Yes hello, welcome to another edition of Boombox presents. Today is a very special edition ladies and gentlemen; I have a very special guest helping me predict Wrestlemania. Now in the past I’ve written these prediction columns with various inanimate objects. There was Woody, the drug peddling children’s toy; and of course who could forget, the classic column with a ladle whose name currently escapes me? But today shall be different. Today I am very pleased to say I’m writing with a fellow human, a fellow columnist and I hope by the end of this adventure; a friend. I give you, Kingzak.
What’s up everyone. I am glad to be joining Danno for this column. I remember many months ago when an idea was tossed out of me and my dog doing a predictions column with you and Woody. But with Woody having been kicked out and my dog busy destroying yet another toy, it looks like we are going to do this mano y mano, I think I am using that right. Anyway let’s talk wrestling. Despite literally all the midcard being tied up in some battle royal this is turning out to be a good card, not WrestleMania 28 good. But good none the less.
Woody is dead to me now Zak. Anyway, enough back patting and reach arounds; let’s get to business. Yes, the card is looking pretty good. Whether it is good enough for me to fork out the best part of twenty beans is another question. But, we aren’t here to talk about my financial frugality; we are here to predict the shit out of Wrestlemania 30. We may as well start at the beginning eh?
Wrestlemania Pre-Show. The Usos vs Rybaxel vs Los Matadores vs Real Americans for the WWE Tag Team Championship:
Any thoughts on the now traditional pre-mania show Zak?
Yes. My first issue is “Why do the tag titles always get the short end of the stick come Mania time” If you look at recent times, the tag titles are crapped all over when it is mania time. WrestleMania 25, 28 and 30 both had the tag titles on the pre-show. Meanwhile they aren’t even defended on the show half the time. We have had a long depressing fall since TLC 2 at WM17, like Matt Hardy.
Don’t feel too sorry for Matt Hardy. I have it on good authority that Hardy is one half of Los Matadores; the other is Chevy Chase I believe. I get what you’re saying about the tag titles Z-dog, but when I look at the competitors involved, I’m not overly bothered. I feel bad for Cesaro but he looks like a man who constantly honks of garlic. You can almost see the garlic oil leaking from his pores. The other seven though? Nah couldn’t give a fuck. The Usos are fairly generic, McGillicutty makes me wish for sensory deprivation torture, Ryback reminds me of Foghorn Leghorn for some reason, Jack Swagger covers everyone in spit when he talks and the other two are an 80’s comedian and a fat drug addict. So yeah, apart from old garlic breath I don’t care. Throwing a dart at the chart, I made a hole in the wall. Usos I suppose.
And there was me thinking it was Primo and Epico under all that pink and purple, I have been so foolish how I didn’t see it before. Despite the fact that they hold the tag titles I still feel sorry for the Usos. I wish they were on the main card, even if it was just in the anything for a paycheck battle royal. Same thing with Cesaro. As to who is going to be walking away with the bronze, there is no doubt in my mind that The Usos are taking the titles home with them, they only won them a few weeks ago and there is no obvious team to walk away with them. Especially with the Real Americans breaking up by the time Extreme Rules arrives.
Danno picks Usos
Kingzak picks Usos
Ok, I suppose we ought to move on. I’ve no idea what match will open the show, so an educated guess is in order.
The Shield vs Kane and the Outlaws:
The Shield has been fantastic, but everyone is talking about who will be “the one”. So Zak, not wanting to break from the herd, I’ll ask you the same question everyone else is. Out of the three members of the Shield, who would you most like to have sex with, if you were a woman?
That is a tough one. Honestly if I was a woman I would probably end up with one in each hole. As to who is going to be the big breakout in wrestling I honestly think Roman will reign supreme (see what I did there) but I think Seth may end up in a sort of Jeff Hardy/Rey Mysterio-esque underdog/spot machine role. I still don’t see much in Ambrose, but that can mostly be blamed on his booking. What about you Danno? Who would you bang and who is going to be the one?
Wow. Just wow. You heard it here first folks, Zak would allow the Shield to spit roast him. If I had a choice, it would have to be Roman Reigns. Shave his beard and I think he’d be quite the attractive woman, effectively turning me into a lesbian. I can imagine Seth would be a very selfish lover and Dean Ambrose would be constantly trying to fist me. Urgh, what are we talking about? Zak, why did you bring this up? Surely the Shield wins this. The combined age of the Shield is less than Billy Gunn; that is a fact. But will the Shield break up at Mania? Zak, over to you.
