IT HAS BEGUN!
MIZFAN PRESENTS
New Day vs. Regal & Barrett vs. Nakamura & Tajiri
VS. 
VS.
USA vs. UK vs. JAPAN
It was cold the day William Regal died, almost as if when his life ended some of the physical warmth of the universe went with it, never to be regained. And it was raining.
“I feel like I’ve been in this bloody story before,” Regal thought to himself as the spinning, serrated blade improbably attached to his former assistant’s foot came swinging at his face. For a moment time seemed to flow slowly, and Regal was able to see the individual points of Tajiri’s actual buzzsaw flash and glint as lightning split the air, water flung in every direction with every rotation.
It was beautiful, in its way. Regal sometimes wished he had taken more time to appreciate the beautiful things in life.
Not ready to die just yet, Regal crossed his blades, one long and one short, and heaved them up to block the death blow. Already bloody from a dozen minor cuts and entirely off balance, it was all he could do to keep the whirling dervish of death from bisecting his face from brow to chin. Sparks flashed in the open air as the metal clashed and clanged. The world tilted from one wild angle to another, back and forth. Regal had lured the Japanese team into the wettest environment he could think of to try to gain a small advantage, but the depths of an Amazonian rainforest turned out to be more of a neutral ground. The fact that they had been forced to make their final stand on a rickety rope bridge, connecting two sheer cliffs high above a chasm, was merely coincidence, or perhaps an overdramatic gesture from the Island itself. Regal managed to throw off Tajiri’s attack and swing around for one of his own as he grimaced, thinking the Island did seem to have some kind of sick sense of humor.
It also seemed to have had trigged some kind of strange… change in the Japanese team. Regal feinted with his longsword and cut in his with right, grazing the cheek of Tajiri, who leapt back warily. Regal could not help but notice as Tajiri wiped the blood away from his face, it was unmistakably green. Noticing Regal’s gaze, Tajiri flashed an enormous grin to reveal the green had already spread all through his gums, and was it tinging into his eyes? Regal couldn’t say for sure with only the strobing lightning serving for illumination, but it was simple enough to tell that this dark Island was having a much greater effect on the Japanese team than on most.
As the fighting lulled for a moment, Regal’s eyes darted to the now still form of what used to be Shinsuke Nakamura, or perhaps more accurately “SWAGSUKE”, based on the mechanical croaking the thing had been doing before it had retreated into the current dormant state. The rain had just been starting when they had begun to fight. Regal had hoped his partner, the now deformed Wade Barrett, would be able to offer some assistance in the battle, but much to his dismay the moment the SWAGSUKE monstrosity noticed the one-time bearer of bad news, it had an… interesting reaction. Even Tajiri had seemed surprised as he watched his partner emit a grating roar, form its arms into a giant, towering hammer, and bring it crashing down all the way across the chasm to smash Barrett completely flat on the other side.
The hammer had detached and fallen into the depths, and puzzling SWAGSUKE had abruptly drawn into itself and formed a metallic pod, which was currently beeping and hissing in the rain. Barrett, now resembling nothing so much as a large quantity of flesh colored silly putty, was improbably still alive, but unable to offer much assistance.
And so it came down to a battle of former allies, perhaps even friends, fighting to death in strange times and even stranger places. Hands becoming slick with blood, Regal knew his time was running short and soon the blood loss would catch up to him. Who knew if blood loss was even a problem for whatever Tajiri was becoming? Outright bravery had never been his strong suit, but being backed into a corner was a familiar feeling. Regal wearily summoned his remaining strength, let out a roar, and charged in with swords flailing.
Tajiri, caught by the sudden desperate furor of Regal’s attack, was driven back across the bridge step by step, snapping boards underfoot left and right as he stumbled back, trying to block each new strike as Regal pushed him relentlessly. One, and two, and one, and two! Regal struck again and again. Tajiri was quick, but Regal was one step ahead. As they reached the end of the bridge Tajiri leapt to the side to avoid an overhand swing, but Regal kept his momentum flowing and twisted around. His true attack found it’s mark, and with a feeling of grim necessity for the evil that men must do, Regal drove his longsword straight through Tajiri’s chest, pinning him against the bridge post. The sword hissed as a torrent of green fluid poured out around it, but the steel held. Tajiri’s struggled wildly for a few moments, but soon fell still, head hanging low over the protruding sword.
