Okay, you guys. This is it. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Welcome to Outlander: The Shaggening.
That’s right: after last week’s episode, where Dougal decided that Claire had to marry the sexiest dork in the land to keep her out of English hands, we have arrived at THE WEDDING OMG. And I think there’s one thing we all want to say to Jamie and Claire on this special day…
But before we get to this, here’s something super upsetting. My friend Steph sent me this YouTube clip of a 60s Australian pop version of the Skye Boat Song, AKA the Outlander theme tune. It is actually deeply disturbing. Well, I found it disturbing. So watch at your peril.
Right. Back to the sexytimes.
Unsurprisingly, in an episode entitled ‘The Wedding’, we open the episode with a wedding! But it is not the wedding of Claire and Jamie – no, it is the wedding of Claire and Frank back in the twentieth century. They’re on their way to meet Frank’s parents for dinner, and on the way, Frank convinces Claire to pop into the wedding registry and get hitched. She’s wearing a pretty cool little suit, he’s wearing a rather dashing hat, and hey presto! married, no muss, no fuss.
Yeah, yeah, you have great hat game, whatever, BRING ME MY SEXY DORK.
It’s a memory that is obviously fond for Claire, but I suspect that the memory of her second wedding might end up being sweeter, because HOLY SHIT ADORABLE DORKY JAMIE. Frank seems, like, fine or whatever, but Jamie, Claire. JAMIE.
We segue from Claire’s memory of Frank kissing her on their wedding day to the… present? Past? 1743, anyway, where the priest has just said, “you may now kiss your bride,” and Jamie has just laid one on her.
AWWWWW YISSSSS
I was a bit surprised that we were getting thrown right in the deep end here – I had kind of assumed that this episode would be a slow build up through the preparations for the wedding, the actual wedding, and then the wedding night (bow chicka wow wow). But I think it was better this way – there’s a sort of inevitability about Jamie and Claire’s marriage. Resistance would have been futile (and would have really hurt Jamie’s feelings). They’re married: and now they have to deal with it.
We do get the story of what has happened in the day or so leading up to this marriage, but it’s told in flashback. This is a very tightly focused episode: it’s all about Claire and Jamie and their relationship. And you guys… it’s so great. Like, it’s SO great.
And I’m not going to lie – it’s also scorchingly hot.
Me, said to this episode.
So post-wedding, Claire is sitting in the bedroom upstairs at the tavern, thinking sadly about Frank, when in comes the sexy dork to whom she is now married. They’re both mega awks: he’s all, “so yeah, everyone’s having a rager downstairs, and they’re going to keep having one until they’re satisfied we’ve boned,” and she’s like, “I’m surprised they’re not in here watching,” and he’s like, “some of the Beardies tried, trust me.”
And they are both SO AWKWARD, bless their hearts. Especially poor Jamie, who just does not know where to put his face.
“I – um – err… that is, well…”
Claire’s like, “you know what we need? Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.” Jamie’s like, “OMG YES PLEASE,” and they clink their glasses together and drink.
And then Claire keeps drinking. And drinking. Jamie does the first shot with her and then he basically just watches her drink. Part of him is clearly impressed at the amount she can put away, but another part of him is like, “…sadface. She needs to be drunk to want to make out with me. My poor dork feelings.”
“Do I need to send my new wife to the 1743 version of AA?”
But he deals with it. He’s like, “Claire, babe, you don’t need to be scared. I’m not going to jump you.” She’s all, “I know, I know, Jamie. I know you’re cool. I just… I have some questions. Like, for example – just a small question, nothing important – um, why did you agree to marry me?”
He’s like, “well, I didn’t have much of a choice – I wasn’t going to let you get turned over to Black Jack ‘lord of the dickheads’ Randall, was I? We’re mates. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
But as we see in a flashback, there’s a little more to it than that. Not so much the reason for marrying her, which is accurate, but we get further proof – like we needed any – that Jamie is indeed the loveliest dude 1743 has to offer. He has to be expressly ordered by Dougal to consummate the marriage, and not just lie and say that he has, because otherwise it might be declared invalid. And then when Dougal and some Beardies starts talking about how they want to bone Claire too, Jamie is all, “UM DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY FUTURE WIFE LIKE THAT. SHOW SOME RESPECT, DICKS.”
Jamie is the best guy, because he really does believe Claire has a say in all matters.
So Claire’s like, “…wow,” and Jamie’s all, “Claire, I would do anything to protect you. Anything. Let me tell you all the ways I will protect you. I mean, there’s legal protection and stuff because we’re married, but let’s talk specifically about how I’ll protect you with my body.”
At this point, the entire female audience has melted into a puddle on the floor, and I’m not entirely sure how Claire has managed to remain standing.
