Some time between the age of nineteen and twenty-three, I half-jokingly told my mother: “I’m going to end up divorced. I just know it.”
That was almost ten years ago. I’ve since gotten married and have since gotten divorced.
When Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique in 1963, it catalyzed second-wave feminism in America. Her conclusion that women were dissatisfied as homemakers and mothers emanated from the privileged voice of the white suburban housewife who became the voice for every American woman. Yet, the struggles of women outside this status quo differ, struggles which secular feminism does not and cannot address.
For Muslim American women, modesty and balance in private and public life are challenged—not supported—by Western feminism. Speaking from a point of intersectionality, secular feminism is both paradoxically liberating and disempowering.
As divorce rises among baby boomers, data show it declining among non-Muslim Millennials who seem to have solved the issue: delay marriage. Shack up, test the waters, and if it fails, quietly call it quits. This can and does present a host of other issues.
For many practicing Muslim Americans, premarital cohabitation is not a solution. I do not speak on behalf of all Muslim Americans, yet Islamic tenets remain valuable to many.
Divorce may be waning among non-Muslims, but is it rising among Muslim Americans? More than half seem to be hitching and ditching before age thirty-five. Divorcees with children face situations for which precedents within the ummah are far and few between. If divorce is on the rise in our diaspora, why? There can be no single cause, but we must confront this question.
A 29-year old Muslim American female, I am the eldest of three daughters of a secular-to-moderate Muslim family. Secular feminism contributed greatly to the rift between my progressive, Muslim ex-husband and I.
My “I-don’t-need-a-man” attitude, which I saw as strength and freedom, bewildered my ex-husband and led to apathy. Ironically, I resented him for later sitting back. I didn’t need him, but I wanted him to take part in building our life—correction, my life, with him as my co-star.
At work and at home, I gave orders and made demands. When stress set in—often due to the 70-hour work weeks of my demanding career, which, as a liberated woman, I had every right to prioritize over my health and happiness and of those around me—I would lash out at my ex-husband and later expect him to empathize and love me unconditionally.
In my feminist opinion, I was the victim of a male-dominated world and femininity was submission to male objectification. Not realizing a truly strong woman is one who can balance confidence and vulnerability, intellectuality and sensuality, class and sass, my brusque boss lady ruled.
After every argument: Why should I apologize? He should beg for my forgiveness.
If he ever tried to hug me: All he wants is sex.
I don’t blame my failed marriage on Western feminism. It merely disintegrated communication, compassion, compromise, and love between my ex-husband and I.
In exchange for rights cast as “women’s rights,” are we surrendering other rights? Are we forfeiting our rights as architects of unshakable family units? Are we forgoing our rights as intuitive stakeholders of society? We seem to have forgotten that today was built by brigades of wives and mothers, by women who understood the delicate balance of womanhood.
There is often talk among Muslim Americans about cultural customs overriding Islamic ethics. Islamic feminism aims for equality and justice within Muslim families. Musawah, which means equality in Arabic, is a movement led by Muslim women activists across the globe. It recognizes Islam is not inherently anti-women’s rights; rather, patriarchy in Muslim nations results from male-driven interpretations of Islamic texts. Islamic feminism relies on human rights and the involvement of women in Quranic interpretations.
Secular feminism failed us, because its issues and solutions were never ours.
For the people, by the people: Muslim American Millennials possess an inimitable opportunity to forge solutions to questions of feminism and family life that synchronize the spirit of Islam and the realities of their intersectional identities.
Let us not, however, make the fatal mistake of believing that a return to our parents’ methods will save us. Neither reversion to our ancestors’ practices, nor complete espousal of secular feminism will solve our unique issues. The sooner our generation accepts responsibility for rectifying its conditions via the guidance of progressive Quranic interpretations, the sooner homegrown decisions will fortify our ummah.
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