Hello everyone and welcome to The Yeti's 100th Post Extravaganza! When I noticed that I was getting close to 100 posts I had two thoughts: "really!?" and "what can I do to make my 100th post special?" Well, unless that counter over there is lying to me, this really is my 100th post. As for making it special, well, it is also my first "official" column. We've had a lot of fun over the last 99 posts of mine, at least I have, and this gala event is the culmination. I've got jokes and guests lined up in addition to my trademark hard-hitting wrestling analysis. If you've never read one of my posts before then you're in for a real treat, as my many fans in the Free For All section will attest. In fact, to begin let's take a look back at a statement from one of those FFA posts of mine, so that we can all better appreciate me and my subtle prescience:
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Originally Posted by The Yeti
Roman Reigns can't possibly fight his genetics for much longer. I mean, they can keep him in those color contacts and body armor all they want, but once his ass starts to expand it'll be more drastic than Chris Hero.
Okay, so maybe it didn't exactly take The Amazing Kreskin to figure out that Roman Reigns was on PEDs, but I've been suspicious about his physique since long before I posted that in April. His father is Sika, and his brother is Rosey. Asses run big in that family, and moobs are not uncommon. His actual cousins, The Usos, have unremarkable physiques that are obviously just barely holding back their father's DNA, while Samoan kayfabe cousin, Dwayne Johnson, is half-black and had his bitch tits removed before they became Rikishian. Don't get me wrong, I don't usually care if pro wrestlers take PEDs or not, but I think that the revelation that Reigns was using them actually speaks to his reception to a degree. People have the inherent ability to spot a fake, and Roman's muscles, in addition to everything else about him, have screamed "he's a phony" louder than that guy who harassed Peter on Family Guy. And sure, the whole thing is a show, but it isn't Days of Our Lives. Wrestling will always have to have faces and heels who people can believe in for it to work. For the people to believe, the wrestlers have to believe. WWE strapped a bunch of gear and titles on Reigns, he filled himself up with steroids and delusions, yet nobody bothered to come up with a character for him. For me, 30 days isn't long enough. He should've been written off and retooled, but without the juice maybe he'll just naturally slide into his next role- that of the third Uso.
Returns are hard to get right sometimes. Take mine for example. I came back here almost a year ago in inauspicious fashion. I really just signed back up to see what the place was up to since it blew up and took my old account with it. While the schadenfreude inherent in leaving this place and returning to find it in its current state of affairs has been pretty nice, now that I've re-established myself as one of the best here, I thought it'd be fun to look at the top 10 ways I can make my next 100 posts even better than the first 100. So, lady and gentlemen, here they are- the Top Ten Ways The Yeti Can Make His Next 100 Posts Better Than His First 100:
10) comic sans
9) Quit being so nice all the time.
8) Remmebre ot kate. daelxsyi mecaditoin
7) Write all wresting-related posts as if kayfabe were reality.
6) Fewer questions for Tito; more questions for Calvin.
5) More casual swearing, for the love of fuck.
4) Call others "mark" more often.
3) More banter with Slap, less banter with notslap.
2) Start watching wrestling again.
1) Make them on literally any other wrestling board.
I kid because I love. Now, let's take another look back at some more classic Yeti:
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Originally Posted by The Yeti
Michael Cole is awful, and how he keeps dodging AA's Mount Rushmore amazes me. Maybe now that they've got Canton over there Cole will finally get his due for being so godawful. He's like the Danny DeVito character in Twins if Tony Schiavone was the only sperm donor. Any broadcaster worth his salt can listen and talk at the same time. His role as Vince's Metatron only seems like something only he could do because he's been the only one doing it for so long. When he goes away Raw's ratings will go back up as more and more non-deaf people start to tune back in.
