On this episode of Motivating Other Moms, Rosemary is joined by Relationship Coach, Susie Miller. Susie Miller is a cancer survivor, an empty-nester, and someone who is referred to as a Possibilitarian. Susie provides a fresh and relieving look at problems we face daily, and has been a huge help to so many moms, including Rosemary. Susie and Rosemary discuss a slew of topics covering different relationship and family conflicts and their solutions, while discussing the importance of community among moms.
Tweetables
“You can’t chase two rabbits at the same time.”
“It’s easy to get swept up in the urgent and all that needs to be done vs all that is important.”
“The deeper yes is saying yes to the important, to the priorities.”
About Our Guest
Susie Miller, known internationally as The Better Relationship Coach,™ is an Author, Speaker, and Coach. Susie is dedicated to helping you create better personal and professional relationships in 30 days or less! Susie equips high potential entrepreneurs and executives to reduce stress, improve communication, and most importantly, not bankrupt their relationships in pursuit of profits – so they truly can Maximize their Success!
Susie also consults with businesses as a facilitator, coach, and trainer in the areas of company culture, effective communication, and employee engagement to increase productivity and profits.
Susie has been featured in major news outlets including Forbes, Fox New, Entrepreneur, and is the bestselling author of Listen, Learn, Love: How to Dramatically Improve Your Relationships in 30 Days or Less! Susie has been married to John for 32 years, and they have 3 adult children.
Transcript
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Rosemary: Today’s guest is a special friend of mine Susie Miller. She’s the better relationship coach. As a therapist turned coach Susie is passionate about helping people have better relationship with each other, themselves and god. For over 20 years she has helped people reduce stress, improved communication, increased intimacy and create meaningful relationships. Susie coaches and equips people to create a strong marriage and family relationships while simultaneously building a successful business as an entrepreneur or an executive. Susie is the author of the book Listen, love, learn which offers practical advice and actionable steps to actually create better relationships fast. She enjoys helping people to grow in their faith, increase their self-confidence and live satisfying lives. Susie has appeared on MPR, Success in the city, Family blog talk radio and more. She is an engaging speaker and MC featured at national events and conferences. Susie is a cancer survivor. Her story includes numerous life challenges which have shaped her work but she’s known for her outlook on life as a possibilitarian. She and her husband John have been married 32 years, have three adult children and live in the DC area.
Susie: Mompreneurs, if you’re pulling double duty with kids and a business, you know how hard it is and it can be easy to feel so alone. But I’ve got great news. You’re not alone and you can do this. Welcome to motivating other moms. The show that pulls back the curtain to show vulnerable moments, lessons learned and solid business tips for mompreneurs. Now, here’s your host, successful mompreneur, Rosemary Nickel.
Rosemary: Hi, this is Rosemary Nickel with motivating other moms and I’m here with a really great episode. My guest today is Susie Miller. She’s an author, a speaker, a coach and she is the relationship coach which we all need. Oh, my gosh. Susie has saved my life because I was in a miserable — recently in a miserable spiral downward into a really deep hole that I had dug for myself and I can’t explain why I was digging that hole. I don’t know why and it seems like a lot of entrepreneurial moms have been feeling like this and wanted to just give up and I was pretty angry and resentful towards my husband and just about everything in life. Quite honesty I wanted to just go on live in a hut on a beach by myself and not have any responsibilities whatsoever and I know that a lot of you have felt that way or are currently feeling that way. When I really looked deep inside of myself I knew that nothing had changed. My husband was still wonderful and he was trying his best to make me happy and it was just not good enough for me. It was me that changed and I still don’t know what changed but one day a friend of mine Jessica Rhodes texted me and said are you getting on the mastermind call with Susie and I’m like oh. And it was one of those days. It was like one of the worst days that had built up and I was crying and I got on the call. I didn’t want to. And Susie and Jessica came and saved the day. They really got me to — Susie kind of held my feet to fire. Okay Rosemary, what are you going to do? What action are you going to take? Okay. And I was feeling very tired and lethargic. I hadn’t felt like that — I had no positive thoughts in my head whatsoever for months and it was getting worse and so I agreed that I needed to go start working out again because I had let that go. I had let — and I had started gaining weight and not taking care of myself and I realized I hadn’t been taking time for myself like I usually do and I know how important that is especially as an entrepreneurial mom because you need that down time to build your business and to be there for your family in a very positive way as opposed to I was eating everybody up alive that came into my path. Everybody. So, Susie had helped me with a lot of insight on what was going on with me and what’s happened in her relationship and how she helps her clients dig out of these holes that they get into or help them prevent from getting into these holes. I mean, my husband and I even mentioned the D word briefly and I was really conflicted because I’m like there’s nothing wrong with the marriage but yet I feel like it would just be easier to leave and that was painful because I love this man dearly. We are definitely soul mates and it’s like it was painful for me to be feeling these feelings.
Susie: Sure.
R: And I couldn’t understand them but you brought a lot of great clarity and I would love for you to share some of the insights that you’ve had on your journey along the way because you’ve been an entrepreneur for a very long time and you raised your kids and you’re now an empty nester and you have a lot of insight of what you’ve been through and you’ve been very sick in the part of this journey too as well and had to heal yourself.
