NEW RULES
Meghan and her step-terror Hayley were going through a rough patch because she was unwilling to follow through on the heavy lifting required when taking control of a 17 year-old. Because Hayley was unwilling to complete her independent study school homework (YouTube video analysis, makeup application tutorials, and fast food drive through research) her father’s third wife would have to implement some very strict new guidelines. “We can take turns grocery shopping and you will need to remember to shut off the pool heater.” You think life is so easy, kid? Well shit’s about to get real. Now you are in charge of buying yogurt and flipping a switch. Hayley didn’t see the point. “Can’t your assistant do it? Let’s see what my dad has to say about this. Do you know if he’s in the state this month?”
DRUNK SHOPPING
Heather and Terry liked to spend quality romantic time together by shopping for overpriced clothes and home accessories while drunk. They’d have their driver Nitro (his only success was a 2-year stint on American Gladiators) drive them in circles while they guzzled champagne and counted piles of money. She deserved this shopping excursion because her days were now spent picking out marble and doorknobs and Lucite tables. She no longer had the spare time to go to boutiques for sheath dresses and pencil skirts. (Because her stylist did that anyway). They didn’t always agree on price points. Terry seemed surprised Heather’s idea of a reasonably priced t-shirt was $400. “Yes, Terry, a nice top costs money, just like reconstructive jug surgery or a repaired labia.” She needed expensive new jewelry to wear with her bathing suit on her upcoming Bravo sponsored girl’s trip. “I’m going to French Polynesia,” she explained to the sales clerk who works at minimum wage. “I will be vacationing in Mo’orea, ever been there?” The jewelry store manager wanted to sell her some chandelier earrings so he pretended he had and then pointed out to Terry the desk clock he had been admiring was also something Jimbo Bellino had wanted to buy. “I am sorry but I don’t know that name,” said Terry. “He was the pudgy guy with the leased cars who was married to that woman with hair extensions,” explained Heather. Right. Never mind. The clock is ugly.
JUDGY EYES
Meghan had put so much thought into a couple’s game night party for 10 people. She decorated with accessories from Party City and hired two hosts who were skilled in the art of reading index cards. She filled bowls with fair-sized lollipops, candy necklaces and Sugar Daddies forgetting her guests were not celebrating a 5 year-old’s birthday. But Meghan never really understood her audience. If you want to throw a party for people over 40 you provide packets of pills, wine, and platters with soft food. You also make sure that you choose a night where your husband is actually in town. But most of all you don’t open the evening’s festivities with a newlywed game when one the couple’s you’ve invited are trying to work through an affair. Whoops, sorry Shannon. “Would your partner say you are more or less romantic than you were the first week you were married?” Of course less romantic, especially when you find out he’s been banging someone else for the last year. Sorry, David, don’t feel like writing you love letters or dressing up in a maid’s costume because I can’t get the vision of you violating our marriage vows out of my head right now. Vicki was bored and had to remind everyone that people with jobs don’t play charades on a weeknight and it took a good 45 minutes to drive to her house that was the opposite way of the ocean. To make her guests feel at home Meghan announced she would be seeking her first Botox injection at age 30. Shannon declared she’s only done Botox a few times. She started at age 47 and made sure she found a doctor whose office served organic tea and had tinted windows that protected patients from UV rays. “You’ve got judgy eyes,” Meghan said. Does Shannon have eyes that judge? Of course she does. You’ve just told a couch full of women with facelifts that you are looking forward to erasing invisible wrinkles from your forehead. Then everyone left.
FIX MY LIFE
Shannon and David had sought the counsel of a life coach to repair their marriage. Why go to a licensed therapist when you can get help from a woman who studied under Dr. Phil, wears bedazzled flip-flops and has an office in a hotel. “I tell all my clients they should pay me for services for two years after an affair because it takes that much time to fully recover from a deceitful act. You can help the situation by waiting until you are in a session with me so I can help you work out the kinks and charge you per hour.” Shannon was up for it, but David was kind of over trying to work things out. Can’t we go to a movie or go bowling?
FLYING COMMERCIAL
Heather’s process of packing involved tissue paper layers to protect from color transferring and individually wrapping shoes so they don’t scratch. “Things really have to be tight because when you fly commercial, those bags go flying everywhere.” She was not thrilled with having to fly with peasants. Tamra threw her bathing suits and beach covers into a bag she got on discount at Ross Dress For Less. Meghan prepared for the trip by packing up her Limited Too leggings and crop tops while she Facetimed Jim who was spending quality time with one of his four kids in another state. “I will miss you,” she said. “Hopefully I will see you sometime before spring.” Shannon brought a bowling bag filled with homeopathic elixirs, not that they worked because she was coughing up a lung mid-flight. “Sorry, guys, I’m going to have to sit the first night out because I have black phlegm in my throat.” It was weird because she never got sick, except for the times she had to fly on a plane or stand in places with crowds. Normally burning sage, rubbing coconut oil all over her breasts and chest, and ingesting liquid silver usually did the trick.
DON’T FART
On the first day of their trip Tamra had diarrhea, so Vicki told her, “Don’t fart. You have light colored pants on.”
Lizzie explained to the group she wouldn’t be drinking because there was a chance she might be growing a fetus in her uterus. “I just know my body,” she explained. Then take a test, weirdo. But the real fire came when everyone began to question Meghan’s marriage. Why did you get married to someone you never see? Did you really need to quit your job selling medical devices so you could be his house manager and babysitter? How much money do you spend on bags? But Meghan explained once again that her marriage of 4 months was a partnership. She could spend money as she pleases, which was why they shopped for furniture at a consignment store. “But don’t you have to share his money with his other wives,” asked Vicki. Then she went onto explain to Meghan and Heather that a man doesn’t enjoy it when he works all day so his wife who does not have a job can buy trinkets and bangles and shrimp salad and makeup brushes. In other words, he hates a gold digger. “So she thinks I am a gold digger,” Meghan said. But no one asked Vicki what it is called when a woman works all day long at an office so her freeloading boyfriend (with questionable health issues) can live rent free, play video games, and drive her cars. Wasn’t Brooks essentially her third husband minus a ring and mutual tax obligations?
NEXT WEEK: Meghan’s step parenting style gets ripped into shreds by the other women while enjoying mai tais at a tiki bar.
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap
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