Regal stumbled backwards, barely able to keep his feet. His thoughts were not even on their other opponents, still out there somewhere. As the rain cascaded down his face, he simply looked at Tajiri, pinned like an insect in a display case. He had deserved better. They all did...
Regal turned to walk back to his gelatinous partner, but realized suddenly he had not heard any announcement of victory. Perhaps the storm was obscuring it? But the rain seemed to be letting up now, and there was still no sign. Slowly Regal turned to see Tajiri, bubbling green from his mouth, once again flashing him an enormous smile. His limbs seemed to move without joints or bones, flailing wildly, and Regal could see fresh blades begin to protrude from his hands as well. Furiously the thing once known as Tajiri started spitting green fluid onto the sword pinning him in place, and Regal watched in horror as the blade sagged and started dripping off. The Tajiri-thing crashed forward and started skittering across the bridge.
Regal had seem many strange and terrible things in his life, but this was too much. Desperate not to meet this thing in battle, Regal did the only thing he could think of. He swung his remaining blade directly through the bridge, splitting it in half.
In freefall for a moment, Regal wildly grabbed for the remaining rope on his side, and clung tightly until what was left crashed into the side of the chasm a moment later. After ensuring that he was indeed still in one piece and collecting himself with a shudder, Regal looked to the far side, but the rains had created a mist and he could not see if the monster had fallen or not. Regal began climbing up the remains of the bridge and had almost comforted himself that all was well, when he heard a soft scuttling below him.
Nothing in the world could have prepared Regal for the sight of Tajiri’s face appearing out of the mist below, imposed upon a hideous, shifting, segmented body. Regal almost thought he saw extra eyes beginning to open on the remnants of Tajiri’s visage but he didn’t stop for a second to take another look. With all his remaining might he started scrambling up the cliff, desperate not to be caught by the thing, desperate to have some kind of chance against the nightmare dragging itself up the cliff face.
He almost made it, too.
Just as he was cresting the lip of the cliff, the creature fell upon him, snatching, slicing, gripping him from far more places than the monster should have had limbs. Regal reached desperately for Barrett’s discarded hammer only to feel a burning spray hit his right hand, and he screamed as he felt the skin start to slough off his bones. Regal scratched and clawed at the leathery hide of the beast, who seemed to be changing shape with every movement, but all he received was a glob of green in his left eye. Regal felt the liquid burn into his scalp and saw only a dull red haze as it dropped down his face. He saw eyes, and teeth, and blades, but could do nothing. Regal, survivor of the streets of Blackpool, a man as tough as anyone who had ever come to the Island, finally lay still, his panting breath the only sign that he had not yet given up the ghost.
The thing seemed to sense that its victim was finally ready to be finished off. Something with eyes and teeth, far too many of each to be called a face, appeared in front of Regal’s limited vision. Most of the eyes were swinging wildly, madly in their sockets, some of them actually protruding and all of them tinged with a thick green slime. The thing chittered with glee, but Regal’s one good eye fixated on the one eye of the thing that was staring back at him intently. The thing quieted as they locked their gaze, it’s shifting mass slowly undulating unseen in the mist. For just a moment, Regal thought he saw a twinge of something in that eye. Regret? Terror? Perhaps… honor?
Regal let out a wheezing, crazed chuckle at the sight, in spite of everything. He felt the thing’s grip on his good hand loosen, just slightly.
In the end, even with everything that this horror had become, it still had more honor than Regal. Villain to the end, he thought to himself, and jerked his left hand free. He stabbed upward with every ounce of strength he had left with his last resort, a small dagger coated with the most powerful poisons known to man. The Tajiri creature was by no means a man anymore, but apparently it still had enough of a trace of mankind left in its body to feel the effects. With a piercing shriek the thing slithered off Regal. He heard it crashing through the foliage nearby and prayed it would stay away, far away, dead or not, he no longer cared.
