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It's The Muppet Show, with our
special guest star Miss Candice Bergen!
Woo!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, question, What has a
thousand legs, but can't walk?
500 pairs of pants, Ha ha,
To introduce our guest star
That's what I'm here to do
And it really makes me happy
To introduce to you
Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!
But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
This is what we call
The Muppet Show
Thank you, Thank you, thank you, Hey,
Boy, do we have a show for you tonight,
Our special guest star is the
beautifuI Miss Candice Bergen,
And she's not just
another pretty face,
Besides being an actress, she's a top
photographer, a writer, a world traveler,
What you'd call a
well-rounded person,
Ha, You can say that
again, Woo, woo! Woo, woo!
Listen, you clowns, We're not gonna have
any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes
while Miss Bergen is out here,
I'm tired of any kind of pig joke,
Uh Piggy, what are
you doing out here?
Oh, Kermit, dear,
Did you know that every time we
have a beautifuI girI on the show,
you forget about me?
- Uh Yeah, well, uh uh
We could have a seaI act on the show,
Piggy, and I might forget about you,
He tries so desperately
to hide his love for me,
Uh, yeah, but, uh
You promised I was gonna open
the show this week, flipperface,
Uh Piggy, my love, my life,
- Never mind that jazz,
Listen, turkey, Ms. Bergen said
I should stand up for my rights,
Either I open the show
or Ms. Bergen and I walk,
Well, OK, OK, you can open the show,
Piggy, You get to open the show,
Oh! What a surprise!
Oh, thank you, my love,
Mwah! Kissy, kissy,
Uh Never let it be said
that the frog is a pig,
So, ladies and gentlemen,
the lovely Ms. Piggy,
and her rendition of
"What Now My Love?"
Bom, ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom
What now, my love?
Now that you left me?
How can I live
Through another day?
Watching my dreams
Turning to ashes
And my hopes
Into bits of clay
- # Once I could see - # Bom,
ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom
- # Once I could feeI - #
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
Now I am numb
I've become unreaI
- # I walk the night - #
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
- # Without a goaI - #
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
Stripped of my heart
- # My souI - #
Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom
- # What now, my love? - #
Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom
Now there is nothing
- # Only my last - #
Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom
- # Goodbye - #
Ba-ba-ba-bom, ba-ba-ba-bom
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bom
Ba-ba-ba-bom,
ba-ba-ba-bah
Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neh
Oh, Oh, Oh,
Thanks, Piggy, You
never sounded better,
OK, so I lie a little,
- Uh
Wire for Kermit the Frog,
Wire for Kermit the Frog,
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
- Of course I am,
Wire for you,
Haaa!
Cute, Cute bit,
- Oh,
Haaa! Oh!
I love a good running gag,
There's a great little
"down home country style,
sitting by the fire whittling and fiddling"
song called "Put Another Log on the Fire,"
Here now is that song, and here too
is tonight's very special guest star
Miss Candice Bergen,
Put another log on the fire
Cook me up some bacon and some beans
And go out to the
car and change the tire
Wash my socks and
sew my old blue jeans
Come on baby, you can fill my pipe
And then go fetch my slippers
And boiI me up another pot of tea
Then put another
log on the fire, babe
Come on, tell me
why you're leaving me
Now, don't I let you
wash the car on Sunday?
Don't I warn you
when you're getting fat?
Ain't I gonna take you
fishing with me someday?
Well, a man can't love
a woman more than that
And ain't I always
nice to your kid sister?
Don't I take her
driving every night?
So sit here at my feet 'cause
I like you when you're sweet
And you know it
ain't feminine to fight
So put another log on the fire
Cook me up some bacon and some beans
And go out to the
car and change the tire
Wash my socks and
sew my old blue jeans
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe
And then go fetch my slippers
And boiI me up another pot of tea
So put another log on the fire, babe
And come and tell me
why you're leaving me
Yeehah!
Letter for Kermit the Frog,
Letter for Kermit the
Frog, Letter for Ker
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
You know I am, Fozzie,
Letter for you,
Haaa haa, A letter, Haa,
Funny, Funny,
Haaa,
Someday I'm gonna get him, I don't
know how, but I'm going to get him,
It's not a bad joke, though,
Oh, uh Letter for Scooter the
gofer, Letter for Scooter the gofer,
What's that?
- Are you Scooter the gofer?
Well, you know I am, chief,
- There's a letter on the desk here for you,
Sorry, I'll have to read it later, You see,
I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen,
See ya,
- Haaa!
Haaa! Haaa!
Funny!
Hey, when I went to schooI,
I was the teacher's pet,
What's the matter?
Couldn't she afford a dog?
Oh!
If the queen of England was free tomorrow
night, would you take her to dinner?
Sure bet, Course I would,
Well, she can't make
it, so how about me?
