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It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's
special guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin is so thin he paints his head
gold and rents himself out as a flagpole,
To introduce our guest star
That's what I'm here to do
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you
Mr, Jim Nabors!
But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
This is what we call
The Muppet Show
Thank you, Thank you,
thank you, All right,
Here we are once again with
another great show for you,
with our special guest
star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
and all of this all of this
is coming to you, by the way,
from the Benny Vandergast
MemoriaI Theater,
We on The Muppet Show
owe everything to Benny,
Including three months back rent,
So in lieu of the rent, here's the
fantastic Dr, Teeth with "Money,"
Yeah!
Don't want no loving,
don't want no kissing
Don't want no girI to call me honey
Don't want my name
in the hall of fame
Just want a big fat pile of money
Give me that almighty dollar
For that lettuce, hear me holler
Give me buckets full of ducats
Let me walk around and wallow
In mazuma, el dinero
Wanna be a millionaire-oh
Give me money, money,
money, money, money
I want that green ammunition
That's the stuff for which I'm wishing
Fill my closets with
deposits I'm a demon in addition
Give me shekels, give me pesos,
let me see their smiling face-ohs
Money, money, money, money, money
Wanna get me a suit
that's made out of loot
And whistle "The
Wearing of the Green"
I've got that monetary-itis,
like to be just like King Midas
� Want that golden
touch is what I mean
� Give me that old double eagle
Want that tender that is legaI
And financially substantiaI
Any sum I can inveigle
Wanna live in regaI splendor
with that loving legaI tender
Money, money, money, money, money
I'm a greenback collector,
I'm a paper-bill inspector
I'm a savage for that cabbage
Man, to me it's golden nectar
Pour that filthy lucre on me
Spread those loving germs upon me
Money, money, money, money, money
And if they ever plant
trees of e pluribus unum
I wanna be the guy that
they send out to prune 'em
Oh, give me money, money,
Whoo, money, money, money
Money
They don't write the
old songs anymore,
Yeah,
They only write new ones,
- Yeah, Huh?
Oh, Dr, Teeth, you are one hip dude,
Nice number, nice number, Don't
lose any of that money though,
Oh, I won't, I won't,
Hi, Are you Kermit the Frog?
- Uh, yeah,
I'm Scooter,
- Cute, Cute name,
I'm your new gofer,
- Gopher? No, no,
We have frogs, pigs and chickens around
here, but we've never had a gopher,
Matter of fact, you don't
even look like a gopher,
Yeah, well, you don't understand,
You see, I'm your new gofer,
Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer
sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need,
I see,
- Yeah, well, I work reaI cheap
and I got plenty of ideas for your
theater, and I'll start tonight, OK?
Listen, kid, I'm sorry,
but you're too young,
you don't have any experience, and I
don't have any money for it in the budget,
Yeah, well, my uncle
owns this theater,
You start today, Get me a cup of
coffee, Your salary is 20 a week,
Stand by for the next number,
- Could you make it 25?
Are you kidding? I can't afford it,
- Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed,
How about 30?
My wife's not feeling well,
- Oh, sorry to hear it, What's the trouble?
She's got the shingles,
Muppet news flash.
Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station
attendant from Penny Box, Texas,
reported a flying saucer landed
at his station last night,
Said Mr, Boomer:
They didn't want no gas, they
just wanted to use the restroom.
Can't say as I blame them. Said they'd
traveled 83 million miles without a stop.
Hey, AnimaI, Are you on next?
- Yeah,
Well, as they say in show
business, break a leg,
Huh?
- I said break a leg,
Oh, thank you,
Ow!
George, George, Come here,
- I'm busy,
Come here, Have you met
Scooter? This is Scooter,
He's our new gofer, so if you need
anything around here, you know
Need anything? Me? Need anything
from some young kid? Huh,
Listen, kid, I've been with this theater
since the very beginning, you know?
Before that new guy
bought it and ruined it,
Now the roof leaks and the seats are
torn, the furnace is on the fritz
I tell you, he is the worst,
- Yeah, he's my uncle,
He is the best,
What's a theater without problems?
- Right,
Your uncle's got a good
head on his shoulders,
Unlike some people around here,
Ten, eleven, twelve
Yeah, go,
You know, my marriage was wrecked
by something really stupid,
What was that?
- My husband,
My doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu,
- What did he say to do?
He says take two fortune cookies
and he'd call me in the morning,
Do you believe in the hereafter?
- Oh, yes,
Wow, then you know
what I'm here after,
Oh, I just love this music,
Are you listening to me?
