Steve Sailer wrote July 24, 2005: “Mickey Kaus called Luke the “human Echelon Project, for the prodigious amount of interviewing and transcribing he does of who’s saying what around LA. Luke even interviewed me. But the bonus reason for reading Luke’s blog is so you can then read the libelously hilarious “Luke Ford Fan Blog.”
From the Luke Ford Fan Blog archives:
February 6, 2004:
Outrageous! It’s hard to believe that these sorts of things still happen in America in the year 2004. But obviously they do. Luke Ford, moral leader, scholar, memoirist, raconteur, and all-around colossus of the blogosphere, was the victim of an outrageous act of discrimination last Saturday: he was prevented from being a panelist at the American Cinema Foundation’s roundtable discussion on blogging and the news and entertainment media.
Cathy Seipp, the event’s moderator and prime mover, told Luke that the decision to exclude him was based purely on merit, that he, the Internet’s premiere vanity blogger, simply wasn’t good enough to sit alongside Los Angeles’ leading bloggers. What an utterly implausible argument, especially as it comes only days after Luke’s recent “triumphant” stint as a guest blogger on Protocols (see below), which has led to upcoming guest blogging assignments on LA Observed, Instapundit, Kausfiles, and NYTimes.com. Yet somehow this in-demand blogger was cruelly rejected.
Let’s compare Luke Ford’s credentials against those of the actual panelists to see if any sensible person could possibly justify this outrageous snub:
• Luke Ford is a published author of a scholarly monograph (and will soon release his second book, an absorbing autobiography of his fascinating life). How many of the panelists have produced scholarly monographs? Nil. (Roger L. Simon is the author of detective novels, but these will hardly be mistaken for Luke’s treatise, which Publisher’s Weekly lauded as “rambling,” “contradictory,” and “offensive.” To the best of my knowledge none of the rest have nary a book credit between them.)
• Luke Ford was recently the subject of a major study on Internet celebrity by a team of leading researchers at Stanford University. How many of the panelists have also been studied by scholars at a prestigious (or for that matter non-prestigious) university? Nil.
• Luke Ford is the beloved moral leader to millions of lost souls across the blogosphere — poor, pathetic, snivelling losers in need of guidance because they are too stupid or lazy to think for themselves. How many of the panelists are so blessed? How many even go to church or synagogue on a regular basis? Nil.
• And most significantly, Luke Ford has a non-ironical fan blog. How many of the panelists have a fan blog? Nil. (The only other moral leader of Luke Ford’s stature with a fan blog is Michael Medved. But Medved, although a superb intellectual and moral leader in his own right, is not a blogger. Besides his fan blog is something of a joke, I think, although I have a rather childish sense of humour and I’m not very good at determining these things.)
I submit to you, my dear readers and fellow Fordophiles, that the evidence that our moral leader has been wronged is overwhelming. It is persuasive. It is irrefutable. Orthodox Jew Luke Ford is the victim of anti-religious discrimination! He is the Rosa Parks of the blogosphere! Just as Parks was denied a seat on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama in 1955 for no reason other than her race, Luke was denied a seat on the panel of the American Cinema Foundation’s discussion on blogging for no reason other than his faith. Outrageous!
(I suppose that there is another possible explanation for Luke Ford’s exclusion: jealously. It wasn’t long ago that Luke was named one of Los Angeles’ ten best bloggers. Who was notably absent from that list? None other than Cathy Seipp — the same Cathy Seipp who placed herself on the panel of leading LA bloggers! You may recall that at the time I wrote how painful this must have been for Cathy. Perhaps she still hasn’t gotten over the humiliation? And yet I have rejected this explanation because, well, frankly I don’t think that you can sue a person for jealousy, and I’m hoping to be called as an expert witness at the upcoming Luke Ford anti-discrimination trial where I will finally meet my moral leader in person — I just hope I don’t faint in his presence like I did when I saw Clay Aiken during the Seattle stop of the American Idol tour last fall. Boy, was that embarrassing!)
To be fair, I should point out that Luke was allowed to ask one question from the floor during the political segment of last Saturday’s event. Yet even here Cathy Seipp, according to published accounts, snorted her disapproval. I’m of the opinion that Luke’s question simply reaffirms the argument that he belonged on the panel. Please judge for yourself. Mr. Ford waved his hand and when called upon politely asked:
“I want to know if blogging has ever gotten the panelists —-?”
Notice the complete absence of a rambling introductory sentence. His question was concise, relevant, and to the point. I must admit, however, that I’m a little unclear as to the hidden word. I blame myself for this as I’m not very good at word games and I can’t make out this four letter word. All I know is that it was about politics, blogging and thus on-topic. If someone knows, please contact me at lukefordfanblog@yahoo.com. Thanks.)
UPDATE: That rat bastard! I have just been informed what the missing word was. Luke Ford stood up at the American Cinema Foundation and shamelessly asked: “I want to know if blogging has ever gotten the panelists laid?”
I feel sick. I would like to apologise unreservedly for all those I have unjustly criticised, especially Cathy Seipp. It’s no wonder Luke wasn’t allowed on the panel. Just think of the havoc he would have caused with his outrageous behaviour. In fact, I’m shocked that Cathy even took his question from the floor. I’m surprised that he was allowed to purchase two tickets for the event: one for himself and, Luke being ever the optimist, one for a nonexistent date. I’m shocked that he is even allowed out of the house, er, hovel. It’s one thing to be obnoxious in a private situation with his friends (assuming he has any left), but in a public place! What on earth was Horrid Boy thinking? The only thing I can come up with was that he was so excited to see Shiksababe Moxie in person that he forgot to take his lithium tablets.
April 1, 2004:
The Dog Ate My Homework
This is an embarrassing story, but it has to be told.
So I was planning to interview Mr. Luke Ford about religion and sundry topics. I’ve only recently become interested in such matters, whereas Luke knows more about religion than anyone I know. (Not that I actually know Luke. [I only pretend to know Luke.] {But he still knows more about religion than all the other people I pretend to know.}])
With his many years of religious study and his supreme natural intelligence (185 IQ), Luke is a very intimidating figure, indeed. What if I ask him a foolish question? What if I unwittingly say something offensive? Suffice to say I was frightened.