S: Well, Rosemary thanks. Thanks so much for having me on the call and on the — getting a chance to talk to your moms. I have such a great respect for moms in general and then mompreneurs, man, their plates are so full. A little bit of what you said that I really like to reassure your audience with is the fact that everybody I’ve ever worked with, every mom I’ve ever worked with as a coach or therapist always says — gets to a place where they don’t want to be a mom anymore. And I want to just say that’s so normal. You’re going to wake up one day like I don’t want to be a mom and I don’t want to be married and I don’t — I’m in the soup, I’m in the weeds and this is just so hard and this isn’t what I imagined my life would be like when I dreamt of it as a little kid or as a girl and so I think just being really gracious with ourselves. I’m a really big proponent of what I call self-compassion and really being aware of what we say to ourselves so for example if you woke up and you were like I don’t really want to be a mom today; the first thing we do is think what’s wrong with me? Why would I ever say that? As opposed to going you know what? Every other mom probably feels this way too. What can I do today to be kind to myself, to get that level of head trash out of our head? I tend to play Whack-A-Mole with myself in my head and I always tell my clients and myself put down the bat, do the next thing. Almost always emotion follows after we take action. And so I think just being willing to go you know what? This is a normal feeling. I’m going to make breakfast as opposed to beating ourselves up or I’m going to go do the next thing on my business list as opposed to thinking what’s wrong with me that I’m having these feelings. Well, I have a book coming out in May and I talk about — one of the little subchapters is feelings are and it literally says feelings are, period, end of sentence. And I think sometimes we don’t do a good job of allowing ourselves to feel our feelings and then decide what to do about them and it’s like you said. You were having all these feelings and almost the fact that you were having them was as unsettling as what they were and so I think stepping back and going okay. What am I really feeling? I’m a big fan of brain dumps and just kind of getting it out and then going okay, now what will I do about it? And for you, you got on the call with people who care about you and hold you accountable and you said I really don’t want to leave even though right now I want to leave. And we were able to come up with some plans to give you a break, a mental, emotional, physical break and I think that’s what’s so important about what you do as you motivate other moms is that we don’t do this alone.
R: No, we don’t. and that’s one of the reasons why I created this program is so that moms don’t feel alone in building their business and they’re feeling lost — you’re having feelings like this and they’re looking out on social media and everybody looks perfect. I recently did a — I know. It’s just really sad. I did a meet up at social media marketing world in San Diego and I brought together 20 entrepreneurial moms who were there at the conference. We had a private room at season 52. We just had some simple appetizers but they each shared their story and shared what they were on fire about but then they also shared what they were struggling with and it was so interesting because you’re just seeing those heads nod and they’re like wow. I had no idea. And being behind a computer working all the time you feel alone and you don’t see the reality of what’s really going on behind a business.
S: Right, right. and I think being a woman entrepreneur or a mom entrepreneur you — it is very lonely because it’s a — solopreneurs, you might have a little bit of staff but you’re alone a lot and all of your interactions tend to be either online or like this on Skype and you don’t have that girlfriend time, that sense of being together and doing stuff together. Even like in a job at least you have the water cooler or lunch or — as a mom, just being a stay at mom I had the park and I did stuff with my kids there. Being a mompreneur you’re always divided. You’re working and you feel like you should be with your kids. And you’re with your kids and you feel like you should be working. And so I think one of the things that is essential is that we have other moms that know where we are to say like you said nodding heads saying me too. And what I find Rosemary is a lot of times as mompreneurs we’re involved in a lot of groups that teach us how to do business but we’re not involved with a lot of people who are talking about the reality of what it’s like to be in business as a woman and be in business as a mom. I know we — you and I chatted about an upcoming coaching program I’m launching this spring about the friends you need, the answers you want because people appear so perfect on Facebook. I’m in some groups and I’m not going to post I’m having a bad day or I yelled at my kids or I’m having a — I don’t feel confident in myself. I mean, nobody wants to put that on Facebook but that’s the reality. We live in this state of doubt and questions and we need girlfriends who can say yeah, me too and let’s support each other. And so I feel like that’s a big place that there’s a gap and I love that you’re doing this and being so honest about your own story because every once a while when I post a picture of me on Facebook I’m just not being perfect or like we get all cleaned up and spiffy and you look there and you’re like oh, they don’t struggle at all. Look, of course we struggle. But what do you think it is that keeps people from posting the truth out there? Why do you think people are so hesitant to say this is really who I am when that’s what we really connect to?
R: Well, I think it all comes down to judgement. We want to be accepted but we don’t want to be judged and social media can be pretty wrong and people feel free to say some of the meanest, nastiest things they would never say to your face.
S: They do, they do. I agree. When I started building my business I joked with a friend about the fact that I had ordered my rhino skin from Amazon. It was arriving any day. And I think it’s really important as moms and this would apply I think not just about social media but as moms in general. I think if we’re doing a good job as mom our kids are going to not like us. Our kids are going to say to us you ruined my life. I think all three of my kids said I hate you at some point in time and while it was awful to hear, being a mom I’m not your buddy. One of the things we talked a lot about as they were growing up is my job is not to be your friend. My job is to parent you and so I think when you start adding up all the places we’re not hearing positive feedback it’s really important to have a group of women that we can go to and say you know what? my kid yelled at me today or I lost my temper or I said no to my teenager that she couldn’t go to that party and she rolled her eyes with me again and it was really hard to stand my ground and so just somebody remind me that standing my ground was the right thing to do. When you don’t feel like this — the relationship has all this tension now because you stood your ground as a mom and said no. you’re not going to that party and I have good reasons. Well, our kids never thank us for the moming we do. Maybe when they’re — I mean, I think I called my mom when I was in my mid 30s and I realized how much she did as a mom and went oh, my gosh. I have kids that — now I realize how hard it is to be a mom. Thank you. And you just don’t have that when you’re a solopreneur and you’re by yourself.
