Love sure can get weird. 
You can have all the best intentions in the world–
The best intentions ‘to stay a bachelor’ in the world, I should say.
Sure, there’s this one ‘special’ girl that can do all the stuff you like, and pizza flavored, too.
But that doesn’t mean you should throw out the anchor and settle down, right?
There’s plenty o fish in the sea, and all that.
I mean, think of your hard earned reputation.
( Wait, maybe we shouldn’t talk about that… )
Yes, I agree clean sheets are a nice luxury,
(and for some reason, a marital requisite),
…..but think about all those sly, come hither looks you’re gonna have to ignore at the gym
( or at least, have to stop giving ).
And,
Yes, a woman’s touch can be just what you need, in place of that ‘Wreck of the Hesperus’ decorating theme you’re using in that apartment of yours,
……but doesn’t that also mean you’re gonna have to give up hosting your weekly strip poker tournaments?
And,
Absolutely, the whole soul mate/intimacy/two people into one thing sounds just lovely,
…..but that’d also mean you’d have to clean out your refrigerator,
and throwing out those exotic ‘spices’ you’ve got in there.
And, I hear you-
— you’d be gaining a beautiful, sexy wife,
and adopting a very nice kid,
….. and, of course,
Getting to drive her vintage 1979 De Tomaso Pantera– that she’s had since she was 15,
That’s gotta count for somethin’.
(vroooom, vrooooooooom )
……but somehow I don’t think she’s gonna look too kindly on you spending six hours a day posting to your dirty Tumblr account,
and video chatting with girls who only recently learned how/why to wear a garter belt.
And let’s forget the date you have with the Kelly Triplets–
Susie, Sandy, and the one with that strawberry birthmark just north of her iliopsoas,
….. and that room deposit for September.
Do you really want to disappoint those girls (again) ?
Man, I don’t know .
And frankly, I’m not even gonna mention that big ole allegorical elephant in the room that is the biggest conundrum of all —
Ok– I will mention it.
Just what in the hell does that wonderful, beautiful woman see in you ???
That, my friend, is what you call a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
Yeah.
I’m assuming some type of visual acuity issue.
But I can tell you that this whole marriage proposal thing is fraught with dangers.
If you insist on doing it, you’d better do it right.
And not like these guys.
.
.
Submitted for your approval, case number one:
A guy took his girlfriend to a hockey game in Detroit, and had pre-arranged to have his beau led to center ice at intermission on the pretext that she won a door prize.
On the way, she slid on the ice, and couldn’t get back on her feet.
While the ambulance was en-route, Mister Sensitivity who planned the whole thing decided to forge ahead with his plan, and presented an engagement ring to his prone, partially paralyzed, and pretty pissed off paramour — saying something about ‘this’ll make you feel better’.
So, although it turned out that she hadn’t actually won a prize, (far from it),
she had torn the ulnar collateral ligament in her right elbow,
and she ruptured a couple of discs in her back–
—– the story still did end up having a happy ending.
Cause she told him to go fuck himself in front of thousands of amused hockey fans.
But, I guess she coulda said ‘puck‘, I dunno.
.
.
Case Number Two:
It don’t take a rocket scientist to know what probably happened to a guy in Long Beach, California, when you find how he proposed.
He took his hottie to a local Taco Bell, sprung for a couple of tacos ( 99 cents each for a limited time ), and handed her a hot sauce packet with the words ” Will You Marry Me ?” on it.
Oh brother.
He shoulda just got that Chihuahua to do the dirty work.
Hey baby, the dog says: “Yo quiero“.
Some interesting things about this whole episode, though.
Apparently, Taco Bell really does print messages like this on their taco sauce packets, along with other ones like:
“Single Hot Sauce seeking friendship, maybe more”,
“Of all those sauce packets, why me, why now?”,
and
“It’s okay… you can say it. I love you too.”
All of which would, on their own, I guess, also probably make somewhat reasonable substitutes for actually manning up and spitting out a few profound, feeling-based words to your special somebody.
Another is that the ‘marriage proposal using taco sauce’ scenario actually happens a lot.
Look on Facebook or YouTube if ya don’t believe me.
Sure, it’s better than putting a woman in a situation where she’s faced with the unenviable choice of agreeing to marry a doofus who’s so afraid of rejection he needs a crowd’s moral support ,
—-or embarrassing herself and him in front of thousands of drunken fans.
But, both tactics seem lacking in the degree of testicular fortitude that making a marriage work is gonna require.
However,
I’m thinking that hot sauce package idea would come in handy for some other situations….