Not that she is unaffected. She walks over to him and sits down, and there is MEANINGFUL HAND HOLDING…
It’s like the Blanket of Desire, but without the blanket.
…and ALMOST KISSING when she pulls back and is like, “so tell me about your family.”
LOOK AT THIS DORK CRACKING UP
And Jamie, bless his heart, starts laughing. It’s the best possible thing he could have done, because it re-establishes that delightful friendship they’ve had going on all season, and they genuinely start to have a good time.
I love that their bromance is just as important as their romance. They’re kind of like Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt in Parks and Recreation in that sense – they love each other, but perhaps more importantly, they like each other.
Jamie totally would have tried to get this in the wedding vows if “writing your own vows” was a thing they did in 1743.
So they have a chat about each other’s families and drink more and laugh and generally have a good time, until in bust a collection of Beardies, who are very disappointed to see that the marriage hasn’t yet been consummated: “They’ve still got their clothes on!” one of them groans. Jamie hustles the Beardies out of there quickly with some stern words, but when he and Claire are alone again, they know there’s nothing they can do now: they really, really, really have to have sex.
And we all feel soooooooo bad for them. Nope, we definitely weren’t all yelling, “NOW KISS EACH OTHER!” to the screen.
What follows is an incredibly erotic undressing scene.
Seriously, props, Outlander.
Jamie’s all, “…well, even if we don’t have sex right at this second, you’re not going to be able to sleep in your corset, right?”, and he looks so pleased with himself you totally know he planned this line. This was HIS BIG MOVE OMG. Smooth, dorkboy. Claire’s like, “honey, there are like seventeen more layers in this dress that need to come off before we even think about the corset,” and instructs him how to help her out of them. It’s a beautiful mirror to the scenes we saw in earlier episodes where Claire donned the clothes of 1743 like armour: now, she doesn’t even have the clothes to help her.
When she’s down to her shift, she’s like, “my turn,” and unbuckles Jamie’s belt, sending his kilt falling to the floor. And… IT. IS. ON.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Claire’s a bit astonished at just how good Jamie seems to be at this: she’s all, “where did you learn to kiss so well?” and he’s like, “I’m a virgin, not a monk.”
Nnnnnnnnghghnnnghgh
This is a slightly more plausible explanation for Jamie’s sexing abilities than his fellow sexy boy virgin Jon ‘knows nothing, except how to go down’ Snow of Game of Thrones got. Although Jamie’s abilities seem to be based more on enthusiasm than actual skill, because everything goes way too fast: they’re kissing, and suddenly, SEX! and then it’s done.
And then neither of them quite know what to do. Oh, you poor dorks. I adore you so.
But at least they can laugh about it, bless their hearts.
Jamie’s like, “…shit, sorry. Everyone told me ladies aren’t into sex. So sorry about that. Srsly, SORRY,” to which Claire is like, “bro, I was super into that” – which she was, although she clearly knows there’s room for improvement. She feels very guilty about how into it she was, actually – she thinks, “so not only am I a bigamist and an adulteress, I liked deflowering this beautiful dork. Shit.” (In the background, Jamie is obviously going, “AWWWW YISSSS,” in his head. Bless his heart.)
She’s like, “so how was that for you? was that how you imagined your first time?” He’s like, “umm… not exactly. I actually thought that sex always happened from behind,” which makes Claire seriously LOL… mostly because it’s funny, but surely at least partly because it signals something about the dire level of sex education in 1743.
“I’ll get right on starting up some sex ed classes, if I can ever bring myself to leave this bed,” thinks Claire the Nurse.
Claire gets the post-sex munchies, and is out the bedroom door before Jamie can stop her, although he does follow her. Naturally, this leads to lots of cheering and suggestive comments from the revellers below, so Jamie sends Claire back inside while he scouts out provisions. There’s lots of back-slapping and suchlike, and then Dougal’s like, “hang out here for a bit, Jamie. You don’t want her to think you’re too keen…”
…cut to Jamie telling Claire what Dougal said, and being all, “can you even believe that guy?” The Jamie/Claire bromance has SURVIVED SEX, y’all, and I am so pleased. They laugh and eat cheese and drink together, and then Jamie calls her “mo nighean donn” (my brown-haired lass), which I gather will be his pet name for her going forward… when he’s not calling her “Sassenach”, that is.
So he has a nickname for her, but what will she call him? I have a number of suggestions…
He clearly wants to get his mack on again, but Claire, presumably still feeling guilty re the Frank situation, changes the subject.
And then we get on to a part of the episode I really loved, because we find out that Jamie, despite the fact he only had a day to prepare for his wedding, was a TOTAL bridezilla.
1) He made one of the Beardies (Murtagh Beardy) ride far far away to get him a special kilt in Fraser colours – a kilt which said Beardy will also have to ride well out of his way to return.
