Hi guys!
So I’m finally here with the first official Ask Monica feature! This is my attempt to make up for the fact that I simply cannot get back to all of the emails and messages that come through anymore. I’m hoping to cover the most commonly asked questions, or at least those that will benefit the most readers.
You’ll also find a quick list of random answers/trivia/useless information at the bottom.
Q from Jennifer (2 parts)
1. PERSONAL GROWTH: You mentioned in a previous post about developing your self and your interests apart from your normal routine with your family and husband. Do you have any ideas on how to pursue this? My time is engulfed by teenagers and their crazy schedules. I don’t know where to start or what my personal interests even are!
A: Great question Jennifer! Yes–I think it’s super important to find interests apart from your normal daily routine. Something to stimulate creativity and learning, and to grow a sense of your uniqueness as a person! I know this can be hard in the midst of busy family seasons, but I still think it is a worthwhile pursuit! My best advice is to step back and literally observe yourself: What are you drawn to? What catches your eye when you are reading or watching television. Is there something that you’ve always been drawn to, even if just as a fan? If so, these are all good tips to recognize something that could grow to be a personal hobby or passion. Of course we have seasons in life, so I don’t think it is always the “right time” to dive into a new personal pursuit…but even reading up on something, or beginning to dream about it is a great start. And then when you find something you want to pursue there is the delicate balancing act of enjoying something that is your own interest, and keeping it at a healthy place in light of your role in the family.
As for me: I try to keep my family first, but to intentionally carve out (as in plan and schedule!) time for me to create, write, and pursue the things that fill my tank. I fight off guilt by reminding myself of how much better I am for everyone else when I am balanced and healthy. And the cool thing: The family actually kicks in does pretty darned well without me at their constant beck and call. 
2. MARITAL INTIMACY: How do you find time and space to be intimate with your husband with so much chaos? Teens are too old to be farmed out and too young to be out late. There is just no privacy.
A: {Since my kids often read my blog I’ll be vague with this one…:) }
The best advice I can give is to be creative, and plan. If your mind is prepared, then you are more likely to make a way. It is helpful to take two extra minutes to put on some of your favorite lotions or oils, to wear some sexy undies, or whatever might help you feel playful and intimate rather than like a worn-out mommy.
We also try to be consistent with date nights and even taking time to just sit and connect about our day absolutely helps build that emotional connection which absolutely helps…everything else.
Q from Kim: SEX TALKS WITH KIDS: At what age did you and Dave talk to the boys about sex? Was it brought up first by the boys as a question relating to sex, where do babies come from, specific body questions or did you guys just know when to broach the subject with them? Also, was it both of you or just Dave doing the explanations? Thanks in advance, I totally respect your advice and opinions. We are Christians and I want to present this topic to my boys in a way that is pleasing to God.
A: Oh, yes Kim–a hot question! (and thank you for the kind words!)
We have not been as organized as we could have been on this topic, so I hope some readers will also chime in with their experiences in comments. I am a big believer in bringing up topics–before they become an issue, so I did not want to wait for the boys to have questions. When I was pregnant with Levi the topic came up naturally, so we had a big talk with all three older boys–who were then 6, 8, and 10. Of course they were totally grossed out and never wanted to talk again, haha! But we really have always just talked naturally about things as they came up with each of the boys as well. We used a series of books called God’s Design for Sex by FamilyLife. (The parent guide is :How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character (God’s Design for Sex) and then there are separate books for each age range, starting with this one: Before I Was Born (God’s Design for Sex)
We read some out-loud together, and then passed the books on for the boys to read on their own as well. Dave and I initially talked to them together, but I am much more the talker in the family, so I seem to randomly bring things up the most, asking questions, or throwing out random topics as they are age-appropriate. Since my two oldest boys are in their teenage years now, I have directed them to Dad as their “go-to” guy, and he has opened the door to any and all questions, talks about sexuality, purity, and God’s design for it all.
The main thing I would say here is though books can be super helpful, and a weekend away (see below) is an awesome idea, just being a family that is open and comfortable talking about sex is really the key. We have never approached it as taboo or uncomfortable, so I think it is just an easy topic to bring up any time. And of course with homeschooling, we have many opportunities to chat throughout the day!
{A reader named Desire had shared in previous comments that she recommends a CD program called “The Big Weekend. ” It is from a Christian company in New Zealand called “The Parenting Place”. That might be a good one to google and look into!}
Q from PAT: SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS: Any advice you could provide on developing a strong friendship/relationship between brothers? I know my boys (ages 15 and 13) love each other but they don’t seem to like each other very much. They have differing personalities (Type A vs. Type B) and interests but would rather spend time alone than with each other. Help?