Your voice is music to my ears,
You got something I've been
looking for all my life,
Well, it's halftime,
It is?
- Yeah,
What's the score?
- Muppets six, audience nothing,
All right, now this is what you call your
dog kind of music here, as you'll see,
Sing it,
Bowery corner
Foggy night
Passing crowd
Electric light
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
German chef
Can of tin
Sausages are boiled within
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf,
Yellow dog
Nearby prowls
Smells a sausage
Softly growls
Clumsy man
Wooden leg
Upsets the boiler with his peg
Spills a sausage
Scatters wurst
Yellow dog, he gets there first
He grabs the sausage
Splits the fog
It's another
case of dog-eat-dog
It's another
case of dog-eat-dog
Hey, you know, Jim, it's a reaI
pleasure to have you with us on the show,
Well, thank you, Kermit, It's
a reaI pleasure to be here,
I'm sort of an old country
boy and I feeI right at home
with all these chickens
and roosters and pigs,
Especially that Miss
Piggy, I just love her,
Piggy Lee,
- You called, my love?
Hey, Miss Piggy,
Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I were
just trying to hold a quiet conversation,
Oh, go right ahead, Don't mind me,
Kermit, one thing, I never know
whether to call him Jim or Gomer,
Well, I guess it is kinda confusing, You
see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for
Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle,
- Oh, thank you,
Well, I played him for so long
I guess I get confused myself,
But it goes along with my astrologicaI
sign, You see, I'm a Gemini,
That means I got twin personalities,
Oh, yeah, Hey, listen,
well, I'm a Taurus,
You're Taurus, That's the
sign of the bull, isn't it?
I'm a bullfrog,
That's just a little joke,
- What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Well, I, uh, wasn't born under
a sign, I was born over a sign,
At Becker's Butcher Shop,
I moved as soon as possible,
I don't blame you,
- Mm, mm,
Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being
a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
Well, it sure does, you know, because I
talk like this, but then I sing like this:
What happened to Kermit?
- He doesn't appreciate classicaI music,
But it drives me bananas,
Oh, sing again, please
- Wait a minute, Miss Piggy,
Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing,
- ControI yourself, Miss Piggy, Kermit!
Kermit? Kermit? Could you
H-h-hold it, - Yeah, Fozzie, Wh-wh-what?
Listen, "Wh-wh-what?"
Listen, Listen,
There is a young kid following
me all around the theater,
Yeah, I know, His name is Scooter,
Cute, Cute name,
- Yeah,
The trouble is, you see,
he's following me all around
and giving me these jokes
for my act and they are awfuI,
Fozzie, how would you know?
How would I know? Smarty-frog,
OK, OK, listen, Here's one of these
jokes he gave me, It's terrible,
OK, a joke,
- Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes,
I stay at a hoteI so exclusive
room service has an unlisted number,
That's funny!
Scooter!
Scooter?
Here they are, the world's finest and
most morally unobjectionable singing team,
Wayne and Wanda,
And now, "Indian Love Call,"
When I'm calling yoooooooooooou
Hey, baby, You called?
Oh!
OK, uh
Uh, here we are, moving right along
now, the comedy star of our show -
the man who comes to us direct
from a very long engagement,
but a very short marriage,
the man who thinks that Elton
John is a singing bathroom -
I'd like now to bring out one of
the top comics of the business
Hey, since he's not here
bring out the regular guy,
OK, here he is now, our very own
barreI of boffs, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,
Time for fun with Fozzie Bear,
Here's some jokes from everywhere,
Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear,
It's time for the
audience to go elsewhere,
If you don't
mind, I'll do the jokes,
We don't mind, But when
are you gonna do 'em?
Pay no attention to them, folks,
They don't bother me, I can
handle hecklers in my sleep,
Oh, well, don't tell that to
the audience, They're asleep too,
Uh, uh
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Oh, Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Listen, I'm gonna tell you my
best joke and if you don't laugh
then I'll never come back
out on this stage again, OK?
It's a deaI,
- Yeah,
Oh,
Ah, Ah, uh, uh
These two cannibals were talking, One
cannibaI says to the other cannibaI:
"Who was that lady I saw
you out with last night?"
The other cannibaI says, "That
was no lady, that was my lunch,"
I got you, I got you, And I
lied, That was my worst joke,
Oh, I love me when I'm
good, Pacing, timing
Why did we laugh at
that terrible joke?
Well, either we're getting soft or
we're in the first stages of senility,
Go-o-olly,
Here it is, my first night at
Benson's Bakery as a watchman,
and I gotta be reaI carefuI
to not let anybody in here,
Uh-oh, Here comes
somebody now, -
Wait! Stop right there, Stop right there,
Put up your hands, Put up your hands,
I beg pardon?