I set to work studying religion (Judaism and Christianity) and philosophy. Due to my Internet use-induced limited attention span, I no longer have the patience to read books (or even long articles). I still buy books mind you, but I just page through them and put them in boxes with thousands of other books I’ve bought but never actually read. I can, however, listen to books (and lectures) on my MP3 player as I go for walkabouts. I do this a lot.
A few weeks ago I took a “geek test,” suggested by Jackie D. (of Ohio by way of London), that included the question: Do you listen to books on tape? “YES!” I answered not realizing that this made me a dork. I’m a dork² when you consider that I like to listen to my books and lectures on walkabouts AS I TAKE NOTES! It is just a matter of time before some neighbourhood toughs beat me senseless with hockey sticks as I walk down the street listening to a lecture on neo-Platonism, stopping to take notes every 15 seconds. I must look absolutely gormless.
Recently I was listening to a lecture on Maimonides and it started to rain. I put my notepad in my pocket forgetting to zip it up. When I got home my notepad was soaked through. All the ink had run. My many thousand notes, my many weeks of homework, were all for not.
How can I come up with probing questions to ask Luke about religion and sundry topics without my notes? Alas I cannot. I must go back and re-listen to all my lectures.
This unfortunate event happened a couple of weeks ago. I have been so emotionally devastated by the loss of my notes (not to mention my fear that the G-d of the Jews doesn’t want me asking Luke difficult philosophically-informed questions that might lessen his faith) that I have been unable to return to my research. G-d willing, I shall try again tomorrow.
May 21, 2004:
Book Review
XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul
Luke Ford (2004)
Self-published by Horrid Boy Press, Beverly Hills, California, 90210
Luke Ford’s memoir of his time as a porn journalist begins with an attack upon our moral leader by a troglodyte named Mike Albo. Luke’s head is smashed “repeatedly” against a light pole causing severe brain damage. Thank goodness Luke survived, otherwise there would be no autobiography for his fans and followers to study and savour. At least that’s what I thought before I actually started reading “XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul.” After plowing through all 67,000+ words (consisting mostly of cut and pasted emails, transcribed phone conversations and IM sessions with various pornographers, adult film stars, and Orthodox rabbis) my view is somewhat less enthusiastic. But first a little background.
I would be lying if I said that I had no knowledge of Luke’s “old” life before I started my fan blog late last year. My earliest memory of Luke Ford was an appearance with sexologist Bob Berkowitz on eYada.com, a defunct Internet radio station, back in 2001. Luke, speaking in the soft voice of a very naughty boy caught in the act, was in full self-flagellation mode over his dual existence as a porn reporter/critic and deeply religious orthodox Jewish convert. Although Luke’s version of this conversation differs from mine (I don’t recall Berkowitz being nearly as judgmental as Luke suggests in his memoir), his appearance left an impression on me. I recall checking out LF.com, but not being particularly interested in how the porn sausage is made, I soon drifted away and almost completely forgot about Luke Ford.
A couple of years ago I became interested in the writings of James C. Bennett, a UPI columnist and theorist of the Anglosphere. Looking around UPI’s website I found another columnist, Cathy Seipp, who wrote mostly about cultural matters from a centre-right perspective. There aren’t many conservative female commentators and I was intrigued. When UPI stopped offering its content online for free, I searched Cathy Seipp’s name to see if there was another way to read her weekly column. I discovered that she had a blog and through Cathy’s World I was reacquainted, much to my surprise, with Luke. I wondered, why would a highly-respected journalist like Cathy Seipp be carrying on with an enfant terrible like Luke Ford?
Unfortunately there is no answer to this question in Luke’s new autobiography “XXX-Communicated.” (I assume that the explanation behind their tempestuous on-again, off-again romance lies in the power of love — or at least good sex — to overwhelm a woman’s commonsense.) Instead the reader is treated to a steady stream of disjointed anecdotes about some of the most revolting human beings on the planet. It makes for a rather depressing study of what the human male is capable of when freed from divinely-inspired moral guidance, at least that is what Luke Ford would have his readers believe.
Luke defined the aim of his porn research in highminded terms: “I’ll penetrate the most religiously-challenged corner of modernity with my newly-acquired Jewish conscience and come out the other side with insights into the human condition.” This sounds reasonable. What is less reasonable is how Luke goes about doing this: i.e., by making and acting in his own adult film titled, quite inappropriately, “What Women Want.”
After somehow managing to raise the necessary funds, Luke shoots his video:
For the introduction to my epic, I have Kimberly [Kummings star of the Christmas special celebrating the birth of the baby Lord Jesus called “Oh Cum On Ye Faces”] get down on her knees in front of me and the camera while I deliver my lines based on Dennis Prager’s teachings.
I’m no expert, of course, but one has to wonder about the sanity of a man who thinks that porn consumers want to watch a video featuring the director prattling on about Dennis Prager’s (a conservative Jewish theologian) views on male-female relations. Talk about a mood killer. And indeed, the market for a Prager-informed group sex (one woman and five men) video failed to materialize, much to Luke’s surprise and disappointment: “[D]istributors return the movie by the case … I end up giving away copies to my friends at my Reform temple.” The rest of Luke’s autobiography confirms his otherworldly mental state.
In chapter 3 we are introduced to the bizarro world of porn journalism. It’s not a happy place. Luke feuds with his fellow writers, people he apparently finds compelling but most readers, I suspect, will find merely stupid and boring. Mark Kernes, of the Adult Video News, is described as “old and ugly … he looks out at the world with beady, suspicious, pig-like eyes, squinting between jowels [sic] of fat.” Luke wasn’t very popular with his colleagues.
Even at this early point, Luke’s memoir is largely a cut and paste affair. Unable to shape his material into a coherent whole made up of persuasively argued parts, Luke relies instead on recycling passages from his diary. For example, as part of his “research” Luke visits fifty-something porn queen Kitten Natividad:
Aware of Kitten’s voracious appetite for young men, I open the back of my 1982 one-ton Dodge van and dig under the mattress and pillows for a pack of condoms. I pull out two, put them in my pocket, and walk to her apartment.
