HAVE I GOT MADE-UP NEWS 4 YOU?
Good evening, this is Channel Four News, with me, Jon Sox, well, not so much news as a nightly digest of our prejudices and resentments, dressed-up as news, here in LuvvieLand.
And tonight, how you can help overturn the result of the US election,
Kylie CrowFace'll be reporting for us from Washington,
a town still reeling from the truly disgusting and actually unspeakable outcome of the election.
Krishnan
will be in Germany for you,
lending your support and good wishes to Chancellor Merkel, our last surviving liberal, as the world lurches towards a right-wing apocalypse, and as she says farewell to America's greatest-ever President, wotsisname, the black guy, and I'll be questioning the arch-Brexiteer, traitor, liar, untrustworthy backstabber and generally deplorable Michael Spit
C'mon, admit it, Mr Spit,
you lied and lied and lied, didn't you?
Where IS that £350,000,000 per day which you promised sick and dying people?
I mean, we've now left Europe, so tell our viewers, where IS that money?
Well actually Jon, is it OK if I call you Jon? We are all in showbusiness together, aren't we, after all? Actually, Jon, if you don't mind me saying so, we haven't actually left Europe yet, if you don't mind my saying so. And thanks so very much for having me on the programme, by the way; it really is most gracious of you, if you don't mind me saying so. Which I am sure you don't, although you are of course at liberty to do so, should you choose so to do, thank you very much.
I'll be asking the fascistic Spit about whether he will be putting his hand in his own pocket to pay the three hundred and fifty million pounds a day which he and his fellow plotters promised the NHS, the very minute that enough bigots and racists and stupid, hate-filled people had voted for the end of Civilisation itself - which is what Brexit really is - and if not, then why not? And Cathy will be explaining why people clinging quite cruelly and unreasonably to notions of fixed gender are now - quite rightly in my judgement, I mean, lessfaceit, if you disagree with me, you simply must be a fascist, a person of hate - being revealed as the ghastly bigots which they really are.
As Rabbie Burns, the great Welsh poet once said, a man's a man for a' that, but he's also a woman, if he feels like it, and aren't we all, deep down?
Cathy talk to parents who support their children's sexual identity experimentation, and explains why they need more taxpayers' money in order to fully express themselves, as members of the opposite sex to what they actually are, and why supporting them is frankly crucial to the nation's whatchamacallit. Here, we offer them our best wishes, Channel Four News, the Voice of Minority Rights, whatever the minority, however stupid, selfish and unreasonable, here, at C4N, we're for it.
Inky people, for instance.
Should the Inkies have to pay, themselves, out of their own pockets to have their tattoos removed or altered to reflect their move along the Sexual Identity Spectrum. Or shouldn't we all put our hands in our pockets to support the right of people to have themselves scribbled upon by
illiterate, gabshite, back-street, tattoo'n'piercing artists?
The Liberal Democrat conference, below,
will be urging the protection of Inky Rights.
Their leader, Susan Farron, says that after overturning the democratically-arrived-at decision to leave the EU, his party's first priority will be the establishment of an Inky Rights Commission.
Sulky Sue.
The British people would expect no less of me, as leader of the Liberal Democrats, than for me to support every known form of depravity and perversion.
I am reaching-out to the Inky People, they are a vast constituency, crying-out for the sort of political leadership which only I can give them.
We'll be taking an in-depth look at the overwhelming case for Inky Rights.
But now, from America, Here's Kylie.
Thanks, Jon, and the news from here is that in the only parts of the country which matter vast numbers of, indeed, nearly all Americans have taken to the street in the struggle to remove the unelected dictator, Trump, after his disgusting and dishonourable campaign to rob Hillary of her rightful place in Corruption, I mean History, as the first woman president. I mean, lessbefair, Jon, Hillary and the arabs bought and paid for that presidency fair'n'square and it is rightfully hers and it is clearly a scar on democracy that the people voted for a Nazi, instead.
But they didn't, did they, Kylie, Hillary won the largest number of votes and so shouldn't she be president, shouldn't she and her husband, the great, liberal reformer, Spunky Bill, be back in the White House?
Yes, thanks, Jon, and that's right, the whole Clinton family, Hills'n'Bill'n'Chels.... Chels? Yes it's short for Chelsea Morning, an old Bob Dylan song,
Kylie sings:
Woke-up, it was a Chelsea Morning and de-doo-doo, doo-doo-dooooh,
and Bob, as we know, has just won the Peace Prize, y'know for causing peace, so just how cool, how prescient were Hills'nBills to call their child after a great, anthemic protest song by Bob.......
Joni Mitchell, Kylie, it was Joni Mitchell....
What?
It was a Joni Mitchell song, Kylie, Chelsea Morning, not a Bob Dylan song.
We old stoners know all about Bob Mitchell.
