The 3D Realms Anthology Review
3D Realms, previously called Apogee Software, have released their definitive collection of all their greatest hits in one package on Steam. For anyone growing up with a PC in the nineties, playing certain games was a must, especially the triple D’s; Doom, Diablo and Duke. Well, now you can have almost every 3D Realms game on your PC or Mac.
When I was offered my assignment of reviewing the 3D Realms Anthology, I was ecstatic. Sure, most are freeware and could easily be picked up on a ton of retro sites, but to have the real deal was almost too good to be true. I got so giddy at the idea of playing some of those old classic games; legends like Duke Nukem, and- um… Well, Duke Nukem.
So, I told my wife and daughter to hang back for a while, because Daddy’s got to kick ass and chew bubble gum. So as I downloaded the whole package and listened to some of the included CD as I made myself a giant hamster bottle filled with Mountain Dew, and set up timed food deliveries. I was ready to sit down for a good, long three days of playing these classic games.
You know what I realized? Fond memories are better left in the past. You ever hang out with that friend you used to really get along with, but then find out they haven’t aged really well, and all those bad traits that they had before, are somehow worst. That’s the 3D Realms Anthology.
Most of the games on here, I’ll admit- I’ve never heard of. Bio Menace, Major Strkyer, Crystal Caves? Duke Nukem 3D of course, but everything else was kinda fuzzy. So, I did what any reviewer would do- I went in and played every game and wrote a mini-review of each. I can honestly say, I wasn’t a huge fan of their catalogue.
Believe me- if you like side scrolling games where you collect orbs in order to open a door, you’re probably going to be in heaven, because that’s like 75% of this collection. There’s only three or four first-person shooters, a couple of puzzle games, and a few scrolling shooters. Everything outside of those bigger games are ones you could only have fun by revelling in their nostalgia, or by simply fulfilling your curiosity. They’re not Action 52 bad, but they certainly not good.
Alright, I may be coming down a little hard on the package- maybe time makes fools of us all. But since they’re charging $40 for this collection, I have a duty to tell you if it’s worth it. If you’re looking for Duke Nukem 3D, find it somewhere else. This package simply isn’t worth it. Below, I have documented every game and my thoughts. There’s some good ones in there, a bunch of them were released into the public domain. Before buying, you might want to consider trying to find them yourself (In fact, the anthology is all ran off DosBox anyways…).
Alien Carnage (1993) – You play as Halloween Harry in this 2D action sidescroller as he takes on aliens, who’re trying to enslave the human race by turning them into zombies. The game features mazes that you’ll have to navigate through as you search for survivors. You can pick up additional weapons, but your primary flamethrower should dispatch most of your opponents. Lacking the ability to jump, Harry uses the same fuel in his jetpack, so conserving your fuel is a must if you hope to make your way through the maps.
Playing this brought back some nostalgia, but I imagine this type of game is just too out-dated to be enjoyed anymore. Even though I saw the charm it had back in the early 90’s, now-a-days games like this just come across as being too simplistic to get immersed in. The game only made me want to play Zombies Ate My Neighbours, which came out in the same year, and features co-op. That, and it had more than four level designs.
Pharaoh’s Tomb (1990) – In this game you’re Nevada Smith (not to be confused with Indiana Jones), a young research assistant to an archaeologist professor. When he takes your work and goes to find the greatest discovery the world has ever known, you decide you won’t let him take all the credit. You grab a bag and head out to Egypt in this 2D action sidescroller.
The game is just painful by today’s standards. Using the FAST (Fluid Animation Software Technology) engine, its character and obstacles are bound to the squared off volumes, making platforming difficult. Being that this game is all about timed jumps and avoiding obstacles, it makes it almost unbearable. I couldn’t imagine many people having fun with this game, given its lack of audio or thoughtful level design.