Yeah there is no way The Shield lose this. One of them could be hit by a car and they would still be able to wheel themselves to the ring and beat the authority. A meteor could hit the earth and destroy all sentient life and the ashes of The Shield would still somehow end up on top of The Authorities ashes. Especially with the Old Age Outlaws leaving after WrestleMania.
The Outlaws are leaving? Fuck that, I’m boycotting till they return. If a defeat results in the Outlaws quitting then I want the old fuckers to win. Screw it, I’ll go for them.
Danno picks The Old Chaps
Zak picks The Shield
At this point Zak said he had to go and we would continue tomorrow, but it was exactly the same time that El Torito appeared on Raw. Admittedly I was watching the show two days after it had aired live, but obviously it lit the fire of suspicion in me. Could Zak be El Torito? I hatched a plan. Zak’s natural language is Spanish, being a Mexican midget, so I attempted to trip him up in an effort to expose his secret.
El Andre el Gigante de Batalla Real
Bueno Zak, vamos a pasar a la siguiente coincidencia. ¿Quién crees que se llevará a casa el honor francamente inútil de ganar la batalla real Andre el Gigante?
Bueno creo que hay en realidad un montón de opciones para este partido. El primero y mi favorito personal es que se trata de Fandango y Brodus Clay, los dos están a punto de empezar a luchar pero luego, Fandango comienza a bailar, Brodus sigue traje llevando a ellos dos bailando. Las superestrellas y tripulación en el ringside comienzan bailando también y en breve nos un flash 80.000 persona de la mafia. No hay manera que esto va a pasar, pero aún espero por él.
Voy a dejar de hablar en Español ahora. The likely candidates are
Sheamus: Him and his 19102 match winning streak always have a chance.
The Miz: if the WWE think’s about continuing his not-streak then this is the obvious sign of it.
Big E: Make the Intercontinental title look strong for once.
Rey Mysterio: It would be funny to see him walk around with a statue that is taller than him.
Big Show has the momentum after the clusterfuck on Raw, but he is only ever anywhere so someone can look cool beating a giant. Out of all those choices, I think The Miz is the most likely winner of the match.
I knew it
The Miz? I think my dick will turn inside out before that dunce wins the trophy. To be honest with you mate, I have no idea who is in it. Marty Jannetty normally does well in these things, but I doubt we’ll see him. I think Seamus is a decent shout, but for some reason I fancy Rusev. He has lovely muscled thighs.
Rusev was announced; damn I really don’t pay attention during his promos. There is so much job fodder in this match that this might as well just be a six person match. Same thing with the divas battle royal, you literally need 6 of the people in the match to get the full quality. Should we move on or continue to rip the shit out of the participants in the battle royal?
I’m assuming he’ll be there, but I may have made an error. We can move on if you wish.
Zak picks Miz
Danno picks Rusev
Before we move on to the next match-up, would it be ok to ask you a few true or false questions? I think it will allow me to get to know you a bit better? Would that be ok Zebadee?
Ok, but don’t call me Zebadee.
I am serious, and don’t call me Zebadee. Ok, question number one. True or false, Sheamus wasn’t born; he was created as a by-product from the manufacturing of Jaffa Cakes.
I am going to go with … True. Based on his “date of birth” my guess would be it happened during the ill-fated “guinness Jaffa cakes” creation. It is rumoured that if you bite Sheamus he bleeds orange jelly.
I started that rumour. True or false: Some girls will, some girls won’t, but Stephanie McMahon definitely sucked off Macho Man behind the bins at Summerslam.
I am going with false. It was anal at the Royal Rumble 89.
Whoa, I need to check my sources. Finally Zak, true or false; Jerry “The King” Lawler is a sodomiser.
C’mon Danno, we all know that is true. Jerry sodomises anything that moves, whether it be a woman, a man, animals, his printer and on one occasion a charisma less aubergine.
I’m yet to meet an aubergine with charisma. All this talk of wrestlers randomly violating women in their exit holes leads me quite naturally to the Divas Championship Match.
Divas Championship Match
Ok Zak, I honestly have no idea what this involves. Obviously AJ Lee will be there, but is she defending the title against everyone? I’d do some research but we’re a team now, so I’m going to leave this up to you to fill in the details.
Sure thing.
This match was booked because WWE failed to draw in a celebrity for the year. This lead to mass panic at WWE creative before someone decided to just use all of the divas in a battle royal. The booking leading up to this match has been very Total Divas heavy, which means, according to wrestling rule #21 means that none of them are walking away with the butterfly, that’s not necessarily true. One of them could find a butterfly on the way home.