R: No, you really, really don’t. and parenting and relationships and marriages, it’s just really hard to juggle all of that and build your business and a lot of times we might make the mistake of looking at other people who are going like gang busters and you really have to stop and look and analyze their life and there’s very few that go like gang busters unless they’re single and unless they don’t have children because they have — they spend — their business is their life where as entrepreneurial moms our business and our family, that’s our life.
S: Right, right. And I think how moms — yeah, I mean, then if there’s a — if you’re married there’s a marriage that you’re working on at the same time. You’re working on a relationship with each of your children. You’re in business and one of the things I learned through the years of being an entrepreneur and then married to an entrepreneur for 30 some years is that you can’t do it all at the same time and I think it’s really hard in the world that we live in now where there’s this thought that being a mom you step back from “the real world” or you’re not as ambitious or you’re sacrificing your career to do what I think is the hardest job anyone could ever have. Being a mom is a difficult, thankless, rewarding, awesome job and it’s all those things and I think we have to remember that there’s seasons of life and I have yet to find somebody who’s a 110 percent in the business and a 110 percent in their marriage and a 110 percent in their family because we don’t have 330 percent. We have to look at what we have and so what I coach my clients to do is when you’re with your kids be a 110 percent with your kids. And when you’re with your business be a 110 percent with your business. And when you’re with your honey be a 110 percent with your honey. And when you’re doing spa time or rejuvenating time be a 110 percent taking care of yourself. Versus thinking we have to do all of those at the same time and so then you’re faithful and present to the moment and to what’s happening and you can let go of — like if you’re with your kids and the phone dings or you’re aware that something could be happening in your business you have to turn that off. And is it hard? Absolutely. But is it worth it? Sure. I think every kid I talk to these days will at some point in time say well, mom was distracted or she was busy or she picked up her smart phone. Actually Time Magazine just wrote an article about smart phones and being on the phone while we’re being with our kids makes us crankier if we’re trying to multitask as a parent and so I think part of what we have to do as moms is to be realistic and have that idea of you know what? This is my season of where I’ve got kids at home. And now that my kids are grown I say the thing that I hated here when I had kids at home —
R: Oh, no. you’re going to say that thing I hate hearing.
S: Yeah. It goes so fast, right. But it does. It goes so fast. My kids are in their mid to late 20s now and you don’t get those years back and I’ve never met anybody who regretted being — spending time with their kids and it’s really hard as a mompreneur to say okay. I’m spending this time with my kids knowing that you’re giving up something in your business and I think you have to be really careful who your — I don’t think comparison is a good idea anyway because we tend to compare somebody else’s strengths with our weaknesses. We never compare our strength to somebody’s weakness and go wow. I’m doing really well. We look at what they’re doing well and what we’re not doing well and we say oh, I suck. And I think you have to be really careful that you don’t let the measuring stick be something outside of what you and your spouse or you and your family really wants as the main priorities of your life and you cannot have — you can’t chase two rabbits, you can’t do it at the same time and I think you can be a good and a successful entrepreneur and a mom at the same time but there’s always going to be that choice of in seasons and so I really want to commend you. I mean, I know you Rosemary. You post about the things you do with your kids. You’re very upfront about I am working my business and I’m a full time mom and so certain things in my business are going to have to wait. I think that takes great maturity and insight because it feels so tense and we feel torn. You’ve made a really positive statement by going no. I’m going to just name it for what it is. I can’t do it all at once but I can do this now and maybe later I can do that and I think that really frees up other moms to go oh, right. I don’t have to do it all at once.
R: Thank you very much for that. I appreciate you for acknowledging that. It is quite honestly sometimes very difficult. I know a lot of people are watching me and I know a lot of very successful people and they’re entrepreneurial moms that might judge me for that and maybe say that that’s really bad advice because maybe it might not make somebody as successful as they could possibly be. But in my eyes if you want a happy family and a good relationship with your kids and that’s your priority then decide for that to be okay with you. And don’t chase the shiny star.
S: Right. Well, and I think you had a really good point Rosemary. You said not as successful in their business. I think we have to have the confidence to define what success is to us.
R: Absolutely.
S: So you might have – I’ve worked with couples and families where they have more money than they know what to do with and their relationships are awful. Their kids aren’t involved with them, they can’t wait to get out of the house, their marriage is more roommates than romance and true, they have – what the world might say is a lot of success but they’re disappointed. Zig Ziegler said you can’t count yourself as a success if your home life’s a mess. And so I think it’s okay to say you know what? Success for me is business growth at this percentage versus twice that because I’m spending time with my children and success for me is kids who know I’m engaged and involved with them and so one of the things I think is really important for moms is to say what is success to me. What does success mean and then keep that in front of you so you can – I’m a big fan of sticky notes and living from our conclusions so I have a little sticky note on my computer that talks about – this is a successful day. This is what success means to me. So that when I see that – woman on Facebook who’s doing so much more – or where I might want to be I can call to mind. Wait a minute. Success for me means this. I don’t know what success means for her. And then it takes the judgement away and allows us to really focus on what’s important to us.