- Your hands, Put 'em up,
Oh, Oh, OK,
What's that?
- Those are my hens,
Where shall I put 'em?
- Well, right here on the table, I guess,
OK,
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute,
What right have you got to be here?
What rat do I have? Well,
I got this rat right here,
Oh, well, I guess you do
have a right to be here,
Mm, Thank you,
Now, wait a minute, Don't move a hair,
- OK,
What's that?
- That's the hare I'm not supposed to move,
Now, wait a minute, I don't
want any beef out of you,
No beef, OK, Here's some pork,
No, no, Now wait just a minute,
What are all you animals doing here?
This is supposed to be a bakery,
You see, the farmer's been losing
money, We came here to raise some dough!
Well, well, well, I'm sure glad
we got that straightened out,
For a minute there I thought
you were just being silly,
Let me tell you about
my nearsighted cousin
Hi, Fozzie,
- Let me tell you
Oh, Oh, Hi, Hi, Scooter,
Hey, Foz, you know,
I think you're the greatest
comedian there ever was,
Me?
You think that I'm the
Oh, wow,
Really, I mean it, Cross my heart,
- Yeah?
You're the best, Nobody, nobody
tells a joke as good as you,
Every line, every joke, everything you
say, it makes me fall down laughing,
You're a million laughs,
- OK, Hey, hey,
in that case, let me tell you
about my nearsighted cousin,
He's so rich his automobile's fitted
with a prescription windshield,
OK, tell me about him,
Lucky his uncle owns this place,
That was a joke!
And now, once again,
folks, Mr, Jim Nabors,
Well, life on the
farm is kinda laid back
Ain't much an old country
boy like me can't hack
It's early to rise
and early in the sack
Thank God I'm a country boy
Simple kind of life
never done me no harm
I'm raising me a family
and working on a farm
My days are all filled
with an easy country charm
Thank God I'm a country boy
Well I got me a fine
wife I got me old fiddle
The sun's coming up I
got cakes on the griddle
Life ain't nothing
but a funny funny riddle
Thank God I'm a country boy
Work's all done and the sun's setting low
I pull out my fiddle and I rosin up my bow
The kids are asleep
so I keep it kinda low
Thank God I'm a country boy
I'd play "Sally
Goodin" all day if I could
But the Lord and the wife
wouldn't take it very good
I fiddle when I can
and I work when I should
Thank God I'm a country boy
Well, I got me a fine
wife I got me old fiddle
The sun's coming up I
got cakes on the griddle
Life ain't nothing
but a funny funny riddle
Thank God I'm a country boy
Yaa-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
I wouldn't trade my
life for diamonds or jewels
I never was one of
them money-hungry fools
I'd rather have my
fiddle and my farming tools
Thank God I'm a country boy
City folks driving
in a black limousine
A lot of sad people
think that's mighty keen
Folks, let me tell
you exactly what I mean
Thank God I'm a country boy
Well, I got me a fine
wife I got me old fiddle
When the sun's coming up
I got cakes on the griddle
Life ain't nothing
but a funny funny riddle
Thank God I'm a country boy
Fiddle was my daddy's
till the day that he died
He took me by the hand
and held me close to his side
Said, "Live a good life,
play the fiddle with pride"
Thank God I'm a country boy
My daddy taught me young
how to hunt and how to whittle
He taught me how to work
and play a tune on the fiddle
Taught me how to love
and give just a little
Thank God I'm a country boy
Well, I got me a fine
wife I got me old fiddle
As the sun's coming up
I got cakes on the griddle
Life ain't nothing
but a funny funny riddle
Thank God I'm a country boy
Well, that just about
wraps it up for another one,
We want to give our special thanks to our
very special guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
Yeah, let's hear it from you all,
Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time,
- I sure did, Kermit,
But tell me, who was that little fella who
kept following me through after the show?
Oh, that's Scooter, His
uncle owns the theater,
You called?
- No, I didn't,
Oh, that's OK, Kermit,
He was reaI nice,
He picked up my coffee and
he picked up my wardrobe
Yeah, I even picked up his
accent, Well, go-o-olly!
Be carefuI he doesn't try
to pick up your paycheck,
I'm shocked!
- I'm Fozzie,
I'm Piggy,
- I'm AnimaI,
Well, I'm saying good night, We'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Go-o-olly, -
Go-o-olly,
Pay up, They made it
through another one,
Double or nothing, next week's show?
- You're on,
[[Category:Muppet Show Transcripts]]