Anyway there are two obvious choices to win, one is AJ Lee, and she is going to win in dominant fashion. Or Tamina is going to win after turning on AJ and destroying the rest of the roster.
Now that the easy part is done, I turn it back to you Danny boy.
I have an interesting fact about AJ; her bottom isn’t the posterior she was born with. It originally belonged to X-Pac, but he sold it to her for drug money. I think the Divas get a bad rap Zak Morris; where else could you watch a group of attractive women flop about on a canvas covered cushion? Xhamster, that’s where. I see AJ winning this one, following interference from Nicole Bass. Who is your pick Zak?
Honestly I am having a hard time picking on this one. Not sure whether it is actually hard or I just can’t muster up the ability to give a fuck. I am going to pick AJ mostly because the amount of time spent building up Tamina is roughly negative 4 hours. This just means AJ is going to walk away with yet another PPV win.
Danno Picks AJ
Zak picks AJ
Ok, I think they will have to wake the crowd up a bit now. Step up Hunter vs Bryan.
Triple H vs Daniel Bryan (The winner enters the main event for the WWE championship)
So Zak, are you excited for this match, or are you feeling the uneasy nervousness of a virgin white girl in an R&B club like many in the IWC are feeling about the contest?
A mix of both. I am worried and excited, but that is how a good storyline should make you feel. It is a sign that everyone involved has done their part well that people both care and are getting nervous about this match. Whether it is the shoot like nature behind it, or the fans dedication to Bryan this match has everyone talking and will inevitably save an otherwise comatose main event.
Honestly this match is going to be a clusterfuck. You are sure to see at least one, maybe both of the other main eventers, Stephanie is bound to get involved, Kane might show up, I even have a feeling Vince will come back to interfere in this match. But that is just going to add to the build-up in this match. Whether it ends with the hero triumphant, or the villain high above to a chorus of boos.
Honestly I am not sure which of the two should win, traditional logic would say Daniel Bryan should win, but part of me thinks Triple H should win and then Daniel Bryan should be added to the match after Hogan puts him in, making an amazing fatal four way. I think I convinced myself, I want that to happen now. I am going with Triple H to win.
I think they have missed a bit of a trick though Zak. They could have made it into a “Battle of the Nostrils”. Obviously Hunter has a large beak, but have you seen the size of Daniel Bryan’s nose holes. A team of potholers explored the cavernous passage a few months ago and said the sights inside that cavity took their breath away. Huge ginger stalagmites pointed in various different directions, creating a frightening yet intriguing landscape.
I really hope we get to see Daniel Bryan have a Wrestlemania moment. I fear that if they continue denying him at the last minute, people will become weary and that’s when apathy starts to set in. Unlike many though, I have no doubt these two can have a fantastic match. Hunter is far better than people give him credit for, and Bryan is Bryan. I have to go with my gut and pick Daniel Bryan here.
Danno picks Daniel Bryan
Zak picks Hunter
John Cena vs Bray Wyatt
Alright, next we have beardy against charity. Scary against goofy. Smelly against cheaty. In my opinion, Wyatt has been the dog’s bollocks during this feud. His promos remind me of that pervy school teacher; you know, the one rumoured to have masturbated into a shampoo bottle. He’s been superb. But who will win? I really can’t see past shiny bollocks. What do you think my learned colleague? Can you see Wyatt winning this?
I think Wyatt shouldn’t win, he has been on the roster less than a year and honestly if he wins now I fear he may catch Tensai Syndrome. But if Cena wins then there is room for Wyatt to go after a bit more seasoning. I have read a lot of comments about “If Cena wins then it will bury Wyatt” but that is the problem with the internet, anyone who loses to an established star is buried. If you looked at comments not on the internet then you would see the optimism. I see a skywriter yesterday who had wrote “If Cena wins then Wyatt will have a goal for the future”.
I once had a case of Tensai Syndrome. It wasn’t too bad, once I got used to the rectal bleeding and drippy dick tip. I agree with your point about losing to main event stars, but I have to say that Cena has a terrible track record for putting over new stars. I don’t think he does it deliberately, he just repeats a script after all; but Cena’s promos against his opponents in recent years have been very damaging. It’s like having Gary Glitter as your PR advisor. At times he can be as toxic to new stars as Madonna’s cooch.
All that said; it is Mania. Cena will win this, in spite of interference from the Wyatts, Al Pacino, the ghost of Mae Young, Blackbeard the pirate, Megatron and Shawn Michaels wandering eye. Who are you going for Zakarini?