No, I don't mean Bob Mitchell.
Hang on, I'll just inhale some memory linctus.
Yep, Joby Mitchum, that's the girl.
Yep, Jobi Mitchum, an iconic, an inspirational artist, from the 'sixties, a singer-songwriter, and let's face it, where would we be, without singer-songwriters, writing songs and then singing them to us, and in rhyme, too, words that rhyme, so much easier to remember than just ordinary, stupid words, that don't rhyme; singer-songwriters, I mean, it's not as though we could ever actually, y'know, just have quite enough songs, more than enough songs to be going on with, like, between us, and on the youtube, and in our record collections.
In fact, Kylie, to paraphrase the great statesman and egalitarian, Baron Kinnock of Graft and Filth;
Never, never, not ever, and wholly and totally, and competely and inarguably and unprecedentedly in the field of light entertainment have so many fuckwits been sung-to by so many other fuckwits.
The Ballad of Glenys'n'Me Getting Rich.
(comp. Neil Kinnock, aka The People's Baron.)
Ah-on-two-three:
We're Aaaaa-right,
We're Aaaaa-right,
We're Aaaaa-right
(continues, ad nauseum, through crooked Europe,
crooked directorships, crooked sinecures and the crooked House of Crooked Lords.)
Those Kinnock filthsters, they are Aaaaa-right.
What a shame, that they can't take their stolen Euro money with them, Down Below.
In fact, some people, the stupid rightwingers, maybe, who voted for Brexit, some of them might argue that there are already more'n enough songs. Who needs any more fucking songs?
But not me.
No. I believe it's vital to our national, spiritual wellbeing that we have a self-renewing crop of singer-songwriters, singing to us. About what they think. About things. And stuff, stuff like feelings. I'd go so far as to say that for most decent people, if they didn't have singer-songwriters, writing songs and singing them, then they wouldn't know what they felt, about things. And stuff. And issues.
I mean, I don't know how they managed, in the Renaissance and the Enlightenment, without people like James Taylor and Jackson Browne, singer-songwriting for them. I mean, it's one thing, working class people, without a liberal bone in their bodies, singing Knees-Up Muvver Brahn, Knees-Up Muvver Brahn, under the table you must go, ee-aye, ee-aye, addie-oh, that's one thing, and people who sing songs like that, well, they're the sort of bigots who voted for Brexit, but artists like Adele, singing about her fat, stupid, fucked-up life. Or Amy Wino, and her Dad, singing about drunkenness and drug addiction; that's, well, that's like a sort of a fanfare for the not common man, like me, who wouldn't dream of voting for Brexit.
But Jobi Mitchum, she was truly iconic.
Yes and influential and I think you'll find that that mr mongoose, he was a fan, although now he thinks she has gone insane.
Ice-cream castles in the air, I tell you,
ice-cream castles in the air.
Joni Mitchell, now.
A veritable portrait of the artist as a mad old lady.
Woke up, it was a crazy-old-person morning.
Well, that's his right, this mr mongose, whoever he is. That's his right, for now. But just for now.
But I happen to think that she was iconic, Jobi Wotsername. Rather like myself.
What's iconic mean, Jon?
Jon Sox,
with his icon award, awarded by other icons,
on a Buggin's Turn basis,
all shall have prizes.
Well, as I said, Kylie, it means a bit like myself, famous, well-paid, obviously, with lots of socks, yes, and ties, and respected by their peers as well as their fans,
the people watching the show.
Right, and Mr Mongoose, who's he?
Lower case, Kylie, mr mongoose.
Lower case? Why's that?
It's just that that mr ishmael puts them all in lower case, the names of his contributors, Kylie, because they're not proper names; well they are proper names but only in the sense of them being noms des plumes, noms des plumes propre, to be precise. It's more that they're not real names. And so he puts them in lower case, just an affectation of his, really, there's no reason that a nom de plume shouldn't be capitalised....
Nomsday Ploom?
What's a Nomsday Ploom?
And who's mr ishmael? Is he the editor? Is he a muslim, sounds like a muslim, not that there's anything wrong with muslims, unlike what the Great Tyrant, Trump says. And he says that they should all be deported to Mexico.
Well, Kylie, in a sense I suppose he is the editor, mr ishmael.......
Well, woddever, Jon,
fuck him, whoever he is.
He's not standing in front of the White House, I am.
And Hills'n'Bill'n'Chels are effectively and to all intents and purposes and quintessentially American royalty, which is what everyone here believes in, clearly;
neo-liberal royalty, talking, nobly, as does all royalty, about the poor, even though, obviously, they don't give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. Royalty, isn't that what defines America? Isn't that what the Revolution was all about, about the slave-owning, ethnic cleansing, European, criminal migrant riff-raff having their own branch of royalty?