Pharoah’s Tomb 2 – Arctic Adventure (1991) – Sequel to Pharaoh’s Tomb, you once again play Nevada Smith, and together with the help of Dr. Jones (Yeah, they went ahead and did it) you go out in search of new treasures. Everyone’s saying you’re a fluke, but you’ll show them by finding a Viking treasure that’s hidden in the arctic.
Of course, this game is just like its predecessor- slow, clunky and lacking most sound effects or any kind of music. This one is slightly different, however, as it introduces an overworld, so players can choose which of the 20 maps they’ll take on first. There’s a few new changes as well, mostly having to do with sliding on ice blocks adding even more difficulty to the crippling game. It’s not impossible, but I couldn’t imagine people playing the whole game through.
Balls of Steel (1997) – Featuring 5 different tables, Balls of Steel is the only pinball game ever developed by the Pinball Wizards label, which was a division of 3D Realms. The tables featured are Darkside (a space station overrun with aliens), Barbarian (Fantasy setting featuring dragons and the four elements), Firestorm (Police try to stop a bomber from destroying the city), Mutation (A deadly toxin is released in a lab, creating a monster), and of course a Duke Nukem table.
What can I say- it’s a pinball game. It’s not bad, but it’s no Pinball FX2. The screen scrolls with the ball, making it difficult to see your falling ball’s path of descent, so it’s tougher than it needs to be. The artwork is cool, and each table has its own unique play style. Overall, it was fun, but far from memorable.
Bio Menace (1993) – A 2D action platformer, this game was created by one man: Jim Norwood. Players control the mulleted CIA operative Snake Logan, who goes into Metro City to recon the area in his plane. Thankfully for us, he crashes his plane and now has to take down some aliens.
Being developed by one man, I’d assume this game wouldn’t be very fun- but it might be one of the better games in this anthology. No joke, it has all the same hallmarks of the assortment of Apogee 2-D shooters, but this game just does most of what it tries to accomplish right. The enemies are bizarre, the music is strange and the stages are interesting. I went further than I thought I would; I doubt I’d run through the whole thing, but there’s a charm to it that you’ll only get when there wasn’t a committee to ruin the horse.
Blake Stone: Aliens of Gold & Planet Strike (1993 & 1994) – Using the Wolfenstein 3D engine, you’re bound to get some comparisons. This game sets itself apart by placing it in 2140, where you’re the titular British Intelligence agent who must take down Dr. Goldfire and the organization STAR. He plans on conquering and enslaving the planet by using genetically modified aliens and creating his own evil blend of mutants. You’re tasked with taking out his six bases before he can begin his assault on Earth.
If you’ve ever played Wolfenstein, you’ve played this game; except instead of a race of genetically modified super mutants with plans on conquering the world, you’re fighting aliens. The sequel has some improved visuals and better controls, but features near invisible enemies that’s almost impossible to detect. Overall, both of these games should be fun if you still enjoy this type of shooter, but pales in comparison to Doom which was released around the same time.
Cosmo’s Cosmic Adventure (1992) – This side scrolling platformer is a rather interesting entry, with a unique art style and gameplay. You play an alien child named ‘Cosmo’, whose parents are taking him to Disneyland. No, seriously- Disneyland. Traveling to this alien planet to visit a theme park based on the most copyrighted characters ever, their ship crashes on a strange planet, leaving Cosmo to fend for himself.
This game is simply weird. The game starts with a Bobby Prince ‘borrowed’ rendition of ZZ Top’s Tush, which doesn’t fit the tone of the game at all. You run around collecting tons of alien fruits, while stomping on enemies. This game was released in direct competition of Super Mario Brothers 3, and in many ways looked to top the juggernaut, but the game’s frame rate is dismal. It’s hard enough jumping on enemies when the camera’s floating with you; throw in bad frame rate and you probably won’t hang around for too long.
