It should be noted that we are ranking these flavors as they present themselves on the current Dairy Queen menu. It's very impressive that you're able to bat your eyes at your local blizzarista and order up a Mandarin-orange-and-Nutella Blizzard, but it's non-regulation and you know it. Same goes for discontinued Blizzard flavors. I think they should still have Reese's Pieces Blizzards, too. But there are rules.
As always, these rankings are final and legally binding, in perpetuity throughout the known universe and all future known universes.
Best Blizzard Flavors, Ranked
21. Hawaiian: Coconut, pineapple, and bananas. Yes, absolutely take the three most divisive fruit flavorings and cram them into the same Blizzard, then blame the whole thing on our 50th state. They're like five time zones behind! Who'll even notice??
20. Snickers: Of all the candy bars to base a Blizzard on, Snickers is pretty basic. Pretty very basic. Call me when someone has the stones to give us a Whatchamacalit Blizzard.
19. Chocolate Xtreme: The following five entries comprise the chocolate-intensive segment of Blizzard flavordom. They all sound delicious, as anything with "chocolate" or "fudge" in the name does. But they're all some variation on the same theme: brownie pieces and chocolate syrup. Don't be fooled. And it should be illegal to use "Xtreme" in 2014.
18. Midnight Truffle: Truffles are for Whitman's samplers.
17. Turtle Pecan Cluster: As are pecan clusters.
16. Georgia Mud Fudge: This one throws some pecan into your brownie chunks, but it also spits on the good name of Mississippi Mud Pie for no good reason.
15. Double Fudge Cookie Dough: Getting better, but there is such a thing as overloading your Blizzard. Cookie dough is perfect as it is. Don't over-chocolate things. You're an adult now.
14. Banana Split: Back to the banana again, not to mention pineapple, but history has proved that those two contentious fruits are best paired with strawberries and some whipped cream. Still: have you ever ordered a banana split in your life? Have you ever known anyone else who has? When there was any other option on the menu?
13. French Silk Pie: This one gets a leg up on the other chocolate-heavy desserts by virtue of the "crunchy pie crust" pieces, which I'm pretty sure are just crushed up Nilla wafers, because actual pie crust probably could not stand up to immersion in soft-serve due to science. Whatever it really is, it's delicious.
12. M&Ms: Nothing has done more to damage the stature of the M&M blizzard than the McFlurry. Now it just seems ... common.
11. Oreo: Ditto about the McFlurry.
10. Strawberry Cheesecake: We'll allow that cheesecake may not be for everyone, but it's for everyone who counts. The lightness of the fruit flavoring helps your brain better process the fact that you added heavy cream-cheese chunks to your ice cream.
9. Butterfinger: See how far down Butterfinger has to look to spot Snickers at the bottom of this list? Oh, Butterfinger has a good laugh about that one every now and then at the end of a long day as it pours itself a glass of red wine ... and maybe a second.
8. Choco Cherry Love: This is the best of DQ's fruit/chocolate blends. In this case, it's cherries blended with "rich choco chunks," which I'm pretty sure are wads of the same stuff the chocolate-dipped cones are dipped into. Whatever it is, it's amazing.
7. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Now that you know about the Double Fudge Cookie Dough flavor, eating a plain old Cookie Dough Blizzard is basically like being on a diet.
6. Banana Cream Pie*: Again, pie-based Blizzards are fantastic, as stated above. This one can easily stand in for other seasonal pie flavors, such as the Pumpkin Pie Blizzard, and the insanely superior Lemon Meringue Pie Blizzard.
5. Heath Bar: Oh, Snickers, seriously? Honestly, good for you for even showing up. Way to hold your head high. Don't even listen to what literally everybody else is saying.
4. Oreo Cheesecake: I had one today. I was not mad about it.
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: Looking at the menu, it is shocking that there aren't more peanut-butter based Blizzards on the menu, you're right.
2. Chips Ahoy*: This is the current Blizzard of the Month, so feel free to exempt it from these rankings if you feel like permanence is the more pressing virtue. The rest of us will be enjoying our Chips Ahoy Blizzards and discussing why corporate, processed, supermarket cookies hold up so much better to Blizzardification.
1. Mint Oreo: As green as absinthe and twice as intoxicating. Next time you feel like ordering a Shamrock Shake, slap yourself, realize that Oreos make everything better, and get a damn Blizzard.