Guys? I order everything on Amazon now.
Everything.
Not really clothes or digital books or anything, but just about everything else.
About two months ago one of my co-workers was on Amazon during lunch, stocking up on toilet paper and paper towels and detergent and all of the things you go to the grocery store to buy once every 3-8 weeks when you run out of them.
When she told the room what she’d been doing, everyone teased her. Understandable, because ordering toilet paper online, the place where you go to buy high end clothing you can’t find in your city, vintage trinkets and ironic t-shirts, seems silly. Super silly. And anything you say in a writers room, for the most part, will be made fun of because that’s the law. It’s an actual law.
But then I got to thinking. “What purchases do I regularly make that feel the most like a chore? The ones I put off until there’s absolutely no choice other than to haul my ass to the store and get it.?
Paper towels
Toilet paper
Clorox wipes
Wet Swiffers
Laundry detergent
409
Sponges
Tampons
Bar soap
Hand soap
Dish soap
Why do I hate shopping for these things? Because I’m a single woman with zero upper body strength and I like to keep my grocery runs to two bags at max. I live up a flight of stairs and park two gates, a security door that’s hard to open when you’re managing nothing else, a flight of stairs, and a dog that freaks the fuck out via barking and loud pawing at his crate every time I walk into the house away. So when one of those bags, in addition to my lame piece of cheese and three yogurts and small container of milk and bottle of wine and various produce items also carries two clunky bottles of hand soap, a 24-pack of Wet Swiffers, it’s overwhelming. And when the second hand is carrying a 36-pack of paper towels and a bouquet of flowers that I impulsed purchased to attempt to infuse some joy into my life, it’s too much. I’m sorry— I do a lot, I am a capable adult, but I can not be fussing with no security door AND awkward sizes of cleaning products. And yes, I can make multiple trips to my car, but I can’t open my car doors while my car is in it’s spot because the space is too narrow, so I’d have to leave my car hanging out with the hazards on, which gives me anxiety. Plus I don’t think it’s fair to my neighbors to get my dog all riled up by my mere presence then leave him in his cage barking. Not fair to the dog, either.
So I started buying these types of things on Amazon. It’s like Costco without going to Costco! They come to my door, the shipping is free because I upgraded to Prime last year (and if you’re buying more than $100 worth of things on Amazon a year and you’re not a Prime member, you are PLAYING YOURSELF— two day free shipping for $89 a year!) and they’re usually a little bit cheaper than they’d be at the store.
I tend to buy in bulk because running out of something I’d just bought the week before was the whole problem, and in instances where I order too much and feel like a hoarder, I give them to my fronds. Two weeks ago when I showed up to brunch with four pals, a bottle of Mrs. Meyers honeysuckle hand soap for each of them in hand, I felt like Santa.
Obviously this is also great if you have kids and constantly need paper goods, are car-less, living in a dorm, or unable to find your favorite cleaning products at your local supermarket. I’ve also been buying my favorite East Coast seltzer brand for a fraction of what I thought it’d cost.
The Internet is even more there for us than we know, guys.
P.S. I’m terribly sorry if I’m literally the last person this concept has occurred to, but if you can tell anything from my description of carrying paper towels into my house and the way I let my seven pound dog run my life, it’s that I’m semi-pathetic.