A: I’m sorry, I know this can be a tough one. Obviously you cannot force a good relationship, but you can help set things up to foster more of a friendship between the boys. Planning things that will put the brothers together, without outside friends along is a good start. Hikes or family outings…Times where they are kind of forced to hang out, but outside of the home and a usual setting which might only emphasize their differences. Sharing fun experiences naturally bonds them as brothers, and you can hope that this will stimulate more of a friendship.
I also think that you can emphasize each of the boys’ strengths as you talk to them so that they see the ways that they might compliment each other. This may take time to kick in, but you can hope that in time they’ll realize that as different as they are–together they could make a great team. Take time to speak words of encouragement to each of the boys in front of the other one, pointing out their great qualities, and even take turns as a family affirming one another in such a way that the boys are challenged to consider things they really do love about each other.
The rest of the relationship will likely just come with time. Sometimes it takes years, but I’m guessing that your boys will end up good friends down the road! Pray for this and be patient!
Q from Lucy K (2 parts)
1.- SKIN CARE: Living in Hawaii and being out in the sun all the time, how do you care for your boys’ skin? Do you use sunscreen?
A: Ahhh, yes, Lucy! I call my husband the Sunscreen Police because he is always slapping the stuff on us! Sadly, I abused my skin as a teenager (tanning beds year-round! What WAS I thinking!?) So now I always always wear face lotion with sunscreen, (Neutrogena is a favorite)and try to protect my skin by wearing layers, hats, and sunscreen. My boys are super aware, and always wear sunscreen too!
2. SKATEPARK SAFETY FOR THE YOUNGER KIDS: I’ve started taking my boys 10 & 4 to the skatepark and boy have I experienced some very interesting situations. Everything from the language some of the older kids use around the younger ones (we’re also Christian). To witnessing some intimidation tactics toward the younger kids to get them to leave the park. Anyway, my question is if you ever experienced that out where you live and how you handle it, of course now with your skatepark at home you don’t have to worry about it, lucky!
A: You’re totally right! The skate park seems to be a place where you see (and hear) a little bit of everything. Since we were almost always with our boys at our local skate park, we most of all listened and observed what was going on. We could then talk through anything we noticed or overheard with our boys later. A few time when the scene was just ugly, we would just pack up and leave. When we first began going to the park, we taught our boys to be super respectful, wait their turn, and break in to the scene slowly. I think it paid off because over time they also won the respect of the other kids and other than a few unusual bad attitudes, our boys did pretty well.
But indeed, all of those things were certainly motivation for building our own park! We now have an official “no-punk skate zone.”
Q from Nikki: BOOKS/BIBLE DEVOTION RECOMMENDATIONS: I was wondering if you have some recommendations on Bible devotion books and reading books for boys at different age levels? What books did they enjoy? Thank you for your time.
A: Great question. I hope some other readers will chime in on this one, because I’m also always looking for new books as well.
As for our experience, since we have homeschooled from a very young age, we have used reading books that were part of our school curriculum. We love all of the books on the Sonlight Homeschool curriculum website. Sonlight does the work of selecting awesome books which are full of practical and inspiring life lessons. Most of the books are classics and award winners, and the boys have been so inspired by lessons from great people from history.
As for devotionals, we have used a lot of different ones, and I have loved something about all of them! Currently our boys all really enjoy this one: Jesus Calling: 365 Devotions For Kids. They also read from the Bible every day. My oldest son does a Bible reading plan App on his phone. Recently I’ve also been excited to find devotional apps on my phone for my little guy. Veggie Tales daily animated devotional being his current favorite!
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Now for a few random facts…
1. Favorite Date Night: Leisurely dinner and walk on the beac hat sunset. …Latest favorite Haleiwa dinner spot: Luibuenos restaurant. Best fish tacos anywhere.
2. What am I reading? Currently–This one by Lysa Terkeurst: The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless DemandsA
And Donald Miller’s: Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy
3. On how do we keep the house clean/organized: Everyone helps. Lots of nagging. It’s never done. Learning to call it “lived in,” not “messy.”
4. All of the home school questions (there are so many!) Start here about our curriculum. This is some confessions. And this post has a little video about some of what I love most. (and I promise to write more about our home school life…eventually.)
Feel free to add your thoughts to any of the questions in comments below. You can also leave a question for a future Ask Monica segment in comments–or email them to me at: thegrommom(at)gmail(dot)com! If I didn’t get to your question yet, feel free to leave it again and hopefully I’ll get to it eventually!
Aloha and see you soon!
Monica
PS Amazon links in this post are affiliate links (meaning if you purchase something Amazon will pay me a few cents…:)) but many of the links I have shared are not affiliate–I’m just spreading the Aloha…)
XOXO
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