2) He insisted that the wedding take place in a church, which means that Dougal and a baby Beardy had to rouse and bargain with the local priest, who looks like a vampire dying of flu.
3) He made some more Beardies (Rupert and Angus Beardy) go to a blacksmith and get a wedding ring for Claire made out of a key.
4) He made Ned the Accountant Lawyer go to a brothel and hunt down a dress for Claire. (Which made me go, “oh! that makes sense now!” because I’d been wondering all episode why Claire was wearing a dress which her boobs were continually threatening to escape.)
Ned the Accountant Lawyer did a pretty good job, dress-finding wise.
While Jamie was making all these wedding day demands, however, Claire was getting absolutely shitfaced. I am amazed at her alcohol tolerance. Jamie seems a bit sad that her memory of the wedding is patchy, though she definitely remembers the important bits (including taking off her old wedding ring and wedging it in her cleavage).
But does she remember this FUCKING ADORABLE bow Jamie makes to her?
But even if she didn’t remember anything, Jamie’s memory of their wedding is clear as day. He remembers all of it – the vows, the ring, the bit where Dougal slashes both their wrists open and made them share blood in a way I’m sure Claire the Nurse found totally unsanitary… all of it. I hope it lived up to the fantasy wedding he’d obviously been planning in his head for some time.
Claire is super touched by Jamie’s recap for her of their wedding (and of all the EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE it had for him – he’s all, “when you kissed me like that at the altar, I thought maybe you weren’t so sorry to be marrying me after all”). And not just super touched – super turned on as well. “Take off your shirt,” she tells him. “I want to look at you.”
DON’T WE ALL, CLAIRE. Don’t we all.
Jamie obeys, and then we get this long, loving, firelit shot of all his abulousness. Claire clearly found it horrid. So horrid. And so did I. How could one even look?
(For realsies, he is so handsome it is totally ridic.)
OH HAI FEMALE GAZE
Then he’s like, “my turn,” and off comes Claire’s shift, and for the first time, they’re naked in front of each other – physically and emotionally, lest you be worried that this nakedness does not have deeper narrative significance.
And then IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
Jamie has clearly learned from the last time, because this time, he is introduced to the wonders of the female orgasm… something he is a little confused, but quite delighted by. Also, Claire is in the driving seat this time, and she makes sure Jamie has a very, very, VERY good time, if you know what I mean.
And can we just talk about how great it is that we get to see a woman being active in sex – a woman fucking, instead of just being fucked? Ten points to Gryffindor. (Which would totally be Claire’s Hogwarts house… although Jamie would obvs be Hufflepuff.)
When they’re done, everyone’s favourite dorky now-ex-virgin falls asleep.
Awwwwwww. He’s all wore out.
Claire wraps herself in his plaid and goes downstairs to sneak some food (and, knowing her, probably more booze). It’s all deserted. Everyone has gone home. Except Dougal.
I just cannot make Dougal out. On the one hand, he’s like, “rape is bad, don’t do it,” and is saving Claire from the clutches of the English, and on the other he does dickish things like what he does here – he’s like, “hey Claire, I know you’re married to Jamie now, but we should totes bone.”
Thankfully a Beardy enters and Claire is able to flee back upstairs to her handsome dork of a husband, but the experience is obviously rattling, because she sits at the window, wrapped in Jamie’s plaid, brooding. Jamie wakes up and sees her, and he’s like, “…jewellery! Chicks love jewellery, amirite?” Luckily, he’s been carrying his mother’s pearl necklace around with him, and he gives it to Claire, with a solemn declaration that it is very precious to him… just like she is.
An ACTUAL pearl necklace. Get your minds out of the gutter.
Is it any wonder that Claire can’t resist getting it on with him for a third time that night? Oh Jamie. You are so adorable.
The next morning, they’re getting ready and making jokes about how much sex they had and how much sex they’re going to have.
Aren’t they just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?
Jamie leaves Claire to finish getting ready. Claire picks up her wedding dress, trying to work out how to strap herself back into it, when…
…out bounces her old wedding ring, which she had wedged in her boobs the day before.
She puts it on: Frank’s ring on her left hand, Jamie’s on her right. “Fuck,” says the expression on her face.
“Fuckity fuckity fuck.”
If I were her, I would have added, “…Frank, because Jamie is clearly going to be the best husband in the history of time,” to that “fuck”, but each to their own. Take your time, Claire bear.
Especially take your time when it comes to finding a way back to the twentieth century. I know it has, like, indoor plumbing and stuff, but 1743 has the advantage of being the home of one very, very adorable, sexy, handsome dork.
Srsly. You’re telling me you would walk away from this dork? I don’t think so.