Some time passed.
The mist began to lift as silence reigned over the scene. Regal, barely believing he was alive, managed to drag himself unsteadily to his feet. Hand ruined, eye ruined, but alive. Still no announcement of victory but all was still for the moment. Regal limped over to what was left of Wade Barrett.
“A lot of bloody help you were,” Regal grumbled, trying to collect himself.
“Mrmph prmrmph,” Barrett apologized.
Regal wearily looked across the chasm. The SWAGSUKE pod was still hissing and putting out steam, but otherwise had not moved.
“I suppose…” Regal trailed off, then pulled himself together to continue. One must soldier on, after all, he thought to himself. Stiff upper lip, and all that.
“I suppose we could try to push that thing off the edge… try to break it or something.” Regal muttered. “Of course, we can’t even get across the gap…”
“Rmphrmph mrph” Barrett agreed. The Barrett blob shuffled itself two dimensionally, trying to get a better look, then gave up. “Phrmphrmrph?”
Regal looked at the fleshy patch on the grass, squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again, hoping to stop seeing stars. It didn’t work. “Well, I survived because that thing, whatever it was, whatever it became, still seemed to know me, just a little. When it had the chance to finish me, it… hesitated.”
BUT I WON’T
Regal didn’t even have a chance to turn around as a laser bolt blasted through his neck, leaving a smoking hole as big as a baseball straight through.
“Mrphphmmm!!” But Barrett’s cries had no effect.
Regal turned his remaining cool, grey eye to the skies, and thought for a moment on all the things he had seen. It was another one of those moments that seemed to slow down. He looked at the birds flying overhead, at the sunlight just about to burst around the edge a billowing cloud. He wished he could see his wife again. Then darkness rushed in from the corners of his vision, and he saw no more.
*****
*****
*****
“William Regal and Wade Barrett have been eliminated!” boomed the announcement.
“Woah… that… was…”
“Don’t say it.”
“Well, it was.”
“It wasn’t. We’re using that word too much.”
“But it was…”
“I’m warning you…”
“…”
“Well fine, if you’re going to pout about it.”
“That… was booty.”
“…”
“Well, it was.”
“Would you shut up about booty for a second? How the hell are we going to beat that thing??”
Sitting in the control room, which had been left open by Edge when he departed, Xavier Woods and Big E watched the screen with great concern. They had seen everything from a safe vantage point, but they didn’t feel at all safe after what they had just seen. Just moments before, they had watched as the SWAGSUKE pod suddenly stopped blinking and hissing, silently opened like a flower, and revealed an entirely new Shinsuke Nakamura. He appeared human once again but shone like the sun, with eyes literally made of fire, and an enormous spiked crowd on his head. They watched now as he walked across the chasm, stepping lightly on the air itself, cape billowing out behind him, a crooked smile slashed lopsidedly onto his face. On the screen they saw him stand above the body of Regal for a moment before turning to what remained of Barrett. Nakamura’s eyes flashed again, and Barrett was turned into a bubbling flesh colored puddle. Unbelievably, they could faintly hear Barrett burbling away still, uncomfortable but unmistakably alive.
“Um… maybe we can find that creepy Tajiri thing and fight it instead?”
“Would that really be any better? Besides, I can’t find that thing on any sensor anywhere now. I know it didn’t die, if anything it’s life signs were getting stronger before it disappeared, but now I don’t even know if it’s on the Island anymore.”
“Oh booty, what’s he doing now?”
Nakamura turned his mad grin and stared directly at the hidden camera, mounted on a hovering drone high in the clouds. They distinctly saw the godlike figure mouth the word YE-OH before the screen was filled with flickering light, and the signal was lost.
The two remaining New Day members turned slowly to look at each other.
