This week on Real Housewives of Orange County Meghan threw a party to celebrate the grand opening of her candles store, Vicki threatened to expose a lie about Shannon’s marriage, and Heather and Terry hosted a book party.
CANDLES
Jim Edmonds had become a candle maker. It was not something he had written down as part of his life goals, but he was happily surprised in his post middle-age to find he loved the smell of jasmine and lavender candles and soap. Besides baseball selling bars of soap filled with rosemary leaves that would later be covered in pubic hair in dish of a hallway bathroom shower brought him immense joy. In fact at times it brought him more joy than the birth of his fifth baby.
Meghan was touched to see so many friends and non-friends attend the formal opening of her candles shop/apothecary/sweater and loungewear shop located a few shops away from Auntie Anne’s pretzels. Her years of selling bohemian jewelry and blouses at Anthropologie had brought her to this moment. The only thing that hindered this very special moment was a lady fight between Shannon Beador and Vicki Gunvalson brewing behind the table of body lotions. Shannon was angry Vicki didn’t return a text message apologizing for not coming to her aid the day she almost got decapitated in a dune buggy accident and had to leave the hospital in only a bed sheet. She had, it seemed, expected a note of gratitude and possibly a parade. “You messed up,” Vicki told her. “Your husband is a piece of shit,” she added. Meghan tried to break up the tension up showing everyone her ultrasound as if none of the other women had ever seen one before. Shannon nearly toppled over a rack of turtlenecks in her escape.
VICKI AND TAMRA
The next day Vicki and Tamra met up at Olivia’s Closet to find an evening dress for Heather’s upcoming book party, an event she waited to mention until she was in the middle of Meghan’s party. “Hey guys, forget about this knick-knack boutique, I’ve got a plastic surgery book coming out. I co-authored it with Terry. We are going to serve edible appetizers and it won’t smell like someone farted peonies and citrus.” Vicki got her heels stuck in a floor crack and then her nipple cover fell out, which reminded Tamra of the good times. They discussed how Vicki had warned Shannon at the candle party to be careful with her words. Should she push further Vicki would reveal a huge secret about her marriage, one she had possibly not already discussed during a marriage retreat in a Radisson Hotel the season prior.
POOR SHANNON
Shannon wasn’t worried, she insisted. She had nothing to hide, even though she had not slept for days, which was news to her husband. “How could anyone sleep soundly without organic mattresses?” she wondered while shopping at a store off the freeway. “Whatever you want to sleep on,” David responded but with the voice of someone who just received a lobotomy. (He was the Rosemary Kennedy of the Real Housewives franchise. “You are my princess,” he said. Shannon had bigger fish to fry. She was forced to live in a 25,000 square foot rental overlooking the ocean without furniture or Wi-Fi.
NOTABLE
Kelly asked her husband, former Midnight Oil frontman and Leapfrog executive to cut back the fighting in front of their daughter. She didn’t enjoy, for example, having him compare her to his mother. “But I love my mother,” he tried to reason.
Vicki filmed a commercial for her new cancer charity, which she believed would quell concerns about her helping a former boyfriend fake cancer. It only took 753 takes, which was the result of someone playing drums in a spare bedroom.
BOOK PARTY
At Heather and Terry’s book party Vicki brought her new boyfriend who Tamra patted down by the Dubrow book ice sculpture. “He’s a cop and not a crook!” Tamra yelped. She had a new boyfriend and a Maserati to show off. Tamra wondered if Shannon was on meds because she appeared jovial, if not euphoric despite loathing Vicki. Perhaps they could put aside the fact they wished the other would be fired or would develop a thyroid issue for the sake of a successful show, especially if Shannon was willing to open her blouse to reveal a hickey.
Terry and Jim gathered by the exit and discussed Meghan’s 9-week-old fetus. “Are you chill about this?” Terry asked acknowledging of course that Jim had already had two sets of kids with two other women. “Sure, yeah, whatever,” he responded. “Just understand your son will turn 12 one day and give you a gang sign because he looks at you like a co-worker and not someone who spends 87 hours a week working to pay for his private school education” Jim didn’t discuss how Meghan had seemed to believe she was the first woman to ever give birth or how she had made preliminary plans to become the new spokesperson for pregnancy depression.
While making freeze-dried ice cream, which Tamra noted looked like a yeast infection, they mutually agreed to spend their housewife vacation in Ireland, a foreign country that would not require wearing a bathing suit.
But before the night ended Kelly pleaded with Michael to stop drinking after he rubbed Heather’s stylist’s earrings by the bar. Vicki tried yet again to counsel her. “Just make it work,” she suggested. “Donn and I didn’t try hard enough,” she said despite a vow renewal ceremony and the re-issuing of rings. “I beg you to just take it work.”
NEXT WEEK:
A trip to Ireland. Tamra gaps for breath while sobbing on a tour bus.
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