Wow. It’s been over 14 months since I’ve put pen to paper on this blog. Or fingertips to the keyboard. You get what I’m saying.
I’ve missed it, but it’s also awkward. Kind of like meeting an old friend for coffee and not knowing what to say or where to begin. But as the conversation slowly starts to pick up speed, you start feeling at home – like you just saw that old friend yesterday. I’m hoping that that’s what will happen here, as well.
Where have I been? What have I been up to? Well, 2018 was not my favorite year. In fact, if you would’ve asked me about it last week I would have said it was an awful year and I was looking forward to closing the door on it. But just a couple of days ago, I started to feel the need to write. To explain (to myself?) why maybe this year had not been as miserable as I thought.
Let me start at the beginning…
September 22, 2017 was the last time that I published anything here. I really hadn’t published much in 2017 to be honest. I tried, but I’d lost my passion for it. The blogging world was changing, and I felt like maybe I was too. I’d been writing here for almost 8 years, and I guess I was over it.
It happened for a number of reasons. The kids are getting older (Ethan is 11 and the girls are 9) and asking me not to talk about them anymore on the blog. Their schedules began getting busier, which meant that mine was too. And I felt like I had run out of things to say. So I decided to take a break.
Come December 2017, I lost my work-from-home job I’d had for years. My boss closed the doors to her business to pursue other opportunities. I’m so thankful that I was able to work from home for so long (8 years!) but I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with myself.
The holidays came and went. I didn’t know what to do with all of my time. I’ve always been open and honest about my struggles with depression and how I don’t realize that I’m having a bout of depression until it’s over. 2018 had kicked off, and I was in a bad, bad place. I was depressed, drinking too much, not taking care of myself, I was the heaviest weight-wise that I’d ever been, and it was all too much.
Too much sadness and anxiety.
Too much time doing nothing.
Too much drinking.
Too much weight. Both physically and mentally.
Just.Too.Much.
TOO MUCH
Depression
Yep, I didn’t know it then, but I was depressed. Actually the most depressed I’ve ever been. I was also experiencing horrible anxiety – I rarely left the house, I didn’t want to do anything with anybody, and I would panic when I would think about a, b, c, or d and start obsessively worrying about things I had no control over.
I’d get the kids off to school, and come home and sleep until they were almost out of school. Then I’d put myself together so I could mom until it was finally time to get back into bed. And repeat.
Time
I was sleeping too much and depressed. I was offered several opportunities to work again, and I either passed on them or screwed them up. I was just too exhausted to do anything. And on top of that, I just didn’t care.
Drinking
And because we all know what a molotov cocktail depression, anxiety, and drinking are, I decided to give that a go. Was I drinking because of the depression or depressed because of the drinking? Was I drinking to escape or to cope? I don’t know, but it did begin to affect my family, my marriage, and my health. The excessive drinking had to stop.
Weight
In January, I weighed the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. EVER. I weighed more than when I was pregnant with the twins! I felt fat, exhausted, out of shape, and miserable. So instead of trying to help get myself out of the rut, I fed into it more. Junk food. Or not eating at all. I’m sure that helped with the depression and drinking, too.
April 2018
April was a significant month for me. It was the tipping point – I could choose to stay in the downward spiral or I could start fixing things.
Two people know when I’m experiencing depression – my sister and my husband. He sat me down one night and we talked. He told me he knew I was really depressed, and suggested that maybe I should try something new. He mentioned me getting a job. Not online, but outside of the home. A “real” job as my family would always tease me about.
I was not excited about the idea. I mean, I could barely get out of bed and he’s suggesting I go to work? For some reason, it piqued my curiosity though, and I started looking around. It was pretty soon after that that I received a call from a recruiter about a full-time position with a huge company (who happens to be headquartered in the city I live in.) I filled out the recruiter’s application and began the process.
I put a former boss (and I mean real former – I worked for him more than 10 years ago before Ethan was born) down as a reference. The recruiter called him, and he called me soon after. He hired my back in the same conversation. I was going back to work outside of the home for the first time in more than 10 years. It was scary and exciting.
Around the same time my husband, who had also put on a significant amount of weight, finally decided to do something about it. He started a keto diet, and the weight started falling off. He was feeling better, looked amazing, and really urging me to take better care of myself. My sister had been doing intermittent fasting for months, and had lost more than 20 pounds. I decided to try that.
Late Summer 2018
I was working, losing weight, the depression and anxiety were completely gone, and I was happier, healthier, and feeling good.
That’s when we started losing family members. I’ve mentioned before that Jason lost both of his parents long before we had kids. My sister’s in-laws were like another set of grandparents for my kids. Papa Don and Grandma Sharon. My grandmother had been suffering from Alzheimers for years, and it was slowly and progressively getting worse.
And within a span of 3 months, we lost all three of them. It was stressful and awful. It was hard on our family.
Gratefully I was in a mental place that I could deal with it without falling apart. Between August and October, all three of them had passed. It was a hard time, but I was thankful to have known – and loved – them all.
Today
I’m happy! I AM HAPPY!
I’m working and enjoying it. I am so glad that my husband suggested the change. I needed it.
The depression and anxiety are gone. This is partly because I decided to take care of myself, and partly because I decided to give something else a try that my sister recommended. CBD oil. It was an absolute life changer for me and I’ll explain more later.
Remember that intermittent fasting I mentioned? Since May, I’ve lost 30 pounds! I have about 5-10 more to go, but I’m giving myself grace and waiting until the new year to finish up. More on that later as well because it was a life changer for me, too. People ask lots of questions about what it is and how it works and what my journey through it was, so I’ll definitely share more about that. It’s so important to me because it’s not a diet – it’s a lifestyle change that I plan to keep forever.
What’s Next?
Blissdom 2012
A few weeks ago, it was announced that Blissdom was coming back in 2019! Blissdom was a blog conference that used to happen annually in Nashville. I went to Blissdom 2012 – after blogging for a couple of years and making a ton of online friends – and it’s still one of my favorite blogging memories. It was the first time that I got to meet many of those online friends in person, and it was one of the best times I’ve ever had with friends.
When the announcement was made about Blissdom, many of us “old school” bloggers were chatting on Facebook, and many of us started to think about blogging again. Most of us had stopped, and after the conversation, several of us realized how much we missed it.
That’s what started that writing itch I was feeling. That’s when I decided to breathe new life into this little ol’ blog of mine. I won’t solely be focusing on parenting, and instead I’m going to write about me and things that I know. Books, recipes, kitchen tips and tricks, intermittent fasting, trying to be fashionable over 40, parenting hacks, fails, and wins (and there’s been many of each,) and my favorite things.
I’m also going to clean up and revamp Mommy of a Monster. It’s been years, and my lil’ piece of the internet deserves it.
I mentioned back in 2017 that I was bringing on a couple of contributors: my sister Angie and sister in law Danielle. That’s going to happen in the new year, too. Ethan wants to contribute book reviews and so you’ll get to meet him, instead of just hearing stories about him.
And what I realized just a couple of days ago is that maybe 2018 didn’t suck like I thought it did. Maybe 2018 wasn’t just a horrible year. Maybe, just maybe, 2018 was a year of growth for me and that I am better because of it. 2018 was a year of trials for me. And I think that I passed them all. But I am still glad that it’s almost over because I’m really looking forward to what 2019 has in store for me!
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