Well, Kylie, I know just what you mean about a shared royalty. Most of us, most decent people in the UK, are still mourning the death of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, a truly great liberal, a man who would stop at nothing to give young women, the younger the better, a leg-over, I mean a leg-up, even drowning them in his automobile and running away. I mean, you don't get much more royal that that, do you?
But you were saying Kylie, about America's Desolation, post-Trump?
Thanks, Jon, and thassright but here's something I've learned since being C4's US correspondent, and talking to the lower orders.
Did you know Jon, that it was Scotchmen, invented the Ku Klux Klan? No, really, it was.
After the First Civil War a bunch of disgruntled Aberdonian-immigrant slave owners set up the KKK, in order to frustrate reform and terrorise nigger trash, deprive them of the vote, yes, just like now, only they initially called it the KKC, KuKlux being a greek phrase meaning circle and the C standing for the Scottish clan - a circle of family, geddit? - and the fiery cross which they used to intimidate negroes originated in the Scottish cran tarra, a burning cross signifying a declaration of war, back in the Old Country.
No, no, Jon, I wouldn't mention it to First Minister Gnasher, next time she's on the show; mad enough, isn't she; I know she's a woman, Jon, and therefore automatically suited for, well, whatever she wants to do, really, but there's just no sense in fuelling her illness by calling her
the Imperial Grand Wizardess of the Scoattish people.
Is there, Jon? That would just be pure nutterophobia, wouldn't it
The SNK.
Klansmen de nos jours.
Well, what else would you call them?
Zombie flag-waving white supremacist mongreltrash.
Well, Kylie, as everyone knows I've actually won many prizes for being phobia-phobic,
so you'll get no argument from me but don't you worry your pretty little head, only her own klansmen take Gnasher seriously, don't they, so we don't concern ourselves about her rantings and ravings, she's certainly not Hillary, is she?
Especially not, going forward, after the Great European Rejection Tour.
La porte, Madame Gnasher, pour returnez-vous a l'Ecosse avec les mains empty, c'est ici.
Au revoir, ma petit chien fou,
et ne hastez-vous pas back.
But setting the Klan aside, Kylie,
what's your take on Hillary's role in American life, as we go forward.
Thassright, Jon, thass just so right.
Going forward, Hillary has, in fact, just made a poweful speech to a handful of mad old lesbians who love her. And do you know what, Jon, even speaking humbly and as a woman. down but by no means out, Hillary, ever professional, hugely insincere, bullshit oozing from every pore, even after having been robbed of her birthright, Hillary lied honestly and spontaneously from a script on her autocue and very modestly suggested that one day, if a woman would be president it would be thanks to her. Even though the opposite would be true, Jon, that it would be despite her.
Mendacity, even in humiliating defeat.
And, Oh puh-lease, would the Deplorables stop calling for her to be jailed for a lifetime of corruption, malfeasance and murder, people like her, women with lotsa stolen money, simply do not go to jail.
And Amen to that, Kylie.
I mean, what sort of an unelightened, illiberal world would it be, if the rich and powerful and well-connected went to jail?
Wow, man, that'd just be so far out. It'd, like, y'know, turn Reason on it's head, wouldn't it? Going forward.
Thassright, Jon.
The noblesse obligebility of better people, people like Hillary. It is absolutey vital to America and to all of us - the Kennedys, the Bushes, the Clintons and hopefully the Obamas, a secure American monarchy, each family taking its turn in being elected unopposed. And Jon, one thing that's not generally known here, but as a journalist I've managed to unearth, is that, y'know, Jon,
how everyone says that the Clintons are owned by the Banks/Organised Crime? Right? Well, what's wrong with that? When you consider that the greatest dynasty of all, the Kennedys, were owned, Jon, lock, stock and barrel by the Mob?
I mean, it was the Mafia, especially Mr Sam Giancana, who, enlisted by Mr Frankie "Spic" Sinatra,
yes, thassright, Jon, the Bruce Springbeard of his day,
No business like showbusiness,
Brucie, like Frankie, so far up his own stupid, posturing, egomaniacal asshole that he would tutor his foolish fans on how to vote; so vain that like wee Frankie he fancied himself Kingmaker.
Idiots, entertainers; it's a wonder that they still know how to breathe.
got Jack Kennedy through the primaries, by means of bribery and threats, and then it was the unions, again, owned and run my the Mafia, who got him elected. Well, yes, they mighta bumped him off later, the Mafia, but most people have been taught that it was the phenomenal marksmanship of Lee Patsy Wotsit, acting alone, which robbed America and the world of the drug addict and great womaniser JFK. And lessfaceit some more, Jon, Jackie Kennedy wouldn't have bitched about Monica Lewinsky, either, would she; after all, you didn't see Jackie saying, Climb over the back of the car and retrieve your own bitsa fuckin' brain,
you faithless, lyin', drugged-up, pampered sonofafuckinbitch, like maybe she should've done, or saying, get that whore, Marilyn Monroe,
to go pick 'em up with her tits.