“Ye-oh? That’s doesn’t even mean anything! What is the matter with this guy?”
“Oh yeah, why didn’t he say something smart like booty…”
“Booty got us over damn it! If we don’t have booty what are we?”
“Plenty.”
Xavier Woods pulled out his trusty controller and plugged it into the console.
“That won’t work!” Objected Big E. “We only hallucinated that we could hack into the Island! Don’t you remember?” He held up the Booty-Os nutritional information, showcasing the dangerous hallucinogenic ingredients.
“Actually, we only hallucinated that we hallucinated that. We were never in any hospital at all. I checked the camera logs just to make sure.”
Big E stared at the Booty-Os box. “We should not sell this stuff to children.”
“Too late! But the good news is I’ve set up for us to fight him in the most American place ever, and I’ve got a plan. Get ready for a little genre change…”
Woods unplugged his controller, threw it in his backpack, and sprinted out the door, Big E following a little more trepidatiously. As their footsteps faded a faint chittering could be heard, and a small drop of green fluid dripped down from the ceiling…
*****
When the world shimmered around Nakamura, he did not flinch. Indeed, he seemed hardly to notice as the scene changed about him. What was once a deep Amazonian rainforest had seemingly become the Statue of Liberty. It seemed to make no difference to Nakamura, his grin remained as fixed as ever as he stared a hole (not literally) at the New Day as they flew in on jetpacks that Woods had spawned. They landed on top of the statue, ready to do battle.
WELCOME, WORMS. I AM YOUR DEATH.
“Not if we have anything to say about it, booty! We have a plan, right?”
Woods struck a martial arts pose. “Yes! Plan! Here we GOOOOO!!”
Woods spun around, reached into his pack, pulled out Francesca 2, and hurled it directly into the face of Nakamura with perfect accuracy.
A TOY. YOU DISAPPOINT.
Two jets of flame burst through the brass of the musical instrument as it began to melt, coating Nakamura’s face with a molten covering.
“Francesca 2! Noooooo!!!” Big E cried.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I thought that would work. Good thing I have a much better plan.” Woods reached into his pack again and pulled out some kind of red feather substance. With a grin, Woods threw the item up into the air and shouted, “PHOENIX DOWN!!!”
For a moment nothing happened. The burning eyes of Nakamura shone brightly.
I LOSE PATIENCE.
Striding on long legs with feet that did not touch the ground, Nakamura advanced across the head of the statue towards the group. Big E backed away but Xavier stood his ground until he heard what he was waiting for, a faint call in the distance, then growing louder, and louder, until even Nakamura had to turn to see what was approaching. The moment he did, a jetpack propelled foot slammed directly into the side of his head! Whirling in midair, this newcomer unleashed a stunning blast of kicks and strikes, over and over again, driving Nakamura back to the edge of the statue, and finally kicking his legs out from under him! As Nakamura tumbled down the side of the monument, the twirling kicker finally slowed his movement and turned to face the New Day…
“KOFI!” Big E shouted with joy.
“Hey, what’s up guys?” Kofi grinned huge. “Thanks for bringing me back Xavier, I’m amazed you didn’t do it sooner.”
“Well, it was a bit of a risk. There’s a glitch in the system, I wasn’t able to actually spawn a Phoenix Down, only a Mega Phoenix.”
“Meaning…?”
“Well, it’s supposed to revive more than one person. I wasn’t sure who else it might bring back. It probably doesn’t work exactly like it does in the game, you know?”
“Hey, I’m just glad to have Kofi back,” said Big E. “And I foresee no other possible consequences whatsoever.”
*****
Deep in the jungle, the reanimated corpse of a dirty, stocky woman sat munching on the brains of one of the fallen. A distant cry rang out and a wave of something passed over her. She looked down at what she was eating, suddenly aware of herself again for the first time in a long time. Her chewing slowed, and she was about to spit it out when she gave one last experimental bite. After a pause, the woman shrugged, and continued to feast. Good eats is good eats, am I right?