R: Exactly and I want to go back a moment too where you were talking about being present with your kids. I was just recently at the social media marketing world and I was talking to a big wig and I won’t say their name but – because hopefully she’s going to be on my show. I’m like, oh my god. I’ve got to have you on my show. This is fantastic information. But she said now that she’s an empty nester she wish — she was an entrepreneur for 24 years. She became an entrepreneur when first child was born.
S: Yeah.
R: And looking back – because I said well, it must be great to be empty nester because the ones who are in it right now deep with the young kids that’s like – that’s the ultimate goal. I’ll be an empty nester. I’ll have all this free time to build my business. It’s going to be fantastic. I have my purpose in place so when the kids leave it won’t be such a hard adjustment but she faced all of that stuff still and she looked back and she said I wish I would’ve been more present with my kids. I would be on the floor with my kids and I’d – be listening on my – and talking to clients on my cell phone.
S: Yeah.
R: And that was her biggest regret.
S: And that I would say if you lined up all the empty nester moms they would say that they would look back and say if I have any regrets at all it’s the times I didn’t choose relationships. And that’s really hard to say in the moment because it feels – it’s such a conflict for us because it’s like that – you can’t live backwards. You have to be able to look and say you know what? what’s important to me right now and that’s why I think success – you have to say success is if I spend this much on my business, two hours, a 110 percent on business and then three hours in the afternoon with my kids when they come home from school because they will be done and that’s the hardest thing and I know most of the women I talk to who are in this stage of life – sure we have lots of extra time and we wish that somebody had said to us that we listen to hey, your time will come, your time will come. Now, I’m not saying that doesn’t mean you should work on a business and you shouldn’t take care of yourself and have you time but be really realistic about the fact that there’s only 24 hours in a day and you’ve divided your 24 hours between a lot more things on your plate than people who might only have three.
R: Right. One of the things that I know I’m – I’ve asked this on my fan page before on Facebook was when’s the last time you’ve taken a vacation with your spouse. I was so shocked. Oh my god. Never. The average answer was never.
S: It really makes me sad when I hear about couples who’ve never taken a vacation together and have time together. I think that’s the biggest disservice you can do, one of the biggest disservices you can do to your marriage because ultimately your kids leave, number one, and you want to have a relationship with this man that you love or that is your spouse and it’s very difficult to have that if you haven’t put time in it through the years. And so one of the things that we were really committed to is taking time to be together and be away and I used to trade off. We had friends that we’d watch their kids when they were toddlers and I had what I call the three day rule. You have to go away for three days. If you went away just for a weekend you were coming home the day it got good. The first day you sleep because you’re exhausted. The second day you bicker because you haven’t had time together in a long time. The third day you’re finally like oh. And that’s not the day you drive home. That’s the day you enjoy. I’m a big proponent of couples taking time to be together and it’s interesting. It’s always hard for women because your kids are kind of one part of you all the time no matter what you’re doing and then you have a business which is like another baby and so you’re very divided. It never feels like the right time but I promise you all you women – to take time to be with your spouse. It will be so worth it in the end. When was the last time you took a vacation with Nile?
R: Oh, I would count – we just went to San Diego for a conference.
S: That’s not a vacation. That’s a work trip.
R: That was the first time we were alone in a long time.
S: Wow.
R: But we did take the – we were there a day early by mistake and I was so happy because he likes to go in for business and leave. I like to add an extra day at the beginning and an extra day at the end so we can get that down time. So we did actually get a full day by our self but I despise short dates that are – if we go over night, one night, I despise those because it is like readjusting. It’s like we’re getting to know each other all over again and getting comfortable with being alone with each other and then it – you’re right. Just as it’s starting to feel good it’s time to go home. I hate that.
S: Yeah, and I do think it’s easy to get swept up in the urgent and all that needs to be done versus really being aware of what’s important and it is hard to take time. It is hard to shut down. one of the things – even as an empty nester, I could stay at my office and work well into the evening and my husband and I could go just do our own thin but we’ve made a commitment to at least shut down at a certain time so we have time to connect each day and that’s a commitment. I can be in the middle of something and really want to stay out – we’re not legalistic about it but there’s this idea of you are more important to me than all these other things and as women we want our husbands to do that. We want them to be present to us and so I think it really is being willing to say what is enough. What’s enough in my business today so I can move forward towards success in my business and still be able to do the other things that are really important to me which is being a mom and a spouse as well?
R: I’d like to challenge my listeners to really sit down, take a moment, meditate and think about what their ideal life looks like. What’s that perfect life? If you had all the money in the world and you could live your life on your own terms and have that freedom that everybody talks about that we’re supposed to have with entrepreneurship – be an entrepreneur, get freedom. Right. I’m noticing that more and more and now I’m hating the word freedom because reality is we’re not as free as it appears to be unless your business can run on auto pilot when you’re gone for a week or two then to me that’s not freedom.