Crystal Caves (1991) – Another three episode sidescroller with an emphasis on collecting crystals. The story is pretty non-existent, as you’re just a miner looking for space loot; but there’s a few sci-fi jokes in here that’ll make you laugh. You can jump to avoid enemies, or take them out by hitting them with missiles.
I did not care for this one. The puzzles are not difficult in any way, the enemies are boring, and there’s no variety. There’s also some weird choices here, like letting defeated enemies hurt you when you walk over them. Even though it’s better than Pharaoh’s Tomb or Arctic Adventure, this game is still not nearly as fun as it could’ve been.
Dark Ages (1991) – In this sidescrolling action platformer, you play as the prince to The Great Kingdom, that’s been overthrown by Garth, an evil sorcerer. Instead of killing you, he sends you to go live with peasants, but he failed to realize that a great wizard lived among them. He taught you in the ways of a magic and might, and now you’re old enough, it’s time for you to take back the throne, and bring peace back to the land.
Starting this game up, you’d be sure you were stuck on a setting that’s way too fast to handle. The game seems to overcompensate for subpar 90’s computers by cranking up the speed, causing the game to seem unplayable at first. However, after learning to play at its increased speed, I found the game to be pretty fun. As you progress, the game returns you to checkpoints, giving you another crack at what just killed you. It’s difficult, no doubt about it, but I got sudden rushes of Shovel Knight levels of enjoyment out of it, and timing out a series of jumps and well-timed slashes actually became addicting and dare I say- fun.
Death Rally (1996) – Like most racing games with Death in the title, this game features deadly cars designed to kill. You create a character and play as a newcomer in their underground racing organization that puts weaponized vehicles on a track, and allows spectators to stand way too close to the action.
This game could provide you with some measure of fun, playing almost like an amped up Micro Machines. It’s a top down perspective, so driving is done with the left and right button, you controlling the weapons and pedals with your left hand. It’s certainly not the most technically impressive of the lot, but it should provide you with a few chuckles and nail-biting races. Don’t expect much more than that though.
Duke Nukem (1991) – Okay, here it is- what most of you who would be interested in buying this package came here for- the man himself- Duke Nukum (sic). Set in the near future, 1997, Dr. Proton is planning on taking over the world with an army of ‘Techbots’. Duke will travel through Los Angeles, to the moon and even into the future to stop him by any means necessary.
Most have only ever played Duke Nukem 3D, not knowing there was a side scrolling 2D shooter that the game was based on. Playing the game for the third time, it still holds up well, but not nearly as well as its sequel. The game is pretty standard, encouraging players to collect points throughout the mission, and finding the exit to each one. While it’s simple, it does hit a fast and satisfying pace. There are small sequences in the middle of levels to keep you moving towards the end goal of killing Dr. Proton, which was a lot more than some of the other games on this list.
Duke Nukem 2 (1993) – Set once again in the ‘Near Future’ of 1998, one year after defeating Dr. Proton, the earth is invaded by the evil Rigelatins, but not before kidnapping Duke. They want his brain to try and plot an attack against the unsuspecting humans. Duke gets out of course, and starts blasting his way towards their mothership.
This game takes everything great about the first game, and amplifies it. Environmental damage can come from the background now, adding another level of difficulty to the game. The art design, mechanics and everything got a drastic improvement. You could tell 3D Realms put a lot of chips on this product being their flagship series. It’s familiar to the first, while in every way being a better game, and the difficulty is much less forgiving.
Duke Nukem 3D (1996) – EXCITED!? So was I. Until the game wouldn’t work. Turns out the Mac version doesn’t work very well…
They say they’re working on it.
Hocus Pocus (1994) – Halfway through the list, and I can already say I’m tired of typing “2D Action Platformer”, but we have yet another one. This game is about a young wizard by the name of Hocus Pocus, who must prove he’s a good enough to join the council of great wizards by securing orbs that take power away from his adversaries.