[…]
I ask Kitten about her breasts. She raises her top and shows them to me. They’re huge … I fondle her bosom. If she were any other old woman, I wouldn’t touch her. But Kitten’s a star and this is an experience I’ll write about in a book one day.”
Scholars, like Luke, call this field work, I think.
Kitten gives me a big long hug. We fall to the wood floor, drop our clothes, and roll into the missionary position. I slide on my rubber and slide into her. “Put your fingers up my ass,” she commands.
Excruciating details follow. Luke’s telling of his sexual encounter with Kitten Natividad has the fingerprints of his editor, Cathy Seipp, all over it. One can easily imagine the bawdy Miss Seipp, sitting next to Luke as they go over his manuscript, saying “don’t forget the bum reference. That’s the kind of writing readers expect these days. I give it too them and you should, too.”
Luke cuts quite a path through the porn community, having sex with porn stars while moralizing about the evils of promiscuity. Not surprisingly, enemies are made all over the San Fernando Valley. Luke’s biggest foe is a gentleman named Mike Albo of Hustler magazine’s “Erotic Video Guide”:
You are a total moron. You are an idiot. You are a loser. I’ve been hearing about all your Internet activities. You’re a fucking goofball. You just better hope that we don’t meet up because it’s not going to be a pretty situation. Judging from the yarmulke you wear on your pointy little pinhead, you must be a religious man. If I were you, I would pray that you don’t run into me.
[…]
You fucking faggot, I just want to let you know that I’m going to kill you. You’re a real dickhead. I don’t know how you think that there’s going to be no consequences for the shit that you do. But there is, big time. And I’m going to love being one of the people that delivers it to you, pal.
Luke’s research not only angers the porn community, it also causes his religious friends to shake their heads in disbelief. Even Dennis Prager, Luke’s Jewish father figure, abandons him:
Since I have allegedly played such a positive role in your life, I would assume good works would flow — especially toward me — from you. Apparently my influence has been nil except in the most superficial sense. I truly am curious — does it bother you how you have alienated me?
But Luke carries on undeterred, convinced that by exposing the porn industry’s negligence over AIDS he is saving lives.
Page after page follows of Luke’s relentless anti-porn muckraking and the widespread animosity that results. It’s depressing fare, but the occasional amusing anecdote breaks the tedium. For instance, one day at the drug store:
A middle-aged woman approaches me. “I’m getting a special feeling about you,” she says and hands me her card. She’s a psychic. “You should come see me soon. I’ll give you a special rate.”
Coupon-clipper Luke isn’t one to pass up a bargain:
I have my tarot cards read ($30) and they seem to unveil my life. Moved, I pour out my problems.
A believer, I now visit the gypsy regularly. On her instructions, I buy candles from her for $100 each and exotic spices ($200) that I mix with water and pour over myself in the shower before leaving for synagogue Sabbath morning.
I buy crystals ($150) from her that I grasp in my hand every day when I dream about what I want. I buy a charm ($100) to put in my pillow.
[…]
After spending $1200, receiving no further improvements in my lot, I give up on the psychic.
What a shame. At least Luke, unlike all the psychic’s other customers, got the “special rate.”
Mostly though the book chronicles Luke’s immersion in the world of porn and his rapid moral, physical, and psychological decline. As a sign of his deterioration, Chaim Amalek, one of Luke’s many “personalities,” appears. As the book becomes more introspective it also becomes more interesting (and creepy).
Near the end of his memoir, Luke visits Israel in an attempt to find himself. Just as he begins to experience a measure of healing and happiness the book abruptly stops. The reader is left with more questions than answers.
I hope I’m not leaving the impression that “XXX-Communicated” is more coherent than it really is. In truth, it’s a bit of an organizational mess. Although the memoir develops mostly along chronological lines, every so often Luke throws in a thematic chapter. For example, chapter seven is purportedly about race. But Luke doesn’t do essays. And it shows. The chapter is a hodgepodge of personal reflections (on his sexual conquests of black women), intemperate observations about race and pornography, and relentless questioning of black male actors about their penises (size, blood flow, etc.), a topic about which Luke is oddly fascinated. For all his scholarly pretensions, Luke obviously hasn’t spent nearly as much time in the stacks as he has out in the field. The seminal work on this subject is the late Calvin Hernton’s 1965 book “Sex and Racism in America,” which is still strikingly relevant today. But Luke isn’t interested. In fact, he quickly loses interest in the topic altogether and instead offers off-topic profiles of white performers, including “good friend” Kendra Jade.
We learn an awful lot about porn journalists like Mike Albo in Luke’s memoir, so much so it almost reads like the unauthorized Mike Albo story, but nothing about the people who are important in Luke’s life today, most especially real journalist Cathy Seipp. How did Luke meet Cathy? What was her initial impression of him? Was it love at first sight? How many dates did it take before she got lucky and intimately experienced the self-proclaimed “Deon Sanders Of Lovers” in action? On average how many times per day did they have sex? Five times? Ten? More? Perhaps this more recent phase of Luke Ford’s life will be explored in volume two of “XXX-Communicated: When Luke Met Cathy.” In the meantime, I can’t recommend volume one of our moral leader’s life story to any but Luke’s most dedicated fans and friends.
Overall Grade: B+
Strengthens: Amusing in places; some psychological insight into what makes Horrid Boy tick
Weaknesses: Choppy writing; poor organization; general incoherence
May 25, 2004:
Feel the Love!
One of the cool things about being a Luke Ford fan is that I’m part of a very exclusive club. In fact, beside myself, Cecile DuBois and Cathy Seipp, I can’t think of another fan club member. This is why I have the shortest blogroll in the blogosphere. I suspect that it will soon get shorter still. Cecile is clearly going through her Luke Ford phase — you know how moody teenagers are. Now that N’Sync are getting back together, I wouldn’t be surprised if the life-sized Luke Ford posters come down from her bedroom walls to be replaced with more age-appropriate fare.
It’s not just that almost no-one likes Luke Ford. More interesting is the intense loathing that he provokes in otherwise tolerant, caring, and reasonable people. I’ve seen this in my own social circle. All I have to do is mention his name and my usually placid Canadian friends become enraged. Fearing for my life, I don’t mention that I’m the author of his #1 (and only) fan site.