*****
William Regal opened his one good eye and looked at the sky, and saw that it was beautiful. The sun was shining full, and it was warm.
“Will the bloody wonders never cease…”
*****
JTG suddenly woke up in the boiler room of Titan Towers. His spirit had roamed DOA Island for years, so what was he doing here? He looked down and his body seemed to be restored! His death, unnoticed so many years before, had been undone! With joy he jumped out in the hallway, where he immediately bumped into a passing Vince McMahon who finally fired him on the spot.
*****
In a giant empty hall, the last cloning machine cracked and broke open as a sudden weight appeared inside of it. A crash in the murk, dust flies up from the rubble. Someone staggers to their feet in the dim light, and picks up another figure from the wreckage.
“My Russian bear…?”
“Lovely Lana…”
*****
The entire Island suddenly teemed with life, the unexpected outcome of Xavier Woods attempting to break the system. A hundred stories spawned from this moment, but we do not have time to tell them all. We return now to our climactic battle…
*****
“So, you knocked him off the side huh?”
“Yup!” Kofi grinned wide, hovering gleefully on his jetpack.
“Well that’s great, except you know he can fly right?”
All three New Day members turned as Nakamura, awash in light and power, rose again over the lip of the Statue’s crown.
INSECTS! Nakamura bellowed, not even bothering move his lips any more, the force of his thought alone washing over them and nearly blowing them off the top of the monument themselves. As waves of power threatened to carry them over the edge, each member of the New Day found themselves clinging for dear life as the God of Strong Style advanced, now laughing maniacally.
“Any other ideas? Or did you just revive me so we could all die together this time?” Kofi shouted into the wind.
“Just one… PLAN C!!” Shouted Woods, and he reached once more into his trusty backpack.
“Francesca 3!” Big E shouted, overcome again with joy in spite of their predicament. Woods grabbed a handful of Booty-Os from a box protracting from his pack, loaded them into the horn, and blew with all his might. Finding a sweet spot where the air currents were not flowing, one lone Booty-O soared straight and true and crashed into the mouth and down the throat of the King.
Suddenly the wind ceased, and everything became calm. Nakamura grabbed as his throat, scrabbling desperately to remove the offending intrusion. It was too late though, and he had no choice but to swallow the dangerous novelty snack.
For a moment nothing happened, and New Day feared their ploy had failed. Woods’ face fell, and his partners patted him on the back to show they were not upset, they knew he had done his best. Then suddenly, with a blast of light, Nakamura doubled over with an ear splitting shriek. Colors began to spill out of his body, shifting rapidly and blurring into a seizure inducing rainbow. Mechanical components began to burst through his skin, and his flaming eyes began to engulf his entire head.
“It’s working!” Big E shouted, full of joy once more. He was determined to make today a joyful day.
“We’re going to win!” Kofi beamed.
“Wait guys… I think…” Woods stared intently at the strange sight before them.
“You think what?”
“I think… that’s not even… his final form…”
Big E shook his head. “And you give me guff about booty. The 90s are over dude.”
But stuck in the 90s or not, it appeared Woods was right. Rather than falling to the ground, Nakamura was rising, his mechanical parts protruding further and further, unfurling into enormous sheets, forming giant metal scales, limbs, spikes, teeth. Before their very eyes, New Day watched Nakamura transform one final time into…
“Dragonzord!” Shouted Woods.
“Mecha-Streisand!” Cried Big E.
“Godzilla!” Yelled Kofi.
Godzilla, having heard his name, poked his head around a skyscraper out in NYC, only to have his head blown off by an enormous energy blast.
“Noooo!” Big E cried out for the majestic beast as it fell to the earth, crushing buildings and cars on the way down.
“It was just the one from the remake,” Woods muttered.
They stared up at the enormous figure Nakamura had become, a giant mechanical lizard beast that towered over the Statue of Liberty herself, with the words “SWAGSUKE 9001” emblazoned on the side. Big E and Kofi both looked at Woods expectantly.
