as an adult. It's important to help a youngster grieve, because:
• Information needs to be shared. Sometimes moms and dads and other caring grown-ups think it is best not to tell kids what is happening after a loss. Not telling kids about a major loss may cause them to develop unrealistic fears and concerns. Kids may also feel insecure because they know the grown-ups are not being honest. Not telling a youngster that a loved one has died may prolong the youngster's grief.
• Their concerns need to be addressed. Each youngster's concerns after a major loss differ, depending on the youngster's age and emotional development. For example, after the loss of a parent, a young youngster may ask who will take him or her to school. It is important for grown-ups to listen to a youngster's concerns and answer any questions or concerns.
• Their feelings are real. It is important for grown-ups to acknowledge that each youngster has unique feelings after a major loss.
• Their feelings need to be expressed. Kids who do not express their feelings may develop other problems, such as behavior problems or physical illnesses.
• Their misconceptions need to be clarified. Kids often do not know why losses occur. They may think that they caused the loss or that they are being punished for something they did. Correcting such misconceptions may relieve a youngster's anxiety and fear.
Before you try to help your grandson deal with a loss, examine your own thoughts and feelings about loss, particularly about death. Recall your first experience with loss. What helped you deal with it? What was not helpful to you? This is especially important if you experienced your first major loss when you were a youngster. Remembering your experience may help you recognize and understand your grandson's feelings. Also, the things that helped you may also be helpful to your grandson.
Tell other significant grown-ups in your grandson's life about his recent loss. Child care providers, teachers, and school counselors may also be able to help your grandson work through his grief. Here are some steps for helping Aspergers and HFA kids during the grieving process:
1. Provide safety and security. To express their feelings related to loss, kids need an adult who makes them feel safe and secure. Consider your grandson's personality and his comfort level in talking about feelings and concerns.
2. Consider the youngster's emotional development. Consider the youngster's age and emotional development so that you can explain loss and death in a way that he will understand. Learn about the emotional considerations for kids of different ages.
3. Make a plan. Think about how and when to approach your grandson.
4. Use an activity. Activities create different ways for kids to express their feelings related to loss. Try an activity that fits your style and your grandson's developmental level. If one activity does not work, try another one. Some suggestions include the following:
o Draw pictures. Drawing pictures of feelings may be easier than talking about them. Ask your grandson to draw a picture of what is happening to him. You can also draw a picture of what is happening to you. After finishing your drawing, explain what you drew and ask your grandson to explain his picture. You can use drawing pictures along with storytelling to help your grandson deal with grief.
o Make up stories. Storytelling lets you and your grandson change what happens in the story. Your grandson can change sad and gloomy feelings to more positive ones that provide warmth and comfort.
o Play or act. Acting out feelings through play can be very helpful for some kids. You can use stuffed animals, puppets, or other toys to act out what is going on. Sometimes it is easier for a youngster to allow a favorite stuffed animal to speak for him or her; it may be easier for a young youngster to talk with the animal, either alone or with an adult present, than to talk directly with an adult.
o Read books or watch DVDs. Books and DVDs can help kids understand the concept of loss and death. Ask a librarian about books and DVDs for kids your grandson's age. After reading the book or watching the DVD, talk with your grandson about the story and especially about his feelings.
5. Evaluate the activity. Observe your grandson during and after the activity. What emotions did