Substantiating evidence is hardly lacking, but here is a small selection of reader comments from the Protocols website during Luke’s short stint as a guest blogger:
When are you leaving Protocols?
Luke, I don’t understand, is this some sort of sociological experiment on your part? … We can’t take much more, and it has only been one day.
stop! please! no more!
why is this person tolerated on this site? He’s offensive!
I’m not sure what the point was of having you as a guest blogger. You seem to have taken over Protocols — where are the usual contributers? … Have you ever considered trying to look at life from other people’s points of view, and not purely your own?
This man is a sicko
Luke, in essence, is an asshole.
What has happened to Protocols this last week. Amzing [sic] how one guest blogger can ruin this formerly thoughtful, sophisticated meditation. I used to look to Protocols every day … Now I grimace at the immuturity, unbridled anger & hatred (self hatred?) and general creepiness.
goodbye. I’ve had enough
This site has hit an all time new low
When is your stint as a guest blogger over?
Aren’t you supposed to be gone by now?
Oh Crap!!!! You again, Ford? Dammit, can’t you just GO AWAY
Luke, you’ve violated us all by imposing your sick self upon us and by misrepresenting yourself as a frum jew when really you’re a very very sick man.
That’s it. I’m not looking at Protocols again until the week is over. More time to check out other blogs now, or rearrange my sock drawer.
I think I am beginning to understand why LA, rather some of it’s self-absorbed residents are so hated.
we dont like when a person who isnt too intelligent, funny, clever, or interesting posts non stop on a blog that used to be informative and entertaining.
Your posts are so long and boring its unbelievable. Never before have I seen someone write so much and say so little. Please stop. Now.
i can almost guarantee that this luke is one weird creepy freak in real life.
Don’t try to stuff your religious position down everyone’s throught. (God, you are worse than Prager.)
You are a very sick person … I do not accept you as a fellow Jew. You were converted under false pretenses, and you have failed to live up to even the most basic standards of what it means to be a frum Jew. We didn’t ask you to join, but we’re now asking you to leave.
I don’t find your satire funny … you come across here as a bigot
Luke – You are the worst kind of white jewish trash.
I truly hope to never see you on this blog again!
your endless posts felt like the guy who shows up at a dinner party and won’t stop talking, interrupting, pontificating until all that remain in the room are him and his exhausted hosts.
leave these poor people and their blog alone!!!
How about writing about something other than your narscistic little world. Other than your friends, and your personal predilications?
this page has gone to hell
The bottom line is, he’s a sensationalist jerk. Regardless if people call him bad names. What’s his deal? When is his guest-blogging stint done? I want to know because if this goes on much longer, I’m going to remove the Protocols link from my blog.
Personal insults aside, the problem with Luke Ford – or, shall we say, one of the more serious problems – is that he uses very provocative language but his meaning is never clear. What is satire and what is not? Is he trying to convey a point, or simply to upset people? He certainly has succeeded at the latter.
I want to put the link back up on my blog, but I have to wait until he stops posting.
Most people simply hated the interminable, self-referential posts, many of which were copied verbatim from his personal blog, some from as much as two or three years ago.
Get Luke off of here!
Luke – From reading your posts the past few days, I’ve come to one conclusion – you’re one strange dude.
Soon, soon it will be over.
go away Luke
SHUT UP NOW!!!!
This luke individual is a truly horrible read. Truly horrible. Too horrible even to be fun-horrible. F— your awful blogging, Luke, and go write something else.
Hey Luke mate! I don’t bloody understand why you insist on writing about nothing but rubbish on this blog.
You have such a hard-on for that windbag Dennis Prager. You guys both deserve each other and I wish you’d stick to what you both do best pontificate about religion and morality, rather than pretend to be experts on the Middle East.
I am encouraging all readers of Protocols to call Luke Ford at home. Number available through anywho.com
WTF is going on here? I’ve landed in planet WTF.
I’m confused. I thought this was a religious site, not a sex blog.
you are a sick man
I would say this site has turned into pure garbage
Luke, you are truly dumber than I thought.
speaking on behalf of the Protocols readership, its time that you stopped posting altogether. Instead of spending your time posting this stupidity, why don’t you go and talk to a psychiatrist
When did this site become the new lukeford.com?
How much longer, Lord, how much longer?
Luke, you are one big sicko. Get lost and get some help.
Luke, I am assuming that this is another one of your pathetic ironical little test(e)s. Get a life
I am really losing intest in this blog. Is the point now solely to shock, I thought that is what Maddona is for. I don’t get this or most of your comments, this is really just getting old.
I too am getting very sick of this blog and I am fed up with LukeFord making Protocols his own little freak show.
Luke, we don’t like you and we don’t like your B.S. attention grabbing announcements. Please find some other blog to ruin.
Yeah. Get rid of LukeFord. Give us back the old protocols
I need some Midol. Anyone here got some?
OK, damn Luke, this is too much!
YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luke Ford, you are a moron.
someone wake me up when lukeford is no longer posting.
END THIS MADNESS!!!!
Still making friends wherever you go, I see, Luke.
This is getting painful.
Luke Ford makes me ashamed to be Jewish.
Lukeford, do you have a life? What happened to Protocols? Farewell, I’m getting bored to tears
This is too much. Shut up and go away!
luke ford, go away.
This site has hit an all time new low
You love to push your limits and see just how far you can go … you really have to sit down, listen and learn from some good mussar shmusses from a good rabbi and live your life by the credo “do unto others as YOU WANT THEM TO DO UNTO YOU”.
Luke, yuck, your posts stink
Get rid of lukeford, bring back protocols. Protocols is my cup of coffee every day and now this sludge all week long. Help!
Get this long-winded pervert off the site and bring back the type of bloging that made protocols interesting
Enough Already!
When is this jerk’s turn as guest blogger over?
Give Protocols back to those that can write, (not u Luke)
this really sucks. likeford trying to promote lukeford all the time. what fun. cant imagine it sucking any more
what the hell is going on around here?
Dude, get a life. Your posts are way too long and boring. One post about a subject is enough, we don’t need 5 of them!
We miss the days when Protocols was pithy and interesting.
Why is this guest blogger so obsessed with sex?
this guy is really freaking me out
Is this another one of your “satires”?
This Ford is an absolute ghoul.