Besides the sometimes amazing art of the pixelated backgrounds, it’s another standard maze with enemies. I wish I could say more, but to be honest, there’s just not enough here to really talk about. You run around, enemies appear, you shoot them with electricity, they die and you grab the orbs. If you played it growing up, I can assume it was pretty decent at the time. Now, it’s just another freeware title that’s deserving of the title. There’s some pretty funny dialogue though, so it’s better than some of the other ones in this review.
Major Stryker (1993) – a 2D vertical scrolling shooter that consists of three different planets; lava, arctic and desert. Taking place after World War 3, you fly as Major Stryker for an intergalactic task force, taking on alien enemies over a variety of backdrops. The game offers multiple power-ups, which changes your ship’s attack patterns and rescuing hostages.
Honestly, there’s no reason to play this game. It was released 4 years after Gradius III, and doesn’t even attempt to match the greatness of that game. It’s boring, the music is repetitive, and even the sound effects are grating. There’s a cool introduction to each stage, where a woman flirts with you as you go into the mission, but other than that, it just feels like a cash-in, or a way to expand their catalogue. I doubt even the most hardcore scrolling shooter fans would find much to enjoy in this lacklustre game.
Math Rescue (1992) – When you think 3D Realms, I’m sure most wouldn’t think of an Educational Platformer, but that’s one of the game included in this set. In Math Rescue, the Gruzzles somehow figure out how to steal the concept of numbers. Your job is to touch boxes with numbers on them, and then answer a math question, thus releasing the- math.
Seriously guys, are you buying this set for this game? If so, let it be known that if you’re looking to increase your knowledge of not only addition but also subtraction, this game isn’t that fun. The word problems are so bizarre, stating that the Gruzzies stole numbers off a scale. How in the heck does that work? Even if you can understand this Common Core question, when you get a right answer, you’ll usually forget what direction you were going, thus leading you to hit into the enemies you’re defenceless against.
Monster Bash! (1993) – Monster Bash is a- 2D action platformer- where you play as Johnny Dash, whose pet dog Tex was taken by Count Chuck as his minion of Zombies (another word I feel like I’m repeating a lot). It turns out he’s collecting a lot of pets because Chuck plans on turning them into horrible monsters. To help, a friendly monster bestows upon him and the unimaginable power of having a bottomless pocket of rocks!
Seriously, I can’t say much more about this game. This one is about on par with the others. You search the area for pets to free, shooting stones at monsters, until you’re able to leave the level. The game ranges from taking place in graveyards, haunted houses and all the other places you’d expect out of a game called Monster Bash! But even then, there are problems with the game. You can get stuck in places, unable to proceed. The music lags out, even though the game barely registered on my CPU. It’s not bad, it’s just boring.
Monuments of Mars (1991) – 2D action platformer. You play an unnamed astronaut who has to travel to Mars to find his fellow astronauts who have gone missing while searching several monuments on its surface. You’re able to jump and shoot a limited supply of lasers as you search through the levels. Dying sends you back to the beginning, with the amount of lasers you had at the start, a fact that could leave you in a bad situation if you’re not careful.
There’s no music, the sound effects are all a similar variation of a quick bleep and the graphics are not easy on the eye. Unless you’re a big fan of games like Pharoah’s Tomb, I doubt you’ll play this more than a few minutes before getting bored with it. Better than the aforementioned game, but definitely one I won’t return to anytime soon.
Mystic Towers (1994) – Finally a little variety to this pack. Mystic Towers is an Isometric action adventure game based around exploration and survival. The game stars Baron Baldric, a badass grandpa who is asked by his people to destroy all the evil monsters inside of Lazarine Towers, thus freeing the land. You take your magic wand and enter the towers, looking to destroy the monster generators in each.
This was by far the most interesting game I played up to this point. The perspective is interesting, and provides some difficulty to the gameplay when trying to attack enemies. You wander around the castle, finding more spells, power-ups and upgrades to your powers. There are several water fountains and food products you’ll have to eat in order to stay alive in this game. The character has several crude animations that gives this game a funny personality, and should please anyone who’s into dungeon crawlers.