S: Well, one of the things I talk a lot about Rosemary is what I call harmony. I think we seek balance. People talk a lot about balance. Do you have work life balance, do you have work life balance. And if you think about a seesaw balance is static. There’s no movement. If you’re perfectly balanced it’s a very still – equal. And so to me that’s a myth and it’s not something I want anyway. I move around too much. But if you think about harmony and if you imagine like an orchestra there’s times in any musical score where certain instruments are playing more or louder. I mean, they’re all important part of the orchestra and having a beautiful musical piece but there’s times when it’s about drums and there’s times when it’s about trumpets and there’s times when the clarinets and flutes are the center stage and then there’s times when all of the – the winds are quiet and it’s all about the strings. And when you sit back and listen it’s a beautiful harmonious melody. And I think if we look at our lives that way it is more – I’m going to use the word you hate. It’s more freeing because we’re not always trying to figure out how to give things equal. When we’re – there’s seasons in a startup where the harmony is really heavy on one part of – on the business maybe or when you have a new baby that becomes the loudest part of your orchestra and you’re entrepreneurial goals may be a little bit quieter at that point in time. And so I think if we as women look for is my life in harmony, am I at the end of the day or the end of the week or the end of the month and of course at the end of the year looking back and going okay. In general, that was a pretty harmonious year in that everything got its turn. Maybe not all at the same time.
R: I love that and it’s so funny that you use musical terms because I just created an opt in that talks about the cadence of life and that you are the conductor of your marching band and you create the cadence in your life and that the drums are the heart and beat of the band. Without the drums nobody stays on beat and so you’re the drummer and you’re beating the drum to your own tune so you have to be able to have your stuff together and it is at balance. There is no such thing as balance so I’m on board with you on that and I would not want balance because I wouldn’t want it to remain static at all but it’s so funny that you brought in the music and harmony part of that.
S: Yeah. It’s something that really allowed me to feel more at rest and more at peace with when certain things were taking up more time because I think even saying – even as we talked earlier there are seasons where you need to make the time to be with your spouse or seasons where you have to say you know what kids? We’re going to – we’re not going to do this extracurricular activity because we’re working on business stuff and it doesn’t mean that you can’t be a mom and an entrepreneur and a spouse and all successful. You just have to be really aware of what that means to you. What does success mean to you in each of those arenas?
R: Right. And going back to asking – getting my listeners to – if you guys could make a list of what that life looks like and how many dates would you like to go on with your husband. How much time would you love ideally to be alone with your husband without anybody else on trips or dates or just being by yourselves? Write that down. Is it once a week, is it once a month? And then start trying to make a plan in your calendar to do exactly that and start building that dream because really those relationships, your husband and your children are the key relationships in your life. I don’t think anybody would disagree with me on that. And not as a mom. I could be wrong but —
S: Well, even there Rosemary, some little things like that I can imagine some of the moms listening are going oh, my gosh. Like that’s so unrealistic if I want to be with my husband this many times or whatever. It think we have to then look at little bites of things so maybe it’s taking a walk after dinner together while your kids do the dishes or maybe it’s having – we had a TV show we watched together and I know people have really mixed feelings about television.
R: Yes, they do.
S: Yeah. One of the things we did and I don’t care what you pick. Maybe it’s a movie. But there’s times where at the end of the day you’re spent, you’ve given all you have and you don’t want to have a long conversation or maybe even a deep conversation with your spouse but you want to be with them and so we would – on Thursday nights we’d watch a show together. We’d snuggle on the sofa and so it was us time. We used to have this really big chair in our second _____29:29 like that double one and a half chair or two chairs and that was our chair. We would sit next to each other and even the kids would like pile on the sofa or want to be in our chair. It’s like no. That’s our time. And we didn’t – it didn’t take a lot of emotional energy or mental energy because we weren’t talking about something. We were enjoying a TV show together but we were snuggling and we were enjoying each other in proximity and that – even that little bit helped. So I think even as we look at – deciding what our dream life is going to look like there has to be a sense of wow. That was – we felt connected. So it doesn’t have to be big things. It could be little things that help you achieve that level of connect with your husband and your kids.
R: Exactly. So now I homeschool. Before I homeschooled before the kids would go to school because we are both entrepreneurs our time together was usually in the morning after the kids left so we would plan the play time, we would plan breakfast, we would go out and have breakfast and conversation and that – there was quite often we could do that one or two times a week if we didn’t have that scheduled. I felt really blessed to have that. now that we’re homeschooling that makes it a little bit more difficult but one of the things that we have done to – I mean, just kind of putting ideas out there to help the creative flow to happen with them and get them thinking about different ways that they can spend time with their spouse. During the summer both kids were in the summer camp and my husband didn’t have anything on his schedule so I booked us a whole day together and then I extended our summer camp so they could stay afterwards and we just got into our canoe and we went out on the water and spent the day out on the water looking at nature and just spending time with each other so it didn’t cost us anything other than they were already in summer camp but I think it cost us 10 bucks to keep them later. So it was like oh my god. Thank you. This is so awesome. But it’s just simple ideas like that and if your husband works ask him to take a day off.