Most of these guest bloggers have been awful. There is no question that this one takes the cake. Its so highly irritating and not interesting.
grow up, this was a serious blog once upon a time
If any of us were interested ONLY in you, we’d go to your blog, Luke.
I can be the first to say Goodbye and Good Riddance. You succeeded in making the last 7 days feel like 7 years. Perhaps now you can spend more time with your therapist, trying to figure out why you are so dedicated to antagonizing others.
Luke Ford responds to his critics:
Thanks. You love me. You really love me.
Luke isn’t delusional. He genuinely loves/needs to be criticized. I often wondered why he didn’t tell me to stop posting nasty material on my fan blog. Just the opposite: no matter how awful my entries, Luke would request that I post more often and write even meaner stuff. Apparently this is Luke’s MO with everyone. According to his memoir, an ex-girlfriend once said to Luke:
I have criticized you up one end and down the other and it’s wonderful. It’s the most fulfilling thing in the world because you don’t defend it. You don’t fight it. You don’t get angry. You just take it. And for people who don’t like conflict such as myself, it’s a beautiful thing.
Luke Ford is the ultimate human punching bag. This is why we — fans and critics alike — need him. What does this say about us?
June 16, 2004:
Dear Mr. Ford:
Hello.
How are you doing?
I’m doing fine.
Are you a crazy person?
I ask because I explicitly told you not to do something, and not only did you turn around and do exactly the opposite of what I so nicely requested for you not to do, but you did it twice! You seem to have an odd (pathological?) need to cross people so they will dislike (hate?) you.
Keeping with the spirit of my new “G” rated blog, I will take the high road, turn the other cheek, and not give you the pleasure of being the object of my justified anger.
Good day, Mr. Ford.
The Producers
Luke Ford has a new book coming out titled The Producers: Profiles in Frustration. It consists of a series of interviews Luke conducted with 68 “major” Hollywood players.
I expect this will be Luke’s most successful book to date (which, truth be told, isn’t saying much). Luke is no essayist (duh!), but he can blog (if you ignore the fact that he has recently taken over Protocols and gone bonkers with 20 odd post per day, most of which are inane drivel). But Luke’s real talent (to extent he has any talent — real or imagined) is in interviewing people (so long as he can find the self-discipline not to ask his subjects grossly inappropriate sexual questions). Assuming that Luke (or his editor) kept the questions on-topic, The Producers should be much better received than A History of X: 100 Years of Sex in Film. (I challenge anyone to find a book given poorer reviews on Amazon.com than A History of X.) I say this because judging from the proofs it appears that there is very little of Luke in the book (which for anyone who waded through Luke’s sordid autobiography, like I reluctantly did, knows very well is a good thing — a very good thing, indeed).
That being said, I will not buy The Producers. I’m afraid the subject matter doesn’t interest me. The love affair many Americans have with Hollywood leaves me cold. What I would like to see from Luke is a book very much like The Producers, but with interviews of significant religious figures, theologians, clergy, rabbis, philosophers, and ordinary people discussing faith in the modern world. I’m especially interested in the relationship between religion and reason, both the challenge to belief from philosophy (beginning with Spinoza) and more especially historical research and comparative religious studies over the past 100 or so years. How do contemporary Jews and Christians defend their beliefs against all that we now know about Ancient Near East mythology? This historical knowledge would seem to fundamentally undermine the idea that Judaism and Christianity have unique claims to be “true” religions. Such a topic interests me far more than Luke asking questions such as: “Do you think girls are icky?”
Gentleman Blogger
Luke Ford is back on Protocols for a third (and seemingly permanent) stint as a “guest” blogger. The reader response is mixed, a vast improvement over the violent reaction to stints one and two. Perhaps people just need to get to know Our Moral Leader a little bit before coming to appreciate his brilliance. Or perhaps not. Luke does have some rather determined critics. For example, Shlomo writes: “Two weeks after your guest blogging was supposed to end, you’re still posting mindless and inappropriate trash that nobody with a mind less perverted than yours would be interested in reading. Get off this site, Lukeford. You’re not wanted!”
I can honestly say that Luke Ford has never written anything that I’ve found (too) offensive. This, apparently, puts me in the distinct minority. It certainly isn’t the case that I’m hard to offend. In fact, I’m offended all the time. For example, I just checked out Jamye Waxman’s blog.
I remember Jamye from eYada.com, an Internet radio station that went out of business during the dotcom crash of 2001. Jamye produced, and sometimes hosted, sexologist Bob Berkowitz’s show, which featured regular guest Luke Ford. But I seldom listened to the Bob Berkowitz show because I found it offensive. Instead, I mostly remember Jamye from the inoffensive Chaunce Hayden Show, which she also produced. Jamye spent much of her time searching the eYada closet for the official ___ bucket, the show’s main prop. I don’t think that I’ll ever get out of my head Chaunce constantly yelling, “Jamye, get the bucket! We’re going to need it for our next guest.” Yet I was never offended.
Chaunce Hayden was a talented radio host, but Jamye Waxman was the star of the show: a feminine presence and voice of reason. And when I say voice, I mean Jamye had the sexiest voice in the history of radio (perhaps in the history of all womankind). So I was thrilled to follow a link kindly provided by Luke on Protocols to Jamye’s blog. It didn’t take me long (less than 2 seconds) to be offended.
Since my blog is now “G” rated, I can neither link to the site nor detail the parts that upset me most. (Although I might be able to slip in Jamye’s statement: ‘[I’m going] to make up a number of shirts that say Vote Kerry and wear them tight, right on my ____ …”) To be fair, Jamye’s blog isn’t all sexual politics. There is a moving story about a woman who needed 50 cents for the subway, and Jamye almost has a kind word for the grieving Nancy Reagan.
Rebecca Schoenkopf, Commie Girl from the OC Weekly, also mentions Nancy Reagan, in passing, in her latest column. Rebecca is a woman I met thanks to Luke Ford. (One of the benefits of knowing Luke is that he goes through a lot of women and it’s sometimes possible to hook up with his hand-me-downs.) Rebecca was briefly Luke’s girlfriend, and when I say briefly I mean their love affair lasted for part of one phone conversation, which is about how long Luke’s charms work on the average woman.
