SCREW IT
Things were shaping up for Shannon and David. Weeks ago David was banging his head against a wall because their couples therapist wanted him to write and perform Shannon’s obituary while squatting next to her still breathing body on national television. Now they were enjoying cocktails and high fat appetizers at a rooftop bar in Laguna Beach, which was one of the few spots that was not on the You Went To That Place With The Mistress list. “Do you want some empanadas,” asked David oblivious to the 2 hours she had spent that day trying to lose weight. “Screw it,” she said to the waitress, “just bring us a bucket of brie.” But although things were getting better in her marriage the same couldn’t be said for her friendship with Vicki. Gone were the days when she and Vicki could just celebrate being middle aged girlfriends who happen to be born under the same astrological sign. She didn’t know this new Vicki. Old Vicki was self centered, aggressive and quick to tell you she needed to get back to her very busy life insurance sales office. This Vicki was self centered, aggressive, and quick to verbally abuse you if you doubted Brooks imaginary terminal illness diagnosis. Now she’s getting tight with Tamra and Heather, which makes no sense because when you are Shannon’s friend you are her friend for life and because last season Heather kicked her out of her house and Tamra prayed she’d get kicked off the show.
I’M OUT OF THE CLOSET
Pastor Mike arrived at Tamra’s home just as she was finishing nailing the bedazzled cross on the wall beside the front door. “Thank you for coming, Pasture Mike. Thought we could chat some more about baptism. Is this the type of thing where I do this on my own without cameras or can I invite friends and have a margarita machine and a DJ?” As she explained it, she was out of the closet now, free to express her love of the Lord. “I love Jesus now. I am down with Church and the Bible and the whole shebang irrespective of needing a new storyline this season.” Her biggest hope was that at some point her son and his traveling new family would join her on Sundays. He had cancelled a wedding twice not because he was unemployed and argumentative, but because it was her fault at almost 30 years old he had seen her get married three times. “It’s all my fault he’s covered in meaningless tattoos, has mood swings, and regrets making a spur of the moment decision to start a new family with a woman who already has three of her own. I want to give him useful life tools. He wants to work for a gun manufacturer. He wears men’s Capri pants with tank tops. He gets upset when he’s not included in photo collages. He doesn’t appreciate the fact I spent $8,000 I would normally use for hair products and my shoe collection on a new home for his baby. But then again I am not a great role model. I mean – I’ve appeared in a tub with my husband. For the first few seasons I wore Skye tops.” What was important, the Pastor explained, was that though she had made poor decisions in the past it was how she conducted herself moving forward that would be most helpful to the emotional growth of her already an adult son. She feverishly took down notes. The Lord. Pray. Bible for Airheads. Get t-shirts made. She was making spiritual progress.
THE DOCTOR
Vicki and Brooks met Lenka his “health coach” at the offices of Dr. German Zermeno, who according to Google is a family practice physician (and not an oncologist) in Santa Ana. Lenka, who presumably wears her glitter detox shirts to bed, blind dates, and on major holidays sat beside the couple as Brooks and the doctor discussed his unique treatment plan. “I had my records forwarded to you, I hope you got them,” Brooks said while nodding and winking. “Yes, my “assistant” got them from the fax machine 20 minutes ago. I haven’t had much time to look over them, but based on the photocopy you have given me here it looks like you have a large mass in your abdomen,” said the doctor. Brooks would explain in his lady confessional that when you have lymphoma you get inflammation, which is the normal kind of thing that happens when according to Wikipedia.com you have cancer. “As the disease progresses you get inflammations in your body. It really gets my goose when these women question the stuff I am doing to get done with this stuff that’s been going on in my body that I can’t get too specific about,” said Vicki’s lover. So Brooks laid himself out on a ramp and proceeded to get his blood oxygenated per the doctor’s suggestion. Vicki didn’t quite get the point of it having someone else take out your blood, place it through a Vitamix and then back into your vein, but she was going with it because it seemed to be healing him and because she needed to jam out of the house to meet a client back at the office hoping to set up an insurance plan. Dr. Zermeno believed the ultimate healing treatment plan infused good nutrition (like energy bars and squeezed kale) and stress relief. “Whoopsie,” said Vicki, “that’s partly my fault because the people I hang around with (i.e. the people on the reality show I have agreed to continue filming) doubt he actually has any masses in his abdomen. I can’t do much about that doc. They don’t think he really has what some couple perceive as cancer.” “Well, that would make sense if this document was forged,” said the doctor. Brooks had sweat pouring out his pores. “Nope, this is all legit. How soon until I can take out this IV?”