S: Yeah. And I think the other thing is to have some friends like we always have – didn’t have family living nearby and so we had some friends we traded off with so if – maybe they’d pick our kids up after school or like on a weekend morning if you have a regular schedule with school or your husband works and we would trade off and so it was like this is your time. We’ve got your kids and then we would trade off. The next time it would be theirs and they’d have our kids and we’d go. And it was just a way to build in some things that were intentional. I think that’s the other things. What are you intentionally doing with your relationships? We try to be very intentional with our business goals. I wrote a post a while ago about do you have relationship goals. Do you think about where you want to go in your relationships and so I love the question you asked. If we don’t have any goals we don’t aim at anything. One of the hard parts about goals is if we set them right we’re usually meeting them or coming just a little behind them so it’s not – I don’t want people to be discouraged when they go oh, we thought we were going to have date night once a week. Well, if that’s the goal that’s great. But if you do two date nights in a month and don’t do four it’s still two more than you would’ve done if you hadn’t set the goal.
R: Thank you. Yes, exactly. And you don’t have to feel like you failed because you didn’t have more. Celebrate the two that you had.
S: Right. And be willing to be intentional and I think it’s hard for women in general to realize it’s okay to say no. I tell a lot of clients no is a complete sentence because that just won’t work out for me is a complete sentence and a lot of times when you’re a mompreneur you have friends who “work outside the home” will be like oh, well, you’re home anyway. Can’t you pick up Bobby or do this or my kid’s sick and I think you know I have an appointment or I have – no, that’s just not going to work out for me. And I think learning to say no to protect our time and our priorities is much easier when we have them written down in front of us because we’re not helpers and we don’t – no is not a fun thing to say but sometimes we have to say no to the good to be able to say yes to the great. so if I know I need to say no to helping somebody out or even meeting a friend for lunch or doing something so that I have more time and energy later either for my spouse or because I have a meeting or an interview like this then I’m saying – what I call a deeper yes which is the really important yes. And that means we say no to a lot of other things.
R: The deeper yes is saying yes to you? Is that what the deeper yes is?
S: I think at some times, yes. It could be – to me the deeper yes is saying yes to the important, to the priorities and so it might be one day you know – and this goas back to when you chatted with Jessica and I you were having a really hard time and our question was what are you going to do for you right now. Not the business, not Nile, not your kids. What are you going to do for you? And I remember you had lots of things on your plate that had to happen and we just really pushed you that those were all potential good yeses but the deeper yes was taking care of Rosemary that day. Sometimes the deeper yes is saying no to a new – I don’t know. A speaking engagement because you plan the time with your husband. To me the deeper yes is saying yes to what would line up with your priorities. Will this get me closer to my goal whether it’s personal health, relationship health, business health or will this get me off track? Is this the best way to move forward is for me the deeper yes.
R: I love that. We recently had a conversation. I don’t think it was that most recent call but we – you and I had had a conversation or maybe it was but I’ve been struggling with my spiritual journey. I realize looking at the situation that I was in that my light side had died out and I was shocked when I realized that. I was so shocked. And I used to be very religious and used to go to church and now I have this – now that I’ve done a lot of personal growth and I’ve opened myself up to new possibilities I see life differently and it’s really hard for me to go to church yet I still want that spiritual support but I can’t stand going to church because I feel so confined there and so limited to the possibilities of what god has to offer and you said that you actually have seen that throughout your coaching practice. A lot of people struggle with that and I’d like to address that because I know that as entrepreneurs we tend to grow spiritually and change so much that that has become a common issue.
S: I think that that’s a great question Rosemary and a great thing that you’re even struggling with it because some people, when they struggle just want out of the struggle and so they either push it under the rug or pretend it doesn’t exist. I think a lot of people, especially right now, are struggling with what church is and I know some of the churches we’ve been involved with are trying to shift that but I think we have to be willing to say if we’re on a faith journey well who are we walking with, who is holding us accountable, who are we going deeper with and our faith journey; church looks a lot of different ways now. I tend to be very a non-traditionalist and I know people who just do home church. They have times with each other and little groups of people. There’s a woman online and she has a whole online church. She has a sofa at the top of her webpage and it’s kind of an online group of people. The deal really is where do you want to grow in your faith and what’s going to help you get there and for some people – we used to think church was a place you go on Sunday morning and you go to church and what’s happening now is more people are going we are the church. And if you look back in some of what even the bible says it’s about us as a body of believer and so I think finding a place where you can plug in spiritually is much more important than whether it’s a traditional church setting.
R: I love that answer. I know a lot of people are struggling with it and it’s just really hard because it’s breaking that paradigm. There’s a paradigm shift what you were brought up to believe and what you’re feeling now which – then your parents and your friends are like what.
S: Yeah. Our story really does influence us and who we are and how we look at life and so I think understanding our story is important and I also think being willing to allow ourselves the freedom to grow outside of those maybe boundaries that we feel like this is what you’re supposed to do. I’m not a big fan of shoulda woulda coulda. I used to say to people don’t should all over yourself. Just what is – again, what’s going to intentionally move you forward to where you want to be and your goals and that sense of trusting your intuition and really knowing that it’s important that we allow ourselves to grow and change and give ourselves permission to let go of old stories and old tapes and old lies that are just holding us back.
R: I love that. So what happens if – when we’re arguing with our spouse so we’re talking about spending time with our spouse and all these great things but what happens when we fight with our spouse and we’re feeling pretty defensive? A lot of times I find that entrepreneurial moms that I work with feel a lot of pressure to make money to prove their worthiness to their spouse. And that causes – money is one of those big things that causes conflict. Right up there next to sex.
