Hi, I am an EB local but feel the need to go anon with this one as too many people know me. If you do recognise me, then please don't say anything. Please excuse the clinical nature of this - it's how I need to think right now.
I never thought I would be in this position and for once in my life, I don't know what to do.
I have 2 kids (1 special needs) and a DP and am pregnant with my 3rd. We bought a house 6 months ago. Everything has come undone since then. DP is nearly 40 and this is his first time out of home (please do not judge on that).
My DP (I am fairly certain) is an undiagnosed ASD. He struggles to cope with every day life and I knew this coming into the relationship. I have a child with a similar disability, so I felt more understanding of DPs needs for routine, difficulty in social situations, need for coping strategies etc.
He has now gone to the doctor to start the process of a diagnosis.
We decided to buy a house together and we decided to have a child together. There was no pushing from one side or the other. Truthfully I would have preferred to rent for a bit longer, but we both hated the house I was renting and there seemed to be little point in renting for another year in a different house and then having to move again. We found a house we both fell in love with and purchased it.
I do not believe that DP has coped since then. His routine has been all over the shop and he is overwhelmed entirely by the gravity of what we have done. This is meaning that he is struggling to get things done in the garden that he wants to do etc.
At the moment I take care of the finances and basically run the house. That is, until I got pregnant and got really bad morning sickness which has been lasting all day and made it impossible for me to keep up with everything. I felt lucky that school and work holidays had started or I would have struggled with getting the kids to school.
Things have gotten even worse since then as he has had to step up and do a lot of what I have not been able to do and that has been understandably difficult for him.
There is the added issues of one of my children having similar issues but ODD has well. I believe the ODD is clashing with the ASD.
Things came to a head this week on Day 1 when an incident occurred between DP and my child that I did not agree with and I agree, that made me angry and I felt the need to put my foot down as it was unacceptable to me.
I was angry and things were tense but being sick I didn't really have the energy to make a big fight about it any further.
On Day 2 I received text messages from my child's step mother which I perceived to be offensive (giving unwarranted parenting advice). I could not understand why she was saying that she keeps hearing that my child should live with them. My child did live with them for a period of time but she does not want him back there. Hence why I was offended at what I felt was unnecessary parenting advice from someone who does not want this child to live with them. DP did nothing but agree with me on how inappropriate the texts were.
On Day 3 I discover that he had called my child's father (obviously my ex) on the evening of Day 1 and discussed the situation with him and told him that things might not work and he didn't know what I would do with my child and that I may need to send him to live with them. He then deleted the call from his log, to hide it from me (he later admitted). I believe other things were spoken about but neither will tell me.
In the few minutes before I found out I was about to book a bowling session for us all to get us out of the house and doing something fun. I had sent a text to my ex saying how proud of my child I was for a few things that week. That is when he got confused and mentioned this phone call. Needless to say we did not go bowling.
At this point I felt like he had gone behind my back and gone too far. He says he was looking for advice on my child - but my child had been away for almost 2 weeks and had been back for 2 days and had been well behaved. So I was completely confused.
I snapped and yelled at him to get out of the house for a while to give me safe. He yelled back at me that I should terminate my pregnancy and we would sell the house and it was over.
I immediately rang a family member to come over and help me as I was mess. This is not supposed to be how it was all going to happen. He spent most of the afternoon ignoring my attempts to contact him. I went out for a drive to get some air and when I finally got a hold of him he yelled at me and told me it was over. Obviously I was a mess. I went back home and cried my eyes out.
He came to the house later to get some clothes and I was angry because he had not waited until the kids were asleep. So I forced him downstairs and to talk to me. I cried a lot and he almost had tears. I did most of the talking, and as usual, got stuff all answers out of him. I told him I needed some time to think about what I was going to do but that our relationship and whether I kept the pregnancy were two separate decisions.
I know I have not been the perfect partner. Perhaps I tried to help him cope too much and in doing so, I made him feel powerless. I never meant to do that. I just wanted to help. He has said numerous times that he wants to get a diagnosis so he learn to cope. I encouraged this many times but he hasn't done it until now.
He is still being angry at me and I can't figure out why.
In truth, I believe he is not coping and having some kind of break down. He is scared about everything we have done - moving out of home, buying a house and now the reality of being a parent.
I am now faced with the decision of whether I progress with this pregnancy for the following reasons:-
1. I don't want to be a single parent to 3 kids with 3 different dads. I am not trailer trash and I am starting to feel like it. My kids have quite a few years between them. I know this is my own issue.
2. This is going to be my last child no matter what. If I terminate, it is with the knowledge that my two children are it. My body will not handle any more after that. I don't know if I truly want that.
3. There is a high chance that this child will be like DP and my child - in having the similar issues. What if he can't cope with that? I will have to do it on my own anyway.
4. If we split then we lose everything. The house cannot be sold until September at minimum. I end up being a single mum again and somehow have to juggle my own business, two kids that go to different school and a baby.
5. I already love this child and I dearly want it.
6. Just not in these circumstances.
I have a counselling session booked for next week, but Tuesday seems so far away.
I don't know what to do and I don't know what I need from EB.
This is so out of character for him and I am worried that he will do this and I will not be able to forgive him and I will lose my baby and everything and I'm scared. I'm just plain scared of doing this pregnancy and birth etc alone. Well, I will have my family but you know what I mean.
Please don't tell me that DP is an a$$ etc because he is not. This is not usual behaviour. It really isn't.