Happy blowjob, Mr President.
And that's the natural order of things. Women stand by their man, like Hills did, no matter how big a cunt he is, and so should the voters. You know, the Kennedys and the Mafia; the Bushes and the House of Saud; the Obamas, the Clintons and the Financial Terrorists in the Banks, this is just traditional American Democracy, isn't it? Handed down from one dynasty to another.
A young misogynist, Spunky Bill, meets an older mysoginist, Spunky JFK.
And so this so-called election, this utter travesty, Jon, in which the voters preferred an ignoble, greedy, stupid, redneck shitkicker to the pure royalty of the rotten thieving-bastard Clintons, that was not so much an election as a coup de tete, Jon......
D'etat, Kylie, coup d'etat, not coup de tete.......
Yes, Jon and thanks,
this so-called election is being seen here, by people who matter, as little more than a wotsaname, a coup de hat, in a very real sense, in which the mob, for that's all they are, have invaded the palace, stolen the crown and put it on the head of a commoner. Viewers will agree with me that we are at the beginning of a new Dark Age. It's like the Romans have left us and we are waiting for the Europeans to come and rescue us from ourselves. Isn't it? What with Brexit and Trumpageddon and everything.
It's like the beginning of the mediaeval period, all over again.
No, Kylie, the Dark Ages all over again, the mediaeval period started when the Normans came, more or less.
Normans?
Were they, like, all called Norman and they invaded us?
That was Kylie Moron there, for us, in an edgy Washington, a town I know rather well, a place I have come to adore, having been sent there at your expense, viewers, rather often, in fact at every slightest opportunity, to suck Democrat cock - at which I'm rather good - at every slightest opportunity, I'm off to Washington DC.
.
Washington, last beacon of worthless, self-serving faux-liberal hope, a place where GlobaCrime, quite rightly, runs the legislature, the judiciary, the military, lawnforcement and where my colleagues in the media print and report exactly what they are told so to do by their masters, the very essence, in fact, of modern, liberal democracy.
And yet tonight, my beloved Washington is a place where the Confederate flag, even now,
is already beginning to flutter frighteningly over US govament buildings,
and the Ku Klux Klan are said to be taking over.
Civil War? Who can tell? But probably.
Stay safe Kylie.
To Krishnan, now, in Europe for us. I'm not so keen on going to Europe, myself. I much prefer the United States, although a trip to Rome at your expense is sometimes welcome, some great shopping there, for the socks and neckties so vital to proper journalism. The thing with Krishnan is that often he's busy on crappy panel shows, in which he sits like a dummy,
looking like a whore at a hockey match, surrounded by proper comedians - what? why does he do Eight Out Of Ten Cats? -
fucked if I know. It's like, why do I do Have I Got Stale News For You?
I mean, I obviously have a job for my natural life, taxpayer-funded, well-paid and pensioned and as I was just saying to Kylie, I am an icon; why would I go and let that dismal, tedious nutter, Paul Merton, make a cunt of me?
But I do.
I suppose we do it for the money,
you can never have enough, can you,
and at the end of the day we are all in showbusiness.
I mean,sometimes, Krishnan is actively involved in saving people's lives, as do all journalists, when there's a camera around,
but he's here for us, now, in Germany, with his take on President Obama's farewell tour. Krish?
Thanks, Jon and that's right. And he's getting a hero's welcome, too, President Obama, from the Hermanns.
The Hermanns, Krish, you didn't say the Hermanns, did you?
I shouldn't need to remind someone like you that NaziPhobia is strictly frowned-upon, here on C4News. I mean, it was all a very long time ago, and things were very different, then.
I mean, you can't hold a nation responsible for its history, can you? Unless it's Russia or Syria or Iraq. I mean, Mrs, I mean Frau Merkel's Germany is now the acknowledged leader of the Free world, isn't it?
Yes, I know, it is strange, Jon, me harping-on about history, but they really did used to put people like him, Obama - yes, and people like me - in the gas ovens.
Nazis Violated Geneva Convention by Imprisoning and Killing Black Soldiers Black prisoners of war faced illegal incarceration and mistreatment at the hands of the Nazis, who did not uphold the regulations imposed by the Geneva Convention (an international agreement on the conduct of war and the treatment of wounded and captured soldiers). For instance, L
Schwarzers, they called us; German for the n-word, I suppose.
And their then-chancellor, chap called Hitler, for younger viewers, who don't know - although they don't give a fuck about that, more concerned about having their cocks cut off and turned into fannies and texting pictures of the whole grisly butcher's shop to the rest of the world - chap called Hitler, anyway, caused the deaths of sixty million people, some of them Jews, some of them blacks, some of them homosexuals and fucking millions upon millions of them Russians.
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