You know, you dance like Rogers,
- Oh, Ginger Rogers?
No, Roy Rogers,
Hey, Mildred, would you mind
if I popped the question?
Oh, of course not, George,
Thanks,
Oh, shut up,
It's very nice to have you
with us on the paneI, Clara,
OK, uh It's time
once again, friends,
time once again to raise the
intellectuaI leveI of our program,
And our subject tonight is,
"Does traveI broaden the mind?"
Our paneI tonight consists of Mildred
Hockstadder, MA, BA, DA and DUMB,
Charmed, I'm sure,
- Oh, brother,
Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse
and black belt holder,
Mm-hm, Kissy,
kissy, - Ugh!
Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch,
- Let's move it along, Frog,
OK, And our special guest panelist Miss
Clara Cartwell, well-known traveI agent
and author of the best-selling
book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.
No, no, no, It's called
Europe on $50 a Day.
The book itself,
however, costs $5,000,
Hm, Hm, Hm,
And probably well worth it, too,
- Oh, yes, Yes,
Yes, Pictures and everything, I bet,
- Oh, yes, The works,
OK, but let's get back to our subject,
which is "Does traveI broaden the mind?"
Miss Cartwell,
Well, as I write in my new
book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day,
traveling is the most
broadening experience possible,
Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at
all, and she's broader than any of us,
Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't
be on the paneI, you'll be under it!
OK, Ladies, please controI yourselves,
- Excuse me, 'Scuse me, 'Scuse me,
Carla, let me apologize
for those weirdos,
I myself am a world traveler,
Is that right? Where have you been?
Persia,
I bought a rug there, Mm,
- Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it,
I like bald eagles,
No, uh
- Oh, dear,
Not that kind of rug,
Yes, OK, Well, I think we're
getting away from the subject,
which was "Does traveI
broaden the mind?"
Ah, Well, absolutely
no doubt about it,
For example, I had a friend
who never went anywhere,
lived in the same
town for over 30 years,
She was so unsophisticated, she thought
Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup,
To laugh is to live!
You mean it isn't an Italian soup?
And he calls himself a world traveler?
- No, no, wait,
I have been to restaurants where I have
ordered Marcello Mastroianni and gotten it,
Really? What did you get?
A swarthy, good-looking
man sitting in a bowI,
I always send him back,
What do you get when you
order a Russian dressing?
Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?
I faiI to see the humor in that,
- Oh, I love it,
Burst his balloon,
honey, he's so pompous,
Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either
let some air out, or go on a diet,
You're knocking me off the paneI,
I'll knock you out of the
theater in a second, You, you
OK, ladies, Wait, Please, Please,
We have a special guest with us,
I think you'd better put
your best face forward,
And whose face is Porker
here going to borrow?
That does it, Why
Hiii! Hii!
Wait! Well, I guess that
does it for our paneI,
I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell,
- Oh, no, It's been very broadening,
Do you really like me without my rug?
- Yes, I do, Are you busy later?
What? No, but I could, uh
We could wing out somewhere,
Join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution
- a modern myth?"
It's not where you start
It's where you finish
It's not how you go
It's how you land
A
hundred-to-one shot
They call him a klutz
Can outrun the favorite
All he needs is the guts
Your finaI return
Will not diminish
And you can be the cream of the crop
It's not where you start
It's where you finish
- # And I'm gonna finish on
- Rowlf, Hey, Rowlf, listen,
Kermit says you sang the song too quick,
You're gonna have to sing it again,
but you only have a minute, OK?
Here we go,
It's not where you
start, it's where you finish
It's not how you
go, it's how you land
A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
Can outrun the favorite,
all he needs is the guts
How am I doing?
The finaI return will not diminish
And you can be the cream of the crop
It's not where you
start, it's where you finish
- # And I'm gonna finish on
- Hey, Rowlf,
Rowlf, listen, It's my
uncle's favorite song,
He says he'd like to hear it one more
time, but you only have 20 seconds,
All right, hit it!
It's not where you
start, it's where you finish
- # It's not how you go, it's how you land
- That's 1 5 seconds,
A hundred-to-one shot,
they call him a klutz
Can outrun the favorite
all he needs is the guts
Ten seconds,
- # Your finaI return will not diminish
- # And you can be the cream of the crop
- Five seconds, Four,
It's not where you
start, it's where you finish
And I'm gonna finish on time
Nearly,
Cheese,
Got that?
- Yeah, Um
Kermit, do you think you could
do something a little more candid?
Uh Sure, Let's see,
How's that? Hm?
Well, it's not exactly candid,
Kermit, if you know what I mean,
Oh, OK, Yes, Candid for Candice,
Frog in repose,
What I was thinking was
something a little more naturaI,
More naturaI? Let's see,
What have we got? Well
Make sure you get my good side, though,
- Which one? Which side is the good side?