Not that Rebecca is average in any other way. She is a very sweet girl — when she puts her mind to it. But she is also something of a conspiracy theorist. Consider, for example, Rebecca on Ronald Reagan’s alleged traitorous dealings with the Ayatollah Khomeini:
He made a secret agreement with the Ayatollah. Do you have any idea what that means? While Ted Koppel was going on Nightline every night to somberly update us on the hostage crisis — 53 Americans held in Iran … Ronald Reagan sent William Casey to promise arms to Iran … if they would keep the hostages until after the election.
Good grief. Apparently they no longer teach critical thinking skills at NYU. By the way, how old was Rebecca Schoenkopf during the Iranian hostage crisis? Six! And how many six year olds in 1980 stayed up on a pre-school night to watch Nightline at 11:30 pm? My point exactly! Where did Rebecca get her understanding of the Reagan years from? It certainly wasn’t from personal experience. I detect the influence of unreconstructed Marxist historian Howard Zinn. How else to explain this passage from Orange County’s beloved Commie Girl:
Ronald Reagan was not a good man. He was not a beacon of optimism and hope. He was an embarrassment … he was a pathological liar … he joked about bombing the USSR on radio … and, perhaps most unforgivably, he declared a war on the poor in place of the war on poverty … He turned our noblest compassion — made concrete by FDR and … the Johnson administration — upside-down until we were calling poor women with children lazy and stupid and spitting with anger that they would dare need our help.
Ronald Reagan was a good man. Nobody who knew him personally disliked him. He was a beacon of optimism and hope to Natan Sharansky and others in the Soviet Gulag. He was a leader to admire. He was pathologically lied about by leftists. He courageously called the USSR an “evil empire,” leading to days of derisive editorials and opinion columns in the New York Times, the same newspaper that published Walter Duranty’s propaganda denying the facts about Stalin’s forced collectivization which killed 7 million Soviet peasants. I could go on, point-by-point, but I actually like Rebecca (a lot).
Here is a list of some other things that offend me: the BBC, the CBC, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, PBS, NPR, Air America, the NY Times, the LA Times, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Vancouver Sun, the Guardian, the Independent (which is even worse than the Guardian), Slate, Salon, Noam Chomsky (America’s oldest teenager), Michael Moore, Amy-Jill Levine (an Orthodox Jew who teaches New Testament Studies at Vanderbilt University Divinity School [!]), and every university in the English-speaking world, save for Hillsdale College and maybe BYU.
A couple of weeks ago I visited my old university and wandered around campus, thinking about the “good” old days. I walked past the quad where I, along with thousands of other useless idiots, protested against Gulf War I. I couldn’t help but look at the bulletin boards outside the offices of my old profs. Professor after professor had posted offensive cartoons and political signs, in some cases covering their entire doors, expressing their hatred for Bush the Moron and Sharon the Nazi. Every cartoon and political banner — without exception — expressed the politics of the hard left. I hoped that when I got to the Germanic Studies department things might change, if only in the interest of good taste and historical shame. But no. Imagine the moral absurdity of Germanic Studies professors labeling the American president a fascist! How childish and unprofessional. Think of a young student, say Cecile DuBois, visiting her professor to talk about an assignment and having to walk past this material.
Which brings me back to Luke Ford. Perhaps in person he is the most obnoxious chap imaginable (I doubt it), but as a writer is he anywhere near as offensive as your average Germanic Studies professor? Hardly. Yes, Luke does write provocatively at times. Okay, pretty much all the time. But you have to keep in mind that Luke is a serial exaggerator. He likes to take a serious point and exaggerate it to absurd proportions for attention-seeking effect. If you realize this, and are willing to do a little bit of de-exaggerating as you read along, you will find that his arguments are actually quite thoughtful.
And yes, Luke does, occasionally, write about his sex life in somewhat explicit terms. Certainly, there are few topics more offensive to listen to than men talking about their sex lives. But Luke is never boastful. If anything he seems deeply troubled by the fact that he’s a sexual being. I don’t know why he fusses so much, but I do know that his writings on this and other subjects fail to offend me. Shlomo might not agree, but I think of him as Luke Ford: Gentleman Blogger.
Update: Oh no, Shlomo. I wrote this entry before I checked out Luke’s latest comments on AIDS. Never mind. Move along. Nothing to see here.
June 24, 2004:
XXX Communicated: The “G” Rated Review
Here is an edited version of my review of Luke Ford’s memoir XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul. Some material had to be deleted so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of 15 year old girls who love both Luke Ford and Doris Day.
The published version of XXX-Communicated features multiple blurbs (the best being by hot intellectual babe Heather MacDonald: “A fable for our time. Heart-breaking yet uplifting. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, you’ll study your Torah!”), three forewords, one epilogue, and a revised final chapter, all of which I did not have the opportunity to read in an earlier draft of the manuscript.
The first foreword is by Cathy (not Catherine) Seipp. By using her non-professional name, Miss Seipp is obviously trying to distance herself from Luke, or at least his past. She makes this clear in her opening sentence: “The story you are about to read took place years before Luke Ford met me …” In other words, “don’t confuse me with any of Luke’s XXX-rated girlfriends who appear throughout the book.”
How could a sensible observer make such a mistake? Oh, I don’t know. How about because Cathy tells us that Luke is “handsome,” “beautiful,” “stylish,” and “goo-goo eye[able].” Her lusty infatuation apparently explains why she calls Luke’s appalling p___ video What Women What, “a small masterpiece.” She also calls Luke’s blog “Pinteresque.” I don’t know what this means, but I suspect it is another hormone-induced, over-the-top compliment.
If Luke Ford looked like Ted Kaczynski (and let’s face it, there are more than a few similarities between the two, especially if Luke ever stops using Grecian Formula) there would be a heck of a lot less of this female gushing going on.
Cathy continues: “Some readers (always women …) read his memoir and are moved to tears.” Why? Are these tears of laughter because the book is so disjointed, and they can’t believe that Luke thought it was ready for publication? Or perhaps these are the tears of ex-girlfriends who find that Luke has no sense of privacy and is writing about them and their odd sexual proclivities?
We do find out how Luke and Cathy meet: it was on the way to an orgy. Luke Ford was disguised as a moral leader and Cathy, a Hittite priestess. Cool!