Michael Cole is still awful, as his recent call of "Pedigree!" while Dean Ambrose performed the Dirty Deeds DDT reminded us. JBL is crap too and so are Byron Saxton and David Otunga, per Dr. King's Dream. Jerry Lawler remembered who the hell he was behind the mic just in time to get arrested, and Bobby Heenan is still criminally unable to speak. The commentary situation in WWE is bleak. A lot of folks are clamoring for a Mauro Ranallo/Corey Graves team on SmackDown, which, while nice, would still fix less than half of the problem. Raw and the special events will likely still be called by Mo, Larry, and Cole-y, and there's no end in sight unless one of them decides to run afoul of the authorities, real or storyline. I'm interested to hear how Daniel Bryan does calling the Cruiserweight Classic, but I honestly don't expect much. Maybe his old rival, Nigel McGuinness, has given him some pointers, and he takes to the role. Ed Ferrara doing a parody of Jim Ross was better than what we have on Raw commentary right now.
Along with bad commentary on the TV, bad commentary on the internet is worse than ever. Wrestling fan podcasts need to stop. All the ones that used to be good all suck now, and all the new ones are uniformly terrible. Yes, that includes yours. A good example of a fallen older one is... well, I can't use their name because it's the same as their website's URL, and I don't want anybody getting their mod panties in a bunch, at least not over this. Let's call it "Rasslin' Stew." The whole show hasn't tanked, just one of its co-hosts, a gentle oaf by the name of Anthony "Missionary" Thomas. What the fuck happened to him? Dude went from "affable goof" to full-blown "retarded Barney Rubble" in the blink of an eye. At some point he stopped being the host and started being the sidekick, and his annoying idiocy actually makes the funny and somewhat likable Joey Numbas less likable by association. I can't even listen to that show without thinking I mistakenly tuned in to a radio play of Of Mice and Men. As far as newer shows go, let's just say that I'll not be clicking play on that widget on the main page again. While a well-produced intro made me hopeful, the host sounded like Solomonster after having his personality forcibly removed. I come to you nerds for a recap, not a night cap. That's not to say Solomonster isn't shitty, but at least he sounds like a broadcaster. So much so, in fact, that I think his listeners forget he isn't an insider in any way, shape, or form. It used to be nice when a fellow fan would sit through Vince's play time so I didn't have to, but now these assholes can't even be relied upon to have watched the show on which they're pontificating. Be it the aforementioned Thomas, his buddy Kevin Castle, or The Worldwide Leader's very own Pete Rosenberg, more and more of these fuckers seem to be all too happy to inform their co-hosts and listeners (with what have to be the most shit-eatingest of grins) that they don't watch the shows. Hey, before begging people for money or claiming to be an authority, how about you sit your fat ass in front on the TV and watch the show?
That was a rhetorical question, and there sure has been a lot of rhetoric around here over my first 100 posts. I suppose that's always been the case, so why let's take a moment to look back at some classic LOP pearls of wisdom:
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Originally Posted by Sean, 2009, "Sheamus - The Celtic Warrior"
Ah yes, Sheamus. I love the guy almost as much as I love Kennedy.
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Originally Posted by Hustle, 2010, "Do you think Hulk Hogan is ruining TNA?"
The answer? No.
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Originally Posted by Terry, 2011, "The IWC is only 10% of the fambase (sic)? Let's test that!"
The IWC has gotten bigger with social networking, but the fans that go to the events & give live feedback are those that the WWE listens to.
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Originally Posted by Slap, 2012, "The 2012 NFL Playoffs"
If Brady wins his 4th he'll be the best player of my lifetime...
...until Rogers wins his 5th
What a fun stroll down memory lane, huh? I'd have nuked the board too. The only way the site could have had more wrong on it is if somebody posted child porn. Well, hopefully I don't miss out on all the good times yet to come on LOP. 100 posts sure seems like a like, and if I didn't remember the days when mizfan would have that many in an afternoon I'd think so too. Still, it is a milestone, and one that I hope not to duplicate a third time. Thank you for your time, and see you when I hit my 200th post so we can do it all over again.