I think it's this side, It
might be this side over here,
Or maybe I dunno,
What do you think?
Well, I think that Head-on,
Why don't we try one head-on?
Just naturally, -
Head-on? OK, You know
Although my profile has
been compared to Barrymore,
Yeah, EtheI Barrymore,
Sweetums, if you don't mind,
Candice is trying to take my picture,
Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there?
- Yeah, That's a terrific camera,
This is an 85-21 0 macro zoom
lens with the finest Swiss optics,
This is a great camera,
- Oh,
Bleurgh!
I don't know, I've tasted better,
Kermit, he ate my camera,
- You're lucky, Last week he ate the guest,
Cute, It's a cute show,
Der speecy spicy chili juice,
Mm,
Here are der speecy spicy,
This here, the hotsie totsie,
Mm,
This here der pepper saucen,
Mm,
Ooh!
More speecy spicy
seesly chili juicely,
With the hotsie totsie,
Der pepper saucen,
Mm!
Look at that face
Just look at it
Look at that fabulous face of yours
I knew first look I took at it
This was a face
that the world adores
Look at those eyes
As wise and as deep as the sea
Look at that nose
It shows what a nose should be
As for your smile
It's IyricaI, friendly
and warm as a summer's day
That face is just a miracle
Where could I ever find words to say
The way that it makes me happy
Whatever the time or place?
I'll find in no book
What I find when I look at that face
Hm,
Interesting,
Rather definitive, yes?
Of course, Why not?
Inspired, but by what?
The way that it makes me happy
Whatever the time or place
I'll find in no book
Yeah! Yeah!
- # What I find when I look
AnimaI, that does not look like her,
I told you to paint her.
Oh, Thank you,
What I find when I look at that face
Uh Note for Kermit the Frog,
Note for Kermit the Frog,
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
- Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog,
Note for you,
G sharp,
Will you guys cut that out? Ow!
- Ha,
Funny!
Funny, I like it,
Time now for
"Veterinarian's Hospital, "
the continuing story of an orthopedic
surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
All right, Now, what's the next case?
- He's right here, Dr, Bob,
Of course, What's this man here for?
- A stomachache, Dr, Bob,
Stomachache, check,
There, now, That should
ache for some time,
He's also here for a sore throat,
- Easy,
Wait! I've got a sore
throat, I want it to go away,
Oh, Well, why didn't you say so?
Open up your mouth, Aha, Aha,
Aha!
I see the problem immediately,
- What is it, Dr, Bob?
This man has a frog in his throat,
- Are you certain?
Positive,
Very funny, Just see if this dumb doctor
sketch ever gets on the show again,
And so Dr. Bob has found a patient
with a case of ingrown TV-show host.
Tune in next week, when
you'll hear Dr. Bob say.
Oh, let's clean up around here,
This operating room is a mess,
That's nothing, You
should see it in here,
Watch this, Have I got a topper
for my running gag tonight!
Oh, it is too much, OK, watch,
Flower for Kermit the Frog,
Flower for Kermit the Frog, Flow
Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
You know I am, Fozzie,
Flour for you,
- Hm?
Haa, Haa,
See? See that? That's a joke,
Yeah, And that was the punch,
No, Fozzie, This is the punch,
Argh!
And I am all alone
There is no one here beside me
And my problems have all gone
There is no one to deride me
I'm here, It's me,
Because you have to have
friends, you see, Gonzo,
The feeling's oh so strong
Yes, you've got to have friends
To last that whole day long
I had some friends but they're gone
I said, something
come and took 'em away
And from the dusk to the dawn
Well, here is where I'll stay
Well, standing at the
end of the road, guys
Waiting for your new friends to come
I don't care if I'm hungry or cold
I gotta get me some
'Cause you gotta have friends
The feeling's oh so strong
Yes, you gotta have friends
To make that day last long
Yes, you gotta have friends
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Friends
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
- # Friends
- You have to have friends, you see,
You have to have friends, It's
very important in life to have them,
Don't you think? It is, though,
- # Friends
- # Yes, you've got to have friends
- # You gotta have friends
Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting
me wrap up the show tonight,
OK,
Now, let's thank our special
guest star Miss Candice Bergen,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time,
It's just that I'm a little worried
that maybe Kermit's upset with you,
You know what I mean,
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
He loves running gags, Oh, yeah,
- Pie for Fozzie the Bear,
Pie for Fozzie the Bear,
Are you Fozzie the Bear?
No,
Good, I got a pie for you anyway,
Look what you did,
We'll see you next
week on The Muppet Show.
You did that to the lady, The guest,
Are you all right?
I think I ought to see a doctor,
- Why do you say that?
I'm beginning to like the show,
[[Category:Muppet Show Transcripts]]