Paganitzu (1991) – Like Chip’s Challenge, Paganitzu is a 2D puzzle game, based around pushing around tiles and finding solutions to advance to the next dungeon. You play as Alabama Smith (Not sure if there’s a relation to Nevada Smith), an adventurer who’s the grand master of exploring. You must journey through Aztec pyramids, with three different sections.
Obviously, this one of the most simplistic game of the anthology, but there’s still a lot of fun to be had. The puzzles are pretty tough, and get progressively harder as the game pushes on. If you’re someone who cares about these kinds of mind-benders, this isn’t a bad game to have lying around to pop in. There’s even some funny discoveries you can make that reference pop culture from the 90’s. Worst part though, is on some levels there’s hidden teleports that you have to utilize, which can sometimes be annoying when you’ve been building the wrong strategy, only to discover a backdoor already on the map.
Raptor: Call of the Shadow (1994) – This 2D vertical-scroller provides little in terms of depth, with the only bit of plot I could gather being that you’re a mercenary who fights interplanetary missions to destroy a rival company. The gameplay is slower than typical bullet hell games, but features a nice Wing Commander-esque interface that allows you to upgrade your plane between missions.
However, on both the PC and Mac version I played, I was unable to fire my weapons, thus making my playthrough an exercise in pacifism. I tried the mouse, tried the keyboard- but the game doesn’t even offer a mapping feature. Even if I could play it, the game seemed easy enough, given that I was able to fly straight through the enemies without dodging to the boss on the first mission. Again, there’s much better scrolling shooters out there.
Rise of the Triad: Dark Water (1995) – Originally developed as a sequel to Wolfenstein 3D, this early first person shooter is one of the hidden gems in this bunch. The story is slapped together, given it was originally supposed to be something else. Special agents from HUNT (High-risk United Nations Task-force) are deployed to a monastery housing a cult on San Nicolas Island. Being cut off from escape, the peaceful task-force now has to go in and blow everything up with missile launchers.
I did grow up playing this game on my old Aptiva computer, so getting to hop into it again was a great surprise (didn’t recognize the name). This game is severely underrated, usually being labelled as a Doom clone, but it offers quite a few differences that set it apart from ID’s masterpiece. The game has its own unique art style, it offers a significant challenge to even the most veteran player, and its use of over-the-top gore was pretty shocking at the time. If you’re a fan of Doom, but want something new, you should definitely check this one out.
Secret Agent (1992) – This game uses the same engine as Crystal Caves, and even the same sprite; only they call him Agent 006½. You’re dropped onto an island with 16 different bases that you have to go in and then clear of its communications and destroy its exit. Using only a pistol and your ability to jump are you able to- stop something.
Again, this is just another side-scroller. If you’re big into any of them, you’ll love this one too. For me, I couldn’t imagine spending more than the 20 minutes I did on it. The challenges are tedious, and clunky; the enemies provide no challenge; and if one were want to invest the 2 hours it would take in beating it, it would probably yield a lacklustre ending. I’m glad 3D Realms got their catalogue out there, but there’s a reason this was Freeware to begin with.
Shadow Warrior (1997) – East meets West in this follow up to Duke Nukem, where you play as the bodyguard Lo Wang, who decides to turn his back on his client Master Zilla. Having aligned himself with creatures from the ‘dark side’, Wang leaves his employer, only to find it’s not possible for him to leave loose ends like that. It’s only after the death of your mentor Master Leep that you decide you must end Master Zilla once and for all.
This game is awesome. It plays slightly better than Duke Nukem 3D, and I think has a cooler tone to it. Using samurai swords and Shurikens against undead enemies never gets tiring. The level designs are amazing, especially for the time, and it still holds up today. Some of the puzzles may be a little too difficult, and left me scratching my head for longer than I wanted to, but overall this is a fun game that does add some great value to this collection.