HOME SHOPPING SALES
Heather and Terry debuted their new skincare line on a home shopping channel based somewhere in the middle of America. It was an opportunity to bring face tightening to people who don’t have homes decorated with Italian marble and gold leaf toilets. Terry was understandably nervous and spray tanned. It’s one thing to be on your own reality television show about botched plastic surgery treatments and another to shill face moisturizer on live television. But after several rehearsals and glasses of Grey Goose and soda he rose to the occasion. Not even a prank call from the hens back in Orange County could throw off his mojo. In the end they sold out products and Terry was able to give Heather the acknowledgment she so badly craved. “This is what I have dreamed of my whole life (with the exception of becoming a VJ on MTV in the 80s and having my own abs workout video) and it is all possible because of Heather, my Lady Dubrow.” Then they embraced each other and made out on top of a pile of money.
Back in Orange County Meghan prepared chicken teriyaki plates with the help of her personal caterer. She was beginning to realize that it was at this point useless to try to parent Hayley. She had zero ambition and no respect for rules and regulations. Maybe I will go to beauty school or become a leader within the Instagram community? Sure, I can have 500 friends over for a bbq when my dad is out of town. Did someone say a stranger just urinated on the living room couch? “It’s been humbling,” Meghan said of not being able to reign in her husband’s daughter from his first marriage. But she had more important matters to attend to such as the true nature of Brooks’ health. It was the reason she spent hours each day making calls to doctor’s offices and to all his old girlfriends and employers.
HERE IT IS
Tamra rushed to Vicki’s house because she was promised clarification on Brooks medical records. She was handed what she was told was a copy of his latest PET/CT scan, dated April of this year but conceivably typed in when he downloaded it from an Internet template. He had been to Newport Imaging and the news wasn’t good or then again maybe it was. Point was Tamra was uncertain because she had absolutely no clue what she was reading. Do pet scans have run on sentences? “Okay, that can’t be a word. Is cancer spelled with two w’s and end in adobeacrobat?” “What we need for you to do, Tamra, is to take a glance at this paper and try to remember all the complex medical terms we just made up when we typed up this bad boy late last night while guzzling wine,” said Vicki. “Go back to your people, those cackling witches you call your friends, and inform them you’ve seen proof. It is your job to spread the word. Go now.” She assured them she would do so even though she sure as tights had absolutely no idea what it said.
I WANT JUSTICE
Later at Meghan’s after they held a home shopping channel viewing party they discussed the aforementioned PET/CT scan (they were two different things but for confusion purposes there was no distinction made). Vicki had made the mistake of notifying everyone via group text that Newport Imaging on Pacific Coast Highway had noted in their documentation that there was a mass. “Hang on, since when does Brooks have a mass,” asked Sherlock King Edmonds? Naturally this only prompted Meghan to do more significant research. “Ladies, I have to let you know that I called Newport Imaging and they stopped doing those scans in 2008.” They were all in shock. “Do you think he’s making up this report,” asked Tamra. “Yep,” said Meghan. “I just want the truth and I want justice.” She was the Norma Rae of Newport Heights.
But what was particularly confusing to Tamra was why she was given the information. “I don’t know why they told you either,” they said. Although in their heads they knew the answer. Give the complicated medical document to the girl who reads The Bible For Dummies. She will go back to the others and tell them because she can barely read. She’s got a history of circumventing the truth, but she’s the least able to spot document forging. So let’s go with Tammy Judge for the win!
NEXT WEEK: Everyone prepares for the white party themed baptism held at the Balboa Bay Club.
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap
The post Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Pet Scans appeared first on Love and Knuckles.