Do you always argue or you are finding it difficult to discuss issues calmly with your partner? Does it feel as if you are always walking through a minefield in which any step could set off an explosive dispute? Or do you always feel this inner anger that makes you want to spill it all at any slightest provocation?
If this is the case, be assured that things can greatly improve and you will go back to having a blissful and romantic relationship with your partner, the way it used to be. But first, you need to find out why you and your partner argue so much.
WHY THE ARGUMENT?
Misunderstanding is the primary cause of arguments in any human relationship. Sometimes, your partner may say something to you but it may not come out the way he or she intended. Sometimes, it's the approach.
No matter how compatible you and your spouse may seem to be, your views on some matters may certainly differ. Why? Because no two persons are exactly alike—a fact that can add either variety or tension to marriage. For many couples, the result is tension.
On the other, partners experience tensions and misunderstandings due to the fact that they may have had poor role models.
Children who were brought up in riotic or problematic families tend to exhibit same behaviours when they find themselves in a relationship or marriage. For the women, having a mother who disrespects and talks back to their father is a kind of motivation for them to do same. According to Mrs Obiageli, “My parents argued a lot and made disrespectful comments to each other, so when I got married, I talked to my husband the way my mother used to talked to my father. I had not learned how to show respect.”
Furthermore, deeper concerns is yet another factor responsible for arguments between partners.
Often, a fiery argument is really about something other than the event that ignited it. For example, a dispute that starts with “You’re always late!” may not be about the need for punctuality but about one spouse feeling that he or she has been treated inconsiderately. So the feeling of being treated inconsiderately becomes the underlying factor responsible for the argument. Not necessarily being late.
So, whatever the cause, frequent arguing can adversely affect your health and can even be a predictor of eventual divorce.
How THEN CAN YOU STOP ARGUING
A major key to preventing arguments is identifying the underlying issues that fuel them. When things are calm, try the following exercise with your spouse.
1. On separate sheets of paper, each of you should write down the topic of a recent argument. For example, a husband might write, “You spent the whole day with your friends and didn’t call me to tell me where you were.” A wife might write, “You got upset because I spent time with my friends.”
2. With an open mind, discuss the following: Was the matter really that serious? Could it have been overlooked? In some cases, for the sake of peace, it may suffice to agree to disagree and to cover over the matter with love.—Bible principle: Proverbs 17:9.
If you and your spouse conclude that the matter was trivial, apologize to each other and consider it settled.—Bible principle: Colossians 3:13, 14.
But most importantly, don't try to talk back or defend yourself at the very heated moment of argument. The tension may be so high that you will begin to use inappropriate words on each other thereby hurting your partner.
The best approach is to take a walk. At this very moment you need space for tempers to calm. Then while on your own, think about the end result of this argument. Is it safe for your relationship? Is it something you can't talk over with your partnr? Did you know that a simple 'I am sorry baby' can clear the whole tension and put smiles on your faces?
Learn to take the blame even when it's obvious you are right. When you have eventually succeeded in calming things, sit your partner down and discuss the whole issue. Your misunderstandings are better resolved this way.
Feel free to share this beautiful piece with your partner, friends, colleagues and well wishers. They must learn what you have learnt.
Thank you.
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