“Nah, too easy.” Woods waived the pop culture reference off. “We’ve got more important things to do. HEY SWAGSUKE!” Woods shouted. The monster turned its enormous head to stare down at the three bite sized morsels it was tasked to defeat. “Do you believe you can beat us in any form of combat??” The mechanical dragon roared deafeningly in agreement. Woods looked over to Big E, who was ready for his moment.
“Then we challenge you to a BOOTY OFF!!!” Big E shouted, and he shouted joyously, dammit!!
The music hit, and all three members of New Day began to gyrate and twerk furiously. After staring for a moment, looking as dumbfounded as a 90 story robot dinosaur possibly can, the mentally unbalanced monster struck a pose with a thunderous crash, and began responding in kind! New Day watched in wonder as the Swagsuke 9001 outdanced each and every one of them.
“Ok, from the other side, this looks a little silly…” Kofi said regretfully.
“You think? It’s ok though, I think I found his weakness.” Woods unpacked Francesca 3, 4, and 5, and each member took one of the instruments. “The target area is only two meters wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust port, right on its, well, on its booty.” Big E giggled. “Focus! If we can get it with a direct hit, we can send the whole thing to kingdom come!”
“Are you sure that will work?” Asked Kofi.
“Man, we’re in a crazy fantasy world. I just brought you back from the dead and now we’re in a climactic fight scene. Of course it will work!” Woods exclaimed. “Ready! Aim! FIRE!!”
And with that, all three members of the New Day fired a constant stream of Booy-Os directly into the thermal exhaust port of the SWAGSUKE 9001.
The ridiculously deadly substance was quick to overload the monster’s system. A blinding light display began to flicker and shine from the inside of the still madly gyrating beast as it went into overdrive. Panels flew off, steam burst out, one of the giant eyes exploded in a shower of sparks. Lightning blasts exploded out and knocked the New Day off their feet, which was ok because they had run out of Booty-Os anyway.
“But it also fried our jetpacks!” Shouted Kofi.
“It’s ok! You just have to believe!” Yelled Woods over the deafening cacophony.
“Bo-lieve?” Asked Big E.
“NO!” Kofi and Xavier both roared. As the SWAGSUKE was about to blow, all three New Day remember ran to the edge of the Statue and jumped. The blast tore the cherished monument to pieces, and New Day fell through the air with jagged, flaming hunks of copper swirling around them. All seemed lost when…
“PEGASI!!” Big E shouted, and you better believe he was joyful about it.
Landing safely on three beautiful winged horses, the New Day soared gracefully away from the towering pillar of destruction that was once Swagsuke. When the light faded the vision of New York was gone, and only The Island remained. From unseen speakers, the announcement sounded… “Shinsuke Nakamura and Tajiri have been eliminated! The winners of DOA 2016, representing the United States of America, Big E and Xavier Woods, the New Day!”
“And Kofi, from Ghana!” Kofi said.
“USA! USA!”
“And Ghana, yay…”
And they all lived bootyfully ever after…
*****
The three EKG’s beeped regularly in sync, as the three hospitalized men weakly chanted in their delirious state. A nurse walked up to their lone visitor, feeling a little overcome by their plight.
“Those poor men, they seem to be having such strange and terrible visions. You brought them here, they can’t possibly have seen what they think they have seen, can they? It’s impossible of course… right?”
It was very unlike the nurse to ask something like that, but something about the men, and their visitor, had been unnerving her for weeks. The man smiled strangely and did not answer for a very long time. At long last he said…
“Many strange and impossible things happen on the Island… On MY Island… perhaps you’d like an invitation…”
And the man started laughing, and laughed and laughed long after the nurse had left.
Once again he had hosted the greatest battle the world had ever known. And he was just getting started…
WINNERS AND DOA 2016 CHAMPIONS- THE NEW DAY
Thanks to everyone that wrote, read, fed back and overall enjoyed this year's DOA. The writers this year were phenomenal and it couldn't have happened without you all. It's always so much fun. Thank again!
Until DOA 2017,
Trip Out!