Foreword II is from Dave Deutsch, the world’s worst Jewish comedian, which features more lavish praise. This time with a disturbing homo-erotic vibe.
Foreword III is from the great Mike Albo. (I love that guy!) For a fat, bald, three-pack-a-day smoker, heroin addict, and rageaholic, the ol’ boy sure can write.
Luke has also re-written the final chapter. It is quite touching. If I was a girl, I probably would have cried upon reading that one of Luke’s rabbis called him “the most evil man he ever met.” But I’m not a girl, so I laughed.
Luke goes on: “I want to believe that I have written a good book. I want to believe my story has a point … I want to believe that my story will inspire the reader …”
Hey, I’m just one person but I’ve been inspired. For one thing, I’m going to start using Grecian Formula in the hope that a sexy Hittite priestess will gush all over me. I know it is a long shot. I do not even know where the Hittite part of town is. I’m looking at a map right now. Let’s see, there is Chinatown, Little Italy, Little India, but no friggin’ Little Hittitetown. Where does a nice non-orgy going boy meet a hot Hittite girl these days. I’m not picky. She doesn’t even have to be a priestess.
I’ve also been inspired to study religion, a topic I didn’t take seriously until six months ago. I’m not about to convert to Judaism (I see myself more as a neo-Platonist: spirituality for the sophisticated set) but through my study of Christianity and Judaism, I have come to a sincere appreciation of the moral profundity and intellectual depth of these two great traditions — the received wisdom of thousands of years of learning by trial and error, and rational and mystical thought. Western Civilisation turns its back on this moral and intellectual heritage at its peril.
Book Review
XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul
Luke Ford (2004)
Published by iUniverse Inc.: New York, Lincoln, Shanghai.
Luke Ford’s memoir of his time as a p___ journalist begins with an attack upon our moral leader by a troglodyte named Mike Albo. Luke’s head is smashed “repeatedly” against a light pole causing severe brain damage. Thank goodness Luke survived, otherwise there would be no autobiography for his fans and followers to study and savour. At least that’s what I thought before I actually started reading XXX-Communicated: A Rebel Without a Shul. After plowing through all 67,000+ words (consisting mostly of cut and pasted emails, transcribed phone conversations and IM sessions with various p___ographers, hussies, and Orthodox rabbis) my view is decidedly less positive. But first a little background.
I would be lying if I said that I had no knowledge of Luke’s “old” life before I started my fan blog late last year. My earliest memory of Luke Ford was an appearance in 2001 with sexologist Bob Berkowitz on eYada.com, a defunct Internet radio station. Luke, speaking in the soft voice of a little boy caught in the act of doing something very naughty, was in full self-flagellation mode over his dual existence as a p___ reporter/critic and deeply religious Orthodox Jew. Although Luke’s version of this conversation differs from mine (I don’t recall Berkowitz being nearly as judgmental as Luke suggests in his memoir), his appearance left an impression on me. I recall checking out LF.com, but not being particularly interested in the inside workings of the p___ industry, I soon drifted away and almost completely forgot about Luke Ford.
A couple of years ago I became interested in the writings of James C. Bennett, a UPI columnist and theorist of the Anglosphere. Looking around UPI’s website, I found another columnist, Catherine Seipp, who wrote mostly about cultural matters from a centre-right perspective. There aren’t many conservative female commentators and I was intrigued. When UPI stopped offering its content online for free, I searched Cathy Seipp’s name to see if there was another way to read her weekly column. I discovered that she had a blog and through Cathy’s World I was reacquainted, much to my surprise, with Luke Ford. I wondered, why would a highly-respected journalist like Cathy be carrying on with an enfant terrible like Luke?
Unfortunately there is no answer to this question in Luke’s new autobiography XXX-Communicated. (I assume that the explanation behind their tempestuous on-again, off-again romance lies in the power of love — or at least good [edited] — to overwhelm a woman’s common sense.) Instead the reader is treated to a steady stream of disjointed anecdotes about some of the most unappealing people on the planet. It makes for a rather depressing study of what human beings are capable of when freed from divinely-inspired moral guidance.
Luke defined the aim of his p___ research in high-minded terms: “I’ll penetrate the most religiously-challenged corner of modernity with my newly-acquired Jewish conscience and come out the other side with insights into the human condition.” This sounds reasonable. What is less reasonable is how Luke goes about doing this: by making and acting in his very own p___ video, titled, quite inappropriately, What Women Want.
[This section has been removed to protect the young, the innocent, and those with good taste.]
I’m no expert, of course, but one has to wonder about the sanity of a man who thinks that p___ consumers want to watch a video featuring the producer/director/actor prattling on about Dennis Prager’s (a conservative Jewish theologian) views on male-female relations. Talk about a mood killer. And indeed, the market for a Prager inspired p___ video failed to materialise, much to Luke’s surprise and disappointment: “[D]istributors return the movie by the case … I end up giving away copies to my friends at my Reform temple.”
In chapter 3 we are introduced to the depraved world of p___ journalism. It’s not a happy place. Luke feuds with his fellow writers, people he apparently finds compelling on some level, but most readers, I suspect, will find merely stupid and boring. There is one amusing anecdote. Mark Kernes, of the Adult Video News, is described as “old and ugly … he looks out at the world with beady, suspicious, pig-like eyes, squinting between jowels [sic] of fat.” Luke wasn’t very popular with his colleagues.
Even at this early point, Luke’s memoir is largely a cut and paste affair. Unable to shape his material into a coherent whole made up of persuasively argued parts, Luke relies instead on recycling passages from his personal diary. For example, as part of his “research” Luke visits fifty-something p___ queen Kitten Natividad:
Aware of Kitten’s voracious appetite for young men, I open the back of my 1982 one-ton Dodge van and dig under the mattress and pillows for a pack of condoms. I pull out two, put them in my pocket, and walk to her apartment.
[This part has been deleted in the interest of preventing all those who have shaken hands will Luke Ford over the past six years from developing a mania for hand-washing.]