Stargunner (1996) – Another game like Raptor, only this one doesn’t suck. Stargunner was the first shoot-em-up to ever use pre-rendered 3D graphics, and as awful as that sounds, it doesn’t look half bad, taking a cell-shaded simplistic look that still looks decent enough today. The game allows you to play on multiple controller types, including the keyboard and mouse (which feels really different than using a direction pad).
Overall, I had way more fun with this game than I did with Raptor. Sure, I couldn’t actually CONTROL Raptor, but as I said before, that game just didn’t offer anything interesting. In this game, you’re able to upgrade your ship that changes not just its performance, but the cosmetics of it. You can add engines, new weapons, equipment to hover around the ship and upgrades to your nuclear capabilities. There’s something very cool about decking out your ship, and going into the game with different strategies based around those choices. If you’re into horizontal shooters, this game will provide a good amount of fun.
Terminal Velocity (1995) – This game is a 3D action flight simulator that’s very action oriented. Set in the year 2704, earth is attacked by members of the Alliance of Space-Faring Alien Races. Having turned against us, we have no choice but to travel to their home planets and try and figure out what caused them to turn violent. The game takes place over three episodes.
I really did enjoy this game, even though it looks awful by today’s standards. They went for a realistic look, and it has not aged well. The gameplay however is pretty good, and despite you flying your ship with only a keyboard, the controls allows you to easily level off your ship. You’ll have to fly into tunnels in order to take out bosses, and soaring through these underground pipes really makes you feel like Lando has he takes out the Death Star. The screen however plays at a reduced size, so prepare to lean in.
Wacky Wheels (1994) – Bet you can’t guess what game this entry was emulating. Being released only two years after Super Mario Kart, Wacky Wheels is a ‘lawn mower racer’, featuring eight animals from the zoo. The game has you picking up bombs, hedgehogs and other power-ups as you race around the track, trying to take out your competitors. The game features several cups, with various different tracks.
What can I say- it’s easy to see a knockoff. Does this game try to do anything different from Super Mario Kart? No. It’s pretty much the poor man’s version, and it’s not half bad. Making quick turns and shooting out bombs- it feels very much like Super Mario Kart. If they were attempting to match the quality, I think they’re pretty close to the Nintendo classic. It just would’ve been nice to see something that made it stand out.
Word Rescue (1992) – Seriously- it’s just Math Rescue with words. You collect words, and match them up with their picture. The game works fine- you jump around while your bookworm friend pours gak on creatures, while you slowly play the worst game of match-up. There are better educational games out there- moving on.
Xenophage (1995) – Two humans are taken from Earth, and are forced to fight against other aliens to prove their planet’s worth. The game is a fighter, similar to Mortal Kombat, where the eight fighters battle in earth-based or H.R. Geiger-esque locations. The game features a ‘fatality’ system, only it’s called and declared “Meat!” upon completing.
This game is just awkward. The characters either move in unidentifiable ways, or look so stiff you’d think they were made of wood. The camera floats around violently, as matches quickly descend into jumping matches. Character attacks either seem useless or impossibly unfair, leaving this unbalanced mess to only be enjoyable for its ridiculous premise, and laughable character designs. Honestly, I had a blast with it. Ten minutes in, I was calling a few friends to come over, and check out this deservedly forgotten game.
And that’s about it. It’s a shame I didn’t get to play Duke Nukem, but to be honest I’ve played it so many times before, and I’m sure you have too. It’s worth picking up by itself, if you’re a fan, but given that everything else in here is questionable, or worst free, I really don’t see a reason to pay full price for this. Most of these games will just clutter your library, and I doubt even the most hardcore gamer would return to play many of them. If you’re someone who’s looking to play around with old games however, you could probably squeeze 40 hours out of this package, but considering it has 32 games in it, that’s really not saying too much.
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