S: Yeah, and actually is the highest and there’s been studies that the most controversial and difficult subject in marriage is money and the second one is sex which is really kind of either sad or interesting. So that’s a whole another podcast but let me give you a couple – a few things to think about. One is, and this is a great segue for me to let you know about this book I’ve written called Listen, learn, love how to dramatically improve your relationships in 30 days or less and I kind of wanted to add that – and yeah you really can tagline to that but one of the things that we talk about in there is this kind of idea of listening and having hard conversations. And what it looks like to have a good hard conversation. And so I just did a video yesterday on this one big piece of that that’s going to air next week and it’s – one of the things I will say is you have to pause in the middle of the conversation. My inner defense lawyer, man, she is always ready. I can tell you why and defend myself and that’s really helpful to the conversation and so I try to tell myself to pause and think what’s really going on here. What are they really asking me and then how do I really want to respond versus that knee jerk reaction of well, you did – or well, and that defensiveness which is just distancing. So some of it is just learning good skills of how to have conversations and the other of it is being willing to remember that the relationship is more important than the controversy at the moment and so sometimes you have to be like you know what? Let’s table this because we’re not getting anywhere. I had a client the other day who looked at her husband and said I don’t have any room to hear what you’re saying. I’m just going to argue with you so can we not have this conversation now. I thought that was really bold of her because she cared more about the fact that she didn’t want to make it worse by saying stuff that she would just be in duress but she was able to say let’s come back to it and I suggest a lot of couples do that. Sometimes you need to put it down for a while. I have a little booklet about how to have the difficult conversations. And sometimes you need to just walk away from it and not have it. And other times you need to pause and really go what are you saying is and this is what I’m feeling. Those are some really big techniques for listening and they are in my book which is coming out soon and I can share that with you at the end of our broadcast.
R: I cannot wait to get your book. I’m so excited. I’m excited for you and I’m excited to read it.
S: Thanks. Well, in the meantime, let me tell you these few things. I do have on my website six different gifts that will help any mompreneur. There’s some communication tips for couples and conversation starters for families and for couples. I have a couple booklets that have relationship apps for couples and then one that came from my years as – my teens. Ups and laughs for teens and then I have another book saying what god says about me. And so that is absolutely a free gift to your listeners and that’s – you can get that at susiemiller.com which is S-U-S-I-E-M-I-L-L-E-R.com and on my website there’s also a link to my book which will be – is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and so they can get that and preorder it. I will be having some really good discounts that will – discounts. Bonuses that will launch April 12th. There’s going to be a whole lot of bonuses for people who preorder the book and that site will be listenlearnlovebook.com.
R: I love the name of your book. How did you come up with the name of that?
S: Basically I boiled down a lot of my work to three foundational skills and those are the three foundational skills I work with all of my clients with and we do them at deeper levels over and over again but they yield really quick results to help relationships get better fast.
R: LA LA LA.
S: Yeah.
R: I love this show, I love this topic. We were talking beforehand how I’ve been trying to build this community of entrepreneurial moms and it’s been real difficult quite honestly because one, I don’t hear anything back from anybody. Very rarely do I get feedback because people are very silent on what’s really happening behind the scenes in their lives because they don’t want people to know and they’re worried about being judged so I try to go around – they say start with the elbow and come around to the thumb and so I shoot for marketing in social media which they will have a conversation about but getting them to a real true conversation of what really needs to be said so that they can move forward because all of this stuff holds you back in your business.
S: Absolutely.
R: I affects everything that you do but what I have found is when I can get them in person that shifts everything.
S: I think that’s a really good observation and one of the things that – actually you are part of the brainstorm team for this was – you and Jessica that we’ve been talking about in terms of we don’t need another coaching group for how to run a business. There’s some great stuff out there. I mean, the stuff that you do is fabulous. What we need is a group of women that can – a place of safety where we can be ourselves and one of the things that came up in yours and mine and Jess’s brainstorm time was it has to be a small group. A little, small pod of private friends that can say what’s really going on with each other. I don’t think people want to talk about what’s hard in a big audience, on Facebook, in a big group. I think they’re willing to be a little bit more vulnerable in smaller groups and so as I’m setting up this new program I’m really looking at that in terms of three to six moms might really be willing to go deep with each other. They might listen to training on a big call but they want to have some smaller groups where they can be safe and I think that’s in line with how we work relationally and I think if we can work through a way to do that you’ll find a lot more women are just going to go thank you for just being a place where we can be honest. Not unlike your – group you did at the social media marketing world.
R: Absolutely.
S: Smaller groups are better.
R: The smaller groups are much better. I’ve done a tea party. I remember specifically these were women that I knew that were local and it was my first one that I had done and it was about 10 mompreneurs in the group and one wannabe and it was really interesting and what I have found is that if you can get one person to be brave enough – because it’s really, really hard and they all said they were really stressed out about sharing what’s going on in their lives. If you can get one person willing to open up about what’s going on in their life it gives permission for the rest of the room to do the same. And let me tell you, people’s jaws dropped and it’s been a couple of years and I’ve not heard any of that come up and I’m – one of the things that we do when we’re in the room is we create that sacred space and it’s not – everything in the room stays in the room.