Luke cuts quite a path through the p___ community, banging p___ stars while moralising about the evils of promiscuous sex. Not surprisingly, enemies are made all over the San Fernando Valley. Luke’s biggest foe is a man named Mike Albo of Hustler magazine’s “Erotic Video Guide”:
You are a total moron. You are an idiot. You are a loser. I’ve been hearing about all your Internet activities. You’re a f___ing goofball. You just better hope that we don’t meet up because it’s not going to be a pretty situation. Judging from the yarmulke you wear on your pointy little pinhead, you must be a religious man. If I were you, I would pray that you don’t run into me.
[…]
You f___ing f__got, I just want to let you know that I’m going to kill you. You’re a real d___head. I don’t know how you think that there’s going to be no consequences for the s___ that you do. But there is, big time. And I’m going to love being one of the people that delivers it to you, pal.
Luke’s research not only angers the p___ community, it also causes his religious friends to shake their heads in disappointment and disbelief. Even Dennis Prager, Luke’s Jewish father figure, abandons him:
Since I have allegedly played such a positive role in your life, I would assume good works would flow –especially toward me — from you. Apparently my influence has been nil except in the most superficial sense. I truly am curious — does it bother you how you have alienated me?
But Luke carries on undeterred, convinced that by exposing the p___ industry’s negligence over AIDS he is saving lives.
Page after page follows of Luke’s relentless anti-p___ muckraking and the animosity that results. It’s depressing fare, but the occasional amusing story breaks the gloom. For instance, one day at the drug store:
A middle-aged woman approaches me. “I’m getting a special feeling about you,” she says and hands me her card. She’s a psychic. “You should come see me soon. I’ll give you a special rate.”
Coupon-clipper Luke isn’t one to pass up a bargain:
I have my tarot cards read ($30) and they seem to unveil my life. Moved, I pour out my problems.
A believer, I now visit the gypsy regularly. On her instructions, I buy candles from her for $100 each and exotic spices ($200) that I mix with water and pour over myself in the shower before leaving for synagogue Sabbath morning.
I buy crystals ($150) from her that I grasp in my hand every day when I dream about what I want. I buy a charm ($100) to put in my pillow.
[…]
After spending $1200, receiving no further improvements in my lot, I give up on the psychic.
What a shame. At least Luke, unlike all the psychic’s other customers, got the “special rate.”
Mostly though the book chronicles Luke’s immersion in the world of p___ and his rapid moral, physical, and psychological decline. As a sign of his deterioration, Chaim Amalek, one of Luke’s many “personalities,” appears. As the book becomes more introspective it also becomes more interesting (and creepy).
Near the end of his memoir, Luke visits Israel in an attempt to find himself. Just as he begins to experience a measure of healing and happiness the book abruptly stops. The reader is left with more questions than answers.
I hope I’m not giving the impression that XXX-Communicated is more coherent than it really is. In truth, it’s a bit of a mess. Although the memoir develops mostly along chronological lines, every so often Luke throws in a thematic chapter. For example, chapter seven is purportedly about race. But Luke doesn’t do essays. And it shows. The chapter is a hodgepodge of personal reflections (on his sexual conquests of elderly black women), intemperate observations about race and p___ography, and relentless questioning of black male actors about their [edited], a topic about which Luke is oddly fascinated. For all his scholarly pretensions, Luke obviously hasn’t spent nearly as much time in the library as he has out in the field. The seminal work on this subject is the late Calvin Hernton’s 1965 book Sex and Racism in America, which is still strikingly relevant today. But Luke isn’t interested. In fact, he quickly loses interest in the topic altogether and instead offers off-topic profiles of white performers, including “good friend” Kendra Jade.
We learn an awful lot about p___ journalists like Mike Albo in Luke’s memoir, so much so it reads in parts like the unauthorised Mike Albo story, but nothing about the people who are important in Luke’s life today, most especially Cathy Seipp, another one of Luke’s “good friends.” How did Luke meet Cathy? What was her initial impression of him? Was it love at first sight? How many dates did it take before she got lucky [edited — I really went too far here. What was I thinking? I’m almost as naughty as Luke.] Perhaps this more recent phase of Luke Ford’s life will be explored in volume two of XXX-Communicated: When Luke Met Cathy.
Overall Grade: B+
Strengthens: Amusing in places; some psychological insight into what makes Horrid Boy tick
Weaknesses: Choppy writing; poor organisation; general incoherence; bad language; adult (18+ years) themes
July 7, 2004:
Book Review
The Producers: Profiles in Frustration
Luke Ford (2004)
iUniverse, Inc.: New York Lincoln Shanghai
Do you ever wonder why Hollywood is so weird? Producer Mark Frost provides an answer in Luke Ford’s new book:
A lot of the people in this business are godless and corrupt. That’s without dispute … Creativity often creates unbalanced people. When you take an unstable personality and add fame and wealth and freedom of movement, you’re going to get amorality … It’s what Martin Amis called, “the moronic inferno side of show business.”
I had mixed feelings about The Producers: Profiles in Frustration. I didn’t think that reading 68 interviews with Hollywood producers would interest me, but I did want to find out how Luke Ford, a genuinely talented interviewer, would handle some of the biggest names in show business.
I don’t know how Luke got these people to talk to him. His charm must work wonders on Hollywood secretaries. Of course, he has had all sorts of practice asking women out and being turned down. Luke knows all about dealing with rejection and getting around an initial “No!” He has been rejected by nineteen year old community college girls all over Southern California for years. At least a mature Hollywood secretary isn’t going to scream: “Get away from me you pudgy middle-age pervert you, or I’ll call the police!”
After reading The Producers, I discovered that Hollywood production is actually a very interesting topic; in fact, I was disappointed when the book came to a close. Yet I still have mixed feelings. Not with the subject matter, but with some of the odd decisions Luke made when putting his book together.
The Producers begins with a series of amusing quotations. The late Edgar Scherick (ABC’s Wide World of Sports) told Luke: “I don’t think your book is going to be too interesting based on these questions you’re asking.” Scherick was wrong. But Al Burton, producer of numerous hit shows, including Diff’rent Strokes and Facts of Life, was right when he said: “I still can’t figure out what the point of your book will be.” After reading all 226,366 words, I’m not sure either.
Perhaps the subtitle is a clue. “Profiles in Frustration” suggests that the book is about the problems Hollywood producers experience when trying to turn a writer’s idea into a finished film or te