WWE booked Al Pacino and Megatron for WrestleMania? That sounds awesome, do you think we can get them in the flash mob I mentioned at the end of the Andre Royal. I think we see Cena win too. But like I said it won’t be too bad for Wyatt’s career. In 30 years’ time he is going to make a fantastic manager for some lucky/slightly demented rookie. And if he’s lucky he might get a WWE title run before that. But now is not that time, Cena will win here because it’s WrestleMania. Also Zakarini sounds like some sort of pasta.
It’s a roasted bullock’s bollock soaked in vinegar, considered quite the delicacy is Finland.
Zak picks Cena
Danno picks Cena
The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar (The Streak vs The Agency Labourer)
Before we start Zak, whose hips are in worse shape, Taker or Lesnar’s wife Sable? That woman has handled more sausage than a butcher.
I would say that Sables definitely in worse shape. Mostly because Taker seems to more evenly distribute his injuries. This match is probably the most lopsided of the whole night. We all know that Taker is walking away with the win and the streak still intacted. The better question is, “will the quality match streak AKA the streak within the streak continue”
Taker no longer suffers from injuries. He had a taxidermist stuff him a few years ago, so technically all he does is lose a little bit of his stuffing. Unusually, instead of using sand like most taxidermists do, Taker is stuffed with socks; hence the slightly lumpy look. I worry that Lesnar will beat the living piss out of Taker, meaning the Deadman will be too dead to make the cover. One thing we can guarantee is that Lesnar will sweat like a fat bird in a disco and Taker’s guy liner will end up running down his cheeks from all of the overexertion.
Agreed, Taker will win this, but I highly doubt we will see a classic. So are you picking a Taker win here Zak?
As much as I want a good match I am just not sure about this. If Taker’s recent matches have shown anything, it is that he works best with smaller more technical performers, not the powerhouses he used to face. Of course Batista is an exception to the rule after their match at WM23. I guess the best hope is that they keep up the quality up from their matches twelve years ago. But there is no doubt in my mind that Taker is going to win. There is absolutely no one on this planet that thinks Brock has a chance in this match. Even the aliens from the ghvzftdgxz galaxy know Taker is win. And they just think this is a human mating ritual.
It is.
Zak picks Taker
Danno picks Taker
WWE Title Match feat Randy Orton (c) vs Batista vs ???
So, we’ve come to the end. I suppose you have Hunter in this match, so do you see the big beaked bastard ruining the card by winning the title? Surely they aren’t dumb enough to do that?
Personally I think we are going to get Hogan coming out … and announcing that Daniel Bryan will be in this match making it a fatal four way. That way Randy, Trips and Daniel can distract the audience from Batista using an oxygen tank at ringside. There is merit behind all the men winning but only one of them should win. And I am sure we all know who that is.
I can see Hogan getting involved in a slightly different way. Obviously I see Bryan beating Hunter, so he will be in the main event. I can see a great match going well into the half hour mark. At this point, as you have mentioned, Batista will be on life support leaving Orton and Bryan. Bryan will lock in the Yes Lock, but Mr Fuji will throw salt in Bryan’s eyes meaning Orton can make the cover. Hogan will come down and check on Bryan, but then Mr Fuji will challenge Hogan. Big boot and a leg drop later we will have a 60 year old champion.
Honestly neither of the men who should be in this match are going to win this, Randy has held the title since October and that is long enough. Batista would pass out due to lack of oxygen from climbing the top rope. Either Triple H or Bryan will walk out with the gold. If Triple H wins I think we may see a rise in suicide and drug use. And if Daniel Bryan wins then alcohol intake will increase by about 80%, either way people are waking up on Monday hungover in the street somewhere in a pile of their own vomit with missing body parts or organs. The more healthy option is also the right option, Bryan will walk out with the gold. I dare anyone to say I am wrong.
I fully intend on being one of those people, off my nut on booze. So are you going for a Bryan victory?
To put in simple terms. Hell yeah.
Ok. So Zak is going to go with the happy ending, a Daniel Bryan victory; while I’m going for Hulk Hogan taking home the title, followed by a Hogan vs Warrior feud throughout the summer.
Zak picks Bryan
Danno pick Hogan
Zak, it has been an absolute pleasure. I am very much looking forward to doing this again sometime.
Same to you Danno. This has been a lot of fun. Let’s hope the audience like this otherwise we may end up with nothing but chants for other writers and have to quickly scramble to get someone that is over into this. All jokes aside, this has been a lot of fun and I hope to do this with you again.
It’s always nice to end with a quote.
“Your son’s a prick” - Chrisbear