S: We have that. Yeah. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And I love that about the room and when I do speaking I always share from my story because I think when people realize oh, wait. She struggles too. Or oh, yeah. She has a hard time juggling and balancing or she doesn’t want to be a mom some days as well. Right now I don’t like my husband. I love him but – when they can hear somebody in a leadership role say some of the things they’re feeling or even in a small group when somebody’s like you said brave enough to say you know what? I’m having a hard day or I struggle with being depressed today or yeah. I have fat and ugly days too. Who doesn’t? People go oh, you too? Oh, and suddenly we’re able to connect in the places where we can be authentic. Because there’s lots of polish out there. There’s lots of spit and polish. We really need some places that we can connect genuinely. In fact, yesterday I posted a question on I think it was Twitter about this selfie – Photoshop on selfies. And I was like okay. Isn’t selfies about the in the moment? Are we – we’re not going to photo and airbrush. I mean, I get professional pictures being airbrushed and all that kind of stuff but if we’re going to Photoshop selfies – and I kind of was like what do people think of that? Where’s real going to be? If we start doing that what’s real?
R: So let me tell you what I posted yesterday. One of my mentors and coaches and friends was inboxing me and she’s like girl I just want to quit. I’m like you have no idea. She didn’t know the story that I shared at the beginning of this podcast and I kind of have been radio silent on Facebook and social media just kind of putting things out there but really just not sharing much of anything or doing anything. So she had no idea and we had a conversation so she challenged me to post a video and she was going to post a video and she did and of course people started going I get, I get. But within that thread – I have a private Facebook group on Facebook of fellow entrepreneurial moms where there’s great conversations going. If you go to my website and opt in there on my newsletter I will send you a link to join that group and in that thread an entrepreneurial mom posted. She’s like wow. I had no idea. You have no idea how important this was to me today. And it was somebody that I knew and I immediately picked up my phone and I called her and when she answered she was crying. And she was – just let me pause this video because she was watching my friend’s video as well and she’s like today has just been such a hard day and I’ve been struggling and I’m tired and I’m exhausted. My body’s shutting down. and I was supposed to see five clients today and for some reason I thought today was my day off and so now I’ve made a client angry and I’ve had to cancel the other ones because I just didn’t realize I had – she was so overwhelmed that everything was out of whack and she’s got teenagers that she’s having a hard time dealing with teenagers kind of pulling themselves away from her and – as teenagers do and going through that whole process of what that’s like as they’re growing and becoming their own person and she was just having such a hard time and felt less than. She goes I had no idea my dear polished friend Rosemary was having these same problems as me.
S: I think we want to know that people are having the same struggles we’re having. We want to know that our mess isn’t too big or too much and we want to know that other people are wrestling and succeeding and wrestling and sometimes falling down and bloodying their knees and still going on and I think that is such an important part of how we connect as women.
R: Absolutely, absolutely. So I would love for you guys to reach out to Susie and you can go to her website and preorder her book Listen, learn, love. I’ve already pre ordered mine. I can’t wait to get it. And visit her at susiemiller.com all the links will be in the show notes and I appreciate you being here Susie.
S: Thank you. thank you so much for having me Rosemary and for the work you do with this community and for the fact that you’re so candid and authentic with the women because I feel like that is just like having a friend that they really need and to the ladies who are listening give yourself a big pat on the back because you’re doing what most people aren’t doing. You’re pursuing your dreams. You’re trying. And one of my favorite quotes is about – from Teddy Roosevelt about being in the arena and daring greatly. And I feel like to be a mompreneur you really are in the arena and you’re daring greatly so do some self-affirmation today and give yourself a yay me. I have a ton of my clients — you need to text me with the yay me and let me know how it’s going and comment on my blog. I’d love to hear from you and I just really appreciate the chance of being here Rosemary.
R: And that is another show from motivating other moms. If you’d like to get connected to some of my amazing guests and other mompreneurs who understand what it takes to build a business and be a mom head on over to motivatingothermoms.com and sign up for my newsletter. I will send you a link to add you into my private Facebook community created especially for mompreneurs like you. My desire is that you take one of these things you learned or were reminded of today and apply it to your business or life. I know that a small change can make a big difference and I am committed to bringing you one new story a week to inspire you, motivate you, help you not feel so alone in your mompreneur journey and leave you saying I can do this.
Woman: All right mompreneurs. This episode of motivating other moms has come to an end. Are you feeling inspired? Visit motivatingothermoms.com for more wonderful episodes and be sure to join our mailing list to get great free bonuses to keep your life and business moving forward. We’ll see you next time on motivating other moms.
Key Takeaways
[05:29] Susie tells her story
[07:32] “We don’t do this alone.”
[10:35] Rosemary and Susie discuss judgement
[14:12] Susie explains the importance of being in the moment
[18:06] Success in the home life
[21:14] Rosemary and Susie talk about taking vacations with your spouse
[24:31] What does your perfect life look like?
[25:43] Susie speaks about balance versus harmony
[29:14] Being alone with your spouse
[32:40] Susie talks about saying no and the deeper yes
[34:53] Rosemary talks about her spirituality journey
[38:15] Fighting with spouse
[40:55] Susie describes the gifts she is giving away
[46:01] What is real?
[47:12] Susie and Rosemary discuss the importance of knowing others are struggling
Mentioned in This Episode
http://www.susiemiller.com/
http://www.listenlearnlovebook.com/
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